When in another person’s home, follow their rules.
If you dislike the rules, you are welcome to leave.
Isn’t that a life lesson most humans are taught?
No one has to do anything they disagree with in life.
But then, those choices come with inevitable consequences.
Maybe some people think they have VIP status.
Redditor ellafaith0 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for making my BF’s mom cry because of a ‘petty’ rule?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So me (20 F[emale]) and my B[oy]F[riend] (24 M[ale]) have been together for almost 2 years and we live together.”
“His mother is very involved in his life (some might say overbearing, but I try to be respectful).”
“She’s nice but has this way of pushing boundaries while acting like she means well.”
“So the issue: I have a ‘no shoes in the house’ rule.”
“My BF is cool with it, all my friends do it with no problem.”
“But his mom refuses.”
“She claims it’s ‘rude to ask guests to take their shoes off’ and that it makes her feel ‘disrespected.’”
“I’ve tried explaining that it’s just a cleanliness thing, but she won’t budge.”
“Last weekend she came over and, surprise surprise, walked in with her shoes on.”
“I very politely (I swear) said, ‘Oh, can you take them off please?’”
“She kinda huffs and is like, ‘You’re really gonna make me do this?’”
“And I just stood there waiting.”
“She sighs dramatically, takes them off, and spends the whole visit sulking.”
“Then later I get a TEXT from my BF’s dad saying I made her cry and she feels like I’m ‘trying to assert dominance’ over her in her son’s home.”
“Our home, actually.”
“My BF is on my side, but now his parents are acting like I’ve disrespected the Queen of England.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for standing my ground on a very normal rule???”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. If your boyfriend is aligned, how’s he handling the situation?”
“I’d expect him to call them and shut it down.”
“The dad shouldn’t be attacking you, and your boyfriend should be standing up for you.”
“It sounds like he agrees, but what’s he doing to solve the issue.” ~ ImpressiveBig7730
“Then you need to make it his problem as well.”
“Tell him how upset you are, how disrespected you feel that she can’t follow this one simple rule and that actually given the dad’s words it seems like her refusing is HER attempt to assert dominance of you in your own home (even down to them saying it’s ‘her sons home’).”
“Explain to him that you have put up with enough at this point and either he steps in and shuts it down or she’s not welcome in the house/you’ll start handling it and it won’t be by being nice.”
“Nip this in the bud unless you want it to get worse basically.”
“You said you try and be respectful?”
“Stop that, she doesn’t deserve the level of respect you’re giving her, Respect is earned and mutual.” ~ Not_Good_HappyQuinn
“Agreed. Reading the post, I initially was thinking maybe the mom had a weird foot thing.”
“I cannot stand walking around a house in bare feet, BUT I take my slippers with me.”
“Shoes come off and slippers go on.”
“My grandfather was the same way.”
“However, with the crying and text and ‘her son’s home’ this isn’t a comfort foot thing this is dominance and trying to create a rift between OP and boyfriend. “
“ETA: BF needs to establish boundaries and shut his parent’s drama down now.”
“OP is NTA” ~ Corgi_Cats_Coffee
“Literally this!”
“I had to have a wake-up call style talk with my husband about how his siblings treated me when we first started dating.”
“Told him he might be used to letting them walk all over him, but I was not gonna tolerate the disrespect, so his options were to handle it himself, or if I was forced to handle it, accept that no one was gonna be happy with the outcome after.”
“He handles any and all issues with his family now, and everybody’s happy.” ~ Valiant_Strawberry
“This is just the beginning of the power struggle with her unless your BF puts her in her place.”
“For the love of all things holy, do not marry this man until something drastic changes.” ~ Cheddarbaybiskits
“Oh, OP.”
“Your boyfriend needs to start handling his mom.”
“It’s not your rule that shoes come off.”
“It’s his rule and your rule, and he asks her.”
“Any time she’s being inappropriate towards you, he shuts it down.”
“She sends her flying monkeys?”
“He shuts it down.”
“This is likely going to get worse before it gets better.”
“Your boyfriend needs to stand up for you.”
“I put up with years of this sh*t, and had a kid with mine.”
“In that baby’s first two weeks of life, things boiled over.”
“And my partner needed to make a choice.”
“And he did.”
“But it was hard for him, because his mom cried and made him feel like an awful son – because I told her she wasn’t welcome in my house anymore, because of the s**t she said to me and the things she was doing.”
“She still feels like the wronged party, and they still CONSTANTLY pull s**t, put at least he’s on my side, and when they push boundaries, he shuts it down.”
“I beg you to sort this s**t out before it gets farther down the road, and if he’s not willing to show his family that you’re a team – and that you are his chosen family – you might want to get out with the knocks you’ve already taken.” ~ Past_Ad_5629
“I cannot upvote this enough.”
“You don’t have a mil problem, you have a boyfriend problem.”
“And this s**t doesn’t just go away magically.”
“Never in the history of time has a woman said, ‘Oh she just started respecting our boundaries all on her own.'”
“As I say to any young woman who will listen to me – just wait ’til the babies come!”
“Assuming that’s your path, of course.”
“You think it’s bad now. Please understand that bad mils become monsters when those babies come.”
“The boundary-breaking, the disrespect, the pressure, the trying to come between you and your partner/anyone else they can turn on you.”
“It only gets worse once HER grandbabies enter the picture.”
“Ask me how I know.”
“And why I feel compelled to warn every woman in a similar situation to hopefully save them some tears and stress and anger.”
“This is an iceberg situation – it may look little on the surface but it’s actually a gigantic moment in your relationship that will predict a lot of your future happiness and peace OP.”
“You and your partner need to have an honest discussion, then you need to pay very close attention to how he acts.”
“If he does not unequivocally shut this s**t down, please spend some time reflecting on how you want your future to look.”
“I may sound dramatic, but you deserve a peaceful, happy life, OP, and I want that for you.”
“If you have doubts, please go check out the JUSTNOMIL subreddit.”
“Best of luck!”
“And as a Canadian, this wearing of outdoor shoes in the house – your own or someone else’s – is insanity.”
“I honestly thought it was just something people did on TV well into my adult life.”
“But no, it’s a thing.”
“A disgusting thing, no offense to my American friends.Yuck!” ~ OkThroat2765
“NTA. She is going out of her way to guilt you into letting her disrespect YOUR home.”
“Buy some of those shoe covers they wear to crime scenes, or put plastic grocery bags by the door and ask her to cover her shoes inside the home.”
“Otherwise, you can just offer an outside visit and she can keep her shoes on.” ~ Kin-ethra
“NTA, but your BF needs to stand up to his mom.”
“The only reason she is doing it is because she knows her son won’t confront her to her face and have an actual adult conversation.”
“1. It’s her baby– the son…”
“2. She doesn’t see him and a man, an adult.”
“3. She still wants to be a momma boy (Google up the psychological effects of momma boys have and being mother mother-dependent relationship).”
“4. She has no respect for you because you are taking her son away.”
“When in reality your very presence makes his world more meaningful and colorful.”
“He needs to set up and stand firm on boundaries with this mom.” ~ Sea_Auntie7599
“In some countries, hosts provide nice wool slippers for guests, both men and women, to change into.”
“I have neuropathy in my feet and really need something on my feet to walk comfortably.”
“Maybe consider buying a pair of Turkish wool slides for her.” ~ PlantManMD
“Canadian, here.”
“Shoes off in the house, period.”
“We don’t wear outside shoes inside of our homes.”
“I have house slippers that I love that are only worn indoors.”
“Kids go to school and change into their ‘indoor shoes’ when they come in from the playground.”
“If someone walked into my house with their shoes on, my response would probably be ‘What the f**k?’ because that would be very rude.”
“Now to your real problem, and it’s not your ‘normal’ or your rule.”
“It’s that your M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] is crying over being asked to take her shoes off, F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] is defending her, and BF is enabling her.”
“This dynamic isn’t going to be unique to shoes. “
“Guaranteed it will be a pattern of behavior.”
“Don’t put up with it from any of them. NTA.” ~ apothekryptic
“NTA -Let’s hope she never gets friends from or in other countries, because in many places in the world, taking off your shoes or using inside shoes is expected, and it’s considered very rude to walk in with shoes on.”
“Would she be happier if she had a designated pair of slippers or something she could put on?”
“If the issue is not having footwear on, that’s fixable.”
“Also wearing outdoor shoes indoors is insane to me, but I’m not from the US.” ~ absolutebeast_
“NTA. But you’ve got a boyfriend problem, not an ‘in-law’ problem.”
“Under no circumstances should either of these people be treating you the way they are, and your boyfriend needs to make that exceptionally clear to them.”
“Otherwise, you’re in for ‘well this is how my wedding was’ and ‘this is how I raised my kids’ until she gets her son back from you.” ~ MsMarkarth
“NTA. People who don’t want to appear in socks or bare feet can do what everyone in the world who feels this way does nd bring slip-on inside shoes or slippers.” ~ Teshi
“I am not American.”
“Shoes in the house are GROSS.”
“Just absolutely gross.”
“Unless the guests clean the whole floor as they are leaving, dojo at the end of karate class style, that’s gonna be a no from me, Dawg.”
“NTA. And beyond that, anyone who wears shoes anywhere in the house that isn’t a garage, an unfinished basement, or a mudroom is an animal.”
“And to think, they wanna annex the civilized country next door… Ew.” ~ AriBanana
“Simple NTA.”
“It’s your house, so you can have any rules that you have.”
“Guests should be expected to follow those rules unless they are extremely unreasonable, which taking your shoes off is not.” ~ JRSwampFOX
“NTA, you should have responded back. The home is both of yours, and when she cleans your home and mops your floors, then she can do what the hell she wants.”
“Maybe get her a pair of house slippers for your home.” ~ FairyFartDaydreams
“NTA. And by the way, Canadian here, and everyone takes off their shoes.”
It’s unbelievable to me how so many Americans walk right into the house wearing their dirty-a** shoes.” ~ Existing-Zucchini-65
“NTA. I hate taking my shoes off when I get to someone’s house (probably some trauma thing, I like being able to quickly leave if I need to), and yet when people ask or have it as a rule, I just do it.”
“Because it’s that simple.” ~ ominous_ellipsis
“NTA. But my mom would fall over without shoes on.”
“And a decade ago, not wearing shoes made her feet hurt, so not everyone can go without shoes, so get the slip covers for people to wear over the shoes too.”
“This doesn’t sound like the case here, but I wanted you to be aware.” ~ JulesSherlock
“As a Canadian, I find it absurd that anyone would wear outside shoes in the house, especially as a guest and then talk of being disrespectful to her.”
“NTA at all OP.” ~ Direct_Lake8637
“NTA. She’s a grown up and her big feelings are not your problem.”
“If this being her son’s home doesn’t make her clean it, she doesn’t get to not follow the rules of the ones who force her to clean.” ~ Leather_Persimmon489
Reddit has your back, OP.
This is a respect issue.
Your possible (one day in the future MIL) is manipulating situations already.
You can offer her comfy slippers as a compromise, but only if YOU really want to do it.
Don’t do it just to appease her.
And like a lot of people are saying… it’s time for your BF to step up.
Good luck.