When in another person's home, follow their rules.
If you dislike the rules, you are welcome to leave.
Isn't that a life lesson most humans are taught?
No one has to do anything they disagree with in life.
But then, those choices come with inevitable consequences.
Maybe some people think they have VIP status.
Redditor ellafaith0 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for making my BF's mom cry because of a 'petty' rule?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So me (20 F[emale]) and my B[oy]F[riend] (24 M[ale]) have been together for almost 2 years and we live together."
"His mother is very involved in his life (some might say overbearing, but I try to be respectful)."
"She's nice but has this way of pushing boundaries while acting like she means well."
"So the issue: I have a 'no shoes in the house' rule."
"My BF is cool with it, all my friends do it with no problem."
"But his mom refuses."
"She claims it's 'rude to ask guests to take their shoes off' and that it makes her feel 'disrespected.'"
"I've tried explaining that it's just a cleanliness thing, but she won't budge."
"Last weekend she came over and, surprise surprise, walked in with her shoes on."
"I very politely (I swear) said, 'Oh, can you take them off please?'"
"She kinda huffs and is like, 'You're really gonna make me do this?'"
"And I just stood there waiting."
"She sighs dramatically, takes them off, and spends the whole visit sulking."
"Then later I get a TEXT from my BF's dad saying I made her cry and she feels like I'm 'trying to assert dominance' over her in her son's home."
"Our home, actually."
"My BF is on my side, but now his parents are acting like I've disrespected the Queen of England."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for standing my ground on a very normal rule???"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. If your boyfriend is aligned, how's he handling the situation?"
"I'd expect him to call them and shut it down."
"The dad shouldn't be attacking you, and your boyfriend should be standing up for you."
"It sounds like he agrees, but what's he doing to solve the issue." ~ ImpressiveBig7730
"Then you need to make it his problem as well."
"Tell him how upset you are, how disrespected you feel that she can't follow this one simple rule and that actually given the dad's words it seems like her refusing is HER attempt to assert dominance of you in your own home (even down to them saying it's 'her sons home')."
"Explain to him that you have put up with enough at this point and either he steps in and shuts it down or she's not welcome in the house/you'll start handling it and it won't be by being nice."
"Nip this in the bud unless you want it to get worse basically."
"You said you try and be respectful?"
"Stop that, she doesn't deserve the level of respect you're giving her, Respect is earned and mutual." ~ Not_Good_HappyQuinn
"Agreed. Reading the post, I initially was thinking maybe the mom had a weird foot thing."
"I cannot stand walking around a house in bare feet, BUT I take my slippers with me."
"Shoes come off and slippers go on."
"My grandfather was the same way."
"However, with the crying and text and 'her son's home' this isn't a comfort foot thing this is dominance and trying to create a rift between OP and boyfriend. "
"ETA: BF needs to establish boundaries and shut his parent's drama down now."
"OP is NTA" ~ Corgi_Cats_Coffee
"Literally this!"
"I had to have a wake-up call style talk with my husband about how his siblings treated me when we first started dating."
"Told him he might be used to letting them walk all over him, but I was not gonna tolerate the disrespect, so his options were to handle it himself, or if I was forced to handle it, accept that no one was gonna be happy with the outcome after."
"He handles any and all issues with his family now, and everybody's happy." ~ Valiant_Strawberry
"This is just the beginning of the power struggle with her unless your BF puts her in her place."
"For the love of all things holy, do not marry this man until something drastic changes." ~ Cheddarbaybiskits
"Oh, OP."
"Your boyfriend needs to start handling his mom."
"It's not your rule that shoes come off."
"It's his rule and your rule, and he asks her."
"Any time she's being inappropriate towards you, he shuts it down."
"She sends her flying monkeys?"
"He shuts it down."
"This is likely going to get worse before it gets better."
"Your boyfriend needs to stand up for you."
"I put up with years of this sh*t, and had a kid with mine."
"In that baby's first two weeks of life, things boiled over."
"And my partner needed to make a choice."
"And he did."
"But it was hard for him, because his mom cried and made him feel like an awful son - because I told her she wasn't welcome in my house anymore, because of the s**t she said to me and the things she was doing."
"She still feels like the wronged party, and they still CONSTANTLY pull s**t, put at least he's on my side, and when they push boundaries, he shuts it down."
"I beg you to sort this s**t out before it gets farther down the road, and if he's not willing to show his family that you're a team - and that you are his chosen family - you might want to get out with the knocks you've already taken." ~ Past_Ad_5629
"I cannot upvote this enough."
"You don't have a mil problem, you have a boyfriend problem."
"And this s**t doesn't just go away magically."
"Never in the history of time has a woman said, 'Oh she just started respecting our boundaries all on her own.'"
"As I say to any young woman who will listen to me - just wait 'til the babies come!"
"Assuming that's your path, of course."
"You think it's bad now. Please understand that bad mils become monsters when those babies come."
"The boundary-breaking, the disrespect, the pressure, the trying to come between you and your partner/anyone else they can turn on you."
"It only gets worse once HER grandbabies enter the picture."
"Ask me how I know."
"And why I feel compelled to warn every woman in a similar situation to hopefully save them some tears and stress and anger."
"This is an iceberg situation - it may look little on the surface but it's actually a gigantic moment in your relationship that will predict a lot of your future happiness and peace OP."
"You and your partner need to have an honest discussion, then you need to pay very close attention to how he acts."
"If he does not unequivocally shut this s**t down, please spend some time reflecting on how you want your future to look."
"I may sound dramatic, but you deserve a peaceful, happy life, OP, and I want that for you."
"If you have doubts, please go check out the JUSTNOMIL subreddit."
"Best of luck!"
"And as a Canadian, this wearing of outdoor shoes in the house - your own or someone else's - is insanity."
"I honestly thought it was just something people did on TV well into my adult life."
"But no, it's a thing."
"A disgusting thing, no offense to my American friends.Yuck!" ~ OkThroat2765
"NTA. She is going out of her way to guilt you into letting her disrespect YOUR home."
"Buy some of those shoe covers they wear to crime scenes, or put plastic grocery bags by the door and ask her to cover her shoes inside the home."
"Otherwise, you can just offer an outside visit and she can keep her shoes on." ~ Kin-ethra
"NTA, but your BF needs to stand up to his mom."
"The only reason she is doing it is because she knows her son won't confront her to her face and have an actual adult conversation."
"1. It's her baby-- the son..."
"2. She doesn't see him and a man, an adult."
"3. She still wants to be a momma boy (Google up the psychological effects of momma boys have and being mother mother-dependent relationship)."
"4. She has no respect for you because you are taking her son away."
"When in reality your very presence makes his world more meaningful and colorful."
"He needs to set up and stand firm on boundaries with this mom." ~ Sea_Auntie7599
"In some countries, hosts provide nice wool slippers for guests, both men and women, to change into."
"I have neuropathy in my feet and really need something on my feet to walk comfortably."
"Maybe consider buying a pair of Turkish wool slides for her." ~ PlantManMD
"Canadian, here."
"Shoes off in the house, period."
"We don't wear outside shoes inside of our homes."
"I have house slippers that I love that are only worn indoors."
"Kids go to school and change into their 'indoor shoes' when they come in from the playground."
"If someone walked into my house with their shoes on, my response would probably be 'What the f**k?' because that would be very rude."
"Now to your real problem, and it's not your 'normal' or your rule."
"It's that your M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] is crying over being asked to take her shoes off, F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] is defending her, and BF is enabling her."
"This dynamic isn't going to be unique to shoes. "
"Guaranteed it will be a pattern of behavior."
"Don't put up with it from any of them. NTA." ~ apothekryptic
"NTA -Let's hope she never gets friends from or in other countries, because in many places in the world, taking off your shoes or using inside shoes is expected, and it's considered very rude to walk in with shoes on."
"Would she be happier if she had a designated pair of slippers or something she could put on?"
"If the issue is not having footwear on, that's fixable."
"Also wearing outdoor shoes indoors is insane to me, but I'm not from the US." ~ absolutebeast_
"NTA. But you've got a boyfriend problem, not an 'in-law' problem."
"Under no circumstances should either of these people be treating you the way they are, and your boyfriend needs to make that exceptionally clear to them."
"Otherwise, you're in for 'well this is how my wedding was' and 'this is how I raised my kids' until she gets her son back from you." ~ MsMarkarth
"NTA. People who don't want to appear in socks or bare feet can do what everyone in the world who feels this way does nd bring slip-on inside shoes or slippers." ~ Teshi
"I am not American."
"Shoes in the house are GROSS."
"Just absolutely gross."
"Unless the guests clean the whole floor as they are leaving, dojo at the end of karate class style, that's gonna be a no from me, Dawg."
"NTA. And beyond that, anyone who wears shoes anywhere in the house that isn't a garage, an unfinished basement, or a mudroom is an animal."
"And to think, they wanna annex the civilized country next door... Ew." ~ AriBanana
"Simple NTA."
"It's your house, so you can have any rules that you have."
"Guests should be expected to follow those rules unless they are extremely unreasonable, which taking your shoes off is not." ~ JRSwampFOX
"NTA, you should have responded back. The home is both of yours, and when she cleans your home and mops your floors, then she can do what the hell she wants."
"Maybe get her a pair of house slippers for your home." ~ FairyFartDaydreams
"NTA. And by the way, Canadian here, and everyone takes off their shoes."
It's unbelievable to me how so many Americans walk right into the house wearing their dirty-a** shoes." ~ Existing-Zucchini-65
"NTA. I hate taking my shoes off when I get to someone's house (probably some trauma thing, I like being able to quickly leave if I need to), and yet when people ask or have it as a rule, I just do it."
"Because it's that simple." ~ ominous_ellipsis
"NTA. But my mom would fall over without shoes on."
"And a decade ago, not wearing shoes made her feet hurt, so not everyone can go without shoes, so get the slip covers for people to wear over the shoes too."
"This doesn't sound like the case here, but I wanted you to be aware." ~ JulesSherlock
"As a Canadian, I find it absurd that anyone would wear outside shoes in the house, especially as a guest and then talk of being disrespectful to her."
"NTA at all OP." ~ Direct_Lake8637
"NTA. She's a grown up and her big feelings are not your problem."
"If this being her son's home doesn't make her clean it, she doesn't get to not follow the rules of the ones who force her to clean." ~ Leather_Persimmon489
Reddit has your back, OP.
This is a respect issue.
Your possible (one day in the future MIL) is manipulating situations already.
You can offer her comfy slippers as a compromise, but only if YOU really want to do it.
Don't do it just to appease her.
And like a lot of people are saying... it's time for your BF to step up.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp