Getting backstage passes is an awesome experience.
But sometimes the guest list is small.
Would you pass up an experience to meet a performer if that meant one of your friends couldn't go?
Case in point...
Redditor Adorable-Nail-3119 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for taking my daughter on a backstage visit that excluded her friends?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm (34 F[emale]) a retired trapeze artist and my daughter (6 F) is enrolled in circus school."
"She loves it so much that she asked to see a Cirque du Soleil show as a birthday present."
"My husband (37 M[ale]) and I managed to get discount tickets to take her and three of her friends from circus school on a 2-hour drive to catch the nearest show."
"When I got there I checked the company credits and noticed a friend of mine, an acrobat from Belgium, was one of the performers."
"I hadn't seen him in years and sent him a message on Instagram just to say I was in the audience with my daughter and excited to see him."
"He replied almost immediately and told me to look for a stage manager after the show so we could say hi and I could take my daughter backstage."
"And so I did - since he only invited my daughter and me (I didn't mention in my short message there were three other girls + my husband, and I couldn't impose taking a small party backstage)."
"My husband waited with the girls for about 20 min after the show was over while we toured backstage."
"My daughter was so happy!"
"Yet she kept talking about it on the way home and that's when I realized the other girls could be feeling left out."
"What do you know?"
"The same night one of the girl's mothers called me, to say her daughter came home crying because she didn't get to go backstage."
"And that it was very poor form on my part to invite them to a party and to exclude them from one of the experiences."
"I tried to explain how things played out, but she kept being aggressive - until I finally lost it and told her she had no right to call me and try to reprimand me and should instead have a talk to her daughter about how to deal with such frustrations."
"My husband says I should not have instigated and that, in hindsight, I shouldn't have split the party."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"YTA. You could've simply informed your friend that you were in the company of your daughter's friends and left it up to him to decide."
"You also could've explained to your daughter not to keep talking about that with her friends there, so they won't feel left out."
"That simple; if you really, really felt the need to only take your kid and not the others."
"Instead, you did in fact leave 3 other kids out, you allowed your daughter to brag about what she alone got to do, and you're surprised a bunch of 6-year-olds felt left out."
"You then double down on the one mom who wanted to defend her kids' feelings. Yes, YTA." ~ CosmicStarchild7
"As a performer, it's hard for me to imagine not wanting to have a gaggle of excited kids come backstage."
"It could be a life-changing moment for them, and the kind of thing that makes a performer's day."
"I'm not going to go as far as saying YTA, but you made a mistake and you hurt a bunch of kids that you could have excited."
"It would have been easy to ask your friend if they could all come and I'm sure that person would have happily agreed. It's weird that you didn't do that." ~ HobbittBass
"YTA in this sub doesn't necessarily mean the person is an a**hole, it's just a more concise way of asking 'Was I in the wrong?' and YTA means that yes they were in the wrong.
"You can YTA with a clear conscience." ~ Touniouk
"I think OP did not think of the consequences for the other girls and just went with the motion without thinking it through."
"The way it was handled sucked for the girls, even without malice."
"Learning opportunity for OP about learning to be aware of how others have needs and may be impacted by our actions."
"But as someone who worked on big touring productions akin to Cirque du Soleil (we had staff going from our business to Cirque and back)."
"I can say that it's not always easy to secure backstage access, and OP's friend may not have had the authority to give access to so many people at once." ~ Kindly-Improvement79
"Adding on to say absolutely YTA every step of the way..."
"You should have told your friend that you had a party of 6, not just you and your daughter."
"It's quite possible that he would have welcomed all of you backstage, completely avoiding the mess you created."
"You should not have taken your daughter backstage without her invited guests under any circumstances."
"You should have stopped your daughter from boasting in front of her excluded guests."
"You should have profusely apologized to all parents/children involved, instead of lashing out at the parent who called you on your atrocious manners."
"Set a better example for your child. I know from experience that she will suffer the consequences of your poor social skills." ~ MabsMessenger
"YTA big time!"
"I'm sure they would've accommodated her and her 3 little friends backstage for her bday!"
"I mean as the Mother and as an adult, the least you could've done was give it a try!"
"I'm kinda sad for them lol." ~ shibasnakitas1126
"YTA. It was your idea to go and take your daughter and her friends (who apparently must all have been 6 years old), you contacted your friend which was fine, but when he invited you and your daughter you took it on your own to determine IF he could take the others and you jumped at going without the others."
"You could have said, 'Hey thanks but I'm here with 3 of my daughter's friends and my husband, so I don't know if we all can come in, or if you and I can just say hello.'"
"You opted for what was easiest, an invite for yourself and your daughter."
"Your husband is correct, you should not split the party, since you were the one that put the party together."
"You know your daughter would have been heartbroken if the situation was switched where another mother took her daughter to an event that meant the world to her and then she was told to wait outside while that mother took her daughter in to meet the performers and see behind the scenes."
"You probably should apologize to all of the girls and their mothers."
"It was a nice thought to take everyone, but you BLEW IT BIG TIME abandoning the others for yours and your daughter's benefit." ~ catskilkid
"YTA - The other child's mother was 100% correct."
"You don't invite children to an event and then make them wait while only your child gets to experience the best part of the event."
"And then you have the audacity to tell the other mother how to parent her child in response to your hurting her child's feelings, wild!"
"Hope you have that lesson down pat for your own daughter, for when you will be teaching her how to deal with her frustrations when she is not invited to other children's events because of your actions." ~ punkybrewsterstwin
"YTA. I'm sure you knew the invitation backstage might not be forthcoming if it was a whole group of you, so you deliberately 'forgot to mention' you were there with a party of people."
"You do not invite a group out to celebrate with your daughter and then leave them hanging around for 20 minutes or so whilst you go off and do something else."
"As for you criticizing the other child's parenting, well if my child came home upset from a party I'd probably want to find out exactly what happened as well."
"And secondly, let's hope you are excellent at explaining to your daughter how to deal with frustrations of that kind when she is upset that she doesn't receive invites to other children's parties once word gets around of how you treated your own invited guests." ~ Oscarmaiajonah
"I'm a bit torn."
"On one hand, you should absolutely see your friend and let your daughter go backstage, even if the others are jealous."
"HOWEVER, you could have also said that you have a few more girls there that would love to see the same stuff - or when you went in to visit, tell your friend, 'Hey, so my daughter has a couple of friends here that would love to see backstage, do you think that's possible?'"
"Ultimately, if your friend said no, too bad for the other girls."
"But if they said yes, you would have been the coolest mom ever to get them in."
"I kind of get the impression that you didn't really push to help the other kids to get back there, even if you could have." ~ kuken_i_fittan
Well, OP, Reddit has some strong thoughts on this matter.
Such situations are a balancing act.
Backstage areas are chaotic.
But it sounds like Reddit has more ideal ways this could've been handled the next time around.
Good luck with the other parents.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp