Childcare can be shared by parents, but often falls on only one.
When the child is disabled, the care required may become all-consuming.
A mother of an autistic child turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after being criticized by her husband for her care strategy.
Chessicasimpson asked:
"AITA for intentionally making my son’s bath water too warm?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"The first thing I want to say is that I’m NOT making the water too hot. It’s not even uncomfortably hot. I’m not hurting him; I just know the exact temperature he likes, and I make it slightly warmer."
"My son is 10, and has profound autism. He is the light of my life, and my reason for living. However, raising him is extremely difficult. One of his major fixations is taking baths. He will take up to 15 or more baths per day (his doctor said it’s fine)."
"Even though he’s 10, he still can’t be unsupervised at any time, especially in the bath. So I have to sit with him in the bathroom every time he takes a bath. Sometimes it’s really hard for me, if I’m trying to get housework done or cook, to have to sit in the bathroom for 20 minutes with him."
"But if I rush him out, he gets upset and stays upset for hours. But I noticed that if I make the water a little bit warmer than he likes, he will want to get out on his own a lot sooner. I don’t do it very often."
"But today I am really sick with the flu, and I had bad body aches, I was shivering any time I left my blankets. So I made the water a little warmer, and he got out after about 7 minutes instead of 20."
"For some reason, cooler doesn’t seem to work, because he loves cold water. So he’ll just stay in it even longer if I let him and turn into a fish."
"When my husband came home from work and asked how everything went, I told him how sick I’d been all day, and about making his water warmer so I didn’t have to sit in there so long."
"My husband was really irritated with me about it, and said it’s basically abuse to do that to a special needs child. I tried to explain that I am overwhelmed because I have no help with our son."
"My husband is never the one to sit in the bathroom with him at 4:00 in the morning so everyone else can sleep without our son screaming and waking everyone up. I haven’t slept past 3:00 am in years, because that’s when our son wakes up and he can’t be alone for his own safety."
"Nobody can handle watching him even for a couple hours, so the only break I ever get is when my husband or my dad takes him on long drives which he loves sometimes. But he doesn’t always want to do that, sometimes it upsets him, so even that doesn’t happen very often."
"My husband still insists that’s wrong to do. I made sure to clarify that the water is not hot; it’s just slightly warmer than he likes. I’m not hurting him. Basically, getting in the tub calms him down and makes him happy, but it doesn’t matter if he’s in it for 2 minutes or 30 minutes; he will still be calmed down and happy from it, unless I rush him out."
"He has to get out of his own volition, or he’ll be more upset than he was to begin with. So basically he still gets the soothing of a bath, but I cut the time I have to sit in the bathroom by half."
"And I don’t do it all the time."
"My husband says it’s like manipulating him, because he’s special needs and can’t figure out that I’m 'tricking him'; and it’s wrong to use his disability for my own advantage. He said his life is hard enough without 'ruining' the enjoyment he gets from a bath."
"So, AITA? I’ve been feeling awful all day about it."
OP later added:
"It is pretty new behavior for him to criticize the way I parent him. Usually he is telling me what a good job I’m doing, and complimenting how well I handle everything. Which is why I was so concerned that maybe he was right, because he normally doesn’t say things like that."
"I’m not sure where it’s coming from. I know he feels really bad for our son, and is extremely bothered by all the things he can’t do. He hates when he’s not treated the same as other kids because of his disability and inability to talk."
"So I don’t know if it’s coming from a place of like, 'that only works because he’s not capable of figuring out what you’re doing, even though he’s ten and should be able to figure it out' and so it bothers him more because it’s another reminder that he is developmentally still closer to a toddler that can easily be 'tricked'."
"That’s how I ended up feeling about it anyway, after our conversation, that’s how he made me feel about it. Like feeling sorry for him because he’s such a big kid but it’s still so easy to 'trick' him, and probably always will be…"
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"As an autistic person myself, NTA. And your husband needs to step up and take some of the load off of you. He can manage some of the 3am shifts so you can sleep in. It's obvious you're burned out and running on fumes. You need a break." ~ NearMissCult
"From one Mom to another…I see you Hon! And,I notice that you have generally refrained from commenting on the many, many suggestions that you take some time for yourself by temporarily handling over your son’s care to either your husband, or a trained aide, a school, etc..."
"I know you love him with every fiber of your being, and you have his best interests at heart, and that nobody understands him as well as you, and that he needs you. I suspect that your son is not the only person who needs you, and that you used to define yourself as other than his caregiver."
"You would be giving your son his VERY best chance at a fulfilling life by reaching out for some kind of help. I know Easter Seals even does home therapy for Autism. Considering help for your son does not mean he’s a burden and should never induce guilt… how could he be, he’s your special little dude! Momma, you could never be the A. NTA." ~ Push_the_button_Max
"NTA. Your husband calling a slightly warm bath 'abuse' while doing almost zero of the around-the-clock supervision for a child taking 15 baths a day is infuriatingly out of touch." ~ Spectre_Omega
"Wow that pisses me off so much.'Abuse' is the worst thing one parent can accuse another parent of, and unless he walks a mile in your shoes caring after your (and his) son, he better shut his mouth without some actual issue that may be happening. Not 'slightly warmer' water."
"Like is this new behaviour for him, doubting your parenting? You need help and he needs to be told that this is unacceptable. By you AND an objective therapist or something. Like....what the actual hell. ~ LiveKindly01
"Right? Just because OP might be better at calming him, doesn't make it her sole responsibility. She's probably better at calming him because she *has* to be because nobody else is doing it and there's nobody else to fall back on."
"If it was dad's responsibility with nobody to rescue him, I bet he'd work it out way faster. OP needs a break and dad needs to start lifting his weight."
"Also they absolutely need to try and find a day respite that works, because it's no good for the kid either if their main carer burns out. It might not be an ideal respite, and it might even be upsetting for the kid, but you still have to try."
"Because it's way more distressing if there is a sudden breakdown and there are no other alternatives already arranged and nobody else who knows what the kid prefers and what his needs are." ~ trowzerss
"What would be his solution to this problem if he doesn't want to do it himself? Because you can't keep helping your son have 15 baths a day forever!" ~ lydiarose_
"The problem isn't you, the problem is that this is too much for you to deal with on your own. If you are sick, your husband should be taking time off to care for you and your son, not just leaving you in the lurch." ~ everdishevelled
"Sounds like your husband needs to do one of the nighttime baths in the middle of the night since it’s no big deal." ~ rjc3banco
OP provided a small update:
"A lot of people are saying my husband needs to take over some of the nighttime/early morning baths. I think I’m going to suggest it, and not in like a petty way, in like a seriously please take this over for me way."
"Even if he doesn’t do it, I think maybe just the suggestion would maybe be enough to make him think twice about critiquing something he doesn’t want to do himself."
One thing is clear: OP needs help.
And they're not getting it from their husband.
If he can critique her, then he can take over for her.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp