When two people commit to having children, their key responsibility is to raise children who will grow to be productive members of society and who are able to independently take care of themselves.
Some parents really struggle with this, between watching their child grow up and letting them go, which just sets them up for failure, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Prestigious_Brick151 was concerned about their 21-year-old son, who was incredibly financially irresponsible and was showing no improvement, because their wife kept bailing him out of his mistakes.
When his car was repossessed because he didn't make payments, the Original Poster (OP) called their wife out, pointing out that the rest of the family didn't deserve to financially suffer because of trying to take care of their son's mistakes.
They asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for telling my wife our family will NOT financially suffer because she keeps bailing out our adult son?"
The OP's adult son struggled to become financially independent.
"My wife and I have an adult son (Male 21) who has had problems with responsibility basically his entire life."
"In high school, he did poorly, mostly because he wouldn’t do the work and ended up needing summer school just to graduate on time."
"After graduation, he didn’t go to college, went through something like seven jobs before he was 20, and continued living with us basically rent-free."
"And when I say rent-free, I mean free. No groceries. No utilities. No meaningful contribution to the household."
"The frustrating part is that he would be broke while spending whatever money he did have on alcohol, vapes, junk, tattoos, etc. He couldn’t even keep his phone on because he wasn’t making the payments; he just would go everywhere and bum everyone’s WiFi so he could call/text."
Part of the problem was the fact that the OP's wife was enabling their son's behavior.
"This has caused arguments between my wife and me for YEARS."
"I have always believed that if he is going to live with us as an adult, he needs boundaries and consequences. My wife thinks I’m too hard on him and has a tendency to cover for him or rescue him."
"For a while we pushed the military because we thought maybe some structure would help him. He enrolled and backed out multiple times. I think three total. Eventually I realized nobody can force an adult to become responsible if he doesn’t want to."
"Then came the car, the whole reason I’m typing this."
"Our son asked us to finance a car for him and promised he would make the payments."
"I said absolutely not. I knew exactly where this was going."
"After this went on for a while, somehow we ended up at a used car lot anyway, where my wife financed a used Toyota Corolla in her name for him."
"I refused to participate. I didn’t sign anything. I didn’t even want to know the terms because I had made my position crystal clear: this was a terrible idea, and I wanted no part of it."
"Predictably, he treated the car like everything else. Tickets, blowouts, dents, etc."
"Then one day he walks up to the house and casually tells us, 'They repoed the car.'"
"Turns out he hadn’t made a payment in MONTHS."
"This was while he was still living in our house without paying rent or household bills and while he was working on and off. His explanation was that he couldn’t afford the payments and was too embarrassed to ask us for money."
"So the car gets repossessed, but of course the loan is in my wife’s name."
Even when the car was repossessed, the OP's wife continued to enable their son.
"I figured this would finally be the lesson. Nope."
"The finance company repeatedly contacted my wife about the remaining debt. She basically ignored it until someone eventually showed up at our house and served her because they were suing her."
"She finally contacted them and managed to get the lawsuit dropped in exchange for a payment plan of around $200/month."
"At this point I’m thinking: Great. Our son can pay $200/month toward the debt HE created."
"Except he hasn’t. The payment arrangement started about two months ago, and as far as I know, he hasn’t made a single payment."
"My wife says she’s asked him. He ignores her, blows her off, or says he’s having money problems."
"Meanwhile, we are having money problems, too."
"We are not wealthy. There is no trust fund, inheritance, giant savings account, etc. We’re a dual-income working household, and basically every dollar we earn has somewhere it needs to go."
"Then today my wife texts me, 'They’re trying to garnish my check for the payment for the car.'"
"Apparently they contacted her workplace."
"I responded, 'Makes sense.'"
"She said she’d try to make a payment tomorrow because she can’t have them garnishing her wages."
"I told her she needed to get with her son and make him pay it."
"She said no, because the debt is in her name, and basically said she’d just have to eat the cost."
"Then she told me, 'He won’t give me the money. Work harder is all I can do. I’ll eventually be able to pay the f**king bills, or I’ll be dead.'"
The OP finally called his wife out.
"That’s where I lost it. I told her those aren’t just her wages being garnished. We are married and operate a household together. Losing hundreds of dollars from her paycheck means less money available for OUR bills, groceries, and family expenses."
"She said she had already asked our son several times, and he either doesn’t respond or blows her off, so all she can do is work and take care of it herself."
"I told her that’s exactly the problem. She keeps asking him instead of requiring anything from him."
"When I told her to get the money from him NOW, she literally responded, 'LOL. Oh no. If he wanted to help or could, I’m sure he would.'"
"That sent me over the edge. I told her that this is exactly how we got here. She has protected him from consequences his entire life. Every time I’ve tried to hold him accountable, I’ve been painted as the asshole who’s being too hard on him."
"Now he’s an adult, created thousands of dollars in debt, ignored it, and apparently gets to say, 'I’m having money problems,' while his mother works harder to pay for it."
"And we’re supposed to have money taken out of our household to fix it."
The OP set a boundary.
"I got angry and told my wife, 'This is not going to affect us or our finances. I’m making this clear to you. I told you about this car multiple f**king times. I expressed my doubts, you still went and got him the car.'"
"'He defaulted on the car, and now it’s our f**king fault? The $200 a month that you’re going to pay for him will NOT come out of our regular finances. I don’t give a d**n what you have to do; you will come up with $200 extra somewhere else.'"
"'Stop spending, start saving. End of story.'"
"Yes, I know that was harsh. I hated saying it and regretted it immediately."
"And legally, I understand the debt is in my wife’s name. The finance company doesn’t care about our family dynamics. She signed for the car, so obviously she has to deal with them and prevent a garnishment if she can."
The OP wondered what all of this meant for their marriage.
"That’s not what I’m arguing about. My issue is what happens inside our marriage."
"I explicitly said no to this car because I believed our son wouldn’t pay for it. My wife did it anyway. He didn’t pay for it. She continued protecting him. Now the exact financial consequences I warned about have arrived, and her solution is essentially, 'I’ll work harder, and we’ll pay it.'"
"Except there is no magical extra money. If $200-$400 disappears from her income, our household absorbs it."
"At this point I feel like I’m not even fighting with my son anymore. I’m fighting with my wife over whether we’re ever going to require our adult son to experience the consequences of his own decisions."
"I don’t think my wife should ignore the creditor or let herself get garnished. Obviously the debt needs to be dealt with."
"But I do think our son should be expected to repay every cent of this, and I don’t think our normal household budget should be sacrificed to bail him out yet again. And if my wife insists on paying his debt without requiring anything from him, I think the money needs to come from sacrifices in her discretionary spending or additional income, not from money we need to run our household."
"My wife clearly thinks I’m being too hard on both of them."
"I think I’ve spent years watching this train coming down the tracks, repeatedly saying, 'Get off the tracks,' and now I’m being asked to help pay for the wreck."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out to the OP that their wife was enabling their son to the point of irresponsibility.
"This is absolutely no longer just a financial problem; it’s a very serious communication and respect issue."
"When a partner refuses to compromise or even listen while putting you at financial risk and expects you to just suffer the consequences silently, that is absolutely a case of emotional and financial abuse!"
"I understand that she feels responsible for your son, but she’s not actually supposed to be financially responsible for him anymore, and she failed to instill proper responsibility and discipline into him when it mattered as he grew (and gaslit her partner anytime you tried to take appropriate steps to do so yourself)."
"At this point, she is no longer actually functioning as a partner to you; she’s only your son’s enabler now."
"If I were OP, I’d be so fed up and hurt and desperate that I’d demand she deal with this and make it clear that if she cost me any more resources for an adult that has habitually abused their relationship to him for financial gain, I would file and change everything to financially decouple from her and wouldn’t even file joint taxes anymore so she can be free to live more closely enmeshed with her real partner, the manchild she created and refuses to help become a truly self-sufficient adult." - Nexi92
"His wife has just as much respect for him as his son does. OP should just be happy his son hasn't gotten someone pregnant yet because I'm sure his wife will say that's their responsibility." - AllAbouttheQueso
"Frankly, her constant protection has DAMAGED your son’s ability to be responsible for himself, because there have never been any consequences."
"There is a difference between a child-turned adult who knows they have a safety net, and one who has never learned why a safety net is needed." - WhyAmIStillHere86
"Kids are supposed to learn their mistakes and consequences at home while under your guidance… to teach him…"
"This hasn’t been done, and now she has produced a non-functioning adult... and the consequences are going to be harder... and rightfully so." - shooting4purgatory
"Hey, OP? I have a bit of experience with this being the sibling of a coddled child."
"Until they hit rock bottom, nothing is going to get better for your kid. My parents died before they left their house (after practically destroying it, f covid) willingly and presumably are hopefully working for a better life."
"We don't talk anymore due to stuff that happened between then and now, and our mother bailed them out of EVERYTHING. My sibling was/is (bear in mind I don't know current status) a drug addict and drank and drove, and it's a miracle they didn't kill anyone."
"Your wife needs to stop babying him. She is not doing anyone any favors. However, my mother didn't stop even after our dad died. If therapy doesn't work, I hate to say divorce might have to be an option." - chiitaku
Others agreed and said the OP would never see a return on the money invested.
"You will never see the money for the car from your son. If there was no paperwork and legal agreement signed by him about paying it back, just accept that your wife will have to make the payments. Nothing you can do about that."
"However, you need to have a frank discussion with your wife, and she needs to choose."
"Either she continues to support an adult child who, unless he has disabilities you have not disclosed, is just freeloading and you leave her, or together you serve him with formal eviction paperwork and get the ball rolling on getting him out of there, AND the two of you go to therapy, both together and apart." - NellyNellB
"Your wife isn’t taking you seriously, OP, sorry to say."
"She should never have made any decisions on her own like that."
"You should tell her to start selling her jewelry and personal items to cover the costs, and if I were you, I would consider setting up a separate bank account as your wife can’t be trusted at all."
"NTA at all." - Popular-Parsnip8911
"Anyone want to bet he will be back sooner rather than later?"
"I find it hard to believe that he is paying rent somewhere and not couch surfing." - Opposite_Community1
"OP, change the WiFi password at the house. Disconnect the power to his room. Put a padlock on the fuse box if you must."
"Put a password on the television. Tell your kid that the fridge is closed to him outside of meal times, and padlock that if you must."
"Outside of a bed to sleep in, he gets nothing until you get your money. This is exactly what would happen to him in the real world if he pulled this shit. Tell him to go to rehab if he doesn’t like it." - lostmymarbles1177
"NTA. Your wife didn’t buy her son a car; she bought him a consequence-free lifestyle and put the bill in her name."
"He’s not 'having money problems.' He’s learned that Mom will absorb the consequences whenever he does. And now she’s asking you to help pay the subscription fee for that lesson. You’re absolutely right that the debt legally belongs to her. But pretending it’s not affecting the household financially is nonsense. The bigger issue isn’t the $200."
"It’s that your marriage has become the safety net for an adult who has no incentive to stand on his own."
"At some point, 'supporting' your kid becomes enabling him. Your wife seems determined to find out exactly where that point is." - Far-Swim7394
The subReddit fully agreed with the OP's concerns about their son and his lack of financial independence. That was something that had to be taught and enforced, and since the OP's wife was constantly bailing him out of his mistakes, he had no reason to learn.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp