It's heartbreaking to find out that the people you thought were for you were not in your corner at all.
That feeling might just somehow be worse for parents trying to start over, only to realize that their new partner is not in their children's corner with them, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor WithnailCA had been with his girlfriend for nearly a decade, and while she wasn't close to his adult daughter, he felt they were on good terms.
But when his girlfriend started accusing his daughter of damaging the car she'd borrowed, the Original Poster (OP) was suspicious that something had gone wrong.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by considering ending my relationship because my girlfriend accused my daughter of lying?"
The OP had a good coparenting relationship with their ex-wife.
"I have a 20-year-old daughter. Her Mom and I separated 10 years ago."
"Since then, we’ve had a great relationship. We co-parent well and are both involved in our daughter's life."
"She’s a good kid, never in trouble, A student, and just a great all-around kid."
The OP thought that their girlfriend and daughter had a decent relationship, even though they weren't close.
"For the last eight years, I’ve been seeing my girlfriend, and she has been living with me for the last six years."
"Prior to Covid my daughter spent every other weekend with me and my girlfriend was usually not here."
"My girlfriend has shown no interest in being involved in my daughter's life, and to be honest, I’m happy about that. She already has a great mother. She only sees my girlfriend when the three of us do something together."
The OP's daughter recently borrowed their car while home from college.
"My daughter returned home from University for the summer and lived with her Mom. During this time, she would borrow my car as needed when her Mom’s car was not available."
"On the last weekend of August, my daughter had my car."
"I was at breakfast, and my ex texted me a picture of a cracked driver's-side mirror and asked if my car had looked like that prior to lending it to my daughter. I said it hadn’t."
"My daughter had parked it on the road in front of the house the night before due to the lawn guy coming the next day."
"My ex had gone out to move it to the driveway for when I would pick it up."
"My daughter said it wasn’t damaged when she left it there. Where she parked it was just to the right of a corner, so it was clear to me someone had come around the corner a bit too tight and clipped the mirror and left a couple of light scrapes."
"No big deal; the car is a 2014 that I plan on driving into the ground. To say I didn’t give a sh*t is a massive understatement."
But the OP's girlfriend wouldn't let the car damage go.
"Fast forward a few days and my girlfriend sees the damage and starts going on about how that doesn’t look like a sideswipe."
"I tell her I truly don’t care, I believe my daughter and that it’s Girlfriends issue. And both my daughter and ex know that if she ever told me about damaging the car, I wouldn't get mad. S**t happens, but in this case it didn't, she told the truth."
"So over the last month, she keeps asking me if I’ve ‘confronted’ my daughter about the issue."
"I replied I have not spoken to her about it and that it’s none of her business."
"Note: my daughter had returned to University the day after I picked up the car, and I had not seen her."
"Fast forward to last night, and I was able to go visit my daughter. While we were having dinner, she said my girlfriend texted her about the car!!"
"Here it is verbatim, with typos fixed:"
"GF: What happened to your Dad’s car"
"Daughter: It was sideswiped when it was parked on the street"
"GF: Doesn’t look like a sideswipe to me, like you hit a pillar. We need to go to insurance, as the damage is in 1000’s. Your Dad doesn’t want to fix it, but if he won’t I’m taking it to insurance and getting it fixed."
"Daughter: Oh OK, I haven’t even seen it. My mom was the one that told me about it."
The OP did not like how their girlfriend was treating their daughter.
"To say I was shocked by this text is a massive understatement. She crossed a line into parenting, which she was not allowed to cross, and accused her of lying about the incident, and as a bonus, threw in thousands of dollars into the conversation."
"As said above, I had been constantly clear to GF that this was not her business and to stay out of it, but she wouldn’t let it go."
"I have yet to discuss this with GF, but I feel this is almost a relationship-ending event. I feel she completely ignored my expressed wishes and crossed an irrevocable line. I don’t see how I can keep being with her.
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were grateful that the OP sided with their daughter and believed in her.
"I just want to say, as a daughter of a father who remarried not long after my mother died, and to a woman only five years older than me at that, it's healing to see a father sticking up for his daughter."
"Even if the daughter did lie, there are better ways to go about it all. Overall, you aren't worried about it and clearly showed you weren't."
"I imagine if your daughter did lie, then the way you originally reacted would have given her courage to tell the truth anyway. NOR." - Illustrious-Pin567
"NOR... 'She crossed the line into parenting.' No, she didn't. She crossed the line into attacking your daughter and trying to exploit her over money that was not hers or her business. That is not parenting. That is malicious and a sad attempt at manipulation."
"You sound like you are, in fact, underreacting if anything. Is your girlfriend always this worried about money and getting the value she wants from you? May I even ask if you happen to be in a pretty high tax bracket?" - Odd_Welcome7940
"First, major, major kudos for being an excellent parent and co-parent with your ex. Seriously. Love that! Your daughter is so blessed to have two parents who have her back."
"Second, FOR SURE NOR."
"It seems that you are facing an integrity violation. Those are hard to come back from. Your GF went behind your back, inappropriately accused your daughter, and lied to her about the money, etc."
"I would consider this a relationship-ending issue, as well."
"GOOD FOR YOU for protecting your daughter who is being a responsible and great kid and not making excuses for your GF's behavior. Wish all parents were like you!" - InspectorDapper8012
"She sent the text when she knew you were seeing your daughter to put your child on the defensive and force you to have a conversation that you had already said wasn't needed. Keep protecting your daughter and your relationship with her, and get this woman out of your life." - calminthedark
"You should also consider reaching out to your daughter to let her know you are not worried about the car. She does not need this worry while at college."
"Your girlfriend seriously overstepped, whatever her motivation. You and your ex are to be commended for your very positive and healthy coparenting. NOR." - springflowers68
Others agreed that this would be a relationship-ending event for them.
"Look, the fact your girlfriend was never interested in being involved in your kid's life was a massive red flag from the beginning. Now she's growing up, she's going to start seeing her as competition and have an issue with every visit after this."
"This, to me, is relationship-ending." - quiet-Hamster6509
"I'd break up over this. It is nothing but a power play to alienate you from your daughter." - Fluid_Window_5273
"That's a massive overstep and you're right to be furious. She went behind your back to your kid after you explicitly told her to drop it multiple times. The trust is gone at that point."
"The insurance bit is almost funny in a twisted way. It's your car not hers and she's threatening to file a claim over a mirror on an 11 year old car you don't even care about. She's made this her personal crusade for some reason."
"I'd be done too. Not just for the text but for the month of badgering you about it before she took matters into her own hands. That's not a partner that's someone who thinks they know better than you about your own daughter." - LostMarmoset
"NOR. I'd look back at the last few years and see if anything jumps out at you about your girlfriend's behavior."
"Ask your daughter if she's kept any interactions with the GF to herself to keep from 'making trouble.' I bet your GF has done other snide bulls**t that you don't even know about."
"She felt comfortable enough to text your daughter, and come after her over this." - StillMarie76
"Before you confront her, you need to get all your ducks in a row, because she is not going to go quietly."
"You've been living together for six years, so the first thing you need to do is start untangling any joint accounts. I'm talking everything from leases, bank accounts, credit cards, all the way down to streaming services. Quietly start removing her from everything that you can before you bring it up."
"You also need to make sure that anything you hold dear- family photos, passport, legal documents, sentimental items from your daughter's childhood- is all stored somewhere that she can't get to it."
"Any woman who would go behind your back and confront your daughter over something that is none of her business has become comfortable with the feeling that she has control over your life."
"That means that when you do confront her, there will be tears, apologies, then screaming and accusations. She will also try to paint you as a villain to anyone who will listen, so you might want to get ahead of that and let the people closest to you (that you trust not to say anything to her) know what is happening. You may need their help in the end."
"Best of luck!" - pkholloway
While the subreddit was glad to see the OP had a healthy co-parenting relationship with their ex-wife and believed their daughter about what happened with the car, they worried about the OP separating from their long-time girlfriend.
It didn't sound like a positive relationship, and the OP's daughter was concerned; if they wanted to maintain a positive relationship with her, they might consider being single for a while or dating someone else.
