Anyone who has been assigned the role of the butt-end of family jokes can confirm that not only is the experience not fun, but it can strain their relationships with their families over time.
At some point, the jokes might become too much, and anyone outside the family would understand why the target of the jokes would decide that enough is enough, empathized the users of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor NorraNaughty had been teased by her family for her entire life, especially by her sister, for being responsible and taking on obligations for the family that no teenager should.
When her sister used her toast at her own wedding to pick on her, the Original Poster (OP) decided she had put up with enough.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for leaving my sister's wedding reception after she made me the butt of a 'family joke'?"
The OP had always been the responsible one in her family.
"I (25 Female) have always been the 'responsible one' in my family."
"I've helped raise my younger siblings, worked two jobs during college, and even financially supported my parents when they hit a rough patch."
"My older sister, 'Rachel (30 Female), has always been the family favorite. She's outgoing, funny, and everyone gravitates toward her. She got married last weekend, and things hit the fan."
The OP often found Rachel's "playful" attitude directed at her.
"Rachel has always had this 'playful' habit of roasting me at family gatherings."
"It started with harmless jabs, like calling me 'Mom Junior,' because I'd remind everyone to take their meds or clean up after themselves."
"I laughed it off for years, but at some point, it turned mean-spirited. She started calling me 'Miss Buzzkill,' saying I didn't know how to 'let loose' because I preferred reading at home over clubbing."
The jokes escalated at Rachel's wedding.
"For the wedding, Rachel asked me to give a toast as her Maid of Honor (MOH)."
"I thought it was a huge honor, so I worked hard on a heartfelt speech about her finding love and the bond we share as sisters."
"But when it was Rachel's turn to speak, she thanked those who helped make the wedding happen, and when she turned to me, she gave this whole jokey speech about 'the woman I've always looked up to… as a reminder of what NOT to be.'"
"She then went on to 'jokingly' compare me to a 1950s sitcom mom who 'probably schedules fun time.'"
"Everyone laughed, but I felt humiliated in front of 200 guests. Even my parents were cracking up."
The OP had enough of the jokes.
"I wanted to keep it together, but after the speeches ended, I quietly excused myself to the bathroom to cry. When I got back, the jokes hadn't stopped. People at my table were still making comments about me being a 'buzzkill' while pouring drinks."
"I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed my purse and left."
"Since the wedding, Rachel has been blowing up my phone, calling me 'dramatic' and saying I 'ruined her big day' by storming off."
"My parents are siding with her, saying it was 'just a joke' and I 'need to loosen up.'"
"I told them I'm done being the family punchline, and now everyone's calling me selfish for making the wedding about me."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that not only had she not overreacted, she'd actually been graceful.
"NTA. When someone disrespects you as a person, you remove yourself from their presence. You know this wasn't just poking a little fun, this was downright making you the butt of an ongoing joke."
"The fact that she would make her speech about you instead of the life in front of her and her new husband is despicable. She can find someone else to humiliate for her jollies from here on out." - ForwardPlenty
"Honestly, OP leaving quietly was generous. I would've taken the mic back and been like, 'Thank you for that speech. Now let me remind you who paid for your bachelorette party, raised this family, and supported our parents,' and then left." - Srevelance
"I wonder why the second eldest (OP) helped raise the younger kids, not the eldest (Rachel). I'm the oldest daughter and was parentified quite a bit so I know it's not a great situation."
"However, I find it appalling that Rachel didn't at least help OP. It's even more appalling that Rachel made fun of OP for stepping up when Rachel wouldn't. She seems like such a piece of s**t."
"NTA." - Ok-Addendum-9420
"As a fellow oldest, what is wrong with the sister that OP is the responsible one? Middle child syndrome is quite strong in those around me, but somehow this OP is a middle child who is the most responsible one. That says a lot. And most of it is not great."
"OP, you have every right to put a stop to ever being the family punchline again. It was never your job to let them bully you. It is not okay. I hope you are able to set some very firm boundaries and find some peace. Best of luck to you OP! Hugs if you want them!" - ConfuseableFraggle
"NTA. I think she should go no contact, go live her own life, and completely forget about this family of a**holes." - R0ck3tSc13nc3
"Let me get this straight. The OP just gave a heartfelt speech, wishing the couple all the best, and the bride used her time to make fun of her sister?!"
"You have your five minutes in the spotlight and use them to bully your sister? You work hard at making 'what a boring person my sister is' the topic of your wedding, thus replacing 'what a wonderful couple they are'?"
"The bride had to WORK at ruining her own wedding. She managed it, and the parents (who had already neglected their younger kids and stolen OP's childhood) helped her."
"OP is entirely NTA for leaving. She has a spine, and I hope she keeps polishing it." - allyearswift
"She used her big moment to tear you down instead of celebrating her marriage. It's one thing to joke around with family, but this was crossing a line."
"You have every right to remove yourself from a situation where you're being humiliated, especially when it's happening in front of hundreds of people."
"At the end of the day, respect comes first. NTA." - lovelylolaaaa
Others agreed and theorized that the bride's "joking" speech had backfired with the in-laws.
"I have to wonder what the husband's family thought about it. Instead of talking about her love for their son and her happiness to be spending her life with him, she decided to mock her sister for working hard and taking care of everyone."
"I would be so disgusted if I heard someone mocking a family member publicly, let alone the responsible one. NTA, OP." - BlazingSunflowerland
"The in-laws are probably worried about their son marrying such a nasty bully. That's why the bride needs the OP to come back and say it's all okay. To make it worse, that's why the family is pushing for the OP to roll over so much, so that the groom doesn't seek out an annulment or divorce." - Haunting-Aardvark709
"Ooo, I bet the in-laws are realizing that the groom married the wrong sister and think that he's a total f**k-up now. They want the OP to prove that her sister was the right choice for her new brother-in-law and to clean up her sister's mess, just like she's always had to. NTA." - Cowboys82288
"It sounds like the groom's immediate family had said something about him marrying a bully and s**t is about to hit the fan with the new in-laws after all this and that's why they want OP to 'laugh it off.'"
"I wonder how many people in the in-laws' family are more like OP and are wondering why the groom picked the bully over the responsible one, AND when they think they're going to be the next victim of the bully's 'jokes.'"
"I hope the groom signed a prenup. NTA." - little_Druid_mommy
"I've kind of been on the other side of this, as an in-law. My stepbrother married a woman whose older sister was MOH (Maid of Honor)."
"The MOH made the worst, most catty comments towards the bride in her speech. My family and I were sitting there with our mouths hanging wide open. We couldn't believe how little this woman had to say about her own sister that was actually nice."
"And every 'nice' comment came with a qualifier, condition, or disclaimer for why it 'could' be nice. She couldn't just BE NICE. She honestly just came off as petty and jealous that her sister got married before her."
"I think the bride was pretty embarrassed and hurt. We were just sitting there cringing and wondering how this was possibly going to work out." - exobiologickitten
"Imagine seeing this woman mock traits like ambition and responsibility, knowing that's who's going to be raising your future grandchildren and sharing finances with your son."
"I'd be so devastated for the sister and very worried about what my child had married into if I was watching that display."
"Honestly, I'd be sending my son links for how to start a marriage annulment." - Local-Suggestion2807
It was already appalling enough that the OP's sister humiliated her in front of 200 people, but it was alarming to the subReddit that the bride had chosen the wedding toast, which is a time to celebrate new love and families coming together to celebrate, to really drive the point home.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp