Money.
Everyone wants it.
But it can come with consequences.
An appreciation of money is important to a lot of people.
So when some people witness others tossing it around without care, it can be disconcerting.
Case in point...
Redditor Personal_Confusion_1 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my wife that the only reason she says 'money doesn't matter' is because we're rich?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (48 M[ale]) and my wife (47 F[emale]) both have very well paying jobs."
"I am a Pediatric Doctor and she's an Attorney, which have allowed us and our kids (20 F), (17 M) and (15 M) to have a more than comfortable lifestyle."
"My wife has a tendency to say things like 'Money doesn't matter' and that 'material things don't matter' and she says them all the time."
"Which kinda irks me because she's right."
"But I was raised in a poor family, and I know that she wouldn't be saying the same thing if we were middle-class."
"But I haven't said anything up until this morning."
"I had made a comment about needing a better watch, and my wife was saying her usual 'money doesn't matter.'"
"I told her that she was only saying that because we are rich and because she has never experienced being without money in any sense."
"Predictably, she got upset with me, and now I'm wondering if perhaps I overreacted and went too far."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. People who have always had money seem to be delusional about it."
"Money absolutely does matter when you're poor."~ ohokaythen666
"NTA. Honestly I don't hate rich people but they are definitely naive about their privilege a lot."
"It gets annoying when you grew up not having what you needed/wanted because of poverty."
"It's also why I could never be super intimate with someone who grew up wealthy. It feels like they will never understand." ~ littlemissmoxie
"The detachment is so real."
"I'm comfortable for a single person in an extremely high cost city (I live very near where Bill Gates and Bezos live), as in my bills are paid and I have a tiny savings."
"But I work for a business where almost all of our clients are multi-millionaires with the occasional billionaire."
"I was talking to one of our regulars the other day about gender roles in marriages, and he 'doesn't have a problem with women working, but he just thinks someone should be staying home with the kids.'"
"And I asked him what to do if they can't afford to live off just one person's income."
"His response: Just get a nanny!"
"I haven't recovered from dying over that. Not just daycare, but a freaking NANNY." ~ boneyjoaniemacaroni
"Totally with you there."
"While I didn't grow up poor, money was always an issue and I was made aware at a pretty young age that some things were just not available to us due to our financial standing."
"I don't see it as a bad thing."
"It taught me humility and generosity because I know there are always people who are struggling more than me and a dollar to me may be worth nothing but to someone struggling to feed their family it means a lot more."
"Having dated quite a few people who grew up in a well-to-do family, I feel like oftentimes there is some kind of empathy or self-awareness that is just lacking."
"They've never been told 'no' when they were a child and were never made aware that life is a struggle and to be grateful for what you have."
"Also, in my experience, they're often more likely to be rude and demanding to service workers." ~ AnotherRusskiPianist
"NTA. I like the saying 'money is like oxygen, you don't think about it when you have enough but it's all you can think about when you don't have it.'" ~ JebbAnonymous
"NTA. I've heard plenty of fortunate people say 'money doesn't buy happiness' and all of those other cliche sayings."
"And in some ways they are right, but it can buy security, which brings peace of mind which in itself allows you to focus on being happy." ~ icantweightandsee
"Statistically, having enough money to live in a secure situation, pursue your life goals, and weather emergencies is very important for one's psychological health."
"Money beyond that doesn't really matter, happiness-wise."
"In fact, it can decrease one's happiness—one may come to think of one's funds as a 'high score' that one must increase in order to 'keep up with' fellow wealthy people."
"Money can buy happiness. Riches cannot." ~ SnubbyPears3144
"Money buys happiness."
"It just has diminishing returns."
"So yes, if you are rich it won't buy happiness."
"But if you are broke, then it most definitely will." ~ PolitelyHostile
"At the same time, this is coming out of the mouth of someone who thinks their watch isn't nice enough, with no indication that it isn't working, its just not good enough."
"Sounds possibly hypocritical at this point to get onto her about her view being warped by her wealth."
"Just because he started out without much money does not mean he isn't at a disconnect of his own by now."
"Maybe she wishes he wouldn't show off and flaunt money." ~ ScarletDarkstar
"NTA... but your wife is only an a**hole very gently."
"It's difficult to understand and accept your privilege when you've grown up with it."
"I once said something akin to "Money doesn't matter" or "Money doesnt buy happiness" to a friend and got a proper lecture by a friend."
"It went somewhat like this: you only say money doesn't matter because you have it, it buys you a good university, nice holidays and good care altogether."
"These are things that make you happy/happier that you buy with the money that you say doesn't matter." ~ tiacalypso
"NTA - Alex, can I get 'things only rich people say' for $500?"
"Money matters A LOT to most people, especially now, unfortunately." ~ JennieGee
"NAH. She's probably never had to think about it like that before, and pointing it out made her uncomfortable."
"Since it was bothering you, you're def not an AH for pointing it out."
"And I honestly don't think she's an AH for being upset."
"As long as she uses this as a chance to learn."
"If she continues to hold a grudge or something then my answer would change." ~ catslady123
"I think the devils in the details here."
"He was talking about a watch and she said money doesn't matter?"
"Was she talking about the cost of the watch doesn't matter or was he wanting an expensive watch and she didn't think it should be expensive?"
"I'm confused because stuff is missing from this."
"If he was a jerk about it yes he's the AH."
"He should talk to her more about how he feels emotionally about money."
"But the actual story doesn't sound like she said anything wrong and money is not important beyond sustenance in a lot of ways - this is a pretty common sentiment?"
"I don't know. I need more info." ~ REDDIT
"NAH. I can't call your wife an ah for being oblivious to her privilege and you aren't one for calling out her obliviousness."
"You guys need to sit down and have a talk about her comments bothering you and what you guys can do going forward."
"You guys just need to communicate better." ~ herreramom31
"NTA - I grew up below the poverty line, like you, was very lucky to move into a very well paying career."
"Money matters."
"Anyone who doesn't think it matters has never had to decide between buying milk and buying bread (and you buy the bread because, let's be honest, milk is a luxury item at that point)." ~ engg_girl
"Ehhh I'm gonna go NAH."
"You're talking about a new watch, your wife, in turn, says 'money doesn't matter,' what I get from that is, she's telling you to get a watch that is good and not worry about price."
"But it seems if y'all needed to be conservative about money this would be totally different."
"You were kind of an AH because you bit her head of about it."
"And if it bothers you so much why don't you sit down with her and have an adult conversation." ~ sunshinestategal
"NTA people who have never experienced it will truly never understand what it's like."
"I think you were pretty decent with your approach, nothing wrong with being honest."
"Just hopefully she can be understanding of your point of view." ~ KingOnce
"NTA. People who have stayed up all night wondering how they were going to pay their bills or if they were going to be evicted or who had to put three items back in the supermarket because they couldn't afford everything in the cart NEVER say stupid things like 'money doesn't matter.'"
"Money always matters."
"It's relevant what matters more: obviously your loved ones and your health are more important than money but everything in life is harder without money." ~ Even_Speech570
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
Yes people get to spend their money how they please.
But a little perspective can go along way.
Hopefully the next conversation foes better.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp