Living with roommates isn't always easy.
It takes a special kind of chemistry to make it a smooth situation.
Things can often get bumpy when certain types of situations arise, like overnight guests.
Not all guests make it comfortable for everyone.
Redditor garbagetruck00 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"My roommate's mom banged on my door when I had a guy over and said 'Shut the f**k up!' AITA?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (F[emale] 19) live in a college apartment with 3 other roommates."
"The roommate who lives right next to me (F 19) had her mom stay the weekend with her in her room."
"Tonight I had a guy over and nothing crazy happened, around 5 am we started to fool around."
"The mom then bangs on my door and says, 'Can yall shut the f**k up?'"
"Mind you we aren't making much noise, all we are really doing is making out, no sex."
"Also, in the past, when I've had company, I've asked my roommate if she could hear me and my guests, and she has said that she can't hear us."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So am I the a**hole for having a guy over and making noise while her mom is staying over?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole (for the most part).
"NTA it's your place too."
"I actually think it's weird her mom stayed there."
"My parents always got a hotel room when they visited." ~ Daewoos4Life
"I came here to say this!"
"My parents always got a hotel but my roommate's parents (divorced, came at different times), always slept on the couch in our living room which I found super weird but didn't want to cause a stir about." ~ acs_64
"Sounds like you are underestimating the amount of noise you make, so that shouldn't even be part of the question."
"Maybe move your bed to the opposite wall?"
"This whole situation makes me cringe."
"Your roommate's Mom was rude in her approach to the situation. NTA" ~ pinekneedle
"To be fair, it's your apartment too."
"To be fair, I would NEVER have had a boy over in college if my roommate's mother was staying in the living room, and I double wouldn't have then started going at it at 5 am."
"A**hole? No."
"Stupid college girl behavior? Yes." ~ ThirdThymesACharm
"It could be that the roommate had complained about the noise to her mom in the past… so mom is being an a**hole on behalf of the daughter."
"But the mom is out of line."
"Regular making out is not going to wake someone up in another room from sleeping, so you must have been making some noise that you were unaware of." ~ Only-Cookie-8672
"Well clearly you were making some kind of noise, or else she wouldn't have heard you."
"NAH, she should have been politer about it, but no one wants to hear their kid's roommate doing anything intimate."
"It's not going to hurt you to lay off the affection a day or two."
"And you do still have to live with her daughter."
"No sense in intentionally making enemies." ~ Call_Me_Anythin
"If you don't want to hear the noise of other people's bedroom activities, then maybe don't sleep over in the home of a bunch of college students." ~ KrofftSurvivor
"So what if it wasn't the mother and instead the roommate who said something?"
"I'm on board with labeling the mom TA because it was not her apartment, BUT OP was probably not as quiet as they thought they were, and has admitted as much in their post edit."
"I'm a light sleeper, and if I had a roommate who I could hear talking through a wall all night (quite likely for college apartments) then start fooling around at 5 am so I could hear them, I'd be annoyed."
"I'd approach it like a roommate meeting about establishing quiet hour boundaries or something, but if she's making enough noise to keep roommates up, that IS a problem."
"Roommates should not have to listen to you having sex." ~ b1tchf1t
"I would have said 'You can leave you know? This is my place too, you don't have to be here!'" ~ Okinomii
"Lol. I mean obviously, you were making some noise for her to do that."
"But obviously, she handled it terribly, and it's your place, so you have the right to make noise."
"I don't know because, as an adult, I've only lived alone, thank God, because this sounds so awkward."
"I would think there's a more mature way than addressing it than banging the door and swearing at you though." ~ lifeinwentworth
"I had to ask someone to keep the noise down once - but I like to think I did it in a better way than that Mum."
"I was in a shared house with 4 girls."
"One had her boyfriend over, and they were talking for hours."
"And that's not a euphemism, I do actually mean talking, they might have been doing other things but it's the talking that's relevant."
"By the early hours of the morning, they were still talking and one of the other girls couldn't sleep because of his volume or tone of voice was just carrying through the house."
"I ended up tapping on the door and asking them to keep their voices down."
"I don't think they were happy but we were exhausted and had to be up a few hours later."
"So I can see the mother's point if it was 5 am and she was being kept awake all night, but she was very rude for the way she did it - unless she'd had to ask multiple times already - and it should have been the roommate asking, not the mother." ~ NarwhalPrestigious63
"NTA. She's a guest in your home, and she's acting like that?!"
"I would be so embarrassed if I was your roommate." ~ Admirable_Broccoli_5
"Nobody is going to get intimate with anyone without everyone knowing."
"That is unless you go to the extraordinary precautions of putting on a little music or turning on the television."
"Or waiting until you have a place to self."
"Most people probably don't want or need to listen to you fool around--though a lot of people ARE into that and I do not judge."
"Also, knocking around at 5 AM is the time a lot of people are trying to sleep."
"It is your space, too."
"You have the right."
"NTA, but whether it was one of your roommates or one of their guests if you are waking them up, they are also NTA for asking for you to keep it down." ~ elvisthree16
"NTA. Her mom doesn't have authority over you in your apartment." ~ Liss78
"NTA. It's your apartment, too, and honestly, it's so weird she even was staying there knowing her daughter has 3 other roommates, like I think most parents would get a hotel or something, but she had no right to say that to you. I'm embarrassed for her." ~ Due-Register5374
"I think it's really weird for her to immediately start banging on doors and screaming without doing something else first like gently knocking on the door."
"NTA, she blew up, if they really can hear you, then they should leave since they are the guests." ~ Short_Gain8302
"NTA. Also - moms should NEVER stay in their kid's college apartments especially if they have roommates."
"I have a daughter in grad school."
"I have stayed with her 1 time in college."
"She was very very sick with the flu and Covid." ~ NoMathematician4660
"NTA. I'm a mom who visits her daughter often."
"She also lives in a college-style apartment."
"If I'm up there without her dad I stay with her, it's fun."
"She enjoys it, and her roommates don't mind."
"I also don't judge or interfere with what is going on in the apartment, that's not my business."
"I did notice the walls are very thin between rooms, and if I can hear her roommate on the phone."
"I know they can hear each other when boyfriends come over, so we moved my daughter's bed to the other side of the room."
"They're young adults, and they need to start communicating."
"If the daughter is bothered, she needs to talk to her roommate."
"If the mom is bothered, she needs to get a hotel." ~ Late_Education_6224
"Girl, my mom stays over sometimes in my apartment with my roommate and me."
"You know what we do when we hear something we're not supposed to?"
"We giggle and move on with our lives."
"Her mom is way out of line. NTA." ~ kyleecurtis6701
"NTA. She may be the mom in her house, but in your college apartment, she's just a guest who has absolutely no right to tell you what to do."
"Tell her to behave appropriately or leave."
"Honestly, I'd say she's already overstayed her welcome by talking to you that way." ~ GDswamp
"NTA. Tell your roommate: If her mom can't behave, she can no longer come over." ~ k23_k23
"This made me laugh at some of the responses you are getting since I'm a Mom of a college-age kiddo living in an apartment with 3 other people."
"You pay to live there, and so does your roommate, NOT her parents."
"If they decide to stay, then they can face the consequences of hearing what goes on in a college apartment!"
"If they can't handle it, then they need to get a hotel room next time."
"Please have a conversation with your roommate when her parents leave so you can make sure everything is good between y'all." ~ KMKS050914
"You're NTA because she was rudely out of line."
"However, a pillow behind the headboard can help avoid disturbing others if you're going to play Mattress Olympics at the crack of dawn." ~ Dittoheadforever
"NTA. This is where you live, if her mother feels bothered about anything she can go back to where she lives." ~ Red-Octopus91
Some of Reddit felt differently...
"Her approach was definitely rude."
"But you're also making noise at 5 am."
"I'll go with ESH." ~ Financial-Can-4710
"I agree with this."
"When people wake me up in the middle of the night I come out like a banshee, you don't mess around with people's sleep schedule."
"It basically brings out the AH in you the longer the noise goes on, and as mentioned by OP her 'we were so quiet' wasn't true either."
"They likely went to bed late and then things just started stacking up noise-wise, give it 20 minutes and I would prob be pissed too."
"At 5 AM you basically hear everything: the washing machine 3 floors up, the police car sirens from one side of town to the other and I am def sure OP doesn't make out like old people do."
"Both parties should know that you won't find privacy in a college apartment; both the making of the noise and the reaction were AH-worthy, and to be fair, I've seen people react worse."
"I mean, I had a roommate who started playing banjo at 5 am, and one of our neighbors literally tried kicking down the door to shove his instrument up his ass."
Also if someone reacts this way it is because either..."
"A) the noise had been going on for a long time or...
"B) this has happened before and either not addressed or ignored by OP." ~ Blue_Waffled
"I don't think she was sitting there with her ear to the wall at 5 am."
"Maybe you were a bit louder than you thought eh?" ~ OllieMoee
"This!!" Or the roommates have been having sleepless nights for ages and couldn't dare say anything... walls can be THIN and noise insulation can be bad."
"Maybe OP never realized this and was sometimes louder than she thought."
"It is a college apartment so... not a place to get hot and live a free life without boundaries."
"I am sure the mum has reasons to act like this."
"Maybe she meant that Op should not have random guys over during the semester when they all should be focused on living working and studying."
"On holidays, okay, on vacations okay." ~ important_hotell
"ESH. You're not obliged to behave a certain when your roommate's mom is visiting."
"Your roommate's mom should find other accommodations however if she doesn't want to potentially be kept up all night staying in a dorm."
"You should try to be more quiet in general since clearly you're making more noise than you intend to make."
"You've still got to live with your roommate after this so it's in your best interest to figure out how to do that amicably going forward." ~ Chickenmoons
OP came back to chat...
"Since a lot of people are commenting on it, yes, we were probably a tad bit louder than I had originally thought, but there definitely wasn't any extreme moaning or super egregious sounds (no bed or walls shaking)."
"I was mostly taken aback by how she approached me."
"But it's on me for making noise."
"From now on I will definitely be more cautious of bringing guests when my roommate has her parents."
Most of Reddit is with you, OP.
Your roommate's Mom was outrageously rude.
That is not how a person behaves in another person's home.
She could've knocked quietly or said something the next day.
Hopefully, this won't cause issues in your home situation.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp