We all have that one friend - or are that one friend - who can never be on time.
It doesn't matter how important the event is, how close or far away it is or even the time of day.
They're just always late.
While the tardiness in and of itself may be quite annoying, it would likely become infuriating if you were charged every time it happens.
A man on Reddit is furious his wife, who is a stay at home mom, accrued outrageous fees for consistently picking up their child late from daycare, so he turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor AdMuted1534 asked:
"AITAH for telling my wife that late pick-up fees are on her and her alone?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I am 34 years old. My wife is 33 years old."
"We've been together for 10 years and have a four-year-old son together."
"Ever since we started dating, my wife has chronically been late."
"I can count on one hand how many times I remember her being on time."
"She has this bizarre tendency to leave when we're supposed to be arriving at whatever venue we're going to."
"If we have reservations for 7:00, she's not ready until 7:00."
"If the movie starts at 5:45, she's not ready until 5:45."
"I used to find it kind of humorous and almost endearing."
"There was an ongoing joke of her being from the distant future where we had figured out wormhole technology for instant teleportation, and that she just had not adapted to the present year yet."
"But now that we have a child together and important appointments for which we cannot be late, it's not funny anymore."
"It regularly causes me a significant amount of stress."
"Our son started going to daycare last year."
"Since my wife is a SAHM, taking him to and from daycare is her responsibility."
"Naturally, she is late dropping him off every day."
"Then she is late picking him up."
"In the middle of August, our son's daycare sent out a group e-mail informing us that there would be a new fee for any late pickups."
"Every minute that a parent was late, the daycare would tack on a $2 fee."
"10 minutes late would incur a $20 fee."
"To be perfectly honest, there's no doubt in my mind that they started this because of my wife, who was late to pick him up literally every day his first year."
"I've tried to get her to be better, but when confronted, she always has an excuse ready to go, which makes it impossible to have any discussion about the subject."
"Well, our bill for the first two weeks of September just arrived."
"Lo and behold, on top of the normal fee, I found a $262 late pickup fee on the bill, which means that my wife was late to pick him up, on average, 12 minutes per day."
"I told my wife that as usual, I would be paying for the normal fees, but she would have to pay the $262 late pickup fee out of her $800 allowance."
"She initially refused, saying she couldn't afford it (despite having no real expenses other than her phone and Netflix), and then she called the daycare to try and debate the issue."
"I watched as she tried to play Erin Brockovich."
"She eventually tired herself out frantically googling laws while on the phone and hung up on the poor staff."
"At that time, I told her that it was entirely her fault, and that if she can't even do the bare minimum of being an adult, she needs to grow up."
"She immediately began barraging me with excuses."
"She then laid down her final debate-ending question: 'Why don't you just pick him up then?'"
"Because I'm at work."
"I work for a living."
"Anyway, the daycare won't take him back until the bill is paid in full."
"I feel terrible for my son because he's completely innocent in all of this and loves going to daycare, but I feel like it's the only way to get my wife to realize there are consequences for her tardiness."
"Am I pushing it too far too fast, or should I stick to my guns here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on the situation and overwhelmingly declared OP is not the a**hole (NTA) in the situation.
"NTA. She's lucky the daycare didn't just refuse to allow him to attend any longer."
"Many daycares here have waiting lists (or I should say the GOOD ones do) & would have just given y'all notice that he would no longer be welcome there."
"Your wife really needs to stop disrespecting others - which is blatantly exactly what she's doing when she's late to pick him up."
"(You might warn her that his SCHOOL will likely not tolerate this one day & are not above calling CPS when parents just don't show up to pick up their kid on time repeatedly.)" - MyHairs0nFire2023
"So she's a SAHM, who's lucky enough to put kid in daycare, why on F can't she get on time for her kid?"
"Will it be the same for school?"
"What is she doing the whole day to not even be able to leave on time for her own kid?"
"She's an adult. She should start behaving like one."
"Don't put your foot down, OP; she needs to grow up faster. NTA" - MushroomPowerful3440
"NTA she's not a child."
"There is zero legitimate reasons for her behavior."
"I think it's great that you're finally stopping the enabling." - mynamecouldbesam
"Eh, NTA."
"The late fees are solely because of her."
"She needs to find a way to make sure she's there on time to pick him up." - VII_187
"NTA"
"Her refusal to take responsibility for her lateness is just another example of the perpetual selfishness and disrespect she shows to anyone and everyone else's schedules every single time she is late."
"That is despicable behaviour."
"She is telling the daycare that her time is more important than theirs, so they can damn well wait for her to show up."
"They've said no, absolutely not, and they're giving her an appropriate consequence."
"It's only right that she fully experiences it."
"Now that there are actual consequences, she'll find a way to be on time."
"But you should absolutely have another discussion with her about how her behavior is totally unacceptable in all walks of life."
"She is 100% capable of being on time. She is CHOOSING not to be."
"Well, guess what? The world doesn't revolve around her."
"And to be honest, you've enabled her behavior long enough."
"If you want to be married to a narcissist who is trying to bully the world into running according to her schedule, go right ahead, but don't expect the world to accept it as you have."
"Because I certainly wouldn't." - Cursd818
"NTA."
"She absolutely and undoubtedly needs to fix this."
"I don't know how you handle your finances, so I won't tell you who pays for this."
"This is however 100% her fault, and she needs to grow up, acknowledge it, and stop making excuses."
"And you should hold your ground until she does."
"Excuses are understandable when it's once in a while."
"When there's an excuse every other day, then there's an issue." - vaginalextract
Several also pointed out that, ultimately, their son is the one who suffers from her chronic lateness.
"NTA"
"This is not about the money alone."
"It's also about your child who is sitting there, probably alone, because the other children are picked up in time, feeling abandoned and forgotten." - agnesperditanitt
"NTA. Former preschool teacher."
"The closing staff hates your wife."
"Her being late impacts them."
"There are cleaning and processes they do once all the kids are gone that they can't do till your kid is gone."
"They have lives."
"They have their own kids and family to get home to."
"They have second jobs."
"They have classes."
"They are simply all done with their work day and can't be because she is an inconsiderate pos."
"It used to happen so much at my center that we started doubling fees after the 3rd offeive....for the remainder of the year, too!"
"Your wife is inconsiderate to the school staff, and it is sh*tty for your kid to know his mom doesn't care enough to pick him up on time like all the other parents."
"And he does know, and he does realize." - skigirl180
"As others have asked - why is she a SAHM if you guys are having to pay daycare fees?"
"How does she think it makes the child feel when everyone else's parents pick them up on time, and he's left there sitting alone because his SAHM can't be f**king bothered."
"What else is she doing at this time?"
"It's time for her to grow up." - lychigo
"NTA. Consistent lateness isn't just a quirk—it's a habit that can severely disrupt lives, especially when a child is involved."
"It seems like more than a time management issue; there could be underlying causes that need to be addressed."
"That said, it is not unfair for you to expect better for the sake of your child's routine and your own peace of mind."
"Enabling won't help her; setting clear expectations and consequences might."
"It's important for her to realize that when she's late, she's not only disrespecting your collective time and money but also your child's well-being and sense of stability." - EllieBarnes18
According to his fellow Redditors, OP has every right to be furious about the situation and hold his wife accountable for her actions.
Hopefully, this will help her realize the effects her behavior has on others.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp