Being able to sleep comfortably is imperative.
It's especially important for parents of young children.
And those tend to be the exact people who can't luxuriate in that slumber.
Making room for comfort in a bed doesn't sound difficult to accomplish.
But many would be surprised
Redditor whoisdarvo wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for throwing my wife's pillow out of the room?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Last night, when getting ready for bed, I tried taking a picture of how my wife was laying in the bed to show her how little space I had."
"She made a joke of it and hid under the blankets."
"We have a king-size bed."
"We also have a toddler that sleeps between us, and my wife keeps a pillow between her and the toddler."
"I was trying to show my wife that she and her pillow already took up over half of the bed, leaving me with little to no space, especially once our toddler laid down."
"I tried telling her I needed more room, but she kept making a joke of it."
"So I got in bed, grabbed the pillow she keeps at her back, and tossed it into the hallway saying here, this will help."
"The next thing I know, my wife is furious, crying, and is gathering her other pillows and blanket saying, 'if I'm that much of a problem, you can just have the bed to yourself.'"
"She and our toddler went to the toddler's room to sleep (that bed is a full-size)."
The OP was left to wonder:
"This morning my wife is still mad and barely speaking to me so I ask AITA for throwing my wife's pillow out of the room?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Info: put the toddler in their own bed?"
"Problem solved."
"Co-sleeping is usually done by year 1."
"The kid is a toddler he should sleep in his own bed."
"NTA, your wife is the issue here."
"When you try to communicate with her about having more space, she brushes you off and then makes jokes about it."
"So she clearly wasn't listening to you at all."
"She was hogging the bed and basically making you either sleep in another room or have you no room."
"Her reaction to a pillow being thrown is an overreaction."
"Take back the bed, the kid should be sleeping in his own bed anyway."
"If she isn't willing to sleep without him, then she can sleep in the other bed in the kid's room, but you should take the main bed back."
"In short, I think she is being horribly inconsiderate and jerk." ~ BuilderWide1961
"Be a parent."
"Pick up the kid and put him in the bed."
"He is wayyy too old to sleep with Mom and Dad."
"You have to do this for the kid's development even if your wife disagrees."
"I have three kids; it's not hard to pick them up and put them to bed; if they get out, repeat putting them to bed."
"Yes, they will cry and be upset, but they will settle down, and in a week, it is their normal." ~ BuilderWide1961
"This is so backa**wards."
"An infant (under 6 months) should not be sleeping with parents in the same bed."
"They could suffocate or get rolled on."
"If an older kid wants to climb into their parent's bed at night for whatever reason, there is no real reason to stop them."
"Let them be a kid and seek comfort while they can. Geeze." ~ daxdotcom
"Give her a choice, toddler or pillow, but not both."
"She's basically kicking you out of your own bed."
"I would say NTA if this is simply the case."
"If you are always bothering her for sex and she's using them as roadblocks, well, you have a larger conversation at hand."
"I might switch my vote if that is the case." ~ sneksnacc
"Gotta point out that it's pointless to have a toddler in bed with her if she doesn't want to sleep next to a toddler by resorting to a pillow separating them."
"That is not co-sleeping. NTA." ~ klj02689
"Your wife is the a-hole here."
"Acting like a complete baby because she can't understand that you need space to sleep."
"It's fine. She has space from the flailing toddler, but you don't have space to yourself!?"
"She needs to grow up and stop manipulating you."
"Time to do your jobs and give that child a proper sleeping situation." ~ dontbeadouche26
"NTA but wife sure is."
"You have to both want to co-sleep for it to be healthy."
"You tried with her several times, and then she overreacted to a pillow throw."
"Assuming nothing else was said between you, I'm on your side."
"I fight this fight with hubby and two dogs." ~ weliketoruinjokes
"NTA. Your wife can't have the kid cosleep with you guys and put a barrier between herself and the child just because she wants the space."
"You guys need to have the kids sleep in their own room or move their bed into your bedroom so they can sleep separately."
"Her not taking it seriously and then melting down over a thrown pillow is ridiculous."
"It was a pillow she used as a BARRIER to keep the kid from kicking her, why does she get to have peaceful sleep while you're cramped on an edge because of a toddler kicking and moving?" ~ Buffalopigpie
"NTA. You tried addressing the issue and she literally refused to listen or compromise."
"I've had this issue with my wife in the past, and she didn't take it seriously until I threw her extra pillow across the room in the middle of the night."
"She's been much more conscious of it ever since, and during her pregnancy and recovery after I told her to take as much space as she needed."
"Once she was feeling better, she moved back out of my zone and returned my ancestral bedland to me."
"Not a single issue to be had."
"But then again, my wife cares about my feelings." ~ Shatterpoint887
"ESH, but you are a little less than your wife."
"The toddler should be in their own bed. Period."
"I get co-sleeping is a thing, but it completely destroys intimacy between a couple in their marital bed."
"Not to mention the sleep issues (like space, being kicked), etc."
"I think after a certain point in a child's life, it's ok to make them sleep in their own room."
"Many of us slept in our own be,d and we have survived."
"I imagine she uses the pillow as a way to avoid rolling on the child."
"What she doesn't understand is how little space between all of that leaves you."
"And your sleep matters too."
"What bugs me is her thinking it's all a joke and then getting mad when she realizes you were serious about it."
'But you were a bit extreme with your reaction."
"Schedule a time when you both are awake, not combative and not distracted (like get someone to watch the kid for 30-60 mins) sit down and make a decision on how to handle this whole situation (sleeping arrangement), because it ain't working."
"Raising a kid is a 2 parent's decision, not just one. "
"You're going to have a long, unhappy marriage with a lack of sleep if you don't effectively communicate with each other."
"P.S. Also just say you're sorry you got upset last night."
"That is usually a good start to having her at least communicate with you." ~ CheeSupreme1743
"ESH. I'm upset so I'm gonna throw things is pretty much the worst possible lesson to pass on to your toddler."
"You are a parent now; when you are having an emotional response, you need to think of how you want your kid to handle having an emotional response."
"Also - being in bed is a super vulnerable place."
"If someone doesn't want their picture taken in bed (or, you know, at all) please listen to them."
"I know that part of it is probably bugging me more than other people (I've got some trama) but I've got to say something." ~ Music_withRocks_In
"ESH. This conversation needs to be had, but bedtime isn't the time to have it."
"You need a place to sleep, but she probably has a good reason for the pillow between her and the toddler."
"Toddlers tend to kick in their sleep. Hard."
"Y'all need to put your heads together and brainstorm some new solutions."
"Cause contrary to what all these commenters think, 'Put the kid in their own bed' isn't NEARLY as easy as it sounds, as you likely know OP."
"She needs to not laugh you off, but you need to not throw her stuff and escalate the disagreement."
"And seriously: don't bring up issues at bedtime, especially if you want them solved immediately."
"It's a recipe for a big argument and no sleep, and it's not a recipe for good problem-solving." ~ etds3
"How is ANYONE saying ESH??"
"He's getting a sliver of the bed to sleep on because his wife thinks it's funny to have herself, a pillow, AND toddler on the bed."
"She's a selfish brat, but HE's somehow also the AH?" ~ ancient_fruit_wino
"NTA. She is old enough to understand you need space to sleep."
"She's a grown adult and she's acting that way instead of communicating?"
"And it's throwing a pillow."
"She def overreacted." ~ Busy_Chemistry5368
"He must have resorted to pictures because it seems like he brought up this issue before, but the wife blew it off, just like in this post."
"Also, it's quite annoying that you are trying to talk about a problem with someone, and they joke about it."
"I don't think you will have time to say stop if the tension/anger has been building up to the point where you explode at the person."
"That's when they finally get that it's no longer a joke."
"Even saying 'stop' in this situation, the wife would still take it as a joke, which warranted this reaction from the husband."
"So him throwing the pillow must have been his built-up anger that he had after being ignored for a long time."
"I'm gonna go with NTA." ~ Informal_Cup3026
"As a mom to 3 kids, NTA."
"Kids should be asleep in their own bed."
"No one is getting good sleep in a bed-sharing situation, which greatly impacts how you're feeling throughout the day, especially for a toddler."
"Kids need to learn how to sleep without a parent next to them." ~ mamadovah1102
"NTA. Everyone is missing the main point here."
"It's NOT about the kid sleeping in the bed."
"A king-size bed is plenty of room for 2 adults and a toddler AND even a body pillow."
"It's about the fact that when he said something, instead of rearranging things and scooting over to make room, his wife refused and even tried to take up more room."
"Maybe as a joke at first, but then when he got frustrated SHE blew up and 'out angered' him."
"She is being weird and passive-aggressive or trying to make some kind of power play." ~ sleepybirdl71
"NTA if she doesn't want the toddler to touch her when she's sleeping, which is what I'm assuming because of the pillow in between them, she should put the kid in their own bed."
"You mentioned in one of your comments that that's another fight you can't seem to win, so she can't have it both ways. Either she gets rid of the pillow, and she's up against the toddler all night, or the toddler goes to sleep in their own room." ~ Relevant-Reply3083
"NTA - If she cannot respect your bed boundary, why are you expected to respect hers?"
"The kid goes in their own bed from now on and the wife can stay on the couch by the kid until she's ready to come back and be an adult about the whole of it."
"Enjoy the sleep real-estate while her tantrum winds through." ~ Quaranj
"NTA. It was a silly display, but not intentionally hurtful."
"Advice: Put the kid in the middle of your bed."
"Get your own guard pillow."
"Center everything on the bed."
"Show her how little space is left if everything is split evenly."
"It's likely not enough for either of you."
"Then move the kid to their own room or go sleep in the kid's bed."
"It's full."
"You'll have lots of space to yourself."
"If she wants you to come back, the kid must sleep in their bed." ~ BangPowBoom
"Info: how are you and your wife having a sexy time?"
"In your comments, you say that there are fights that you're not winning."
"Sounds like it's time for couples counseling cause doesn't seem like a happy relationship for you."
"Sleep is sacred."
"Good luck! NTA." ~ Majestic_Register346
"The issue is the toddler."
"You NEED to have them sleeping in their own bedroom, or at the very least NOT in your bed."
"NTA for creating space in your own bed, but you need to co-parent and get that stuff figured out." ~ Packwood88
"NTA and your toddler needs to sleep in his own bed!" ~ bakejk
"NTA - You made a joke of it, just like she did."
"Apparently, she doesn't like when you make light of it and can't communicate like an adult." ~Stranger-Tastes
Reddit is with you, OP...
well, for the most part.
There could have been better ways to express your frustration.
But your frustration is understood.
Time for a serious chat with each other and maybe... a therapist or sleep specialist.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp