There are certain aspects of parenting that people who aren't parents just don't think about.
One great example is potty training.
We all understand that parents have to teach their children how to use the restroom, but we may not know all the nitty gritty details, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Valuable-Leg-95 knew that her friend's son still needed assistance in the restroom, which she didn't agree with, given his age.
When her friend went so far as to suggest that she should help his son, the Original Poster (OP) could only side-eye him.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not cleaning and helping a child wipe [poop off their butt]?"
The OP's friend and son were recently visiting her at home.
"My friend (30 Male) was visiting me (30 Female) with his son, who we will call 'Jacob.'"
"We were hanging out and decided to play some Mario Kart in the living room while his son was playing a game on his iPad."
"His son then wanted to use the bathroom. He's been here before and knows where to go."
"I don't have children, but I feel like children around the ages of five or six should be able to wipe themselves. However, my friend and his wife still clean him up and wipe him."
The OP was shocked at a request her friend made.
"While he was going, we stopped playing and were talking when we heard Jacob call out that he was done (meaning that he was waiting for someone to help him wipe)."
"My friend groaned and didn't get up. He asked me if I could go clean up Jacob."
"I looked at him with a blank stare, which p**sed him off."
"He scoffed and got up to go see Jacob. After 10 minutes, they both emerged from the bathroom."
The visit ended with an argument.
"My friend looked livid and said that he had s**t on his shirt because of me (I don't even want to know HOW he ended up with s**t on his shirt) and that I should have done it for him."
"He said he hates doing it and feels like it's his wife's job."
"I told him well thankfully I'm not his wife, and I'll never clean up his son."
"He ended up cutting his visit short and left."
Even the friend's wife criticized the OP.
"I don't think I was the a**hole, but his wife texted me later, berating me for not doing this because my friend was having a very rough time. He lost his job and was depressed (I didn't know that) and visited me to clear his head."
"I felt bad because maybe I should have noticed that his demand was out of the ordinary and done it, now that I know how he felt."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some found the friend to be sexist and reassured the OP she had done nothing wrong.
"YTA for your 'friend,' not you."
"If he is uncomfortable cleaning the a** of HIS kid, he needs to discuss this with HIS wife."
"I agree with you that a child this age should be able to clean himself if they are not suffering from any condition that affects their mobility."
"By the way, his wife is also a massive a**hole."
"I'm glad you didn't clean the kid. In my opinion, you'll need to consider if you want to be surrounded by such people."
"For you, absolutely NTA." - corgi_crazy
"The only scenario where YTA is when there are no other adults around and you leave the kid hanging."
"I cringed so hard when I saw the dad asked you to do it. The cringe just set deeper and deeper into my face until the story ended."
"Definitely NTA. The father is delusional, and the mother is deluded to his delusions." - Ljammer4
"NTA. What sort of entitled a**hat thinks someone else should wipe their five-year-old child's bottom when they are there and able?"
"They also need to teach their kid to wipe his own bottom because this will become a HUGE social and schooling problem." - msfinch87
"WOW! NTA."
"Why is it the woman's job to wipe a poopy bum? That's the parents' job. And then the guy does this weird thing where he blames you for him getting s**t on his own shirt?"
"Unreal. He and his wife are major AHs." - CZ1988_
"If you were male, would you have been expected to help his child? I doubt it."
"I'm guessing butt-wiping is somehow 'women's work' to your friend and his wife. Probably why he did such a s**t job of it and had the audacity to blame you."
"If your friend is too depressed to take care of his kid, he shouldn't be out with him unsupervised."
"NTA. Not even close." - WhizzoButterBoy
"My whole issue with this is who asks someone who is not a parent or close relative to wipe your children? I know I would not allow ANYONE who I did not consider family in the bathroom with my child. Like what the f**k?!"
"NTA and it's so weird that your friend would ask you to do that in the first place. His incompetence is not your responsibility." - Jazzlike-Solution584
"My oldest is five-and-a-half years old and is learning to wipe himself. Many of his peers are also just learning, so it is quite normal to not be able to wipe at that age."
"It is, however, not normal to be a parent and not be able to wipe your own kid's butt and even stranger to demand that someone else do it. NTA." - Marshmallowloverx
"Former teacher, babysitter, and current mom here. At five or six, they can wipe themselves... technically speaking. But you're gonna have some hard-core road rash on those undies."
"It's good for kids to try so they learn, but many times an adult comes and helps them 'finish the job,' so to speak."
"Many kids won't poop at school because they are very conscious of this fact and/or they are poop shy."
"That being said, OP is NTA because it is not her job to wipe a butthole in training."
"But my response to all the people with no experience with kids saying five- or six-year-olds can/should wipe themselves is the same as most others on this thread who do have experience with kids, 'Well yes, but also no.'" - fairywings789
Others agreed but decided to joke with the OP about the situation.
"NTA. An uncommunicative and lazy friend is uncommunicative and lazy. If your friend was busy doing something important and asked while you were free, maybe YTA, BUTT not so." - foxydevil14
"NTA. He wasn't enough 'depressed' to play video games, but he was too depressed to wipe his six-year-old's a**. Rightttttt." - imalreadydead123
"YTA obviously. I'm 22 years old, and my friends help me wipe my butt, and I help them wipe theirs. I would expect nothing less of them."
"And sometimes people slip and you get s**t on your shirt. It happens."
"I grew up in a family where we all wipe each other butts, and if you're not accepting of this completely normal and natural behavior, then YOU'RE the problem."
"Especially if your friend is depressed. I mean, he has a kid, so how could he not be depressed? He probably got fired because he didn't wipe his coworkers well enough. And now he's struggling in this particular area of his life with his own son, and you refuse to help? How cold."
"(All sarcasm, obviously NTA.)" - skarkywarky47
"ESH, because you with your womanly knowingness failed to tell your friend not to use his shirt to wipe his kid's a**, and he with his adultness and assumed previous experience with toilet paper should have known better." - tonic_slaughter
"Clearly, it was your job, because you were born with a vagina. Never mind the fact it's HIS kid. (sarcastic comment)"
"NTA obviously." - gnothro
"I'm sorry your friend lost his job and is depressed, but how does that make you TA? How does that make it your responsibility to take care of his child? The wife seems irrational too!"
"Well, d**n it. I have a headache, don't feel like it, and am angry about not getting a pony at age three, please take my child to school, pay for their daycare, buy them lunch, and wipe their a**."
"NTA, OP." - Mamamamymysherona
After receiving the feedback, the OP shared a thoughtful update and additional clarifications.
"Holy s**t (no pun intended). I didn't expect this amount of comments! I'm a bit overwhelmed but I'll try to read most comments."
"This situation is just so mind-boggling and bizarre that it kind of still feels surreal to me. Thank you for all the comments. I'll try to answer some questions I saw."
"Jacob is not disabled. His mother is really overbearing and just decides to do everything for him, my friend follows suit. Jacob will start school in September (he was homeschooled before)."
"My friend has made sexist jokes before, but he did apologize profusely when it made me and his wife uncomfortable."
"This situation makes me believe that he was always inherently sexist."
While some tried to educate the OP about a child's needs in the restroom, pointing out that it's normal for kids to still need assistance at this age, they otherwise were side-eyeing the father for trying to pin this responsibility on the OP.
Though his child might still need help cleaning up, that is a parental responsibility, not a friend's, even when a parent is experiencing depression.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp