As much as we might want to work through our relationships and help them last, some relationships are not worth keeping.
That's especially true if someone is being suspicious and does nothing to improve their behavior or at least explain it, agreed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor wiggyfig had been dating a guy for a while who went on frequent work trips, which she was supportive of, but she was becoming increasingly suspicious about how unavailable to her he was during his travels.
When he reduced his calls and even claimed to have lost his phone, the Original Poster (OP) felt like he was avoiding her and had something to hide, making her question if the relationship was worth it.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for thinking that my boyfriend is being shady?"
The OP was supportive of her boyfriend's work trips but not how he behaved while he was on them.
"My (27 Female) boyfriend (34 Male) goes on trips almost weekly for work conferences, and there’s a pattern that keeps happening."
"He’ll text me in the morning, and then I won’t hear from him until the next morning."
"He said the same thing, 'I fell asleep the second my head hit the pillow,' sometimes with maybe one text throughout the day."
"When he comes back from his trip, he rejects sleeping with me. At one point, he said no to sex for two weeks."
"He goes to the gym on these trips, goes to dinners that he says are for work, and goes to 'after dinner mixers,' stays out until 3:00 AM."
"I genuinely don’t care if he goes out. I don’t ask him what he did, who he was with, or anything like that."
"All I ask is that he communicate with me in some way when his night is over. I just want a text or call when he’s done for the night, rather than hearing from him the next morning."
The latest trip was the final straw for the OP.
"He hasn’t been doing this, and on his most recent trip, it happened again."
"He texted me in the morning, and I called him a few minutes after he texted, but he didn’t answer."
"I asked him to please answer the phone, and he refused. We spent 40 minutes arguing over text, with him saying he was taking a shit and couldn’t call."
"He never called me afterward and then turned off his phone for seven hours."
"I felt someone was in his room, and that’s why he wouldn’t call."
"Last night, he told me he was going to dinner for work. I asked him to please text me when he was done with his night."
"I didn’t hear from him until 2:00 PM the next day, when he sent me this message, 'I left my phone at the restaurant ln and had to wait until they opened today to get it back. I just made it to my gate and am about to board my flight back.'"
The OP wasn't sure what to think about the future of the relationship.
"I honestly don’t know what to make of this. The timing feels suspicious to me. At the same time, I don’t know what actually happened."
"I haven’t responded to his message yet, and I’m trying to figure out what to do."
"I’d really appreciate advice on how to handle this and what you would make of the situation."
"Please be kind. I’m genuinely looking for advice, and thank you to anyone who takes the time to respond."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were suspicious that the boyfriend was a cheater and probably had a whole family to go home to during "work trips."
"Your boyfriend is married and needs to show up for his kids." - GreenUnderstanding39
"NOR. He probably goes home to his wife. Break it up and get tested."
"Hopefully you can find his wife and let her know. Her health is in danger from her husband's entitled, wandering d**k." - DanaMarie75038
"A few lines in, my thought was he is married, and without her knowing, OP is the other woman."
"Hopefully not, but yeah, his behavior is weird. NOR." - Shoddy-Secretary-712
"All these weird behaviors are because he is with someone else."
"The once-a-day text is probably while the wife's in the shower."
"He can't text right before bed, because the wife would ask who are you texting at this hour."
"When you called and he wouldn't call back but did text, he couldn't talk to you on the phone in front of the wife but since it was now daytime he could make up some lie about who he was texting, probably saying it was work." - Baby_Blue_Eyes_13
"Does it make sense for him to have an affair but not have sex with his affair partner because he is exhausted from having sex with his wife back home?"
"No, but it makes sense for him to not want OP to catch him with an STI. I’m not sure whether she’s the other woman, or he’s out drinking all night and hooking up. He’s definitely up to something."
"Two weeks is a very specific time window. I Googled the treatment for different STIs. Chlamydia is seven days antibiotics, followed by seven days of abstinence." - Twidollyn_Bowie
"So, my dumbass ex was having an emotional affair for a while before it became physical. We had sex almost daily, if not twice a day. But she didn't have his three kids to take care of and have chronic health issues and had free time to tell him how great he was..."
"And by take care of kids... I also mean help them deal with his emotional outbursts and narcissistic behaviors." - Enough-Course-317
"He's probably doing this to the other woman when he's with you. Because he is afraid of being alone. And it's an ego trip for him."
"I used to know guys who would brag to my husband and me about how they rotated women. How stupid these women were. Because they would send these women the same texts (copy-paste) once or twice a day. All the women bought it."
"And they would rotate who they slept with. How they had all the women cooking for them and sleeping with them."
"Until, of course, they got older. Now these same men are bald, overweight, and alone, struggling to find a partner. It catches up with them."
"Then when their other friends marry/partner up, they lose friends. Because they don't have anything in common with their friends who grew up." - Odd-Meeting1880
Others pointed out that even if the boyfriend wasn't cheating, his behavior was suspicious enough to make him undesirable.
"NOR, but honestly it doesn’t matter if he’s being shady (he is). He is being wildly disrespectful by ignoring your very clear and reasonable requests about communication."
"Next time he goes on a work trip, block him while he’s en route back so he comes home to you just not being in his life anymore." - 6Saint6Cyber6
"Honestly, it doesn't matter what he is doing. This is not the relationship you want. Stop trying to find 'good enough' reasons to break up or leave something that's Not. For. You. Just do it already." - Appropriate-Drag-572
"What is the point of playing detective? The fact that he won't assuage your fears is enough of a reason to break up. You've asked for clarification, and he refused. Just break up."
"You're gonna spend time, energy, and effort doing detective work when his lying is enough of a reason to end this. If he's not willing to make you feel better about this, just end it." - yogibear2190
"He can't compromise or meet you halfway, then he's GONE, in my book. I don't play games, and I don't have time to play detective. You're either genuine and authentic or a POS; either way, I'd block this a**hole now and wash my hands of it after one final message communicating that he's suspicious as hell and it won't work, bye." - IllustriousReason89
"I’m so proud of you, OP. I know that was hard because you do like him, but every time you miss him, or if he tries to love bomb you, remind yourself that he has made it evident with his actions that he does not like you."
"A hungry heart will swallow lies, so fill your heart by fostering relationships with family, friends, pets, or take on a second job, a degree or certificate, and/or dive into your hobbies."
"You deserve to be cherished." - No-Atmosphere9119
"When I was much younger, I had a boyfriend who did this. He never left town, but he repeatedly went out with friends and coworkers I never met, never said where he was going, stayed out till whenever, and didn’t contact me till the next afternoon."
"I really liked this guy and didn’t want to throw the relationship away bc I didn’t have proof that he was doing anything wrong. Yet, I was super uncomfortable being segregated from parts of his life."
"When I finally told my dad, he gave me the best advice ever. He said I didn’t need to know anything to break up with him. That I should go, simply bc this isn’t what I want out of a relationship. I mean, really, what’s the future with a guy who ices you out when he’s having fun and then again when he should be dealing with your concerns?"
"OP, tell him this isn’t working for you, acknowledge that you both want different things, and let him go without further explanation. When you do, you’ll feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. NOR. Go find your soulmate." - lobr6
"OP, what are you doing? Find someone you adore, and who adores you and treats you well. Life is really freaking short." - jeremyjava
The subreddit understood the OP's frustrations and agreed with her suspicions about her boyfriend's behavior, but while she considered giving him the benefit of the doubt, they didn't think the relationship was worth it.
If a partner is this suspicious so early in the relationship and offers no explanation to help their partner through it, it's better to find a more considerate relationship.
