More than likely, we have all at some point made plans with someone, only for them to not work out because someone forgot, double-booked their schedule, or overslept.
It's a very human thing to drop the ball and make mistakes, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit, and the best thing to do in these situations is to simply apologize and move on.
After working a long shift, Redditor T_cna_health was exhausted and fell asleep, even though she had plans to meet up with her sister.
When her sister was disappointed, the Original Poster (OP) lashed out at her rather than apologizing for the mishap.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for sleeping and missing plans with my sister, and then getting mad at her?"
The OP worked a demanding job as a CNA.
"So I (18 female) am a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant). It's a hard job to say the least."
"I work 8–12 hour shifts with normally only 1 day off during the week."
The OP didn't think her sister's life was nearly as demanding.
"Yesterday was my day off, and my sister (22 female) wanted to hang out."
"My sister has a rich fiancé who basically pays for everything while she does whatever."
"So I was all ready to hang out, but my sister needed to run a few things to her fiancé at his work."
"Fine by me, I was just going to watch some TV while I waited for her to be done."
But hanging out didn't go as according to plan.
"I ended up falling asleep and slept through my sister texting and calling, because my phone was on silent from work, and I just didn't turn it on."
"Well, she came banging on my door, and I of course woke up. She got mad and said how I barely had to wait for her, yet I still fell asleep."
"I said, 'Well, I'm tired from having to work. We don't all have a rich fiancé who can pay for everything.'"
"She called me a AH and a heartless b***h and slammed my door shut."
Her mother sided with her sister.
"I got a called from my mom also, getting mad at me, saying my sister just wanted to spend time with me."
"Even when I tried to explain how I work all the time and I think I have a right to be tired. It's like nobody cares."
"So AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the OP reacted too harshly against her sister.
"YTA. It was a pretty low blow to attack her right off the bat for being frustrated, that much is obvious."
"I want you to think about something though. I don't know if your sister is anything like me, but if I had plans with someone and they very suddenly went from responsive to radio silent, I'd grow concerned pretty quickly that something might have happened and the person I was meant to see was in danger."
"You very easily could have just told her she startled you and that you were sorry you dozed off. Jumping right to the bitter response you gave her was uncalled for." - L3v14th4nTh3Th1rd
"OP went from 0 to 60 pretty fast." - justcelia13
"Plans get ruined, and when that happens, you apologize for it instead of immediately snapping at the other person about something that you're obviously already resentful about that has nothing to do with the actual situation at hand." - frustratedfren
"YTA. You hit below the belt."
"I'm sure the sister was probably annoyed then probably worried."
"It is clear that OP is envious of said rich fiance and used the first opportunity that they had to use it as an insult." - Electrical-Date-3951
"YTA. What exactly does her fiancé being rich have to go with anything. You keep bringing up how hard you work, and she doesn't. This sounds like jealousy."
"You only had to answer the door and tell her what happened simply and apologize. There is something deeper here." - Beneficial_Bunch_593
Others agreed and said the sister was likely worried something bad had happened.
"If someone was not answering the phone, I'd be freaking out, especially when there's a plan to meet and it's clear we're meeting."
"Her frustration may even be stemmed because she was worried sick so she blew up at OP."
"All OP had to do was like, 'Oh crap. Sorry, I fell asleep. I crashed hard because I just pulled a rough shift.' Not insult the sister with 'rich fiancee.'" - tmchd
"If I had plans with my sibling and they suddenly fell off the face of the earth (didn't respond to calls, texts, banging on the door) I would assume something HORRIBLE had happened and start freaking out."
"Yes, you're tired, but her having a wealthy fiancé has NOTHING to do with this argument."
"Several years ago I took an Ambien and scared the h**l out of my coworkers by sleeping through every alarm and 15 phone calls/text (accidentally left the phone on vibrate)."
"I woke up the next morning to first responders banging on my bedroom window and my boss crying on my front porch because she assumed I was dead."
"I now keep everything on high volume and too far away for sneaky/sleepy me to turn off or mute." - thejexorcist
"This is not about falling asleep and missing the interaction with a family member. That is forgivable and it happens to the best of us."
"The issue here is how the OP reacted to that family member. OP said she missed countless texts and calls and was woken up to banging on the door and reacted to the banging on the door in a hostile manner and was upset that her sister had the audacity to be banging on her door."
"Of course, the sister would be banging on the door because they had made plans and OP didn't answer multiple texts or phone calls and eventually went banging on the door."
"Sister was banging on the door not because her day was ruined by not meeting up but because she was worried something had happened to her sister and OP's sister was met with nothing but rude comments." - Truffleshuffle03
"When my sister was in college, my mom was supposed to be meeting her for lunch one day and had called her that morning to clarify what time they would be meeting."
"My mom called again right before she left to let my sister know she was on the way. No answer. So she waited 5 minutes into her 45-minute drive and called again. No answer. She started calling repeatedly for the rest of the drive. Still no answer."
"By the time she got to the dorm, she was in a panic, wanting to call the school and the police to open up her dorm room. Thankfully she called me, and I called one of the girls on my sister's floor, who called someone else who was at the dorm to go over and see if they could get in."
"So, 55 minutes after the initial no answer, my sister stumbled out of her dorm, bleary-eyed from her 2-hour nap, and into my mom's car, ready to give her h**l about embarrassing her, only to get a verbal smackdown from my mom, my dad and me, on speakerphone, waiting to hear whether or not she was dead, or in a coma, or concussed, or kidnapped, or if she had just fallen asleep."
"Sister was properly chastised and apologetic about worrying all of us, and then we all went about our day."
"YTA, OP."
"People worry when you suddenly stop responding, and as someone who works in the medical field, you've probably seen why. Have a little bit more empathy towards your sister." - meagantheepony
Some were more critical of the OP following through with her commitments.
"It's fine to be mad because someone else was inconsiderate. OP didn't hold to plans or answer the phone. Don't make plans if you won't make sure to stick to it." - Whatthehonker
"I've fallen asleep and missed plans. But I've apologized, not for falling asleep itself but for inconveniencing others by falling asleep. Some consideration that you put someone out goes a long way."
"OP could have just done the same and skipped the drama." - HarlesBronson
"This happens. It's not a huge deal."
"It's TOTALLY reasonable for the sister to be like, 'Dude, what the heck,' and OP's response SHOULD have been, 'Dude, I'm so sorry, I did a 12 yesterday and forgot to turn my ringer on, and fell asleep! Starbucks on me next time!'"
"And everyone could get on with their lives." - Known-Salamander9111
"She fell asleep with her phone off so her sister couldn't contact her. Yes, you can fall asleep waiting, but if you have your phone off, it's ditching."
"If you want to sleep, you arrange another time for the get-together." - badkitty627
"She didn't yell. Of course, she was visibly angry. She just wasted her entire day."
"All she said was she barely had to wait and immediately OP jumps to calling her a pampered sugar baby? OP was rude and doubled down."
"Just because you are a healthcare worker doesn't absolve you from your own actions. Why isn't this common sense to you, OP?" - Common--Sensei
While the subReddit could understand that this situation was likely frustrating for all involved, they took issue with how the OP and her sister handled it.
The sister was likely worried about the OP when she didn't pick up her phone, but that wasn't necessarily a call for speaking harshly.
The OP, on the other hand, chose this moment to lash out about something that was completely unrelated to the conversation, when all she really had to do was apologize for missing their plans.
Being human and making a mistake is okay, even if it's inconvenient and frustrating. But lashing out at a person for some hidden grievance may not be.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp