For many of us, family always comes first, and we'd do anything for our flesh and blood. But sometimes, our family members can make demands of us that just seem to be a bit much.
A woman on Reddit found herself in this dilemma when her parents asked her to babysit her baby brother.
She wasn't sure about how she handled the drama, so she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by clunchcaptain on the site, asked:
"AITA for not babysitting for my parents?"
She explained:
"For a bit of background, my parents have 5 children, of which I am the oldest. There's a 8 year age gap between me and my oldest brother, and they started popping my siblings out pretty frequently after he was born. My youngest sister is 6."
"My childhood and teen years were spent taking care of my siblings. I never went out with friends or dated cute boys because I was always too busy doing dinner,bed and bathtime for 4 children. When I got older, I signed permission slips, and attended recitals and plays like a parent should."
"When I turned 18, I was made the official emergency contact. Even now, the youngest two call me mommy sometimes."
"About a year ago, my parents told us that they were expecting another baby. I was 21 and had moved out, but I was staying at my parents house to care for my siblings during lockdown while my parents worked their essential jobs."
"This is pretty sh*tty, but I wasn't happy for them. I made it clear that I had no desire to raise anymore children for them. I told them explicitly that they were not to ask me for ANYTHING concerning this child because I was ready to start living my life."
"This past month, they have begun to call me on my days off and asking me if I could watch my new brother because they want to have nights off. I have declined every time. This weekend, when they called and asked, I hung up the phone."
"My family is pissed and they keep sending angry texts and messages saying that I'm being selfish and that I took it too far. I still don't feel bad, but I need to know, am I the a**hole?"
OP's fellow Redditors were then asked to judge who is in the wrong in this conflict based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And they were nearly unanimously pretty horrified by OP's parents' behavior.
"NTA - What they're doing is called parentification. It's a form of child abuse. They are the ones being selfish. They brought another child into the world. It's their responsibility to parent."
"You made it perfectly clear where your boundaries are. Stand firm. Enjoy your life." --doublestitch
"Do not have kids if you're relying on others to raise them. That should be common sense. OP deserves to live their life, not raising their own siblings. Having spent their own childhood and teenage years as a parent figure it's long past overdue to just live." --ScorchieSong
"NTA, if the youngest 2 still call you mommy theirs a problem there" --0crow0
"NTA- this reminds me of an episode of Super Nanny where the mother kept having more and more children. I think they had 9 and the oldest two children were bearing the brunt of raising the kids. And she wanted to get pregnant again. The oldest son was having anxiety and panic attacks because of it."
"It is not your responsibility to raise their children. It's fine if you want to set parameters around saying for example, I will babysit one night on a month, but you have no obligation to babysit at all if you don't want to."
"This is their responsibility and if they need additional help then they should budget and pay for it." --RoadGoddess
"NTA. Not your kids, not your responsibility. They made the choice to have yet another baby and said baby is 100% their responsibility. You owe them nothing. Go and live your life!!!!" --Consistent-Leopard71
"NTA. Be prepared to sever from your parents, though; they've been dumping their job on you for so long, they won't take no for an answer." --fibergla55
"NTA. You were an abused child, forced to parent. Your parents and family are horrible to try to guilt you. Congratulations for standing up for yourself." --mikekingmoore
"NTA"
"But OP be prepared your siblings are going to turn on you. Your parents are refusing to do their jobs as parents. Their next course of action, since in their minds you won't fall in line, is to make you brother (whom I am guessing is about 13) take care of the baby." --JadedSlayer
"NTA. You told them you would not be babysitting for them in advance. The disrespectful people in this situation are your parents, who are totally ignoring what you told them. You're NOT being selfish and you took it precisely far enough. You keep telling them no and they refuse to listen. Seems to me that hanging up on those repetitive phone calls is exactly the right thing to do. If they want a night out, they can hire a babysitter." --Miranda666
After reading other Redditors' responses, OP came back to add a follow-up.
"EDIT: I've been told by friends and family members to just cut off my family and go on with my life. A few comments have shared a similar sentiment. I would just like to say that this is very difficult for me."
"I'm having a hard time going from seeing these children 24/7 to not having seen them in months. As a sister and their former primary caregiver, this is painful for me. I'm definitely not ready to move out of town or go no contact."
Hopefully this family can learn how to better respect each other's boundaries in the future.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.