It's not uncommon for one household to have a sole breadwinner, who becomes the sole provider as a result.
However, in many households, whether it is made up of family or roommates, there is an understanding that everyone contributes to household expenses.
Where things tend to get somewhat murky, however, is what exactly constitutes a household expense.
Redditor SuggestionBright2238 and her husband moved in with his family after getting married.
The original poster (OP) and her husband's family all lived with the understanding that everyone contributed equally towards the household.
However, one family member made a purchase assuming that everyone would contribute towards, only to find themself in for a rather rude awakening.
Wondering if she was on the wrong side of this disagreement, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA For telling my Mother-In-Law [MIL] we're not paying for her appliances?"
The OP explained why their MIL found herself at odds with almost her entire family:
"So I 25 F[emale] live with my husband 25 M[ale] and his family."
"His family consists of his mother (who i'll be referring too as MIL) and 2 older brothers (Kevin 30 and Alan 27)."
"For some background, I would consider my husbands family being very close knit, being that they always had movie nights, game nights and dinner together the majority of nights."
"I also got along well with my MIL before this situation."
"We recently got married, and decided to move in with my husbands family because we want to save up for a house, while I also finish my education."
"Of course before making this decision we had sat together as a family and discussed what everyone thought and if everyone agreed."
"Additionally during this conversation we had specified that we would have a timeline to move out even if it weren't because we purchased a home."
'When I moved in (about 4 months ago) we as a family decided to split every bill equally and that MIL would send a text letting everyone know the total for the month."
"Well last month MIL decided to purchase some appliances for the home."
"This wasn't discussed as a family and most of us didn't even know until a few days before they arrived."
"When we found out about this my husband and Kevin both separately spoke to MIL to make sure this was an individual purchase instead of a family one, because none of our appliances were broken/non functional."
"She in both cases just stated that it was her purchase and left it at that."
"A month goes by and MIL sends the bill text and Kevin notices that the appliances have been added."
"He sends a text asking why its on the bill and that this needed to be discussed."
"MIL only reply to this is 'since we all use the appliances we should all pay for it'."
"Since Kevin, my husband and I were home, we have a conversation and decided to send the money excluding the appliance cost."
"To my knowledge Alan just goes with whatever MIL says and probably sent the full amount."
"Fast forward a few hours and MIL comes home furious but after some time we all just state that we aren't going to pay for appliances we didn't need and had previously clarified we weren't paying for."
"I left most of my commentary for my husband to handle so it wouldn't come off as me trying to attack her, or intrude on her home."
"However I did clarify at a certain point that it just didn't sit well with my husband and I that she would just add that to the bill with no previous conversation and never even motioning it."
"This being amplified because my husband and I trusted her completely and never looked at the breakdown cost she would include with the bills."
"We would just see the total and send it."
"She said we're being unreasonable and that we should be grateful because moving out would be way more expensive."
"Then after a few days just proceeded to ask my husband when do we plan on moving out and started sending passive aggressive text and rentals showing how expensive everything is."
"So AITA for basically telling her we're not paying for her appliances?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not paying for her MIL's appliances.
Everyone agreed that the OP's household had a clear set of rules regarding household expenses, and her MIL should not have expected everyone to agree pay for the appliances she bought:
"She tried to retroactively change the deal."
"You called it out."
"Now she's mad it didn't work."
"NTA."- Wooden-Luck1865
"Can you take 25% of the appliances with you when you leave?"
"No?"
"So they are a purchase for the house and doesn't count as utilities/bills."
"NTA."- ooragnak_ume
"NTA."
"But this arrangement with your MIL isn't going to work."
'You'll be miserable there, so just go ahead and move out."- stiletto929
"NTA."
"Ask her which appliance is yours to take when you move seeing as you're expected to pay for the new ones."
"Or are you supposed to cut the appliances in thirds?"
"Sounds ridiculous right?"
"Because it IS!"
"Just because you USE it doesn't mean you have to pay for it."- GardenSafe8519
"NTA."
"But writing is on the wall."
"You need to move out, even if it costs you more."
"Get a room in someone else's house or apartment."
"It might take you longer to save, but so be it."
"It's also going to cost your MIL more too because I doubt the others are going to want to cough up the loss of revenue MIL was receiving from you."
"MIL made a choice to buy appliances but that doesn't mean the household should be responsible for paying for it, but what's done is done and there's no going back from that."
"So tell her and the bros that you guys are going to move out and their shares of the 'rent' are going to go up significantly."
"See then if that doesn't change things, but it sounds like MIL has drawn a line in the sand so you need to decide to either pay the 'extra' amounts or move out."- Terminal_Lucridity
"NTA, but your husband should be the one dealing with her."- QueenComfort637
"NTA."
"She told both your husband and Kevin that the appliances were 'her' purchase, not part of the bills, then changed her mind later."
"Something that would raise the monthly bill that much would definitely need family approval if she expects everyone to pay for it."- Designer-Heron-6488
"NTA."
"You have mutually agreed on what expenses are shared and a timeline for living in the family home."
"Any changes in the expenses or timeline need to be discussed and agreed to."
"She bought those appliances because she wanted them, not because she needed them, and expected to bully and manipulate you and her sons into paying for them."
"She is trying to take advantage of you."
"Always get your agreements in writing, especially with family and friends."
"There seems to be a feeling they can abuse these agreements with the 'but we're family' or the 'but we're besties' clauses, and the very unoriginal 'but I'm doing YOU a favor and you should be grateful' clause."
"Stand your ground and be ready to move if this agreement becomes untenable."
"Also, let your husband handle this. It is not your battle with her."- mimka79
"NTA."
"I could understand if an appliance broke and MIL didn't have enough to pay for and asked for help."
"But since she chose to spend this money on her own accord - this should be her own money."-OldBoyShenanigans
"NTA."
"She should have discussed it with everyone before asking everyone to pay for part of it."
"I'm thinking that she has added other upgrades to the monthly bills and then she took it too far because appliances are too expensive to add to the bill without it being noticed."
"They are much more affordable if you are only paying a fifth of the cost, which is likely why she bought them while you are both living there."
"You have two choices, either pay her to keep the peace and live there as long as you planned or move out."
"If you do decide to cave and pay her, be sure to tell her is she has any other improvements you will not be paying."
"That you agreed to your share of monthly bills, not new assets or improvements."-Positive_Comfort1216
"NTA."
"But I'm surprised you wanted to take on that stress."
"Just let your husband handle his family."
"It's his job."- ClassicDouble8786
The logic of the OP's MIL wasn't entirely skewed, as it's not unreasonable to expect everyone to contribute to household items that everyone uses.
The only, very important, thing she failed to take into consideration is that if this is the way things work in a household, then everyone living there should have a say in appliances being purchased.
Had she consulted with her family first, then she might not have found herself out of this money.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp