It’s not uncommon for one household to have a sole breadwinner, who becomes the sole provider as a result.
However, in many households, whether it is made up of family or roommates, there is an understanding that everyone contributes to household expenses.
Where things tend to get somewhat murky, however, is what exactly constitutes a household expense.
Redditor SuggestionBright2238 and her husband moved in with his family after getting married.
The original poster (OP) and her husband’s family all lived with the understanding that everyone contributed equally towards the household.
However, one family member made a purchase assuming that everyone would contribute towards, only to find themself in for a rather rude awakening.
Wondering if she was on the wrong side of this disagreement, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA For telling my Mother-In-Law [MIL] we’re not paying for her appliances?”
The OP explained why their MIL found herself at odds with almost her entire family:
“So I 25 F[emale] live with my husband 25 M[ale] and his family.”
“His family consists of his mother (who i’ll be referring too as MIL) and 2 older brothers (Kevin 30 and Alan 27).”
“For some background, I would consider my husbands family being very close knit, being that they always had movie nights, game nights and dinner together the majority of nights.”
“I also got along well with my MIL before this situation.”
“We recently got married, and decided to move in with my husbands family because we want to save up for a house, while I also finish my education.”
“Of course before making this decision we had sat together as a family and discussed what everyone thought and if everyone agreed.”
“Additionally during this conversation we had specified that we would have a timeline to move out even if it weren’t because we purchased a home.”
‘When I moved in (about 4 months ago) we as a family decided to split every bill equally and that MIL would send a text letting everyone know the total for the month.”
“Well last month MIL decided to purchase some appliances for the home.”
“This wasn’t discussed as a family and most of us didn’t even know until a few days before they arrived.”
“When we found out about this my husband and Kevin both separately spoke to MIL to make sure this was an individual purchase instead of a family one, because none of our appliances were broken/non functional.”
“She in both cases just stated that it was her purchase and left it at that.”
“A month goes by and MIL sends the bill text and Kevin notices that the appliances have been added.”
“He sends a text asking why its on the bill and that this needed to be discussed.”
“MIL only reply to this is ‘since we all use the appliances we should all pay for it’.”
“Since Kevin, my husband and I were home, we have a conversation and decided to send the money excluding the appliance cost.”
“To my knowledge Alan just goes with whatever MIL says and probably sent the full amount.”
“Fast forward a few hours and MIL comes home furious but after some time we all just state that we aren’t going to pay for appliances we didn’t need and had previously clarified we weren’t paying for.”
“I left most of my commentary for my husband to handle so it wouldn’t come off as me trying to attack her, or intrude on her home.”
“However I did clarify at a certain point that it just didn’t sit well with my husband and I that she would just add that to the bill with no previous conversation and never even motioning it.”
“This being amplified because my husband and I trusted her completely and never looked at the breakdown cost she would include with the bills.”
“We would just see the total and send it.”
“She said we’re being unreasonable and that we should be grateful because moving out would be way more expensive.”
“Then after a few days just proceeded to ask my husband when do we plan on moving out and started sending passive aggressive text and rentals showing how expensive everything is.”
“So AITA for basically telling her we’re not paying for her appliances?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not paying for her MIL’s appliances.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s household had a clear set of rules regarding household expenses, and her MIL should not have expected everyone to agree pay for the appliances she bought:
“She tried to retroactively change the deal.”
“You called it out.”
“Now she’s mad it didn’t work.”
“NTA.”- Wooden-Luck1865
“Can you take 25% of the appliances with you when you leave?”
“No?”
“So they are a purchase for the house and doesn’t count as utilities/bills.”
“NTA.”- ooragnak_ume
“NTA.”
“But this arrangement with your MIL isn’t going to work.”
‘You’ll be miserable there, so just go ahead and move out.”- stiletto929
“NTA.”
“Ask her which appliance is yours to take when you move seeing as you’re expected to pay for the new ones.”
“Or are you supposed to cut the appliances in thirds?”
“Sounds ridiculous right?”
“Because it IS!”
“Just because you USE it doesn’t mean you have to pay for it.”- GardenSafe8519
“NTA.”
“But writing is on the wall.”
“You need to move out, even if it costs you more.”
“Get a room in someone else’s house or apartment.”
“It might take you longer to save, but so be it.”
“It’s also going to cost your MIL more too because I doubt the others are going to want to cough up the loss of revenue MIL was receiving from you.”
“MIL made a choice to buy appliances but that doesn’t mean the household should be responsible for paying for it, but what’s done is done and there’s no going back from that.”
“So tell her and the bros that you guys are going to move out and their shares of the ‘rent’ are going to go up significantly.”
“See then if that doesn’t change things, but it sounds like MIL has drawn a line in the sand so you need to decide to either pay the ‘extra’ amounts or move out.”- Terminal_Lucridity
“NTA, but your husband should be the one dealing with her.”- QueenComfort637
“NTA.”
“She told both your husband and Kevin that the appliances were ‘her’ purchase, not part of the bills, then changed her mind later.”
“Something that would raise the monthly bill that much would definitely need family approval if she expects everyone to pay for it.”- Designer-Heron-6488
“NTA.”
“You have mutually agreed on what expenses are shared and a timeline for living in the family home.”
“Any changes in the expenses or timeline need to be discussed and agreed to.”
“She bought those appliances because she wanted them, not because she needed them, and expected to bully and manipulate you and her sons into paying for them.”
“She is trying to take advantage of you.”
“Always get your agreements in writing, especially with family and friends.”
“There seems to be a feeling they can abuse these agreements with the ‘but we’re family’ or the ‘but we’re besties’ clauses, and the very unoriginal ‘but I’m doing YOU a favor and you should be grateful’ clause.”
“Stand your ground and be ready to move if this agreement becomes untenable.”
“Also, let your husband handle this. It is not your battle with her.”- mimka79
“NTA.”
“I could understand if an appliance broke and MIL didn’t have enough to pay for and asked for help.”
“But since she chose to spend this money on her own accord – this should be her own money.”-OldBoyShenanigans
“NTA.”
“She should have discussed it with everyone before asking everyone to pay for part of it.”
“I’m thinking that she has added other upgrades to the monthly bills and then she took it too far because appliances are too expensive to add to the bill without it being noticed.”
“They are much more affordable if you are only paying a fifth of the cost, which is likely why she bought them while you are both living there.”
“You have two choices, either pay her to keep the peace and live there as long as you planned or move out.”
“If you do decide to cave and pay her, be sure to tell her is she has any other improvements you will not be paying.”
“That you agreed to your share of monthly bills, not new assets or improvements.”-Positive_Comfort1216
“NTA.”
“But I’m surprised you wanted to take on that stress.”
“Just let your husband handle his family.”
“It’s his job.”- ClassicDouble8786
The logic of the OP’s MIL wasn’t entirely skewed, as it’s not unreasonable to expect everyone to contribute to household items that everyone uses.
The only, very important, thing she failed to take into consideration is that if this is the way things work in a household, then everyone living there should have a say in appliances being purchased.
Had she consulted with her family first, then she might not have found herself out of this money.