Content Warning: Deceased parents, Grieving Process, Blended Family
When someone's partner passes away, it's understood that part of the healing process might involve moving on and finding love again.
But the person's children might not be able to have the same meaningful connection with a new partner as their parent does, pointed out the users of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor AlfalfaHot6250's husband's stepmother entered his life when he was seven and his sisters were teens, and she never really made a deep enough connection for them to see her as a mother figure.
When the three adults honored their late mother at the groom's wedding instead of involving their stepmother, the Original Poster (OP) had to intervene and keep her stepmother from getting physical.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for kicking my husband's stepmother out of our wedding and telling her she was never his mother?"
The OP's husband and sisters-in-law honored their late mother with a special dance at the OP's wedding.
"My husband and I (both 26) got married a couple of weeks ago."
"During the wedding, my husband's four older sisters (all 10+ years older than him) surprised him with a dance to honor their mom, who died when my husband was very young. He danced with each sister individually before all five of them danced together."
"It was such a beautiful moment and a standout for all the right reasons for my husband and his sisters."
The stepmother-in-law's anger escalated almost to the point of violence.
"But during their dance, their stepmother started kicking up a fuss."
"It started with her trying to storm onto the dance floor and insisting on the dance being with her instead."
"Two of my SILs' husbands were trying to stop her. I went over and tried to calm her down, but she was furious. She was talking about assaulting my SILs for stealing the moment from her."
"I had to ask my SILs' husbands if they would help me get her out because she was going to ruin it for them otherwise."
"She didn't like that and told me she's my husband's mother, and if a mother-son dance was going to happen, it only made sense for her to do it. She called me a b***h for helping them plan this and just kept repeating that she was his mother and I had no right to remove her."
"I told her she was never his mother, and her behavior right now just proved that. Then I alerted security at the venue that we didn't want her to come back in. Which they thankfully listened to."
The OP's husband and sisters were grateful for the OP's help.
"It did cause a small disruption, but my husband and SILs didn't notice it at the time. I did let him know. FIL didn't notice, either. He was in another area, watching his kids dance."
"When I told my husband, he was appreciative of me for stepping in, and his two BILs who helped."
But the feud continued more than a year later.
"His stepmother's fury has not faded, though. She has caused such an upheaval, and my husband and his dad are fighting about it now, too."
"My husband told them I did nothing wrong and only spoke the truth. His stepmother said she has raised him since he was seven, and she has done so much for him, and that the strain from that going unappreciated almost broke them up once already."
"This was a year ago. FIL and his wife separated for six months before working things out. But it did come close to them filing for divorce."
"My husband and SILs were not upset by that thought at all and would have welcomed an end to all contact with their stepmother."
"I have always known that they tolerate the stepmother for their dad's sake. This includes my husband, who was a child when she married his dad while his sisters were teens."
The OP felt guilty, as if she were the cause of all this.
"This does not appear to be blowing over, and I hate that this has strained the relationship my husband has with his dad."
"So I want to ask if I was wrong for my actions and if I went too far? Should I have kicked her out of the wedding and bit my tongue? Should I have kept her away and waited to see if she would calm down?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was right to kick her stepmother-in-law out to protect the special moment.
"He was honoring his mother, and she made it about her."
"If she's known him since he was seven and he didn't take the time to honor her, it shows what type of woman she has been."
"Time to start cutting people off." - WinterFront1431
"You protected a special moment and set a boundary when she crossed the line loudly. Her behavior wasn't just disrespectful. And you did the right thing by standing up for your husband and his family." - NeshaAshik16
"It sounds like it's time for Dad to go bye-bye because he's had decades to correct this and didn't. And he's okay with what she tried to pull. At least the husband got to have his dad at the wedding, though, this is probably soured after the fact, but now it's time to block and move on."
"If it were me, even if he does dump that awful woman, the damage is already done." - lankyturtle229
"NTA. You were able to keep it relatively quiet and not interrupt his moment with his siblings. That should be commended. Take those two BILs out for a thank-you dinner. You guys did well."
"Maybe this will be the catalyst his dad needs to finally leave her or lose his kids. It's fine if her feelings were hurt and she was upset. It's not okay to throw a fit and try to ruin the moment."
"She wouldn't have calmed down. She would have just ruined a special moment for him." - mocha_lattes_
"NTA. For StepMIL to try and interrupt/ruin and make a scene over what your husband's sisters did for their brother, explains a lot as to why StepMIL was not considered for a dance in the first place. She's probably made being 'unappreciated' an overbearing thing quite often since entering the family."
"You were right to do what you did. You protected an amazing moment from coming undone."
"We recently attended the wedding of a friend of our daughter's. When in junior high and most of high school, this girl didn't have a very good relationship with her stepdad and stepmother. It was strained."
"But at the reception, she danced with her father first, then surprised her stepfather. In another surprise, she had her bouquet designed so it could split into two pieces and presented one to her mother and one to her stepmother. Both step parents shed tears with the surprises." - Wild_Billy_61
"Seriously, you were completely right to kick her out, and I'll tell you why. I mean, it's your wedding."
"I have an amazing kitchen, like, seriously, it's the envy of my friends, but that doesn't mean I get to dictate how people act at someone else's party. I know I'll get downvoted for this, but sometimes families are just... difficult."
"I just feel like, the husband deserves to enjoy his day without his stepmother causing a spectacle, and you were correct in protecting that. I'm glad you did what you needed to do, and you should feel proud." - Tremenda-Carucha
Others agreed and thought the stepmother-in-law sounded like a raging toddler.
"NTA. She's a stroppy toddler, and you don't have to put up with her." - QueSiQuiereBolsa
"NTA. She's acting like a tantrum-throwing toddler who just can't handle not being the center of attention. You did exactly what was needed to protect a heartfelt moment." - Square_Mind_8068
"I can just imagine her stomping her feet and whining, 'What about meeeeeeeee?' while stomping her feet." - Longjumping_Hat_2672
"NTA She thinks she is his mother. She thinks he should think the same thing. She's mad because no one else feels the way she does."
"And to say it's anyone's fault but hers and her husband's that their relationship was rocky just proves it. If she felt unappreciated, it's because she put the expectations for her happiness on her kids. The only person responsible for making her happy is herself. She needs to accept her role in her stepkids' lives for what it is and not try to replace their Mom."
"Seven is plenty, only enough to remember a parent who has died. And sisters being older, they will for sure. Stepmom is just jealous that they still love their Mom and she wasn't able to step in and take over like she wanted and expected." - EfficientSociety73
"I think we can all see exactly why the kids loathe her so. She wanted to interrupt a WEDDING because she felt slighted."
"Time to cut off Dad if he involves her in any more of their life events. He failed massively. It was HIS JOB as spouse, and the person responsible for her even being there, to get her the h**l out of the room. Grab her arm and haul her out. Period."
"OP should never have had to do a d**n thing. If this is really recent, OP, you will want to post online what she did or at least have it typed up and ready to go. Heck, post this link. She'll spread woe-is-me lies and start s**t up, if she was already willing to start it up at a WEDDING." - maroongrad
The subReddit unanimously applauded the OP for stepping in when she did and graciously removed her stepmother-in-law, even when she did not want to cooperate, so that her new husband and sisters could share in the special moment to remember their mother.
It's reasonable that the stepmother would want to be recognized in some way and to feel connected to the family, but forcing her way in and causing a scene was only a recipe for driving people away.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.