I am an avid tabletop gamer.
I love sitting down with my friends and telling a story together, rolling some dice, and letting the stress of the world melt away into a quest to save the city.
As any tabletop gamer will tell you, the largest hurdle isn't finding the friends but rather finding the time.
Scheduling a time for all of us to be together can be challenging, even with my small group of four.
We compromise, and we work hard to spend that time together because it's valuable, and that value is worth the trouble.
So what happens when the schedule is difficult, and someone involved refuses to bend?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Extension-Marzipan86 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for my husband missing his daughter's prom?"
First, introductions.
"I (36) female, have been married to my husband Josh, (40) for 10 years. We have a 9-year-old daughter Lauren together, and my stepdaughter Riley is 18."
Then OP explained the problem.
"About a year ago I booked a vacation with my girlfriends for one of their bachelorette parties. It's this weekend in Tennessee."
"We leave Thursday and come back Monday."
"This weekend, Lauren has a cheerleading competition that Josh is taking her to."
"Lauren is required to have a guardian there the whole time, and she needs to arrive early Friday and leave Sunday."
"We did ask the cheer director if a friend's mom could bring her, and my husband could meet her there after but they said no."
"And if she's not there for the check-in time, she can't compete that weekend."
The overbooking continues.
"Riley's prom is Friday."
"Riley did not have a junior prom and her school only has senior prom."
"We found out the date of prom after school started and the trip had already been booked and paid for."
"My husband is now going to be missing Riley's prom to take Lauren to her competition."
"Riley thinks this is extremely unfair and that we're playing favorites since she'll never get this chance again and she wants pictures with her dad and sister."
"She's been messaging my husband about it."
"Lauren doesn't want to miss her competition and risk her spot on her team."
"My husband asked if I'd cancel my trip, and I told him no."
"The trip has been booked, paid for, and I also need a break. He takes breaks and trips as well."
"My husband and I are now fighting because he feels like no matter what he does, he's stuck. He's already told Lauren he'll be taking her to the cheer comp, which means he'll be missing prom."
In the end, OP was left to wonder,
"So AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NAH
Commenters found an unexpected A**hole.
"Nah."
"Whomever is organizing the cheerleader competition is the a**hole."
"There is no reason they should restrict another member of the family from bringing her or simply allowing her to go with another parent and a permission slip." ~ BrewertonFats
"I don't think it has anything to do with the competition itself but the coach/team. But yes, they are the AH." ~ sumerquen
There was also confusion about what the actual issue was.
"Wait."
"Why are adults involved in prom?" ~ MadTownMich
"They aren't."
"OP's step-daughter wants them all to cancel their plans so they can spend 10 minutes taking photos with her before she goes out and enjoys the night with her friends and classmates."
"The more I think about it, the more ridiculous and selfish the request/expectation is." ~ GhostParty21
"Everyone saying this is gonna cause long-lasting resentment, and it's super important for dad to be there... I do not get it."
"I don't have any pictures with my dad from before my prom. Why would I?"
"I have pictures with my date and my friends."
"I'm pretty sure my mom took the photos, and I honestly can't remember if my dad was there or not - he might have been working."
"This sub is so weird sometimes." ~ NecessaryClothes9076
"Yeah I was getting annoyed at the stepmom until I just read your comment, and it really sunk in for me what the stepdaughter is asking her father."
"It is literally, at max, an hour of time spent together doing photos and organizing things and sh*t like that. Then she will be gone and with friends doing whatever."
"It's actually really dumb the more I think about it because while dad can't be there, he could easily video call in and still be present."
"Whereas the cheerleading one is actually a full-on commitment, and it wouldn't just be letting the daughter down but her teammates and stuff as well."
"Yeah, the stepdaughter here is just being bratty, honestly." ~ MasterPlanPenguin
"We all know who the favorite is." ~ noodlesaintpasta
"Prom is clearly important to Riley."
"She wouldn't get to take photos with her sister whatever happened - Lauren has a cheerleading competition, so she'd be out of town regardless of whether you were available or not."
"So Riley's desire to have photos with her sister is never going to happen - prom is important to Riley, but not to Lauren, and it would be absurd for Lauren to miss her competition just to have her photo taken next to Riley in a prom dress."
"The truth is, Lauren can't do her competition without a parent. Riley doesn't need her hand holding to go to prom."
"Probably the best plan is for the husband to go to cheerleading with Lauren and have him and Lauren take formal photos with Riley when they're all available."
"Are you an AH for booking a bachelorette party for May in your step-daughter's senior year? Probably not."
"NTA" ~ _mmiggs_
Some commenters thought there might be deeper issues.
"Also, YTA, as is your husband."
"Prom happens once. Your 9-year-old has plenty of cheerleading competitions."
"The focus should be the once-in-a-lifetime deal. No wonder your stepdaughter is totally pissed. Do better"
"ETA:"
"I'm a divorce attorney and former therapist."
"I know and deal with these dynamics on the daily."
"Riley is obviously upset, or the stepmom would not have posted."
"Note that Riley appears to have gone through her parent's divorce at about the same age as her stepsister is now— maybe a bit younger."
"Many communities and cultures have a significant tradition of parental involvement in prom, even if it is 'just' photos."
"If anyone thinks this is the first time Riley felt replaced or cast aside by dad and stepmom, you're not living in reality."
"It's not the actual act of the photos and prom that is the issue. It is the symbolism and very real pain of an 18-year-old girl." ~ MadTownMich
Then there was just the logic of the situation.
"NTA."
"I understand that prom only happens once (maybe twice, depending on if juniors are invited to prom)."
"However, a competitive cheer competition is not something that you can decide to not participate in."
"Routines have been made with the expectation of that athlete being present. Restrictions may make finding a replacement athlete on short notice difficult (if not impossible)."
"And if this is the competition I think they're talking about, it's likely out of state for OP and is a BIG deal to those athletes."
"That's why the coach requires a parent to attend."
"Taking athletes out of state and to compete in a dangerous sport necessitates some policies be put in place. The parent requirement is one they've deemed necessary."
"The trip was scheduled and out of your hands, OP, as were the competition & prom dates."
"Things don't always work out the way we want them to but doing what makes the most sense logistically does not necessarily make you T A."
"I empathize with Riley, but that doesn't mean her request is exactly fair." ~ mikxed-emotions
OP did return to provide further information.
"Update:"
"I have decided to stand my ground that I will not be canceling my trip. I will be getting on the plane in the morning."
"Josh just sat down with me, Riley, and Lauren to talk about the weekend."
"He explained he'll be taking Lauren to her competition while Riley's mother takes pictures with her at prom."
"He said he taught the girls about commitment, and he's not going to have Lauren's absence have the team Forfeit."
"He told her we could do pictures if she wanted to put her dress on a second time, but she said it won't be the same, and she's upset."
"Riley is upset with her father and thinks he's favoring Lauren."
"My husband just called me, and he decided to leave with Lauren to the cheer competitions after breakfast so that they could have lunch and relax before meeting up with her team."
"They are officially safe at the hotel for the competition."
"Thank you for all the support we've received and even for the negative comments."
Whether it's a dance or a game, or a walk in the park, spending time with each other and reforging those fragile connections can be extremely beneficial - but also extremely difficult to coordinate.
The value in those compromises, though, cannot be overstated.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.