Growing up has many challenges.
School is hard.
Parents can be difficult.
And home life can be stressful.
Hopefully, there is always a way to make it all better by talking it out.
Redditor BroccoliLoud3538 to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"WIBTA if I asked my mom to put a diaper on my sister?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My 14 F[emale] family just moved into a new house, we are still getting settled in, and we only have two beds right now, so me and my little sister 7 F are sharing one in my room."
"But there's a problem, my little sister wets the bed every night, and it's really annoying having to wake up in her pee every morning, and my room is starting to smell really bad."
"I know it's not her fault, she's just doing it while asleep and doesn't mean to annoy me, but it's still really annoying waking up to find out I got peed on every morning."
"I wanna ask my mom to put her in diapers at night so she doesn't pee on me anymore, but I'm worried that would be an AH thing for me to do because I'm the reason we had to move."
"I'm gonna start high school in the fall, and our neighborhood high school, which I would've gone to, is a really bad school."
"My parents say the teachers are bad, and kids get bullied, and there are drug dealers all over the school."
"We had to move to get me into a much better school."
"If I tried to ask my mom for a favor right now, I think it would be mean cuz she and my dad have already done so much for me."
"And they're both kinda stressed out right now cuz of the move and stuff, and I don't wanna be a jerk and add to that."
The OP was left to wonder:
"WIBTA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. She should be wearing something at night to prevent soaking the bed and sheets each night, and it's unfair to make you wake up covered in her urine each night."
"I'd honestly ask if she can sleep with your parents instead if they're not willing to deal with this."
"I'm sorry."
"And it's not your fault they moved."
"You don't control the school districts."
"Don't take that on."
"Edited to note that I've removed my note about 7 being too old for nightly bedwetting."
"Many have pointed out this isn't particularly concerning, especially with a move and changes, and this is still an age where it's perfectly normal."
"I'm happy to be corrected about this." ~ FrontTour1583
"Agree with all of this, except it's not actually that uncommon to still be wetting the bed at 7."
"As long as they have told her doctor, it's probably fine."
"Some people just sleep more deeply than others."
"Some kids don't develop nighttime bladder until over, even up to puberty, without it being a sign or anything being wrong." ~ Kylynara
"Sounds like she still needs pull-ups."
"Also, a waterproof mattress protector."
"And bedwetters shouldn't be sharing a bed with others until it's under control."
"Are you guys limiting her fluid intake before bed?"
"That can also help." ~ Stefie25
"NTA. There are nighttime pants /diapers for children her age who have yet to develop bladder control, and having to sleep in her urine is disgusting for both of you!"
"One word of caution, let your sister know it's her bladder that has a problem, and you don't blame her. I'm sure she is embarrassed enough." ~ Maddie215
"NTA. It isn't your fault you had to move."
"Your parents made the decision that you need a safer school."
"That is their job and their responsibility as your parents."
"Your sister sounds like a doctor visit would be appropriate to make sure there isn't something wrong, since she is still wetting the bed."
"You would not be in the wrong for asking your parents to have her wear pull-ups while you are sharing a bed."
"It is not unreasonable to not want to wake up in a puddle of someone else's pee every morning." ~ Donutsmell
"NTA. If a seven-year-old cannot get through the night without wetting their bed, it's time for the parents to consult with the child's doctor and determine what might be going on."
"This is an issue for your parents and sister to deal with." ~ Individual_Ad_9213
"NTA. You're a teenager in high school, and you already deserve privacy, let alone to sleep without being soaked in urine."
"I'm not sure if finances have anything to do with your situation, but an air mattress is 20 or 30 bucks at Walmart and would solve this problem in a way that might be easier to bring up to your mom." ~ _muses
"There is a device you can purchase online."
"It's an alarm you wear on your arm that connects to a pad in your pajamas/underwear."
"When the user pees the alarm goes off and wakes the user."
"After a few weeks, she will learn to wake up to pee.
"My daughter used it and it works." ~ Wrench-Turnbolt
"NTA. While I'm sure that your parents are stressed."
"Having to clean it up and do laundry all the time is just as stressful."
"I'm sure they are reluctant due to her age, but it's a problem that they will need to address." ~ Reasonable_Mark_8524
"NTA, your sister is in need of help, as most kids only rarely do by 5-6, so every night by 7 is way too much."
"And second, that is unhealthy for you and her."
"Sit them down and have a serious conversation, as even though it might be hard, advise a pull-up or similar for immediate relief and tell your parents that she needs to go to a doctor for a long-term resolution."
"Good luck, kiddo."
"14 can be hard, but you got this!" ~ Magick-Panda
"NTA: Have a calm conversation with your mom when it is just the two of you."
"Explain what is happening, and that it is a problem for you and your sister - she must be embarrassed by this."
"Hopefully, your mother is empathetic enough to do something about this." ~ booksiwabttoread
"Oh, sweet girl!!!!"
"First, I want to say, don't put the pressure and guilt onto yourself that 'you're the reason you had to move.'"
"Maybe that was the deciding factor, but moving to a better school district is for everyone's sake, I promise."
"Your sister will go to high school one day."
"Your parents would suffer if they saw you being bullied or falling behind at your other school."
"Do not carry that weight!!"
"Second, you would be well within your rights to tell your mom and dad what's going on."
"They are still the parents, not you."
"If your sister were sleeping alone, they would still need to do something about it."
"The fact that you're sharing a bed and it's directly affecting you daily, you should absolutely say something."
"Don't embarrass or tease little sister about it."
"But they should be able to get her some nighttime pull-ups and a mattress protector, and that should solve a lot of issues." ~ Substantial-Hat128
"NTA: My daughter had issues wetting the bed until she was in the 8th grade due to a bladder issue, and she was a really heavy sleeper."
"Ask mom if your sister can wear pull-ups at night until she stops peeing in your bed because you don't like waking up to urine, and your room is starting to smell like a urinal."
"If mom says no, then ask mom if sister can sleep in her and dad's bed and pee there at night instead." ~ AlohaTutu60
"You don't need the stress and lack of sleep; your sister doesn't need the embarrassment."
"It needs to be addressed, although diapers may not be the best solution."
"A doctor visit may be helpful, and a waterproof pad would definitely be a good idea. NAH." ~ EtherPhreak
"NTA. As others have said, your sister is a bit too old to be wetting the bed every night, and it would be a good idea to have a doctor check out her situation."
"But, finances are tight right now for a lot of people, so spending money on diapers or doctors may not be an option for your parents right now."
"That said, you still deserve a dry, pee-free place to sleep."
"As an alternative, maybe ask your parents for an air mattress that you or your sister could sleep on separately."
"A twin-size one at Walmart can be bought for around $20."
"You can probably find them even cheaper elsewhere online." ~ Mrs_Dafthart
"NTA. This is a practical solution to a real problem."
"You are being considerate by recognizing that your parents are stressed."
"Bedwetting at 7 isn't uncommon for kids during stressful times."
"An overnight pull-up would probably be good for everyone." ~ xstargirlcutie
OP came back to chat...
"Okay, everyone, I wanna say thanks so much for helping me understand it's not my fault we moved."
"I know my parents did it cuz they want what's best for me, and I was feeling guilty about that, but I shouldn't."
"I know it's a good thing and my sister will get to go to a better high school to cuz if it. "
"Just wanna say thanks to everyone who said it wasn't my fault, cuz you all really helped me."
"I'm gonna ask my parents about getting some pull-ups for my sister."
"Someone talked about things called goodnights, and I think they would be great for my sister to wear."
Reddit feels for you, OP.
This is a difficult situation.
It sounds like you got some great help through Reddit.
Be strong, stand up for yourself.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp