Having different sexualities in a marriage can be a lot of fun and beautiful.
But everyone has to be on the same page.
And if there is confusion, you have to be able to calmly speak about it.
Otherwise it leads to trouble.
Case in point...
Redditor Kejryehe wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to go to a pride event with my wife?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (30 M[ale]) am married to a bisexual woman (28 F[emale])."
"I'll preface by saying that I am in now way homophobic or bigoted."
"I've never had a problem with my wife's identity itself."
"The thing is, she is very vocal and showy about it."
"She has a lot of pride things and clothes and whatnot."
"Sometimes she just wears rainbow stuff instead of bisexual colors too."
"So there's been incidents when people think she's just gay and don't realize I'm her husband."
"It honestly gets a little exhausting."
"She says that she doesn't like it when people assume she's straight just because she married a man."
"And doesn't want a big part of her identity that she's struggled with to be erased."
"Still it feels like she's almost ashamed of me."
"There's a big end of summer pride thing."
"It's also to raise money for LGBTQIA kids and whatnot."
"I have no problem with her going but she wants me to come with."
"Says that it's really important to her and she even got me an ally t-shirt."
"I told her no because it's not my thing and she got upset."
"She said that she doesn't feel like I'm supportive of her identity."
"And I replied that maybe she needs to focus less on her identity and more on her current relationship."
"She's been very icy with me since."
"I get that I probably was a bit mean but still."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP WAS the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"If she was ashamed of you, she wouldn't be asking you to come with."
"If anything it sounds like YOU'RE ashamed of HER and want her to bury her identity away."
"Support your wife. YTA." ~ barbaramillicent
"THIS. If anything, her identity gives her a broader dating pool yet out of all the available men and women she could've picked, she still chose to be with and marry OP."
"That's the literal opposite of being ashamed of him."
"OP, don't make her regret that choice!" ~ redcore4
"Yeah. Bi erasure is a big thing."
"She is fighting it by showing her colors and her husband."
"OP YTA... u might have some hidden biases ur not aware of. Or just ignorance."
"Do u know bis face discrimination from gays and hets?"
"Support her and the cause unless u don't think it's a good cause." ~ FrogMintTea
"Agreed. As a bi person in a hetero relationship I have seen/been watching that part of my identity disappear over my relationship."
"I have even been jokingly called the 'token straight.'"
"Pre marriage I was asked in a gay bar if I was "gay, straight or confused.'"
"My response: 'I'm not gay. I'm not straight. And I'm definitely NOT confused.'"
"Bi-erasure is a thing and can be hurtful."
"If OP truly embraces his wife's identity he would show up for her."
"ETA: My dad, weirdly enough, is pretty much the only person in my life that acknowledges it and I never told him."
"Not sure who did..." ~ whatevasasquatch
"100%. She is not ashamed and this is not about being in a woman/woman relationship; it is about her identity as a bi person."
"If she's anything like most other bi or pan people, she has been gaslit and at least was in denial about being bi/pan for the majority of her life and she is embracing it now."
"A supportive partner would be happy for their SO."
"OP is not supportive and either needs to see that this is also an important part of her and be happy to see her happy or maybe OP shouldn't be married to her." ~ athenceptus
"I will back this up. My husband knows I am Bi."
"But I have only recently come out to the world. He fully supports me."
"It was my birthday yesterday and he bought me a pride star trek pin."
"He challenges me to create my own identity and do things I like."
"He comes with me to things I enjoy and I do the same for him."
"This is what a relationship is.'
"It is supporting each other's interests and identity even if they do not match yours. YTA." ~ Nanabug13
"She literally invited you to a very public event as her spouse and ally."
"This is who she is. This is the woman you married."
"Yes, you should go with her and YTA."
"If you are feeling unappreciated or left out of this relationship, maybe some couples counseling is in order." ~ Maxwyfe
"YTA. Just from what you mentioned, I can tell you clearly aren't supportive of her identity."
"You sound irked by her being proud of her identity."
"Her being validly upset about bi erasure has nothing to do with you and it's nothing for you to feel ashamed about."
"It's about other people invalidating her and being biphobic to her."
"It doesn't have to be part of your identity."
"Many straight people go to parades to support their loved ones in the LGBT community."
"Your comment about her needing to focus less on her identity was such an AH comment."
"You are clearly threatened by her identity."
"And feel that it affects your relationship when really, the truth here is that you are biphobic and don't realize it." ~ AssociationIll3926
"As a bi woman married to a man, this is the correct answer."
"See, my husband actually is supportive of my identity and doesn't really care how people outside of our relationship view our relationship."
"I already face erasure from all other corners."
"I'd be upset if I had to deal with it in my own home, too." ~ SJ_Barbarian
"YTA. Look, go to Pride, don't go to Pride, whatever, but the comment about focusing less on her identity and more on her current relationship was mean."
"Your wife is trying to represent for her experience of being bi, which includes marrying a man, without passing herself off as straight."
"This is a thing that's important to a lot of bisexual women."
"She's being very honest."
"And she is making efforts to recognize the importance of your relationship both privately and in her community."
"It would be fine if you just didn't want to go, but you telling her to put her identity down is going to wreck so much." ~ eaca02124
"I'm a bisexual woman married to a straight man."
"We very much still belong!"
"Unlike the OP though, my husband is a wonderful ally and doesn't care how much rainbow/bi stuff I have."
"When we had our daughter I bought a pride baby carrier."
"He wears it more than I do!"
"I said one day 'people probably assume you're gay' and he rolled his eyes at me."
"He does not care what people think!"
"I'm so blessed to have such a supportive husband and he's a big reason why I feel as comfortable in my skin as I do."
"I wish everyone in the community could find good, supportive spouses!" ~ specialkk77
"Soft YTA but I understand your point."
"And no I don't believe you are homophobic but I believe you are tired of feeling like she 'settled' for you or that she's ashamed."
"It's important to her, and she got you an ally t-shirt so it's not like you will be pretending to be something you aren't."
"I'm assuming she was like this when she married you so you kind of knew what you were getting into."
"Plus it's a good charity event."
"Put on a brave face and be there for her but absolutely communicate to her that sometimes her actions effect your self esteem." ~ lividsloth14
"Soft YTA. She's free to invite you, you're free to decline the invitation."
"Once you said that she should focus more on your relationship and less on her identify is where you have (unknowingly I'm guessing) f**ked up."
"That felt like you were making her 'choose one' between you or her sexuality."
"And we don't need to point out how old of a saying "choose one" is to bisexuals."
"It's okay to not want to go, but this is a conversation to have with your wife about expectations."
"There's a lot of comphet (compulsive heterosexuality) in the bisexual community and we're all aware of it."
"But she may be feeling the need to overcompensate from internalized feelings of 'not being bi enough' so in comes the rainbow suit, the ally shirt, the merch, the decorations, etc."
"INFO: Have you told her that it feels like she's ashamed of you?"
"What exactly does she do that makes you feel like she's ashamed of you?" ~ Glock0Clock
Well OP... sounds like there is deep soul searching and hard conversations in your future.
Being in a relationship means accepting one another completely.
If you can't do that, you may need to take a different path.
Good luck.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.