Grief can have unexpected effects on people, and sometimes, they’ll behave in ways that no one else saw coming.
But while grief comes in all shapes and sizes, one person’s grieving process mustn’t impact someone else’s life, stressed the people in the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Temporary-Truth-1969’s father had passed away two years prior, and her mother began dating about a year after that. While she was happy for her, she was not happy to hear of her mother’s intimate activities with her new partner.
When her mother accused her of not being happy for her because of complaining about the noise, the Original Poster (OP) and her brother weren’t sure what to do about it.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my mom she can’t share a room or a bed with her boyfriend in my home?”
The OP stopped visiting her mother when her mother wasn’t welcoming to her boyfriend.
“When I (27 Female) was in college, I met my boyfriend, and we moved in together, sharing a place with some friends, after dating for a year.”
“I was 19 when we met and 20 when we moved in together.”
“We decided from that point onward to take turns spending Christmas with our families. But the first year we were supposed to see mine, my mom made it clear my boyfriend could not stay and that we weren’t sharing a room or a bed in her house.”
“My dad argued in favor of letting it happen since I was an adult and living with him already, but my mom said no.”
“She hated that I wouldn’t stay at their house then and instead booked an AirBnB.”
“She said I should respect the rules of her house and I told her I was, but I didn’t want to tell my boyfriend to be alone on the holidays, especially when his family had welcomed us together happily.”
“After that, I made it clear there would be no coming to visit like that if I couldn’t sleep with my boyfriend.”
“My mom said it wasn’t like we were married so she had every right to keep that rule.”
But the OP’s mother justified sleeping with her own boyfriend.
“Two years ago, my dad died, and for 11 months, my mom has been in a relationship with her boyfriend. They don’t live together exactly but according to my brother, he was there most nights while he was still living there.”
“My mom and brother aren’t really talking right now. My brother could hear our mom and her boyfriend in bed every night, and he hated it, so he moved out. He’s also 22 and had wanted to move out, but it gave him the push to move sooner.”
“My mom was furious and demanded to know why he was leaving out of nowhere, and she freaked when my brother told her he was tired of hearing their activities.”
“Our mom started off on him for not being happy for her that she found someone again after our dad died. She told him it was a very bad reason/excuse to move out and that we should be happy for her.”
“My brother told her being happy for her was different than hearing her go at it with someone.”
“She told him that was proof he wasn’t happy for her.”
“She acted like my brother told her to stay single forever when he said he was moving out because he didn’t want to hear them. Maybe that’s how she’s taking it but it’s so reasonable of him to not want to hear that. Her whole reaction to it was so weird and just gross.”
“I don’t know how to take it honestly. It’s why it feels like some weird and twisted part of her wants us to hear.”
“The other thing is she never even tried to deny they were loud. She just acted like not wanting to hear it meant he was unsupportive.”
When she tried to visit the OP’s house, the OP enforced the same rules for the bedroom.
“My mom seems to be missing my brother being around, and she told me she misses having her kids around her, so she wanted to visit for a week or two soon.”
“She wanted to bring her boyfriend along, and I told her she can’t share a room or a bed with him in my home. I told her I do not want to hear that.”
“She got mad at me and said she’s a grown woman and should be allowed her freedom.”
“I told her she was alright denying it to me, and I wasn’t even planning to have sex in her house.”
“But it sounded like she doesn’t care if we hear or not, and I’m not dealing with it. I also told her I wasn’t going to reward her with sharing with her boyfriend when she has been so strict with me about it.”
“My mom accused me of acting like a petty child.”
“I’m not telling her how to live her life. I’m just making rules for what can and cannot happen in my house. She can pay for an AirBnB just like I did if she can’t go a few days without.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought it sounded like the OP’s mother was forcing her kids to move on by hearing her.
“NTA, OP.”
“Seriously though, why would she want to bring her boyfriend over to her daughter’s house, knowing well the daughter is not even over the dad’s death yet?”
“And she didn’t even care about the son hearing them having sex at home, which was the reason why he moved out.” – Humanserikla
“Grief manifests in all kinds of ways, and some people get super weird about this kind of thing.”
“My mother suggested that I didn’t want her to be happy (even though I encouraged her to start dating again) because I was uncomfortable as a 15-year-old with having a strange man in my house ALL OF A SUDDEN EVERY DAY. I wasn’t mad or anything; I just told her it made me a little uncomfortable, and she went off on me.”
“I was happy for her. I just wasn’t totally ready, and she wasn’t ready to be patient with me.” – ScreamingWaffle
“NTA, OP. I wish parents understood that even if their new partner is amazing and lovely, your kids still lose the whole idea of the family home. Now there’s some other adult there all the time and you’re never quite as comfortable as you were before.” – Strange_Depth_5732
“Does that mean she wants to hear you have sex? Or her mother/father/elderly relative? Because I’m petty. I’d call a great aunt and have her ask to stay with my mom with her new beau and make sure they fake sex noises even if it’s not real.”
“This screams of extreme emotional immaturity, and it’s so disgusting, it’s giving me chills.”
“If it were me, I’d AT LEAST put your mom in a lengthy timeout of no contact. No texts, no calls, no visits, for six months while the relationship calms down. Maybe they’re just in that can’t-keep-their-hands-off-of-each-other part of the relationship, and maybe she’s overcompensating in her first relationship since her marriage, and if either of those are true, things should calm down in six months.”
“But if she’s still acting like this after that and is still this inconsiderate to you and your brother, she can just have her man and be happy with that.” – YellowBrownClasses
“Your mom has her boyfriend over nearly every night and is apparently quite loud and can be heard clearly, so why would she miss having her kids around?”
“Sounds to me like she wants free holiday accommodation for two, not quality time with her kids.”
“NTA. Your house, your rules.” – No_cockroach
Others agreed and reassured the OP that setting her own rules was only fair.
“Your house, your rules. If she doesn’t like it, she can rent an AirBnB.” – Majestic_Daikon_1494
“NTA. The saying is, ‘What goes around comes around.'”
“Your mom thinks it’s, ‘One rule for thee and another for me.'” – Blue_Green_1956
“My mom visited on a spur-of-the-moment trip. I had to work through it, and I worked the night shift at the time. She kept waking me up with banging pots and pans, and I lost my s**t.”
“I told her I can’t even count the number of times she came unglued on me as a small child for shutting a door too hard while she took an afternoon nap or something. I got beat for f**king having a sneezing attack. She got all blubbery when I told her I oughta see how she’d like that.”
“It’s just a couple of days without sex. Your mom needs to think about her priorities.” – ElmoCamino
“My mom was staying here and complained it was cold. I told her to ‘put on extra clothes.'”
“I remember being so cold at night as a kid, it was difficult to fall asleep. It wasn’t that we didn’t have the money to turn up the heat; my parents just were and are cheap.”
“Now when my mom visits, every time she asks to turn up the heat, I die a little. NTA.” – DBgirl83
“I legit have been no contact with my dad for years. A good chunk of it is for his hypocrisy in all things.”
“Growing up, it was ‘my house my rules,’ but then whenever he came to visit me at my place, he tried to basically pull his version of ‘your house, my rules’ shenanigans. No thanks. Stay at your home, then.” – boycey10802002
The subReddit was disgusted by the OP’s mother’s behavior and lack of consideration for her children. It was perfectly okay for her to move on after her late husband, to have a new relationship, and to enjoy everything that relationship had to offer.
But forcing her children to hear what they were doing was disrespectful to their father’s memory, not to mention a lack of consent from the OP and her brother to hear that.
If the mother really wanted to visit, she needed to respect that the OP had house rules just like she had for her own, but more importantly, she needed to respect that sometimes certain things are better left between partners.