As beautiful as parenthood and growing a family can be, not everyone's meant to be a parent.
Unfortunately, when a parent figures that out too late, it's the child who suffers, judged the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Teenager and Redditor PmoresBanndo was close to her mother but not her father, who blew up his marriage when he had an affair and went on to have children with his affair partner.
But when he showed a similar lack of commitment to those children, the Original Poster (OP) was angry when her family pushed her to unite with her affair half-siblings so they'd have someone to lean on.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH because I don't want to meet or have a relationship with my father's affair child?"
The OP's life changed because of her father's affair.
"My (19 Female) parents divorced four years ago after my father's affair went public."
"I already didn't have a good relationship with my dad. He was never super involved, he made minimal to no effort to be there for me, he was grumpy whenever I tried to get closer to him or bond with him, and he never showed an interest in anything related to me."
"The only times we spent together were when my mom pulled something together, and he was emotionally very distant still."
"He didn't fight for me in the divorce, and I didn't ask to see him."
"Around a week after we found out my father had been cheating, we found out his affair partner was around four months pregnant with his child."
The OP did not want a relationship with her dad's other child.
"I still have a relationship with and spend time with my paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, and great aunts and uncles. The only thing is I don't go to family parties or celebrations because I don't want to see my father or his affair partner, and now I also don't want to see their child."
"This is a sore topic for my paternal family. I have an aunt, uncle, and cousins on my side who understand and don't expect me to fight for some kind of relationship with this kid."
"But my other aunts and uncles and my grandparents are all super upset that I won't set aside my issues with my father and be a sister to his child and his next child on the way, and I only found out a week ago that my father and his affair partner are expecting again."
The OP's family pushed her to connect with her half-sibling.
"They told me the child is innocent and she would benefit from having a big sister in her life. They used the argument that we could be each other's support when she gets older, and how my father is showing a similar disinterest in her as he did in me, and we could bond over having a s**tty father."
"When I said I didn't want to do that and I don't love this child, they told me I must feel some love because we're siblings, but I said no."
"I said I would be happy to never have anything to do with her and her sibling on the way. I said it doesn't matter if my father's as bad of a father to them or not."
"They keep telling me to at least meet her and see if I feel something. They told me I should be old enough to be kind even if I feel nothing. They think I should be better than my father was and connect, but I don't think it's comparable, because he chose to be a father to someone else; I didn't choose for him to have more kids for me to be related to in some way."
The OP remained insistent.
"My mom supports me 100 percent on this topic, too. I know she might be biased in favor of me not forming the relationship, but she'd support me if I wanted one too. Only I don't."
"And I don't see that changing ever because I don't imagine wanting a relationship with someone who really don't hold a valued connection to me, because I don't value my father."
"And I won't ever have a relationship with him because even if 20 years from now he became a very different person he would never be able to make up for all the years of disinterest."
""Does it make me the a**hole that I refuse to meet or have a relationship with his kid, though?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was her father's responsibility to connect, making her NTA.
"YOU were innocent and would have benefited from a FATHER in your life... Or have they forgotten that?!"
"Where was this pressure to your sperm donor when he was washing his hands of you? F**k them. NTA." - lun4d0r4
"HE is the parent in this scenario. He is responsible for destroying your life, abandoning you, not fostering a relationship between you and his other kids, AND being a complete and utter entitled twatt."
"As is everyone else who is telling you to get over it. This is the consequence of HIS actions. You are NOT obligated to anything because of his choices." - JoyfulSong246
"Like you said before, you are the child in the relationship to your father. It's not your job as the child to pick up the slack from your father. They are guilting the wrong person."
"Keep strong. You are not the AH." - Lucky_Respect5496
"I don't see what their problem is. You still see them, you choose not to go if dip s**t is there, and this avoids a scene... What is wrong with these people?"
"That's a LOT of effort for people who are being s**tty to you." - lun4d0r4
"So they're all happy to harass you into fixing this child, but none of them have thought about intervening with your father and getting him to sort himself out. The fact that he had no interest in you and now is doing the same to another child doesn't concern them?" - Difficult_Jury_7455
Others encouraged the OP to continue to hold her boundaries.
"What you need to do is start shutting them down."
"First of all, the affair partner was stupid to get pregnant again. She lives with him, so she had to see that he was not interested in the first child, so she got pregnant again?! Aside from the fact that she was with him, knowing he had a family."
"When they start bringing this up and guilt-tripping you, say this matter is no longer open for discussion. That's it. No arguments and no more explanation because they will keep on."
"Repeat each time. This is no longer open for discussion. They keep up, you leave, or if they keep talking on the phone, hang up. Do it every time until it stops." - mcmurrml
"It honestly sounds to me like they are less looking for someone to be there for the new kids and more they are looking for someone to be free child care as you are the age of being able to responsibly babysit."
"I get the feeling that the members of your sperm donor's family that are pushing for you to have a relationship with the kids are the current go to babysitters and they are trying to find someone else to pawn it off on."
"Don't give in keep your boundaries. He was never your father and thus his new kids are not your siblings any more than kids born from a sperm bank are siblings." - Significant_Buy_89
"NTA. You get to decide what relationship, if any, you have with your dad, his wife, and their child. If you don't want one, that's up to you, and it's okay."
"You weren't given a choice before your father broke up your family and had a child with his affair partner. You do have a say in these relationships." - Vandreeson
"The kid's innocent. Well... so are you."
"Tell them all to redirect their effort towards your father, by telling him not to be a sh*tty father, instead of pushing you to make up for his s**tty ways."
"If he's treating the kid the same way he treated you, he's probably right on track to go off with yet another family soon. Not your problem. You are not an emotional orphanage for all the kids he makes and neglects."
"NTA." - Special_Lychee_6847
"NTA. You were an innocent child that your dad didn't care about, and the very people lecturing you 'to be the bigger person' are the ones who raised him and failed to call him out on his neglect."
"Thank them for acknowledging he was a poor parent and ask them to speak to him about the problems they see that he's causing his children."
"Then politely decline to devalue your own peace in experiencing his neglect through others."
"You have a great mom. Stick together." - eagerreader007
"Amongst other things: I understand why this may be a good idea for these kids. Everyone knows what your dad is... But it's really unclear why it's a good idea for you."
"And there's nothing wrong with flatly saying it that way. Bluntly, if necessary. 'Him running around doesn't create obligations for me. And if you push me on this, you're choosing never to see me again.'" - xasdfxx
The subReddit applauded the OP for understanding that her family was expecting far more of her than they should and that they expected her to fix problems she did not create.
If they really wanted their family to come together, they needed to refer to the source, not pester an innocent child.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp