As beautiful as parenthood and growing a family can be, not everyone’s meant to be a parent.
Unfortunately, when a parent figures that out too late, it’s the child who suffers, judged the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Teenager and Redditor PmoresBanndo was close to her mother but not her father, who blew up his marriage when he had an affair and went on to have children with his affair partner.
But when he showed a similar lack of commitment to those children, the Original Poster (OP) was angry when her family pushed her to unite with her affair half-siblings so they’d have someone to lean on.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH because I don’t want to meet or have a relationship with my father’s affair child?”
The OP’s life changed because of her father’s affair.
“My (19 Female) parents divorced four years ago after my father’s affair went public.”
“I already didn’t have a good relationship with my dad. He was never super involved, he made minimal to no effort to be there for me, he was grumpy whenever I tried to get closer to him or bond with him, and he never showed an interest in anything related to me.”
“The only times we spent together were when my mom pulled something together, and he was emotionally very distant still.”
“He didn’t fight for me in the divorce, and I didn’t ask to see him.”
“Around a week after we found out my father had been cheating, we found out his affair partner was around four months pregnant with his child.”
The OP did not want a relationship with her dad’s other child.
“I still have a relationship with and spend time with my paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, and great aunts and uncles. The only thing is I don’t go to family parties or celebrations because I don’t want to see my father or his affair partner, and now I also don’t want to see their child.”
“This is a sore topic for my paternal family. I have an aunt, uncle, and cousins on my side who understand and don’t expect me to fight for some kind of relationship with this kid.”
“But my other aunts and uncles and my grandparents are all super upset that I won’t set aside my issues with my father and be a sister to his child and his next child on the way, and I only found out a week ago that my father and his affair partner are expecting again.”
The OP’s family pushed her to connect with her half-sibling.
“They told me the child is innocent and she would benefit from having a big sister in her life. They used the argument that we could be each other’s support when she gets older, and how my father is showing a similar disinterest in her as he did in me, and we could bond over having a s**tty father.”
“When I said I didn’t want to do that and I don’t love this child, they told me I must feel some love because we’re siblings, but I said no.”
“I said I would be happy to never have anything to do with her and her sibling on the way. I said it doesn’t matter if my father’s as bad of a father to them or not.”
“They keep telling me to at least meet her and see if I feel something. They told me I should be old enough to be kind even if I feel nothing. They think I should be better than my father was and connect, but I don’t think it’s comparable, because he chose to be a father to someone else; I didn’t choose for him to have more kids for me to be related to in some way.”
The OP remained insistent.
“My mom supports me 100 percent on this topic, too. I know she might be biased in favor of me not forming the relationship, but she’d support me if I wanted one too. Only I don’t.”
“And I don’t see that changing ever because I don’t imagine wanting a relationship with someone who really don’t hold a valued connection to me, because I don’t value my father.”
“And I won’t ever have a relationship with him because even if 20 years from now he became a very different person he would never be able to make up for all the years of disinterest.”
“”Does it make me the a**hole that I refuse to meet or have a relationship with his kid, though?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was her father’s responsibility to connect, making her NTA.
“YOU were innocent and would have benefited from a FATHER in your life… Or have they forgotten that?!”
“Where was this pressure to your sperm donor when he was washing his hands of you? F**k them. NTA.” – lun4d0r4
“HE is the parent in this scenario. He is responsible for destroying your life, abandoning you, not fostering a relationship between you and his other kids, AND being a complete and utter entitled twatt.”
“As is everyone else who is telling you to get over it. This is the consequence of HIS actions. You are NOT obligated to anything because of his choices.” – JoyfulSong246
“Like you said before, you are the child in the relationship to your father. It’s not your job as the child to pick up the slack from your father. They are guilting the wrong person.”
“Keep strong. You are not the AH.” – Lucky_Respect5496
“I don’t see what their problem is. You still see them, you choose not to go if dip s**t is there, and this avoids a scene… What is wrong with these people?”
“That’s a LOT of effort for people who are being s**tty to you.” – lun4d0r4
“So they’re all happy to harass you into fixing this child, but none of them have thought about intervening with your father and getting him to sort himself out. The fact that he had no interest in you and now is doing the same to another child doesn’t concern them?” – Difficult_Jury_7455
Others encouraged the OP to continue to hold her boundaries.
“What you need to do is start shutting them down.”
“First of all, the affair partner was stupid to get pregnant again. She lives with him, so she had to see that he was not interested in the first child, so she got pregnant again?! Aside from the fact that she was with him, knowing he had a family.”
“When they start bringing this up and guilt-tripping you, say this matter is no longer open for discussion. That’s it. No arguments and no more explanation because they will keep on.”
“Repeat each time. This is no longer open for discussion. They keep up, you leave, or if they keep talking on the phone, hang up. Do it every time until it stops.” – mcmurrml
“It honestly sounds to me like they are less looking for someone to be there for the new kids and more they are looking for someone to be free child care as you are the age of being able to responsibly babysit.”
“I get the feeling that the members of your sperm donor’s family that are pushing for you to have a relationship with the kids are the current go to babysitters and they are trying to find someone else to pawn it off on.”
“Don’t give in keep your boundaries. He was never your father and thus his new kids are not your siblings any more than kids born from a sperm bank are siblings.” – Significant_Buy_89
“NTA. You get to decide what relationship, if any, you have with your dad, his wife, and their child. If you don’t want one, that’s up to you, and it’s okay.”
“You weren’t given a choice before your father broke up your family and had a child with his affair partner. You do have a say in these relationships.” – Vandreeson
“The kid’s innocent. Well… so are you.”
“Tell them all to redirect their effort towards your father, by telling him not to be a sh*tty father, instead of pushing you to make up for his s**tty ways.”
“If he’s treating the kid the same way he treated you, he’s probably right on track to go off with yet another family soon. Not your problem. You are not an emotional orphanage for all the kids he makes and neglects.”
“NTA.” – Special_Lychee_6847
“NTA. You were an innocent child that your dad didn’t care about, and the very people lecturing you ‘to be the bigger person’ are the ones who raised him and failed to call him out on his neglect.”
“Thank them for acknowledging he was a poor parent and ask them to speak to him about the problems they see that he’s causing his children.”
“Then politely decline to devalue your own peace in experiencing his neglect through others.”
“You have a great mom. Stick together.” – eagerreader007
“Amongst other things: I understand why this may be a good idea for these kids. Everyone knows what your dad is… But it’s really unclear why it’s a good idea for you.”
“And there’s nothing wrong with flatly saying it that way. Bluntly, if necessary. ‘Him running around doesn’t create obligations for me. And if you push me on this, you’re choosing never to see me again.'” – xasdfxx
The subReddit applauded the OP for understanding that her family was expecting far more of her than they should and that they expected her to fix problems she did not create.
If they really wanted their family to come together, they needed to refer to the source, not pester an innocent child.