When two people who already have children fall in love, it’s wonderful to imagine them all coming together into a big, beautiful new family who will live together happily ever after.
But sometimes it doesn’t work out that way, and some of the children feel slighted, empathized the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor No-Elephant-5814 felt no connection to his stepmother and two stepsiblings, but because he was never allowed to do anything without his stepsiblings, to avoid leaving them out, his resentment deepened.
When the opportunity came up for him to go to a restaurant he never got to go to anymore, the Original Poster (OP) gladly accepted, regardless of how his new family felt about it.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for picking a restaurant my stepsiblings couldn’t eat at?”
The OP had to be accompanied by his stepsiblings for his birthday celebration.
“My uncle brought me out to eat on Saturday because he wasn’t here for my 16th birthday three weeks ago. He had to take my stepsiblings (13 Female and 11 Male) with us.”
“He’s not their step-uncle, by the way. He’s my mom’s brother. My stepsiblings are my dad’s stepkids. My uncle and dad used to be best friends, but their friendship ended when my mom died seven years ago.”
“Things are messy because my uncle still wants to see me and I want to see him, but my dad doesn’t want my stepsiblings left out, so he expects them to come along every time I go out.”
The OP’s stepsiblings’ dietary requirements were always put first, as well.
“Something kinda relevant is that my stepsiblings have (not-anaphylactic kind) food allergies. Their allergies are different from each other, and they get rashes and puking and stuff from eating foods they’re allergic to.”
“This has become such a focus for my dad and their mom that I don’t get to eat at places I like, even when my stepsiblings aren’t there, because it’s ‘not fair’ for me to have something different.”
“I’m also the only person in the ‘family’ (I think it’s more a burden than a family) who never gets to have my favorite restaurant on rotation for eating out. My dad, his wife, and both my stepsiblings get their first choice, but because mine doesn’t easily accommodate my stepsiblings, I can’t have it. All of my top five picks are out, even for stuff like my birthday.”
“I hate it. I resent it. I don’t have the family affection or mushiness for them to make it easier. I just basically suck it up.”
The OP’s uncle decided to make his birthday special that day.
“When my uncle took us out, he made sure I chose my top choice. And he took us there.”
“My stepsiblings didn’t eat. I didn’t even feel bad because their needs are always put first, and they shouldn’t have been tagging along anyway.”
But there were consequences.
“Their mom was SO mad when my uncle dropped me off, and my dad was disappointed in me.”
“He asked me why I chose it, and I told him it’s my favorite restaurant and it’s been almost six years since I got to eat there because they decided I can never have it while I live with them.”
“I told him it was meant to be celebrating my birthday, and since I get f**ked over when they ‘celebrate’ me because of my stepsiblings, I didn’t see why I had to do it when my uncle was taking me.”
The truth about how the OP really felt came out in that moment.
“I told him they shouldn’t have been there in the first place. I didn’t want them there. He was just f**king with my uncle.”
“His wife heard me say her kids shouldn’t have been there, and she asked where my compassion is and where my sibling bond went, and I told her I never had one.”
“My stepsiblings were really upset they’d been forced to watch two of us eat, and that made their mom more angry at me and my dad more upset with me especially because I didn’t feel bad about it.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he had every right to celebrate his birthday on his terms.
“NTA, he’s your uncle, not theirs. It was your birthday celebration, not theirs. Steal those little moments for you whenever possible.”
“There shouldn’t be any consequences, but your dad and stepmom are off their rockers. They just want a free babysitter and maybe you can talk to your uncle about him refusing to them. They can’t force their children on the unwilling. Put up a united front with your uncle.” – IAmTAAlways
“NTA. This was your one time to pick a place that you liked. Your uncle wanted to honor you for your birthday.”
“That’s crazy that you can’t even go to your preferred places when your stepsiblings are not around. And it’s also crazy that your parents forced your uncle to include them.”
“Good for you for finally getting to enjoy a special meal.” – Having-hope3594
“NTA. Your Uncle knew what was happening. He knew they couldn’t eat there, he approved of your choice.”
“He’s also probably tired of having to spend money on the other kids whenever he wants to see you. Your parents are the AH for forcing the situation onto everyone involved.”
“He’s known and loved you for 16 years. He’ll have your side forever.”
“I promise, there have been conversations about this previously, between your Dad and him. Your Dad laid an ultimatum on him, take all three or you don’t get to see OP. So now he’s spending triple and dividing his time, all so he can see you.”
“I have two kids. Each of their aunt/uncles will take them out together and separately. Everyone realizes that you sometimes need one-on-one time so you can focus on their specific interests. I then spend time with the one who stays behind, everyone wins.”
“By the way… Happy birthday.” – Grand-Corner1030
“Are they allergic to everything? There were no sides or anything they could eat? They are 11 and 13, so they should know what their allergies are and have an idea of what’s safe to eat.”
“My kid doesn’t like meat, but when we go to their school picnic, only hot dogs and hamburgers are available as a main dish, so my kid will get popcorn or chips or something. Then we go later and grab a pizza or something they do like.”
“The steps could have ordered rice or corn or a piece of bread, something instead of sitting there staring if they were hungry. I think the parents have spoiled them into always getting what they want instead of teaching them to eat what they can that’s available.”
“NTA. And your dad’s rule that you can’t even go to a restaurant that you like without your steps is insane; he caused this mess with that attitude.” – Sweetsmyle
Others agreed and said the OP wasn’t the problem in this family arrangement.
“Your dad is going to realize his mistake when you’re 18 and you start doing things without them and seeing your uncle on your own terms. Your dad should want you to enjoy a restaurant you enjoy. And not force your step-siblings to be brought along.”
“These parents who force these blended families together really annoy me. I think they should attend mandatory classes on blended families before moving in together.” – SeaAppearance5045
“NTA. The steps kids DID NOT BELONG on YOUR birthday dinner. He isn’t THEIR uncle.”
“Just because they have food allergies doesn’t mean your dad had the right to demand that you eat anywhere other than where you want to eat. His kids can eat at home or just eat elsewhere AFTER YOUR CHOSEN BIRTHDAY DINNER.”
“Blended family, my butt! They almost NEVER work out smoothly. That goes for either side.”
“Blending takes lots of talk therapy and explanations of why this is happening and dealing with negativity. Even then, there is no guarantee that there isn’t some resentment by either side. Many parents wait to introduce their various kids to each other until the wedding. Doing that ‘INSTANT FAMILY’ is usually the core of the resentment.”
“Case in point; my stepfather’s kids from his first marriage wanted ZERO to do with him or me. When my dad remarried, his second wife wanted nothing to do with me, and she never allowed me to have anything to do with them.”
“None of the parents forced the issue. They had the intelligence to realize the situation couldn’t be helped, and outright war would ensue if they did. This was 50 years ago. Some things, no matter the duration, never change.” – AgateCatCreations076
“Adults need to realize that they chose another adult but they’re forcing their kids to coexist with people that aren’t of their choosing. These stepsiblings are also at an age (although I think it’s a good lesson at any age) to learn that they don’t always get the same things just because they’re all now siblings. He has a different family and should be allowed to see them on their own.”
“Also, how messed up that the uncle has to pay for these outings (when said stepkids are eating).” – Lost_Suit_8121
“You should ask your mom where her and your stepsiblings’ compassion is towards you. Compassion is a two-way street. You have been more than accommodating towards them. They should learn to be accommodating towards you.”
“As a mom myself, I find your parents’ behavior despicable. Everyone is different. We are not carbon copies of each other.” – good_enuffs
“Your dad in five years: Why does OP never call or come around?”
“Also your dad: I will force my family choices on you while you still live in my house.”
“My friend, you know you are NTA. It’s not your stepsiblings’ fault they have allergies, and it doesn’t seem like they asked to be taken out by your uncle, either.”
“Your dad, however, is a big AH for forcing this upon you. Birthdays should absolutely be special, especially when celebrated by your mom’s side (sorry for your loss).” – HighlyImprobable42
The subReddit couldn’t help but shake their heads at the mess the OP’s father had created.
Instead of bringing the family together and still recognizing each member of the family as their own person, he instead expected the OP to revolve his world around his stepsiblings, including what he ate, what he did, and what little time he got to spend with his late mother’s brother.
If something didn’t change, this would probably be one of the last birthdays the dad got to celebrate with his biological child.