When two people who already have children fall in love, it's wonderful to imagine them all coming together into a big, beautiful new family who will live together happily ever after.
But sometimes it doesn't work out that way, and some of the children feel slighted, empathized the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor No-Elephant-5814 felt no connection to his stepmother and two stepsiblings, but because he was never allowed to do anything without his stepsiblings, to avoid leaving them out, his resentment deepened.
When the opportunity came up for him to go to a restaurant he never got to go to anymore, the Original Poster (OP) gladly accepted, regardless of how his new family felt about it.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for picking a restaurant my stepsiblings couldn't eat at?"
The OP had to be accompanied by his stepsiblings for his birthday celebration.
"My uncle brought me out to eat on Saturday because he wasn't here for my 16th birthday three weeks ago. He had to take my stepsiblings (13 Female and 11 Male) with us."
"He's not their step-uncle, by the way. He's my mom's brother. My stepsiblings are my dad's stepkids. My uncle and dad used to be best friends, but their friendship ended when my mom died seven years ago."
"Things are messy because my uncle still wants to see me and I want to see him, but my dad doesn't want my stepsiblings left out, so he expects them to come along every time I go out."
The OP's stepsiblings' dietary requirements were always put first, as well.
"Something kinda relevant is that my stepsiblings have (not-anaphylactic kind) food allergies. Their allergies are different from each other, and they get rashes and puking and stuff from eating foods they're allergic to."
"This has become such a focus for my dad and their mom that I don't get to eat at places I like, even when my stepsiblings aren't there, because it's 'not fair' for me to have something different."
"I'm also the only person in the 'family' (I think it's more a burden than a family) who never gets to have my favorite restaurant on rotation for eating out. My dad, his wife, and both my stepsiblings get their first choice, but because mine doesn't easily accommodate my stepsiblings, I can't have it. All of my top five picks are out, even for stuff like my birthday."
"I hate it. I resent it. I don't have the family affection or mushiness for them to make it easier. I just basically suck it up."
The OP's uncle decided to make his birthday special that day.
"When my uncle took us out, he made sure I chose my top choice. And he took us there."
"My stepsiblings didn't eat. I didn't even feel bad because their needs are always put first, and they shouldn't have been tagging along anyway."
But there were consequences.
"Their mom was SO mad when my uncle dropped me off, and my dad was disappointed in me."
"He asked me why I chose it, and I told him it's my favorite restaurant and it's been almost six years since I got to eat there because they decided I can never have it while I live with them."
"I told him it was meant to be celebrating my birthday, and since I get f**ked over when they 'celebrate' me because of my stepsiblings, I didn't see why I had to do it when my uncle was taking me."
The truth about how the OP really felt came out in that moment.
"I told him they shouldn't have been there in the first place. I didn't want them there. He was just f**king with my uncle."
"His wife heard me say her kids shouldn't have been there, and she asked where my compassion is and where my sibling bond went, and I told her I never had one."
"My stepsiblings were really upset they'd been forced to watch two of us eat, and that made their mom more angry at me and my dad more upset with me especially because I didn't feel bad about it."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he had every right to celebrate his birthday on his terms.
"NTA, he's your uncle, not theirs. It was your birthday celebration, not theirs. Steal those little moments for you whenever possible."
"There shouldn't be any consequences, but your dad and stepmom are off their rockers. They just want a free babysitter and maybe you can talk to your uncle about him refusing to them. They can't force their children on the unwilling. Put up a united front with your uncle." - IAmTAAlways
"NTA. This was your one time to pick a place that you liked. Your uncle wanted to honor you for your birthday."
"That's crazy that you can't even go to your preferred places when your stepsiblings are not around. And it's also crazy that your parents forced your uncle to include them."
"Good for you for finally getting to enjoy a special meal." - Having-hope3594
"NTA. Your Uncle knew what was happening. He knew they couldn't eat there, he approved of your choice."
"He's also probably tired of having to spend money on the other kids whenever he wants to see you. Your parents are the AH for forcing the situation onto everyone involved."
"He's known and loved you for 16 years. He'll have your side forever."
"I promise, there have been conversations about this previously, between your Dad and him. Your Dad laid an ultimatum on him, take all three or you don't get to see OP. So now he's spending triple and dividing his time, all so he can see you."
"I have two kids. Each of their aunt/uncles will take them out together and separately. Everyone realizes that you sometimes need one-on-one time so you can focus on their specific interests. I then spend time with the one who stays behind, everyone wins."
"By the way... Happy birthday." - Grand-Corner1030
"Are they allergic to everything? There were no sides or anything they could eat? They are 11 and 13, so they should know what their allergies are and have an idea of what's safe to eat."
"My kid doesn't like meat, but when we go to their school picnic, only hot dogs and hamburgers are available as a main dish, so my kid will get popcorn or chips or something. Then we go later and grab a pizza or something they do like."
"The steps could have ordered rice or corn or a piece of bread, something instead of sitting there staring if they were hungry. I think the parents have spoiled them into always getting what they want instead of teaching them to eat what they can that's available."
"NTA. And your dad's rule that you can't even go to a restaurant that you like without your steps is insane; he caused this mess with that attitude." - Sweetsmyle
Others agreed and said the OP wasn't the problem in this family arrangement.
"Your dad is going to realize his mistake when you're 18 and you start doing things without them and seeing your uncle on your own terms. Your dad should want you to enjoy a restaurant you enjoy. And not force your step-siblings to be brought along."
"These parents who force these blended families together really annoy me. I think they should attend mandatory classes on blended families before moving in together." - SeaAppearance5045
"NTA. The steps kids DID NOT BELONG on YOUR birthday dinner. He isn't THEIR uncle."
"Just because they have food allergies doesn't mean your dad had the right to demand that you eat anywhere other than where you want to eat. His kids can eat at home or just eat elsewhere AFTER YOUR CHOSEN BIRTHDAY DINNER."
"Blended family, my butt! They almost NEVER work out smoothly. That goes for either side."
"Blending takes lots of talk therapy and explanations of why this is happening and dealing with negativity. Even then, there is no guarantee that there isn't some resentment by either side. Many parents wait to introduce their various kids to each other until the wedding. Doing that 'INSTANT FAMILY' is usually the core of the resentment."
"Case in point; my stepfather's kids from his first marriage wanted ZERO to do with him or me. When my dad remarried, his second wife wanted nothing to do with me, and she never allowed me to have anything to do with them."
"None of the parents forced the issue. They had the intelligence to realize the situation couldn't be helped, and outright war would ensue if they did. This was 50 years ago. Some things, no matter the duration, never change." - AgateCatCreations076
"Adults need to realize that they chose another adult but they're forcing their kids to coexist with people that aren't of their choosing. These stepsiblings are also at an age (although I think it's a good lesson at any age) to learn that they don't always get the same things just because they're all now siblings. He has a different family and should be allowed to see them on their own."
"Also, how messed up that the uncle has to pay for these outings (when said stepkids are eating)." - Lost_Suit_8121
"You should ask your mom where her and your stepsiblings' compassion is towards you. Compassion is a two-way street. You have been more than accommodating towards them. They should learn to be accommodating towards you."
"As a mom myself, I find your parents' behavior despicable. Everyone is different. We are not carbon copies of each other." - good_enuffs
"Your dad in five years: Why does OP never call or come around?"
"Also your dad: I will force my family choices on you while you still live in my house."
"My friend, you know you are NTA. It's not your stepsiblings' fault they have allergies, and it doesn't seem like they asked to be taken out by your uncle, either."
"Your dad, however, is a big AH for forcing this upon you. Birthdays should absolutely be special, especially when celebrated by your mom's side (sorry for your loss)." - HighlyImprobable42
The subReddit couldn't help but shake their heads at the mess the OP's father had created.
Instead of bringing the family together and still recognizing each member of the family as their own person, he instead expected the OP to revolve his world around his stepsiblings, including what he ate, what he did, and what little time he got to spend with his late mother's brother.
If something didn't change, this would probably be one of the last birthdays the dad got to celebrate with his biological child.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.