We tend to think highly of the people we surround ourselves with, and we don't enjoy thinking of them ever being at fault.
This is probably especially true for parents, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor circagym262 felt torn after he caused his twin sister to be expelled from school for bullying other kids.
When this effectively broke his parents' vision of his sister, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was wrong to speak up.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for getting my sister expelled from school?"
The OP had a difficult relationship with his twin sister.
"I (14 male) recently got my twin sister (14 female) expelled from school after reporting her for the bullying she did."
"I don't think I did anything wrong and my grandpa (72 male) is on my side, but my parents (40 male and 40 female) think I betrayed my sister."
"My sister has never been the nicest person. She got in trouble for bullying in elementary school and earlier in middle school, and has gotten detention and ISS before, but this is the worst punishment she's gotten so far."
"She can be mean to our siblings and cousins too if she wants to."
"We are in 8th grade now."
The OP recently made a new friend at school.
"A few weeks ago, I was playing basketball outside during lunch (which we're allowed to do). My friends and I were having a good time when we saw a boy crying on the grass, so we went to see what was wrong."
"This boy was telling us about how he was being bullied by a group of kids for being 'preppy' (posts skincare routines on TikTok, Starbucks iced coffee, generally seen as a more feminine male aesthetic)."
"Kids were calling him 'gay' and the f-slur when he's not gay."
"We told him we thought he was cool. He started discussing skincare and fashion with us, but we don't know much about it, so my friends and I were trying to talk about Nike and stuff about fashion we did know (mostly sports stuff).
"He actually knew quite a bit about it, said he's started taking courses at a local college about fashion history. He's also in 8th grade like us."
"After we calmed him down, we asked him if he wanted to play ball with us, and we were amazed at how good he was."
"He said he's not really into sports but he was so naturally good, he had us playing our hardest and scored against a few of us when playing in teams."
"We encouraged him to potentially try out for the team in high school and he said he'd consider it."
Then he realized who was actually bullying his new friend.
"Over the few weeks, we've started to hang out with him more and more."
"We were at the park playing with him and he dropped his phone. One of my friends picked it up and unintentionally opened up the messages on Instagram since he got a notification for it."
"He saw someone texted him homophobic stuff."
"The boy noticed my sister was one of the kids sending him the messages."
"We told him it wasn't ok and that we'd go to the AP (Assistant Principal) with him."
"My sister and her friends were called into the office and they all got in a bunch of trouble."
"It was her, 3 other girls, and 2 other boys, one of which is her boyfriend."
"My sister was the ringleader and the cruelest, so she got the harshest punishment and was expelled."
Some didn't appreciate how the OP handled the situation.
"My mother and father said I shouldn't have gone to AP and instead talked to them."
"My grandfather has a different perspective since he was involved in progressive activist groups in his teen years and college years. While he's straight, he saw his gay friends get bullied and was horrified about what she was doing, even though it was directed to a straight boy."
"My sister is calling me an a**hole, a snitch, and says she hates me."
"My friends are reassuring me we did the right thing."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said this was something the OP's sister needed to learn, sooner rather than later.
"NTA. I think you did your sister a long-term favor. If she never has any consequences, how will she learn?"
"If your parents always coddle those behaviors, she won't see a reason to change. Even now, it seems like she has no regard for the person she hurt. She's only mad that she is in trouble."
"You did the right thing." - Dopamineoftheweek
"OP, all you did was encourage her victim to shine a light on her actions. You didn't make her bully him, you didn't decide the punishment, you didn't even actually go and tell the AP yourself."
"If your parents had the ability or competency to teach your sister common decency and empathy, then they'd have done it at any of the previous warnings. Your grandfather is right. Your parents failed and are continuing to fail your sister in not preparing her to be part of society."
"Even now she's proving she has no remorse, it's despicable, especially when your parents rather than focus on the actual problem that is their daughter, choose to focus on you for not hiding her behavior from consequence. They are actively encouraging her behavior."
"You did nothing wrong here and you're proving to be a better person than your parents or sister." - Iocabus
"A middle school an hour away from where I live just had a tragic ending involving a bullying situation. The student that was bullied took matters into their own hands and will most likely be in Juvenile Detention until they are 18. The alleged bully's funeral is this weekend."
"The parents need to understand the dangers of bullying its not something to take lightly. This girl may pick on the wrong person one day and when that happens will they blame the victim or themselves for not taking the matter more seriously." - PeanutButterJelly2020
"A lot of kids at that age don't really have a good sense of empathy. They need to be taught that there are repercussions for their actions if they treat people badly."
"If she doesn't learn as a young teenager, she'll be the star of another post on this board in ten years, but it will be a workplace and HR, not a school and a principal." - MattJFarrell
"They're in 8th grade too, and that's over the age that criminal charges can be pressed for harassment."
"The sister is lucky she was expelled and not arrested for it, especially since there's evidence with her name plastered all over it from her Insta."
"If I were the kid's parents, I'd be pressing charges and filing for a restraining order against all the students involved so they can't contact him again digitally." - Proper_Garlic3171
Others were pleased that the OP reached out to his peer when he was at a low point.
"I'm amazed by OP's kindness. He: went out of her way to inquire why a stranger was upset, attempted to find common interests, developed a genuine friendship, and again went out of his way to go with him to the APS office to report behavior that he had probably just accepted would happen."
"OP, you are a good person. 14-year-olds tend to be a**holes, not as bad as your sister but still. Continue to go out of your way to spread love and kindness, you will never regret it." - taybay462
"The OP helped make this young man shine, which is so wonderful!"
"OP, Twin here, you don't have to like someone just because you shared a uterus. And you did such an amazing thing! You and your friends should be commended!" - Lennox120520
"NTA. As you know, OP, young people your age are incredibly vulnerable to bullying. It can have lifelong and life-threatening impacts."
"Good for you for standing up for your new friend, and for being brave enough to stick to your principles despite your sister being involved. You're a good person." - RainbowCrane
"Think about the breath of fresh air your new friend feels, knowing he can wake up in the morning, look forward to seeing you guys at school where he is loved and accepted, and share interests with guys who are so welcoming and kind."
"Knowing that he can go somewhere safe and not feel threatened is so important."
"What you've done for him is bring his bully to justice. You've done something wonderful and kind. Don't be ashamed or feel bad for letting people face consequences."
"Even though her bullying was on Instagram, it was more far-spread than you could have imagined with all those peers at school bullying him. No one needs that toxicity around them. Continue doing good and being friends with him."
"NTA." - FairyOfTheNight
Though there were mixed reactions around the OP taking his friend to the Assistant Principal's office, resulting in his sister's expulsion, the subReddit thought he did the right thing.
Not only did the sister need to learn more about empathy, bullying, and homophobia, but the other teen deserved to learn now that there would be people in his corner, too.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp