While we would all love to imagine siblings always getting along well, sometimes they just don't.
But some siblings make their relationship more hostile than necessary, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
While taking the same advanced placement class as his sister, Redditor Long-Caramel3291 decided to distance himself as much as possible from her.
But when this turned into a months-long silent treatment, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he handled the situation poorly.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for pretending not to know my sister in a class that we're both in?"
The OP and his sister were in the same advanced physics class.
"This happened at the start of summer, but its effects are still ongoing."
"I'm (17 Male) taking AP Physics 1 this summer so that I can take AP Physics 2 in my senior year."
"My sister also is taking AP Physics 2 and therefore is also taking AP Physics 1 this summer in the same middle college as me."
The OP was embarrassed by her presence in class.
"The thing is that she's going to be a junior, a year behind me."
"It's embarrassing as h**l to have my younger sister in the same advanced class as me, and I genuinely hate it."
During class, the OP decided to distance himself.
"On one of the first days of class at the beginning of June, my sister came to my table to ask me a question, and I responded with, 'Wait, sorry, who are you?'"
"She laughed, but I repeated it in a serious tone."
"She responded with, 'I'm your fu,' and then I cut her off before she could finish and told her that I don't help absolute randos in class."
"My sister could tell I was being dead serious, so she just laughed a bit, shook her head, and walked away."
This interaction caused way more problems than the OP expected.
"I'm not lying when I say this: we haven't spoken a word to each other since that day."
"At first, it started with my sister ignoring me, but then I got kind of petty and started to ignore her back, and well, we're in the present time now."
"Our parents don't notice because they're always busy at work, and at the dinner table, they're the ones who initiate conversation."
"AITA in all this?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP created more problems for himself in the classroom.
"Someone should tell OP that by treating his sister badly, he called just as much attention, if not more, to the relationship than just casually answering her would have."
"I also wonder how much sexism plays a part here also? Not only is his younger sibling in the same AP Physics class, but that sibling is also a girl. Everyone knows girls can't be good at Physics. (ends sarcastic comment)" - MidnyteStorme
"I'm sure they're all gossipy about and judging OP now."
"They all saw and heard how much of a dick OP is and are, presumably, smart enough to realize that two people who look alike and have the same name are related." - mydeadmom
"YTA."
"You would get a lot more respect, and people would like you more, if you did the exact opposite, and bragged about how smart your younger sister is. 'She's in this hard class with us, and she's a junior! Gonna have to work hard to keep up with you, Girl Genius! High five!'"
"Then occasionally use the nickname Girl Genius, which will endear you to every female student who hears it."
"Women like a man who is caring, and chivalrous towards other women, especially his family. If I saw a guy treating his own sister the way you're doing here, I would have nothing but contempt for him." - MizWhatsIt
"If OP is straight, he'd have an in with the junior girls. ALL my girlfriends in jr high and high school had crushes on my football player older brother. He was too old for them (four years) but if we were closer in age, he would have had an easy time finding dates."
"It got really tiresome, all the giggling that would start when he came home and I had friends over. Luckily my brother is a good guy and he would pretend not to notice. He wasn't interested in young girls." - Pencils_
"Here is how a well-balanced, mature older brother responds. I have rewritten your entire interaction just in case the advice isn't clear enough."
"Big bro: how awesome is it that we are in the same class, I'm so proud of you. Let me know if you need any help. Together we will ace this class."
"Little sis: I'm so happy that I get to study this challenging class with my big bro. This could be a real bonding experience."
"End scene. YTA." - Puzzleheaded_Mud_231
Others pointed out that he should be more embarrassed for how he handled the situation.
"OP has main character syndrome where he thinks anyone would actually care about this. As if a giant record scratch noise and gasps would be heard across the land once it was known his younger sister was in the room." - LurksAroundHere
"I would not have paid attention to it when I was younger if I was in that class, especially since different students excel in different areas in school."
"Once OP started acting immature, I would absolutely start to pay attention and would find it interesting. I would also root for the younger sister to do well after seeing how much baby OP was acting like." - InterestingTry5190
"It would be way more normal to just be like, 'Yep, that's my sister,' and leave it at that. we literally had twins in our class and no one cared. We knew they were siblings and that was it." - mahoganyecho
"At most, OP's gonna be told his sister is smarter, but they're probably just both really smart if they are at that high a level of education. OP is h**la insecure." - MrMakerHasLigma
"Does OP not realize how much of a weirdo his classmates will think he is for pretending he doesn't know his own sister? It is the most embarrassing and cringeworthy thing he could possibly do." - PasDeTout
Some also pointed out the sister was not the one to start the silent treatment.
"YTA."
"'I'm not lying when I say this: we haven't spoken a word to each other since that day. At first, it started with my sister ignoring me.' No, at first it started with you ignoring your sister."
"You don't get to put the blame on your sister for this petty fight and act as if you're shocked she started ignoring you after the way you treated her. You're honestly acting like an insecure loser, and your classmates will probably think so too when they find out the game you're playing. Treat your sister better."
"Oh, and by the way: 'Then I cut her off and told her that I don't help absolute randos in class.' Just so you know, this statement makes you look like an even bigger AH."
"Most people in the class are 'absolute randos.' So unless every single other person in that class is your friend (which I doubt), saying you don't help 'randos' shows you're not even a kind person to the majority of your classroom. Your classmates are going to think you're a d**k if you keep up with this charade." - LurksAroundHere
"YTA. You say you're seventeen but you remind me of a 10-year-old, the silent treatment you're getting from your sister is deserved, but your silent treatment is childish." - lostgirlfrmcanada
"I find it funny you became petty and started ignoring her as well when you were the instigator."
"YOU IGNORED HER FIRST, and now you are even more pissy that you are receiving the same treatment?"
"Just say you are insecure and envious of your sister and hope she can forgive you someday. Major YTA." - MyCatsLandlord
"YTA. Your fragile male ego can't handle your younger sister being at the same scholastic level as you so you disavow knowing her."
"Of course she is going to ignore you and show you that you are not someone she wants to be around. You need to take the first step and try to fix this because she will continue to ignore you." - PurpleBugBull
"YTA. When I was in my sophomore year, I was in 2 classes with my stepbrother. My mom/his dad were married, I lived with my dad, and he lived with his mom."
"Including this info to say, no one had reason to know we were related. Did he ignore me? H**l no! He actually sat right next to me in both classes, and told everyone who I was!"
"Cherish your relationships. Don't be a butthead about it." - justwannareadstories
The subReddit was side-eyeing the OP for how he handled this situation and sharing a classroom space with his sister, but they were especially upset with him for saying that she ignored him "first." He was only having issues with his sister now because of how he treated her during class.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp