Naming your child can be fairly simple if your family follows a set tradition that you agree with.
Or it can be very complicated if you disagree with your family tradition or with your partner. If both parents find a name they like, all the drama is over though.
Right?
A teen whose parents are rethinking his name turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Fast-Emphasis-145 asked:
"AITA for telling my parents I'm not changing my name because of their name regret?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (16, male) am my parents' youngest kid and the only kid they named based on what they liked vs what the family wanted them to name us. My siblings were all named after family members like both my dad's and mom's families prefer."
"By the time they got around to having me, they were like 'f*ck this sh*t' and told their family they were choosing a name based on what they liked and not based on family. So they named me Sunny."
"Yeah, the 'girl version' of Sonny. I don't care. I don't think Sunny is girly because it has a u vs an o. But anyway."
"My parents started to regret my name when I was maybe 10? I don't remember exactly when, but I can remember being about 10 and my parents started sometimes calling me by my middle name and only stopping when I told them it was weird and I liked my first name."
"When I was 13, they asked me if I ever went by a nickname, and I said no."
"Last year, they said some kids change their names before graduating high school because they want something more grown up, and they want to save the added expense of changing the name on their degree."
"I was like, 'Oh, I guess if people want that, it makes sense'. Then I said, 'it must suck to hate your name'."
"Six months ago, my parents said I look like a James, nicknamed Jamie. I asked them why they thought that, and they said I just had that look."
"They asked what I thought of the name, and I said I like Jamie but prefer Sunny. Then they asked if I liked the name Luke, and I said no."
"In June, they asked me if I would consider letting them change my name to something different. They said they feel like they named me as a big 'f*ck you' to their families but felt bad that I had such an unserious name for a man."
"I told them I didn't want to change my name, and I have always loved the way they talked about finding my name. They said their feelings had changed and they felt like the name being cute and light and full of hope wasn't great for going into my adult years."
"They said they deeply regretted it. I told them I was glad they made the choice they did, and they shouldn't stress it."
"But last week, they got the paperwork for a legal name change and presented me with like three name choices and asked me to pick. They said they really didn't want to live with the guilt."
"I told them I'm not changing my name because of their name regret. I told them how I feel about my name is more important now."
"At my age, they need my consent, and it is my wish to change it. Not just because they regret it. That's why they keep putting pressure on me."
"They told me I should at least think of their feelings and that I should consider the future and whether I'll be taken seriously. They're reminding me of my grandparents these days, and I don't mean that in a good way."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I told my parents I'm not changing my name because of their name regret. And I refused to take their feelings or wants into account."
"That might make me the a**hole because, yeah, it's my name now, but my parents also have to live with that kind of regret now, and that's maybe a little sh*tty of me when they gave me choices for my next name."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"I mean, this is just sad: 'being cute and light and full of hope wasn't great for going into my adult years'. OP, please go forth into your adult years being cute and light and full of hope. NTA." ~ paintedkayak
"I know right? They basically told OP 'being an adult sucks and you have nothing to look forward to so let's change your name to something boring'." ~ SivvyFox
"NTA - your parents sound EXHAUSTING. You're going to have to ask them to STOP trying to change you. Tell them they're going to give you a complex." ~ MissionHoneydew2209
"You can tell them to stop pushing, or before they know it, you'll be changing a name, alright…your last name. NTA." ~ Dense-Passion-2729
"What the hell, NTA. 'Six months ago, my parents said I look like a James, nicknamed Jamie'."
"So, are they planning to push you to change your name every time you change your hairstyle or wardrobe?"
"Sonny or Sunny, regardless of how you spell it, is a perfectly normal name for a male. An identity is intertwined with a name, and separating the two is hard. You, and you alone, are the person that should decide if you want to change your name." ~ naisfurious
"Then you should try to shut this down. Ask them to sit down sometime and have a family meeting. Schedule it with a calendar invite even."
"Tell them you brought them here to set straight the question of changing your name. You understand they regret naming you Sunny, and you understand that. But they need to understand you DON'T regret being named Sunny—it's the name you love, it's your name, and you have NO desire to change it, not today and not ever."
"Furthermore, their constant efforts to talk you into changing the name don't make you want to change your name—what they do say, is that your parents don't respect you as an independent person who has the right to make such decisions for themself."
"Right now, you understand they have regrets, but those regrets don't matter. It's YOUR name, and trying to change it now is like demanding someone return a gift you gave them 16 years ago. So they can deal with their regrets however they want, but you changing your own name is not an option and never was."
"You really want them to hear you when you say you LOVE your name! You love the name itself, and you love the story behind it. If they could go back in time and change history so you were named something else, you'd want a time machine of your own so you could stop them."
"Not only is Sunny your name, but you LOVE your name, you LOVE being Sunny, and as far as you're concerned, naming you Sunny is one of the best gifts your parents ever gave you."
"So you need them to understand that the matter of changing your name is closed, and any further attempts they make to persuade you only come off as dismissing what you want and disrespecting your needs and your own sense of self."
"Ask if there's any questions. You'll probably get a 'what about our feelings'."
"Tell them when you were a newborn and they were filling out a birth certificate their feelings mattered, now that you're 16 and a young adult with your own identity, your feelings matter. Is it their desire to put their feelings above yours? Look straight at them and ask, and wait for an answer."
"If they say 'no of course not, but...' cut them off and say 'but that's what you're doing. I've told you my feelings and you're ignoring them. You only have two choices here—respect my sense of self and my feelings and drop this for good, or keep going and show that your feelings are more important to you than mine. Those are the only two courses of action'." ~ SirEDCaLot
"NTA. It sounds like your parents are more concerned about their feelings regarding your name than your feelings. That name is yours, you're your own person, and if you don't want to change your name because you like it, then don't."
"Those are their feelings to live with, and putting them on you as a child is unfair and weird. I also have a weather name and I still love it, and I'm almost thirty. More power to you!" ~ Anxious-Nobody-4966
"NTA. They had their chance to name you. They don't get a do-over just because they have regret. The only person who has the right to change your name is you. I love it personally." ~ Financial_Bear_5071
"NTA. You like the name and don't want to change it. Why should you change something so integral to you just to assuage their guilt? They are your parents and should be able to place your feelings above theirs." ~ ReviewOk929
The OP may not be getting the support they want from their parents, but they have nothing but agreement on Reddit. It's OP's name, and he should get to keep it.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp