Losing a child is the worst thing imaginable for parents, and it is not up to others to try and convince them the grief will end.
Those who experienced such an unimaginable heartbreak process grief differently, and compassion from family members and friends can go a long way.
One teen, however, had a difficult time dealing with her parents who suffered a loss previously.
When a recent incident caused much drama, she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Cautious_Amount7421 asked:
"AITA for refusing to take a photo of my sister to college with me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Before my parents had me (18 m[ale]) they had my sister 'Emily'. Emily was 3 years older than me and she died when I was a few months old. My parents never recovered."
"My whole childhood I was in the shadows of the child they lost. I get that grief does things to people and that losing a child is the worst loss a parent can suffer, but it was like I didn't exist most of the time."
"They talked about Emily all the time. Sometimes they could acknowledge she was gone but more often than not she was talked about like she was still around. The most attention I got from my parents is when they force fed words about how much I loved Emily."
"It never came natural for me to say 'I love Emily and I miss her so much'. I didn't know Emily. But I did feel haunted by her."
The OP continued:
"I had a big photo of Emily on the wall opposite my bed growing up. They wanted me to fall asleep to my sister looking over me. It always felt creepy. But they had photos of her in every room, even the bathroom."
"I remember trying to take the photo in my room down and my parents had a hugely explosive reaction. Like I'm talking they yelled so loud the neighbors came to check on us."
"Emily's room was never touched after she died and sometimes my parents would sit in there for hours sometimes. I was also forced to sit with them in there sometimes. But I had to be very careful because I couldn't touch anything or make the room filthy."
The impact of Emily's loss was felt by other members of the family.
"Extended family were always so caught between being nicer to me to try and make up for my parents or coddling my parents and putting the weight of their grief and Emily's death on my shoulders."
"They would tell me not to be so harsh on my parents when they (my parents) would let me down. My parents could never celebrate anything I did. My extended family tried to fill that gap... but sometimes it felt like they came just to lecture me about compassion and understanding."
"I did good through school despite getting no help or support from my parents and I got a full scholarship to college. Before I left, my extended family came over to say goodbye and 'celebrate' a little because there could be no celebrating me at my parent's house."
It all culminated in this moment.
"My parents had these photos of Emily for me to take. They told me I'd need them for my dorm. But I left them behind. I didn't want to take photos of Emily. I wanted to get away from them, which might seem really unfair."
"My parents realized the next day and I got a text from my dad calling me all sorts of names for leaving them behind. Then my extended family said I could have taken one and should, because Emily is still my sister and I should still try to 'remember' her for my parents sake if not mine."
"AITA"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA - 1) Your Parents need therapy to help them. Grieving, while it has no time frame, they never allowed themselves to heal and move on. (I hesitate to put this - put you might even benefit from at least talking to someone outside your family about this too - they might be able to help with the following)"
"2) You need to just tell them exactly how you feel, and remind them you never knew Emily - yes she will always be your angel sister but you have no connection to her and they need to realize that."
"3) you also need to tell anyone who says you were wrong where to go and explain exactly why, if they can't respect you as an adult which you are for making a decision for yourself and your own mental health then you don't need them." – Lunar-Eclipse0204
"I can't talk to my parents about it. The reaction when they saw me moving the photo or trying to was bad enough. But if I actually say anything that they feel is too dismissive of Emily, it won't end any better."
"They are not people I can talk to. We never had a real conversation before." – OP
"I think this separation will be good for you, OP. Take this opportunity to get to know yourself and what you want, and keep your contact with your parents as limited as you want."
"Either they'll realize that they were wrong to raise you the way they did, or they won't, but I think you're right that they won't listen to your explanations, at least not now."
"Your extended family, though, that's another story. Anybody who reaches out to you to try to defend your parents or convince you to keep coddling them should get a full explanation of what it was like to be a child in that house. Be as angry and honest as you want."
"Don't let your extended family get away with trying to make you into your parents' emotional support child. You're the one that needed emotional support that you never got, and your extended family's refusal to hold your parents accountable is part of the reason why." – readthethings13579
"You might work on a written statement regarding this so you can respond to texts without having to relive everything. Create your answer, and when the flying monkeys come around, zap that back to them."
"One other thing - while you have a chance, secure your important documents from your parents - Birth certificate, SS card, driver's license, etc. - and have those safely stored away where your parents can't get to them. I can foresee them getting angry enough to withhold them from you."
"Also, if you don't have YOUR OWN bank account in a BANK OTHER THAN YOUR PARENTS, you should open one up so they can't use money to leverage against you. If their name is on the account, legally it is not 'stealing' if they take all the money out. Better to go elsewhere to bank."– Tarik861
"Firstly, Congratulations 🎉🎉👏👏🎉🎉👏👏!!! College is a chance to learn how to live and who you are. This will give you a chance to have fun and start building support systems that are about you."
"Study hard, develop a skill set whereby you can be independent of your family. Don't ever live in their house again. Stay out in the light. Don't go back to living in your sister's shadow. I'm so proud of you. You can do it!!!!" – Maleficent-Ear3571
"Your parents have mental disorder. Whatever grief made it...the fact that they stayed together and they feed off each other. It is a form of 'folie a deux'. It is a real disorder, and they pretend that Emily exists. They literally dismiss that you are in fact exist, as much as they can."
"Any attempt on anyone's part the break it to them that Emily is in fact dead is extremely painful and they feed each other this lie ... And to you. No, you don't know Emily and You don't like or love Emily because she was't living for you...but your parents MADE her live. To hang photos of dead child everywhere around a live one is horrendous child abuse."
"To face the fact that their child has long gone....they can't do that...they could have made another Emily by now...They have you, but as a son, you are not Emily....My advice would be ...be practical, next time take the photos, throw them to the nearest garbage ...if they ask, tell them they are lost...and you need to find them..."
"Get your college degree and move 5 states away, from them, from Emily and the rest of the coddling relatives. They should have seen what was going on...You live with 2 mentally disabled parents, and they did little to elevate it. " – Holiday_End_3628
"You're NTA but it won't matter. You're going to receive one of those framed photos in the mail from your parents shortly, I'm sure of it. Put it in the closet or whatever. If you talk to your parents anymore, I would refuse to talk to them about that topic. At all."
"Pretend they didn't ask or mention it and talk about your classes and the friends you're meeting and the club you've joined then after a bit okaythanksforcallingbyebye and hang up. Every time." – rpsls
Overall, Redditors encouraged the OP to prepare herself to be more independent in case her parents don't make a significant effort to be more attentive and loving towards her, which could be achieved by seeking a mental health professional.
Redditors also thought the parents' behavior was very unfair to their only surviving child.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp