Losing a child is the worst thing imaginable for parents, and it is not up to others to try and convince them the grief will end.
Those who experienced such an unimaginable heartbreak process grief differently, and compassion from family members and friends can go a long way.
One teen, however, had a difficult time dealing with her parents who suffered a loss previously.
When a recent incident caused much drama, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Cautious_Amount7421 asked:
“AITA for refusing to take a photo of my sister to college with me?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Before my parents had me (18 m[ale]) they had my sister ‘Emily’. Emily was 3 years older than me and she died when I was a few months old. My parents never recovered.”
“My whole childhood I was in the shadows of the child they lost. I get that grief does things to people and that losing a child is the worst loss a parent can suffer, but it was like I didn’t exist most of the time.”
“They talked about Emily all the time. Sometimes they could acknowledge she was gone but more often than not she was talked about like she was still around. The most attention I got from my parents is when they force fed words about how much I loved Emily.”
“It never came natural for me to say ‘I love Emily and I miss her so much’. I didn’t know Emily. But I did feel haunted by her.”
The OP continued:
“I had a big photo of Emily on the wall opposite my bed growing up. They wanted me to fall asleep to my sister looking over me. It always felt creepy. But they had photos of her in every room, even the bathroom.”
“I remember trying to take the photo in my room down and my parents had a hugely explosive reaction. Like I’m talking they yelled so loud the neighbors came to check on us.”
“Emily’s room was never touched after she died and sometimes my parents would sit in there for hours sometimes. I was also forced to sit with them in there sometimes. But I had to be very careful because I couldn’t touch anything or make the room filthy.”
The impact of Emily’s loss was felt by other members of the family.
“Extended family were always so caught between being nicer to me to try and make up for my parents or coddling my parents and putting the weight of their grief and Emily’s death on my shoulders.”
“They would tell me not to be so harsh on my parents when they (my parents) would let me down. My parents could never celebrate anything I did. My extended family tried to fill that gap… but sometimes it felt like they came just to lecture me about compassion and understanding.”
“I did good through school despite getting no help or support from my parents and I got a full scholarship to college. Before I left, my extended family came over to say goodbye and ‘celebrate’ a little because there could be no celebrating me at my parent’s house.”
It all culminated in this moment.
“My parents had these photos of Emily for me to take. They told me I’d need them for my dorm. But I left them behind. I didn’t want to take photos of Emily. I wanted to get away from them, which might seem really unfair.”
“My parents realized the next day and I got a text from my dad calling me all sorts of names for leaving them behind. Then my extended family said I could have taken one and should, because Emily is still my sister and I should still try to ‘remember’ her for my parents sake if not mine.”
“AITA”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA – 1) Your Parents need therapy to help them. Grieving, while it has no time frame, they never allowed themselves to heal and move on. (I hesitate to put this – put you might even benefit from at least talking to someone outside your family about this too – they might be able to help with the following)”
“2) You need to just tell them exactly how you feel, and remind them you never knew Emily – yes she will always be your angel sister but you have no connection to her and they need to realize that.”
“3) you also need to tell anyone who says you were wrong where to go and explain exactly why, if they can’t respect you as an adult which you are for making a decision for yourself and your own mental health then you don’t need them.” – Lunar-Eclipse0204
“I can’t talk to my parents about it. The reaction when they saw me moving the photo or trying to was bad enough. But if I actually say anything that they feel is too dismissive of Emily, it won’t end any better.”
“They are not people I can talk to. We never had a real conversation before.” – OP
“I think this separation will be good for you, OP. Take this opportunity to get to know yourself and what you want, and keep your contact with your parents as limited as you want.”
“Either they’ll realize that they were wrong to raise you the way they did, or they won’t, but I think you’re right that they won’t listen to your explanations, at least not now.”
“Your extended family, though, that’s another story. Anybody who reaches out to you to try to defend your parents or convince you to keep coddling them should get a full explanation of what it was like to be a child in that house. Be as angry and honest as you want.”
“Don’t let your extended family get away with trying to make you into your parents’ emotional support child. You’re the one that needed emotional support that you never got, and your extended family’s refusal to hold your parents accountable is part of the reason why.” – readthethings13579
“You might work on a written statement regarding this so you can respond to texts without having to relive everything. Create your answer, and when the flying monkeys come around, zap that back to them.”
“One other thing – while you have a chance, secure your important documents from your parents – Birth certificate, SS card, driver’s license, etc. – and have those safely stored away where your parents can’t get to them. I can foresee them getting angry enough to withhold them from you.”
“Also, if you don’t have YOUR OWN bank account in a BANK OTHER THAN YOUR PARENTS, you should open one up so they can’t use money to leverage against you. If their name is on the account, legally it is not ‘stealing’ if they take all the money out. Better to go elsewhere to bank.”– Tarik861
“Firstly, Congratulations 🎉🎉👏👏🎉🎉👏👏!!! College is a chance to learn how to live and who you are. This will give you a chance to have fun and start building support systems that are about you.”
“Study hard, develop a skill set whereby you can be independent of your family. Don’t ever live in their house again. Stay out in the light. Don’t go back to living in your sister’s shadow. I’m so proud of you. You can do it!!!!” – Maleficent-Ear3571
“Your parents have mental disorder. Whatever grief made it…the fact that they stayed together and they feed off each other. It is a form of ‘folie a deux’. It is a real disorder, and they pretend that Emily exists. They literally dismiss that you are in fact exist, as much as they can.”
“Any attempt on anyone’s part the break it to them that Emily is in fact dead is extremely painful and they feed each other this lie … And to you. No, you don’t know Emily and You don’t like or love Emily because she was’t living for you…but your parents MADE her live. To hang photos of dead child everywhere around a live one is horrendous child abuse.”
“To face the fact that their child has long gone….they can’t do that…they could have made another Emily by now…They have you, but as a son, you are not Emily….My advice would be …be practical, next time take the photos, throw them to the nearest garbage …if they ask, tell them they are lost…and you need to find them…”
“Get your college degree and move 5 states away, from them, from Emily and the rest of the coddling relatives. They should have seen what was going on…You live with 2 mentally disabled parents, and they did little to elevate it. “ – Holiday_End_3628
“You’re NTA but it won’t matter. You’re going to receive one of those framed photos in the mail from your parents shortly, I’m sure of it. Put it in the closet or whatever. If you talk to your parents anymore, I would refuse to talk to them about that topic. At all.”
“Pretend they didn’t ask or mention it and talk about your classes and the friends you’re meeting and the club you’ve joined then after a bit okaythanksforcallingbyebye and hang up. Every time.” – rpsls
Overall, Redditors encouraged the OP to prepare herself to be more independent in case her parents don’t make a significant effort to be more attentive and loving towards her, which could be achieved by seeking a mental health professional.
Redditors also thought the parents’ behavior was very unfair to their only surviving child.