Marriage, friends, and lovers... that can be a combustible combination.
Sometimes people can't control how they feel internally about other people.
Husbands can take a liking to their wife's friends.
Wives can feel something extra about their husband's brother.
Life can all be very "Daytime Soap Opera" now and again.
But once these issues spill over into outside relationships, there can be a lot of hurt feelings.
Redditor suziewoozie420 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for continuing to wear makeup and dress in my normal style around a friend who thinks her husband has a crush on me?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (29 F[emale]) friend (31 F) has told me that her husband (35 M[ale]) has a crush on me and has recently told her that he fantasizes about me."
"This already makes me feel very awkward but now she has asked if I can stop wearing makeup and wear baggy clothes around him."
"We went out for dinner last night at a reasonably expensive restaurant with a few others (7 of us in total) and she texted me when I got home saying she was angry at me for 'looking hot' after she asked me to not wear makeup."
"She's my friend and I want to do the right thing but there's nothing I could wear that is baggy that would have suited the restaurant we were in (Michelin star)."
"My style is very conservative and I was wearing a very average dress with heels."
"I've written out several responses ranging from an apology to being quite rude but wanted to sense check my thoughts here before I go back to her."
"I don't want to make life difficult for her but what she's asking for feels unreasonable."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. But I would stay away from both of them."
"He's a creep."
"She feels like she has to put up with a creep." ~ Maximum-Company2719
"Anyway, total NTA."
"For one thing, I don't think it's possible to dress appropriately for a nice restaurant without looking 'hot' to someone who already finds you attractive."
"And more generally, as long as you're not hitting on the husband, or intentionally dressing provocatively to catch his attention (which it sounds like you're not), then this is a her problem, not a you problem."
"Here's another point: why on earth did she tell you that her husband has the hots for you?"
"Completely inappropriate, this is something to be handled within the marriage." ~ CoverCharacter8179
"NTA. But personally, that would be the end of the friendship because it's weird she's asking you to change and not addressing her husband for the disrespect." ~ Mango_shadow44
"Seriously, this guy should be uninvited to outings with friends."
"Tell her not to bring her lecherous husband around you anymore, that he makes you uncomfortable now that she told you about his crush/fantasies."
"You can't un-hear them now and have no intention of humoring him and that you like the way you dress/look and are not doing it for HIM."
"He can go kick rocks." ~Val-B-Que
"You are not responsible for his fantasies, his attractions, or his behaviors in general."
"This is totally a HIM problem."
"I'm sorry her husband is disrespectful of her and has no control over his libido."
"But she needs to take up her issue with its source, not its target."
"They need to seek out marriage counseling and she needs to figure out if this behavior is something she can live with."
"This is like schools blaming girls clothing for distracting boys from their studies."
"It's the lack of self-control and discipline that is the problem, not how the girls dress."
"Once upon a time, it was scandalous for a woman to show her ankles, because it was said to tempt men."
"🙄 If a person is going to cheat, they will find a justification, because they want something and aren't able to tell themselves no."
"I would suggest talking to her and letting her know she needs to stop victim blaming and focus on the problem at its source."
"If she is unable to accept that then I think perhaps she isn't as good a friend as you thought."
"NTA - Honestly, who tells their wife they are attracted to one of their friends?"
"That is seriously messed up on many levels."
"There is something odd going on in that relationship."
"If I did that to my wife, she would absolutely tell me she was filing for divorce and to get out of our house."
"And I would have to agree with her because that has to be a devastating thing to hear." ~ False-Importance-741
"NTA. If she thinks it's okay to ask a friend to wear baggy clothing to dinner out with a group, she should feel more than comfortable telling her husband not to look."
"In fact, with her absolute audacity, she could tell him to wear a blindfold."
"It feels unreasonable because it is."
"Even telling you about this was gross, asking you to manage it for her, at your own expense, is worse."
"In fact, how about she leave her man at home, since apparently he can't stop himself from being creepy about her friends?"
"Or she's the one being creepy, either way, it's not yours to manage." ~ dryadduinath
"NTA. If you're friend's so concerned, she's free to dress better than you."
"But this is ultimately a her-problem, and very much not a you-problem." ~ StAlvis
"Her husband is an AH for telling her he has the hots for you."
"She's an AH for then telling you, and expecting you to completely change how you look around her husband."
"You're absolutely NTA for any part of this." ~ Dazzler3623
"I would have thought that if OP actually had changed her dress as requested (a) she would be tacitly agreeing that her friend's husband's creeping problem really IS her responsibility and..."
"(b) I bet the creepy husband would have seriously gotten off on the fact he could manipulate *two* women at the same time..."
"Don't do it OP."
"Don't get enmeshed in a seriously unhealthy relationship dynamic." ~ cynical_old_mare
"NTA. If you're not trying to purposefully provoke or flirt with the husband, how you dress is your business."
"If she's having problems in her marriage, she needs to deal with those with her husband directly."
"She's only mad at you because you're physically available in front of her to take out her frustrations on."
"If her husband IS having attraction issues about how you look, well if it wasn't you, it would be any millions of women on the internet via certain only or hubs of notoriety." ~ neophenx
"It could be because he's seen OP's naked photos on here maybe?"
"There's several on her profile."
"If he's seen those and the wife knows I can understand her feeling insecure BUT that's for her and her husband to deal with and not OP."
"She can wear what she wants, look how she wants, and do what she wants without someone in her friend group being creepy AF!" ~ MilfyMacca
"NTA. HE is the one who needs to modify his behavior not YOU."
"Why are women being asked to cover up or dress differently when actually HE needs to stay home if he can't behave himself to the satisfaction of his partner?"
"The fact that he told his wife that he feels that way about you borders on deep unkindness by him."
"You might wish to let her know that you would never be interested in someone who is so unkind."
"That might cool his jets and stop his troublemaking."
"Also, your poor friend must be feeling very insecure and because she can't resolve it with him, she's transferring her anxiety onto you which is completely unfair."
"When men misbehave, women often get blamed."
"However, YWBTA if you are secretly enjoying being his secret crush in which case I would caution against it." ~ magsy3
"NTA. Her husband's behavior is not your responsibility."
"It's his responsibility alone."
"If she doesn't trust him then she shouldn't be with him." ~ Garfeelzokay
"NTA... it's kind of funny that she thinks you dressing differently will change how her husband is attracted to you."
"She has internal problems that cannot be fixed by external solutions."
"She also has no right to tell you what to wear or how to look."
"Her husband is the main problem, but she makes up a good chunk of it by being an A-hole to you, who is innocent in this." ~ crumbling_cake
"NTA. Her life is being made difficult by her husband and herself, not you."
'It is not on you to change a damn thing so she can salvage her relationship with her a**hole husband." ~ uttersolitude
OP came back with a few updates...
"Thank you so much for all of your responses."
"It's 4:21 am here in the UK so I will write out and send a response tomorrow and will update you all on here."
"Sorry, I can't respond to everyone."
"I didn't expect so many responses."
"While I was reading your responses, he just liked an old Instagram pic from way back (bikini pic!)."
"He is now blocked."
FINAL UPDATE...
"I responded with the following: 'Sorry it's taken me a while to reply but I wanted to consider this properly and not react emotively.'"
"'I'm sorry you feel that way but I don't think it's fair or reasonable to ask me to change how I look because of your husband.'"
"'My advice is to speak to (husband's name) and work on your relationship because projecting your issues onto me isn't going to help you, but it will damage our friendship.'"
"'You have nothing to be insecure about; you're the most beautiful person inside and out I've ever met.'"
"'I'm here for you if you want to talk through it, but ultimately, I can't help it if I'm smoking hot (just kidding). Xxx.'"
"5 minutes after I pressed send she knocked on my door (she was already on her way) with a bunch of flowers and cried and gave me a hug while apologizing."
"She told me they were having problems, and it was wrong of her to take it out on me."
"We've had a long chat, and I'm going to be there to support my friend."
"Thank you all for your input; you all helped so much!!"
ADDITIONAL INFO...
"I've had a lot of people message me asking if they can post my story elsewhere, including a couple of reporters, etc."
"I really don't want to exploit my friend's marriage so I don't mind if you use it but please keep me anonymous."
"Also, WTF?!"
"I can't believe so many people care or have an opinion about my boring issue. X."
You are in the correct OP.
Reddit believes that to be true.
Your friend needs to get to a therapist quickly and evaluate her life.
She doesn't get to make this request of you.
But you knew all of that already.
Good for you.
So happy your friend is getting help.
Good luck to her.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp