Marriage, friends, and lovers… that can be a combustible combination.
Sometimes people can’t control how they feel internally about other people.
Husbands can take a liking to their wife’s friends.
Wives can feel something extra about their husband’s brother.
Life can all be very “Daytime Soap Opera” now and again.
But once these issues spill over into outside relationships, there can be a lot of hurt feelings.
Redditor suziewoozie420 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for continuing to wear makeup and dress in my normal style around a friend who thinks her husband has a crush on me?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (29 F[emale]) friend (31 F) has told me that her husband (35 M[ale]) has a crush on me and has recently told her that he fantasizes about me.”
“This already makes me feel very awkward but now she has asked if I can stop wearing makeup and wear baggy clothes around him.”
“We went out for dinner last night at a reasonably expensive restaurant with a few others (7 of us in total) and she texted me when I got home saying she was angry at me for ‘looking hot’ after she asked me to not wear makeup.”
“She’s my friend and I want to do the right thing but there’s nothing I could wear that is baggy that would have suited the restaurant we were in (Michelin star).”
“My style is very conservative and I was wearing a very average dress with heels.”
“I’ve written out several responses ranging from an apology to being quite rude but wanted to sense check my thoughts here before I go back to her.”
“I don’t want to make life difficult for her but what she’s asking for feels unreasonable.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. But I would stay away from both of them.”
“He’s a creep.”
“She feels like she has to put up with a creep.” ~ Maximum-Company2719
“Anyway, total NTA.”
“For one thing, I don’t think it’s possible to dress appropriately for a nice restaurant without looking ‘hot’ to someone who already finds you attractive.”
“And more generally, as long as you’re not hitting on the husband, or intentionally dressing provocatively to catch his attention (which it sounds like you’re not), then this is a her problem, not a you problem.”
“Here’s another point: why on earth did she tell you that her husband has the hots for you?”
“Completely inappropriate, this is something to be handled within the marriage.” ~ CoverCharacter8179
“NTA. But personally, that would be the end of the friendship because it’s weird she’s asking you to change and not addressing her husband for the disrespect.” ~ Mango_shadow44
“Seriously, this guy should be uninvited to outings with friends.”
“Tell her not to bring her lecherous husband around you anymore, that he makes you uncomfortable now that she told you about his crush/fantasies.”
“You can’t un-hear them now and have no intention of humoring him and that you like the way you dress/look and are not doing it for HIM.”
“He can go kick rocks.” ~Val-B-Que
“You are not responsible for his fantasies, his attractions, or his behaviors in general.”
“This is totally a HIM problem.”
“I’m sorry her husband is disrespectful of her and has no control over his libido.”
“But she needs to take up her issue with its source, not its target.”
“They need to seek out marriage counseling and she needs to figure out if this behavior is something she can live with.”
“This is like schools blaming girls clothing for distracting boys from their studies.”
“It’s the lack of self-control and discipline that is the problem, not how the girls dress.”
“Once upon a time, it was scandalous for a woman to show her ankles, because it was said to tempt men.”
“🙄 If a person is going to cheat, they will find a justification, because they want something and aren’t able to tell themselves no.”
“I would suggest talking to her and letting her know she needs to stop victim blaming and focus on the problem at its source.”
“If she is unable to accept that then I think perhaps she isn’t as good a friend as you thought.”
“NTA – Honestly, who tells their wife they are attracted to one of their friends?”
“That is seriously messed up on many levels.”
“There is something odd going on in that relationship.”
“If I did that to my wife, she would absolutely tell me she was filing for divorce and to get out of our house.”
“And I would have to agree with her because that has to be a devastating thing to hear.” ~ False-Importance-741
“NTA. If she thinks it’s okay to ask a friend to wear baggy clothing to dinner out with a group, she should feel more than comfortable telling her husband not to look.”
“In fact, with her absolute audacity, she could tell him to wear a blindfold.”
“It feels unreasonable because it is.”
“Even telling you about this was gross, asking you to manage it for her, at your own expense, is worse.”
“In fact, how about she leave her man at home, since apparently he can’t stop himself from being creepy about her friends?”
“Or she’s the one being creepy, either way, it’s not yours to manage.” ~ dryadduinath
“NTA. If you’re friend’s so concerned, she’s free to dress better than you.”
“But this is ultimately a her-problem, and very much not a you-problem.” ~ StAlvis
“Her husband is an AH for telling her he has the hots for you.”
“She’s an AH for then telling you, and expecting you to completely change how you look around her husband.”
“You’re absolutely NTA for any part of this.” ~ Dazzler3623
“I would have thought that if OP actually had changed her dress as requested (a) she would be tacitly agreeing that her friend’s husband’s creeping problem really IS her responsibility and…”
“(b) I bet the creepy husband would have seriously gotten off on the fact he could manipulate *two* women at the same time…”
“Don’t do it OP.”
“Don’t get enmeshed in a seriously unhealthy relationship dynamic.” ~ cynical_old_mare
“NTA. If you’re not trying to purposefully provoke or flirt with the husband, how you dress is your business.”
“If she’s having problems in her marriage, she needs to deal with those with her husband directly.”
“She’s only mad at you because you’re physically available in front of her to take out her frustrations on.”
“If her husband IS having attraction issues about how you look, well if it wasn’t you, it would be any millions of women on the internet via certain only or hubs of notoriety.” ~ neophenx
“It could be because he’s seen OP’s naked photos on here maybe?”
“There’s several on her profile.”
“If he’s seen those and the wife knows I can understand her feeling insecure BUT that’s for her and her husband to deal with and not OP.”
“She can wear what she wants, look how she wants, and do what she wants without someone in her friend group being creepy AF!” ~ MilfyMacca
“NTA. HE is the one who needs to modify his behavior not YOU.”
“Why are women being asked to cover up or dress differently when actually HE needs to stay home if he can’t behave himself to the satisfaction of his partner?”
“The fact that he told his wife that he feels that way about you borders on deep unkindness by him.”
“You might wish to let her know that you would never be interested in someone who is so unkind.”
“That might cool his jets and stop his troublemaking.”
“Also, your poor friend must be feeling very insecure and because she can’t resolve it with him, she’s transferring her anxiety onto you which is completely unfair.”
“When men misbehave, women often get blamed.”
“However, YWBTA if you are secretly enjoying being his secret crush in which case I would caution against it.” ~ magsy3
“NTA. Her husband’s behavior is not your responsibility.”
“It’s his responsibility alone.”
“If she doesn’t trust him then she shouldn’t be with him.” ~ Garfeelzokay
“NTA… it’s kind of funny that she thinks you dressing differently will change how her husband is attracted to you.”
“She has internal problems that cannot be fixed by external solutions.”
“She also has no right to tell you what to wear or how to look.”
“Her husband is the main problem, but she makes up a good chunk of it by being an A-hole to you, who is innocent in this.” ~ crumbling_cake
“NTA. Her life is being made difficult by her husband and herself, not you.”
‘It is not on you to change a damn thing so she can salvage her relationship with her a**hole husband.” ~ uttersolitude
OP came back with a few updates…
“Thank you so much for all of your responses.”
“It’s 4:21 am here in the UK so I will write out and send a response tomorrow and will update you all on here.”
“Sorry, I can’t respond to everyone.”
“I didn’t expect so many responses.”
“While I was reading your responses, he just liked an old Instagram pic from way back (bikini pic!).”
“He is now blocked.”
FINAL UPDATE…
“I responded with the following: ‘Sorry it’s taken me a while to reply but I wanted to consider this properly and not react emotively.'”
“‘I’m sorry you feel that way but I don’t think it’s fair or reasonable to ask me to change how I look because of your husband.'”
“‘My advice is to speak to (husband’s name) and work on your relationship because projecting your issues onto me isn’t going to help you, but it will damage our friendship.'”
“‘You have nothing to be insecure about; you’re the most beautiful person inside and out I’ve ever met.'”
“‘I’m here for you if you want to talk through it, but ultimately, I can’t help it if I’m smoking hot (just kidding). Xxx.'”
“5 minutes after I pressed send she knocked on my door (she was already on her way) with a bunch of flowers and cried and gave me a hug while apologizing.”
“She told me they were having problems, and it was wrong of her to take it out on me.”
“We’ve had a long chat, and I’m going to be there to support my friend.”
“Thank you all for your input; you all helped so much!!”
ADDITIONAL INFO…
“I’ve had a lot of people message me asking if they can post my story elsewhere, including a couple of reporters, etc.”
“I really don’t want to exploit my friend’s marriage so I don’t mind if you use it but please keep me anonymous.”
“Also, WTF?!”
“I can’t believe so many people care or have an opinion about my boring issue. X.”
You are in the correct OP.
Reddit believes that to be true.
Your friend needs to get to a therapist quickly and evaluate her life.
She doesn’t get to make this request of you.
But you knew all of that already.
Good for you.
So happy your friend is getting help.
Good luck to her.