To gift, or not to gift... that is the question. At least it is for one Redditor.
According to multiple wedding etiquette resources, there are general gifting guidelines to remember when you're invited to a wedding.
- Check the Registry: always refer to a couple's wedding registry for appropriate gifts
- Send Gifts, Don't Bring Them: modern etiquette dictates guests mail gifts to the couple's address instead of bringing them to the wedding or reception venue
- Timeliness: try to send your gift within a couple of months of the wedding date
- Cash is Always Acceptable: giving cash, a check, or a prepaid debit card is an acceptable gift option
- Group Gifting: group gifting for larger items, where multiple guests contribute to a single expensive gift, is acceptable
- Charitable Donations: honor the request if couples prefer donations to their favorite charity instead of gifts
- Don't Feel Obligated: wedding gifts are a thoughtful gesture but never a requirement
A family member struggling with that last gifting guideline—is no gift ever OK?—turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback on the future "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA) situation they're facing.
EarlGreyHot21 asked:
"WIBTA if I didn't bring a gift to a wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My cousin's daughter is remarrying her ex-husband. They have worked out their differences after their divorce and want to give it another try."
"That's great!"
"However, they are having another wedding ceremony and reception. They received a lot of what a new couple needs and bought whatever else they needed while they were married."
"Having been divorced for a few years, they now have duplicates of a lot of stuff."
"WIBTA if I attended but did not bring a gift?"
"I'm just wondering about the etiquette regarding a gift for a second full-on wedding and reception to the same person. I gave well the first time around, and we saw what happened that time."
"I think it's great that they want to try again, but another full-on wedding? Maybe I'm just old."
"If I were truly an a**hole, I would wrap up a picture from their first wedding as a gift."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I could be generous and provide a second gift, or I could say that marrying the same person disqualifies you from another wedding gift."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA/NBTA), although many opted to offer gift suggestions instead of judgment.
"Are they having like a full-out wedding? Or is it more of a casual thing? Personally, I think etiquette is a little flexible in this situation, but if they are having a reception, I'd bring a token gift."
"Even just a nice bottle of wine, maybe with some kind of clever tag about them getting married again, like 'cheers to round two!' or something stupid like that." ~ Stranger0nReddit
"NTA. Truthfully, I just wouldn't go. I'd be embarrassed if I were them throwing another wedding after divorcing each other the first time."
"You want to get back together fine—but if you want to make it legal, go to the courthouse or have a small gathering of just immediate family. That's tacky." ~ Majestic_Shoe5175
"Right? I would maybe at most have a backyard BBQ to celebrate." ~ LLD615
"Meh, judge away, but I have no issue with it. That said, my gift would be a donation to like an animal shelter in their name with a nice card wishing them well." ~ Chickpea7447
"When I married in my late 30s, the invitations all said that the only gift we needed was their presence to celebrate. I had a few people contact me about gifts."
"I said that we were combining two adult households and had already had two garage sales so we honestly didn't need or want any gifts. We just wanted them to come and have a good time."
"Even 20 years later, I was told it was the most fun wedding most had attended." ~ WildBlue2525Potato
"If it was me getting remarried, I would be doing it quietly at City Hall and have a party afterwards, but stress that I didn't want gifts since we were remarrying." ~ Celticlady47
"A gift should never be expected, and in this case it sounds like they might not need much. That said, it's fairly customary to bring something."
"At the very least, I'd say bring a card with a nice note. Feel free to drop a gift card to a restaurant they like or something in there as well." ~ EvilSockLady
"100% correct that a gift should never be expected."
"But, of course, it often is."
"A bottle of champagne or a picture frame are very appropriate gifts that can be under $50." ~ Impossible-Action-88
"Got a bottle of local wine and some wine glasses made by a local artisan for the 2nd wedding of my husband's aunt."
"They had a super-small wedding with just siblings and their children invited, but my husband and I wanted to do something special for them to celebrate. They loved it." ~ Pascale73
"UGH, it's so sad and tacky to me that we're in a place where we think of a gift as a reimbursement for the cost of being a guest to an event we were invited to." ~ Impossible-Action-88
"Normally I would say you always should give some form of a gift at a wedding (even if it's small), but this is different since it's not only a second marriage but a second marriage of the same two people."
"Technically, the right thing to do would be for the couple to say 'no gifts' on their invitation since they already received them the first time (and it sounds like it hasn't been too long since that first wedding)."
"If they didn't, I say if you want to get something, find a frame or blanket (not sure where you're located, but you can get affordable ones in the US at HomeGoods) with a card."
"But if you opt not to, you still wouldn't be an a**hole in this circumstance. NTA." ~ LLD615
"I've actually been to two weddings with the happy couple giving it another go."
"On one invite, it specifically said, 'No gifts'."
"I'd ask some relatives what they're giving as gifts. Someone mentioned gift cards. I think that's reasonable." ~ Succulent_Roses
"NTA. For what it's worth, Boomer here. Back in the day, second or subsequent weddings were quiet and intimate affairs (unless, of course, you were Elizabeth Taylor)."
"Gifts were not expected, ceremonies were simple, and any type of reception was usually a restaurant meal for the few guests."
"So, no, you would not be the a**hole (NTA) for not brining an extravagant gift. If you wish to give a small token of your good wishes for the couple, fine, but I would not consider it mandatory." ~ BunnySlayer64
"Give them something that reflects the importance of the occasion. Something cheap. Like a framed picture from their first wedding." ~ dirty_bunny_57
"Get a double frame and leave the other half empty so they can put a picture from wedding #2 in the other half." ~ christikayann
"Best get a bigger one just in case they need space for wedding #3, or more." ~ ElectricHurricane321
"So a VHS tape of their first wedding with a sticker 'be kind please rewind!' sounds appropriate." ~ Dittoheadforever
"When my mom remarried my dad, no one gave them anything. Just give them a nice card and your congratulations. NTA." ~ KaetzenOrkester
"Exactly how do you write a wedding invitation when you're remarrying someone you divorced already?"
"'We cordially invite you to the remarriage of Jane Doe, and John Doe, they've decided they can make the same mistake all over again'."
"NTA. But if you're feeling whimsical, maybe a yo-yo or a boomerang?" ~ Lizdance40
"I would think of this as a vow renewal. If you would give a gift for that, then do, and if you wouldn't give a gift for that, then don't." ~ chapteronetwo
"NTA if you don't bring a material gift, but YTA if you show up completely empty-handed."
"It's customary to bring a little something. I remember hearing years ago that the rule of thumb is bring a gift that is of equal value to your plate at the reception."
"However, since they already have all the household items they need, getting a material gift doesn't make sense."
"I would suggest either gifting cash, or getting them a gift card to a nice restaurant or one of their favorite stores, or a bottle of wine.) But as a bare minimum, bring a card." ~ Wild_Ticket1413
"NTA. I'm truly surprised they didn't specify 'No gifts expected, your presence would be a gift as we reconfirm our marriage' or whatever. Most people who marry a bit later in life after having a household, etc... say something like that."
"In addition, I don't think you have to go at all. These are all their relationship issues. They aren't entitled to an audience and a big party. It sounds like another instagram-infested decision." ~ Brennan_Boru1031
If OP does decide to bring—or send—a gift, they have plenty of suggestions now.
Ultimately, they were judged as not being an a**hole if they opt out of a gift.
It's really up to them what they want to do.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.