To gift, or not to gift... that is the question. At least it is for one Redditor.
According to multiple wedding etiquette resources, there are general gifting guidelines to remember when you're invited to a wedding.
- Check the Registry: always refer to a couple's wedding registry for appropriate gifts
- Send Gifts, Don't Bring Them: modern etiquette dictates guests mail gifts to the couple's address instead of bringing them to the wedding or reception venue
- Timeliness: try to send your gift within a couple of months of the wedding date
- Cash is Always Acceptable: giving cash, a check, or a prepaid debit card is an acceptable gift option
- Group Gifting: group gifting for larger items, where multiple guests contribute to a single expensive gift, is acceptable
- Charitable Donations: honor the request if couples prefer donations to their favorite charity instead of gifts
- Don't Feel Obligated: wedding gifts are a thoughtful gesture but never a requirement
A family member struggling with that last gifting guideline—is no gift ever OK?—turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback on the future "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA) situation they're facing.
EarlGreyHot21 asked:
"WIBTA if I didn't bring a gift to a wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My cousin's daughter is remarrying her ex-husband. They have worked out their differences after their divorce and want to give it another try."
"That's great!"
"However, they are having another wedding ceremony and reception. They received a lot of what a new couple needs and bought whatever else they needed while they were married."
"Having been divorced for a few years, they now have duplicates of a lot of stuff."
"WIBTA if I attended but did not bring a gift?"
"I'm just wondering about the etiquette regarding a gift for a second full-on wedding and reception to the same person. I gave well the first time around, and we saw what happened that time."
"I think it's great that they want to try again, but another full-on wedding? Maybe I'm just old."
"If I were truly an a**hole, I would wrap up a picture from their first wedding as a gift."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I could be generous and provide a second gift, or I could say that marrying the same person disqualifies you from another wedding gift."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA/NBTA), although many opted to offer gift suggestions instead of judgment.
"Are they having like a full-out wedding? Or is it more of a casual thing? Personally, I think etiquette is a little flexible in this situation, but if they are having a reception, I'd bring a token gift."
"Even just a nice bottle of wine, maybe with some kind of clever tag about them getting married again, like 'cheers to round two!' or something stupid like that." ~ Stranger0nReddit
"NTA. Truthfully, I just wouldn't go. I'd be embarrassed if I were them throwing another wedding after divorcing each other the first time."
"You want to get back together fine—but if you want to make it legal, go to the courthouse or have a small gathering of just immediate family. That's tacky." ~ Majestic_Shoe5175
"Right? I would maybe at most have a backyard BBQ to celebrate." ~ LLD615
"Meh, judge away, but I have no issue with it. That said, my gift would be a donation to like an animal shelter in their name with a nice card wishing them well." ~ Chickpea7447
"When I married in my late 30s, the invitations all said that the only gift we needed was their presence to celebrate. I had a few people contact me about gifts."
"I said that we were combining two adult households and had already had two garage sales so we honestly didn't need or want any gifts. We just wanted them to come and have a good time."
"Even 20 years later, I was told it was the most fun wedding most had attended." ~ WildBlue2525Potato
"If it was me getting remarried, I would be doing it quietly at City Hall and have a party afterwards, but stress that I didn't want gifts since we were remarrying." ~ Celticlady47
"A gift should never be expected, and in this case it sounds like they might not need much. That said, it's fairly customary to bring something."
"At the very least, I'd say bring a card with a nice note. Feel free to drop a gift card to a restaurant they like or something in there as well." ~ EvilSockLady
"100% correct that a gift should never be expected."
"But, of course, it often is."
"A bottle of champagne or a picture frame are very appropriate gifts that can be under $50." ~ Impossible-Action-88
"Got a bottle of local wine and some wine glasses made by a local artisan for the 2nd wedding of my husband's aunt."
"They had a super-small wedding with just siblings and their children invited, but my husband and I wanted to do something special for them to celebrate. They loved it." ~ Pascale73
"UGH, it's so sad and tacky to me that we're in a place where we think of a gift as a reimbursement for the cost of being a guest to an event we were invited to." ~ Impossible-Action-88
"Normally I would say you always should give some form of a gift at a wedding (even if it's small), but this is different since it's not only a second marriage but a second marriage of the same two people."
"Technically, the right thing to do would be for the couple to say 'no gifts' on their invitation since they already received them the first time (and it sounds like it hasn't been too long since that first wedding)."
"If they didn't, I say if you want to get something, find a frame or blanket (not sure where you're located, but you can get affordable ones in the US at HomeGoods) with a card."
"But if you opt not to, you still wouldn't be an a**hole in this circumstance. NTA." ~ LLD615
"I've actually been to two weddings with the happy couple giving it another go."
"On one invite, it specifically said, 'No gifts'."
"I'd ask some relatives what they're giving as gifts. Someone mentioned gift cards. I think that's reasonable." ~ Succulent_Roses
"NTA. For what it's worth, Boomer here. Back in the day, second or subsequent weddings were quiet and intimate affairs (unless, of course, you were Elizabeth Taylor)."
"Gifts were not expected, ceremonies were simple, and any type of reception was usually a restaurant meal for the few guests."
"So, no, you would not be the a**hole (NTA) for not brining an extravagant gift. If you wish to give a small token of your good wishes for the couple, fine, but I would not consider it mandatory." ~ BunnySlayer64
"Give them something that reflects the importance of the occasion. Something cheap. Like a framed picture from their first wedding." ~ dirty_bunny_57
"Get a double frame and leave the other half empty so they can put a picture from wedding #2 in the other half." ~ christikayann
"Best get a bigger one just in case they need space for wedding #3, or more." ~ ElectricHurricane321
"So a VHS tape of their first wedding with a sticker 'be kind please rewind!' sounds appropriate." ~ Dittoheadforever
"When my mom remarried my dad, no one gave them anything. Just give them a nice card and your congratulations. NTA." ~ KaetzenOrkester
"Exactly how do you write a wedding invitation when you're remarrying someone you divorced already?"
"'We cordially invite you to the remarriage of Jane Doe, and John Doe, they've decided they can make the same mistake all over again'."
"NTA. But if you're feeling whimsical, maybe a yo-yo or a boomerang?" ~ Lizdance40
"I would think of this as a vow renewal. If you would give a gift for that, then do, and if you wouldn't give a gift for that, then don't." ~ chapteronetwo
"NTA if you don't bring a material gift, but YTA if you show up completely empty-handed."
"It's customary to bring a little something. I remember hearing years ago that the rule of thumb is bring a gift that is of equal value to your plate at the reception."
"However, since they already have all the household items they need, getting a material gift doesn't make sense."
"I would suggest either gifting cash, or getting them a gift card to a nice restaurant or one of their favorite stores, or a bottle of wine.) But as a bare minimum, bring a card." ~ Wild_Ticket1413
"NTA. I'm truly surprised they didn't specify 'No gifts expected, your presence would be a gift as we reconfirm our marriage' or whatever. Most people who marry a bit later in life after having a household, etc... say something like that."
"In addition, I don't think you have to go at all. These are all their relationship issues. They aren't entitled to an audience and a big party. It sounds like another instagram-infested decision." ~ Brennan_Boru1031
If OP does decide to bring—or send—a gift, they have plenty of suggestions now.
Ultimately, they were judged as not being an a**hole if they opt out of a gift.
It's really up to them what they want to do.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp