There are a few universal rules, and one of them is without a doubt, "Never ask a woman if she's pregnant or how far along she is."
Bodies are all different, and some women might be carrying weight in a way that mirrors pregnancy; they may have just had a baby; or they may have even miscarried. There are too many possibilities to simply assume "pregnant" every time, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Add_Debate's wife had recently gained some weight, and while he reassured her that she was beautiful and he loved her, he knew that she felt insecure about her appearance.
When his parents visited for the first time in a while, his mother assumed that his wife was pregnant and even grabbed her belly, causing the Original Poster (OP) to quickly escort his parents out and ask them to reschedule.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for asking my parents to leave after my mom grabbed my wife's belly and asked if she was pregnant?"
The OP's wife had recently gain weight, and he did what he could to be supportive.
"My (29 Male) beautiful wife (30 Female) had gained a significant amount of weight after our wedding."
"I think she's gorgeous but she's insecure about how she looks now."
When the OP's parents came to visit, there was an unfortunate misunderstanding.
"My mom (49 Female) and dad (53 Male) had bought a house that is an hour drive from us."
"The four of us were supposed to have a lovely dinner at my home. My parent had arrived early and my wife hadn't changed out of her cooking clothes yet. She was wearing a tight tshirt."
"My mom saw my wife, and then my mom grabbed my wife's belly and asked my wife if she was pregnant."
:My wife said no and said that she's just getting fat."
"I didn't want a massive argument so I rushed my parents out. Basically telling them we have reschedule, congratulations on the new house, and we'll save them some food. I then assured my wife as she started to cry."
The OP's parents called him out on his behavior.
"Several days later, I talked to my parents by myself. My mom said that she had made a mistake but I had taken it too far by asking them to leave."
"I basically explained that I only seen that evening getting worse."
"My dad said that by not allowing my mom to apologize on that day, that I made them seem like jerks to my wife."
"I told my parents my mom can apologize now, but my parents say that now it will seem to my wife that they're apologizing because I told them to."
"Am I overreacting?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some pointed out that the OP's parents could have handled the situation better.
"Grabbing someone without their permission/consent is actually a crime, too. OP's mum is looking for trouble doing that s**t. NTA." - Elliette8
"Mom also could have blurted out an apology the moment the wife responded if she had realized her mistake. I doubt OP whisked her away so quickly that she didn't have a chance to spit out two words." - queen-of-books
"NOR. I have witnessed the same thing happen to the same woman twice and she was scarred by that remark for a long time. And as a woman, your Mother should know better than to ever ask a woman if she is preggers." - ChampionshipSad1586
"Pre-empting her pregnancy announcement is terrible in the hypothetical situation as well. If they had just been married, and she was actually pregnant, then asking and grabbing the belly not only crossed a physical boundary, but would have stolen the joy of the announcement away."
"If they ever do choose to have kids, I'd bet that the announcement to MIL is much cooler and subdued than it would have been had she never done that." - Melodic-Basshole
"I have assumed we're well into the era of 'don't touch a pregnant woman's belly' and have been for at least a generation. I know my husband feared for the safety of anyone who dared to touch mine when I was pregnant several years ago, and figured it unlikely but not impossible. No one tried, and no one died."
"Is this kind of a wayward mom-override thing where certain mothers think that rule doesn't apply to them? Or are we not as far away from the belly-grabbing days as I like to think and older people in general still think this is acceptable behavior?" - sleepdeficitzzz
"You don't ask literally anyone if they're pregnant like. Even if she was, obviously there would be a reason she didn't want to share the news. And then to grab her stomach is insane ESPECIALLY since she thought she was pregnant."
"I only had one person that I wasn't close with touch my pregnant belly without consent and they said "my baby" (surprise it was my MIL) it made me feel so disgusted by her and overprotective over my baby." - Significant-Tea9909
"Singing all the hits from the narcissist's songbook. OP did an awesome job shutting them down. I hope he continues to hold firm. His parents have already minimized what the mom did and glossed right over it. They're focusing attention OP's response to their actions, not their own actions that caused this response. They're not budging." - unexpectedcougar
"I think if the mother was that sorry she'd have called a few minutes after OP had them leave- or at the latest by the next day. You are a very good husband OP, and many husbands could learn what supporting their wife looks like from you." - Myiiadru2
"There is no way she didn't understand why she was being sent home, and could have apologized immediately if she was actually sorry."
"OP is a great husband for reacting immediately, and should keep in mind that they had every opportunity to apologize. Ignore the gaslighting and give your wife a hug from this internet stranger." - Sh33pD1p
"Woman here. I have a hard and fast rule that even if a woman is clearly giving birth in front of me, timing contractions, and a doctor is in the room preparing to deliver the baby, I DON'T COMMENT ON THE PREGNANCY unless she herself tells me she's pregnant."
"Why? Women who've recently given birth often still look pregnant. Some women choose to wear maternity clothes for comfort because they are overweight. Some women have that little belly pooch they just can't lose even if they are a regular weight. It is just a BAD idea to bring up pregnancy, period. You let the woman bring it up. If she doesn't, you keep your mouth shut."
"I've also had two coworkers excitedly share pregnancy news recently, only to miscarry soon after. That's another good practice. Even after you know a woman is pregnant, wait until she brings it up. You never know if she's having complications or has lost the baby and hasn't had the heart to discuss it yet."
"Also in response to what OP said about his mother, it was honestly weird when I was pregnant how even perfect strangers would walk up and touch my belly. Then after my son was born walk up and touch him, or worse yet, his hands (ugh germs, babies put their fingers in their mouths all day long and I don't know where your hands were or if you washed them after you used the bathroom)."
"Just keep hands and words to yourself. It's a sensitive thing for women. OP I'm sorry your wife was hurt and made to feel sensitive about her weight. Did you need to kick your parents out? Maybe, maybe not but the important thing is you did what you needed to do to make your wife feel better and that's always the right thing to do. Great job." - elp22203
Others agreed and were glad that the OP had his wife's back.
"Honestly, it's just nice to see somebody actually supporting their partner on this website. I think you're in the clear." - CourtAny6617
"NOR. You were handling the crisis at the moment, and helping who was hurt. They could always have called or texted that day. You tried your best in a hard situation. Sending my best to you and your wife!" - prettypogkenzie
"One time, my ex's mom asked if I was pregnant because of my supposed big belly in another language. He didn't stick up for me me at all and only told her no and told me what she said after she left. For reference, I was 110 pounds at this time, and this happened immediately after I just finished an at home ab workout upstairs and lifted my shirt to show him my abs coming through, all proud."
"I remember being upset he didn't stick up for me and that was something I never forgot. It's better to correct your mom for her wrongdoings rather than making your wife feel even worse about your poor reaction on top of the moms rude comment." - Puzzleheaded-Panic9
"I'm team husband all the way on this one. And for what it's worth, the parents could have called to apologize at any time. They don't get to try turning it around to make them the victim." - Fabulous-Fun-9673
"The love you have for her is felt in the first paragraph. I wish more men were as amazing as you. My boyfriend doesn't even acknowledge if I try let alone ever compliment me on a normal day." - ctrl-alt-depleted
"There's far too many posts of situations with inlaws and the partner whose parents fucked up refusing to do anything about it. This is so refreshing. NTA." - Calgary_Calico
"You had your wife's back. Never regret or apologize for being a real man and husband. Well done. Your mom had to know that was wrong. Even if she was pregnant, those words and touching was a terrible choice. Enjoy your wife!" - Mowsmom22
"Not overreacting."
"You did not stop them from apologizing the same day. They could have texted. They could have graciously left and apologized as they were getting their shoes on. There is no legitimate reason not to apologize now."
"I've been asked if I was pregnant when I wasn't. Actually many people assumed I was when I was post partum. It's humiliating and so so hurtful."
"You did the right thing by kicking them out and comforting your wife." - Technical-Mixture299
"Dude, NTA. Protecting your wife's feelings is priority number one, especially when the parents crossed a line. It's a touchy subject for most peeps, let alone someone already dealing with insecurities."
"Your mom's 'oopsie' may not have been malicious, but it was h**la thoughtless. Maybe with some time, a genuine apology might smooth things over but right now, standing by your wife is where it's at. Chin up, man. You did good." - CokeZeroClimactic
Though the OP might have been second-guessing himself a bit, the subReddit applauded him for having his wife's back and putting her comfort first.
If his parents really cared about the OP's wife and wanted to apologize for the misunderstanding, they could have done so and avoided ever being asked to leave.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp