There are a few universal rules, and one of them is without a doubt, “Never ask a woman if she’s pregnant or how far along she is.”
Bodies are all different, and some women might be carrying weight in a way that mirrors pregnancy; they may have just had a baby; or they may have even miscarried. There are too many possibilities to simply assume “pregnant” every time, pointed out the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Add_Debate’s wife had recently gained some weight, and while he reassured her that she was beautiful and he loved her, he knew that she felt insecure about her appearance.
When his parents visited for the first time in a while, his mother assumed that his wife was pregnant and even grabbed her belly, causing the Original Poster (OP) to quickly escort his parents out and ask them to reschedule.
He asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for asking my parents to leave after my mom grabbed my wife’s belly and asked if she was pregnant?”
The OP’s wife had recently gain weight, and he did what he could to be supportive.
“My (29 Male) beautiful wife (30 Female) had gained a significant amount of weight after our wedding.”
“I think she’s gorgeous but she’s insecure about how she looks now.”
When the OP’s parents came to visit, there was an unfortunate misunderstanding.
“My mom (49 Female) and dad (53 Male) had bought a house that is an hour drive from us.”
“The four of us were supposed to have a lovely dinner at my home. My parent had arrived early and my wife hadn’t changed out of her cooking clothes yet. She was wearing a tight tshirt.”
“My mom saw my wife, and then my mom grabbed my wife’s belly and asked my wife if she was pregnant.”
:My wife said no and said that she’s just getting fat.”
“I didn’t want a massive argument so I rushed my parents out. Basically telling them we have reschedule, congratulations on the new house, and we’ll save them some food. I then assured my wife as she started to cry.”
The OP’s parents called him out on his behavior.
“Several days later, I talked to my parents by myself. My mom said that she had made a mistake but I had taken it too far by asking them to leave.”
“I basically explained that I only seen that evening getting worse.”
“My dad said that by not allowing my mom to apologize on that day, that I made them seem like jerks to my wife.”
“I told my parents my mom can apologize now, but my parents say that now it will seem to my wife that they’re apologizing because I told them to.”
“Am I overreacting?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some pointed out that the OP’s parents could have handled the situation better.
“Grabbing someone without their permission/consent is actually a crime, too. OP’s mum is looking for trouble doing that s**t. NTA.” – Elliette8
“Mom also could have blurted out an apology the moment the wife responded if she had realized her mistake. I doubt OP whisked her away so quickly that she didn’t have a chance to spit out two words.” – queen-of-books
“NOR. I have witnessed the same thing happen to the same woman twice and she was scarred by that remark for a long time. And as a woman, your Mother should know better than to ever ask a woman if she is preggers.” – ChampionshipSad1586
“Pre-empting her pregnancy announcement is terrible in the hypothetical situation as well. If they had just been married, and she was actually pregnant, then asking and grabbing the belly not only crossed a physical boundary, but would have stolen the joy of the announcement away.”
“If they ever do choose to have kids, I’d bet that the announcement to MIL is much cooler and subdued than it would have been had she never done that.” – Melodic-Basshole
“I have assumed we’re well into the era of ‘don’t touch a pregnant woman’s belly’ and have been for at least a generation. I know my husband feared for the safety of anyone who dared to touch mine when I was pregnant several years ago, and figured it unlikely but not impossible. No one tried, and no one died.”
“Is this kind of a wayward mom-override thing where certain mothers think that rule doesn’t apply to them? Or are we not as far away from the belly-grabbing days as I like to think and older people in general still think this is acceptable behavior?” – sleepdeficitzzz
“You don’t ask literally anyone if they’re pregnant like. Even if she was, obviously there would be a reason she didn’t want to share the news. And then to grab her stomach is insane ESPECIALLY since she thought she was pregnant.”
“I only had one person that I wasn’t close with touch my pregnant belly without consent and they said “my baby” (surprise it was my MIL) it made me feel so disgusted by her and overprotective over my baby.” – Significant-Tea9909
“Singing all the hits from the narcissist’s songbook. OP did an awesome job shutting them down. I hope he continues to hold firm. His parents have already minimized what the mom did and glossed right over it. They’re focusing attention OP’s response to their actions, not their own actions that caused this response. They’re not budging.” – unexpectedcougar
“I think if the mother was that sorry she’d have called a few minutes after OP had them leave- or at the latest by the next day. You are a very good husband OP, and many husbands could learn what supporting their wife looks like from you.” – Myiiadru2
“There is no way she didn’t understand why she was being sent home, and could have apologized immediately if she was actually sorry.”
“OP is a great husband for reacting immediately, and should keep in mind that they had every opportunity to apologize. Ignore the gaslighting and give your wife a hug from this internet stranger.” – Sh33pD1p
“Woman here. I have a hard and fast rule that even if a woman is clearly giving birth in front of me, timing contractions, and a doctor is in the room preparing to deliver the baby, I DON’T COMMENT ON THE PREGNANCY unless she herself tells me she’s pregnant.”
“Why? Women who’ve recently given birth often still look pregnant. Some women choose to wear maternity clothes for comfort because they are overweight. Some women have that little belly pooch they just can’t lose even if they are a regular weight. It is just a BAD idea to bring up pregnancy, period. You let the woman bring it up. If she doesn’t, you keep your mouth shut.”
“I’ve also had two coworkers excitedly share pregnancy news recently, only to miscarry soon after. That’s another good practice. Even after you know a woman is pregnant, wait until she brings it up. You never know if she’s having complications or has lost the baby and hasn’t had the heart to discuss it yet.”
“Also in response to what OP said about his mother, it was honestly weird when I was pregnant how even perfect strangers would walk up and touch my belly. Then after my son was born walk up and touch him, or worse yet, his hands (ugh germs, babies put their fingers in their mouths all day long and I don’t know where your hands were or if you washed them after you used the bathroom).”
“Just keep hands and words to yourself. It’s a sensitive thing for women. OP I’m sorry your wife was hurt and made to feel sensitive about her weight. Did you need to kick your parents out? Maybe, maybe not but the important thing is you did what you needed to do to make your wife feel better and that’s always the right thing to do. Great job.” – elp22203
Others agreed and were glad that the OP had his wife’s back.
“Honestly, it’s just nice to see somebody actually supporting their partner on this website. I think you’re in the clear.” – CourtAny6617
“NOR. You were handling the crisis at the moment, and helping who was hurt. They could always have called or texted that day. You tried your best in a hard situation. Sending my best to you and your wife!” – prettypogkenzie
“One time, my ex’s mom asked if I was pregnant because of my supposed big belly in another language. He didn’t stick up for me me at all and only told her no and told me what she said after she left. For reference, I was 110 pounds at this time, and this happened immediately after I just finished an at home ab workout upstairs and lifted my shirt to show him my abs coming through, all proud.”
“I remember being upset he didn’t stick up for me and that was something I never forgot. It’s better to correct your mom for her wrongdoings rather than making your wife feel even worse about your poor reaction on top of the moms rude comment.” – Puzzleheaded-Panic9
“I’m team husband all the way on this one. And for what it’s worth, the parents could have called to apologize at any time. They don’t get to try turning it around to make them the victim.” – Fabulous-Fun-9673
“The love you have for her is felt in the first paragraph. I wish more men were as amazing as you. My boyfriend doesn’t even acknowledge if I try let alone ever compliment me on a normal day.” – ctrl-alt-depleted
“There’s far too many posts of situations with inlaws and the partner whose parents fucked up refusing to do anything about it. This is so refreshing. NTA.” – Calgary_Calico
“You had your wife’s back. Never regret or apologize for being a real man and husband. Well done. Your mom had to know that was wrong. Even if she was pregnant, those words and touching was a terrible choice. Enjoy your wife!” – Mowsmom22
“Not overreacting.”
“You did not stop them from apologizing the same day. They could have texted. They could have graciously left and apologized as they were getting their shoes on. There is no legitimate reason not to apologize now.”
“I’ve been asked if I was pregnant when I wasn’t. Actually many people assumed I was when I was post partum. It’s humiliating and so so hurtful.”
“You did the right thing by kicking them out and comforting your wife.” – Technical-Mixture299
“Dude, NTA. Protecting your wife’s feelings is priority number one, especially when the parents crossed a line. It’s a touchy subject for most peeps, let alone someone already dealing with insecurities.”
“Your mom’s ‘oopsie’ may not have been malicious, but it was h**la thoughtless. Maybe with some time, a genuine apology might smooth things over but right now, standing by your wife is where it’s at. Chin up, man. You did good.” – CokeZeroClimactic
Though the OP might have been second-guessing himself a bit, the subReddit applauded him for having his wife’s back and putting her comfort first.
If his parents really cared about the OP’s wife and wanted to apologize for the misunderstanding, they could have done so and avoided ever being asked to leave.