Dating while being a single parent isn't easy.
Finding the right balance of how to deal with kids and your partner can go a lot of ways.
Case in point...
Redditor throwwra__fix399 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my girlfriend she's not allowed to tell my daughter what to do?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I've been with my girlfriend for three years, but she only moved in with me six months ago."
"I'm a widower, so I wanted to make sure that our relationship was serious before I was ok with her moving in with me and my daughter."
"Generally they get along pretty well."
"I told my girlfriend at the very beginning of our relationship that I wasn't looking for a step mum for my daughter, she's old enough that she doesn't need a 'new mom.'"
"Last weekend I went camping with one of my mates for two days, and my girlfriend stayed home with my daughter."
"I knew my daughter was going to a party on Saturday and I already agreed to it."
"But when I came back from my camping trip my daughter complained that my girlfriend told her she had to wash her makeup off and do one that's less 'provocative' before she could leave the house."
"I got angry at my g[irl]f[riend] and told her she wasn't allowed to order my daughter around, and she wasn't allowed to prevent her from doing anything that I already agreed to."
"We had a huge fight, and since then we barely talked."
"My daughter is 16."
"She doesn't need a babysitter, and my girlfriend isn't my daughter's step mum or guardian."
"She's my girlfriend, that's it."
"AITA in this situation?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Your GF seriously overstepped the boundaries."
"It was none of her business."
"On top of that, her makeup was 'provocative?'"
"I'm a 50+ mother of a 16 young woman, and while I don't always like my kiddo's makeup, that's a personal preference."
"So I compliment it, or not, as the spirit moves me."
"Long gone are the days that "lipstick is for 'fallen women!'" ~ Accurate_Quote_7109
"Exactly! It's not that hard to say something like 'It looks like you put a lot of time into that look' with genuine kindness, even when I don't like the way it turned out."
"Because it's not about me."
"OP: NTA, and may be time to have a talk with your GF reinforcing boundaries and expectations." ~ Xanthina
"NTA. My boyfriend has lived with me for more than 3 years now and wouldn't even think of telling my 16-year-old daughter something like that."
"He has been good for giving rides or helping her with computer issues, but anything even remotely close to parenting he hands to me."
"At most, he would have let me know what was happening so I could deal with it if I needed to." ~ vomitthewords
"I agree NTA."
"However I do think there is some nuance here."
"I'm a stepmom, the kids have both parents in their lives and are 50/50 with each."
"I am not their mom."
"I will never fill that role."
"It's filled by their bio mom."
"However, they are still minors who I share a household with."
"As a result, I do feel somewhat responsible for them, and I do care about them."
"My stepdaughter is 9."
"They started wearing makeup to school."
"I was shocked."
"9 seems so young for makeup."
"But I didn't call them any type of gendered slur, or otherwise shame them."
"I spoke privately with their father and brought it to his attention."
"He spoke with their bio mom, and they both agreed 9 is too young for makeup at school."
"At sleepovers to play around with it is fine."
"Wearing it at home for fun on the weekend is fine."
"But not to school yet."
"So unless the children or someone else are in actual physical danger, I take my concerns to their father who talks with their mom about it, and they reach a decision."
"Makeup is not a physical danger situation."
"If OP was concerned, at 16 you just let the daughter go out for the night."
"And then separately, privately talk to the father."
"Now I wouldn't call makeup 'provocative,' but if I felt like my 16-year-old stepchild wasn't wearing makeup well, I'd suggest maybe we go to [Makeup Store] together and get a makeup lesson and buy new products."
"Of course, I'd suggest it to their father first and make sure he was ok with it."
"But I'd do this really only if the makeup was poorly applied (foundation didn't match the child's skin tone and they left an obvious orange line on their chin/neck, for example)."
"So I think it's ok to have some concerns about a minor living in your home when you're not their parent."
"But you don't shame them as OP did, and unless it's a danger of physical harm, you take concerns to their parent in private." ~ alana_r_dray
OP came back with an update...
"Firstly I just want to say that I didn't expect my post to blow up the way it did."
"I read through all of the comments, despite there being so many and I really appreciate everyone's input."
"Unfortunately this update is not exactly a happy one."
"The day after my post I tried to have a serious lengthy discussion about boundaries and our relationship in general just like many of you suggested."
"But the discussion got pretty heated, and she said that the reason she asked my daughter to wash her makeup off is that she looked like a 'sl*t.'"
"For me, that was just too much."
"I asked her to leave my house, and by the evening she moved out."
"Right now I don't know if I did the right thing or not because I truly love my girlfriend, but I just couldn't let anyone talk that way about my daughter."
"Since she moved out we haven't talked at all other than her texting me saying she'll pick up the rest of her things next week."
"So again I appreciate everyone that commented on my original post, seems like I'll have to remain a single dad for a bit longer."
Reddit commended him for the way he handled the situation.
"Sorry, I know it's not happy for you, but as an objective reader, I consider this a good outcome."
"It's very not cool that your girlfriend accused your daughter of trying to look sl*tty, so I'm happy knowing that your daughter has a good dad who'll choose her over his love life."
"Thanks, and good luck finding a better girlfriend." ~ nightforday
"Please don't doubt your decision here - 16 is a tender age between childhood and 'adulthood,' and I remember how harshly I was treated by my parents then for similar 'crimes' (quite a few years ago now)."
"Your daughter will never forget you backing her up now, as I'll never forget my own parents damning me."
"You did good here, OP." ~ NeonCityStars
"It must be rough because you care for your gf but you did good."
"No one, absolutely no one has the right to shame a child."
"Reddit is filled with children who are estranged from their parent because the parent turned a blind eye/ear to the emotional abuse their children have to endure from the new relationship that their parent gets into."
"Great that you navigated this in the best interest of your child."
"The least that one should expect from a new partner is being tolerant, nonjudgmental, and respectful towards your child."
"Best wishes to you and your daughter." ~ Haunting-Row-3961
"I'm sorry it didn't go well, but I love that you keep your daughter 1st in everything."
"Also for your gf to say 'she looked like a sl*t'. What The Hell does that even mean???"
"Especially in this day and age when make has become as advanced as it has."
"She sounded a little bitter and jealous." ~_bambi8
One Redditor had a difference of opinion.
"I don't know how your daughter looked, and neither do you."
"I have a grandniece who used to dress sl*tty (too much makeup, too tight/too short clothes, etc), would not listen to anyone, and became a single mom at 18-19."
"Her mother (my niece) is trashy, has been in prison numerous times, has 5 kids from 3 baby daddies, and goes through men like Kleenex (I don't know how many times she's been married), does not listen to anyone."
"When I was about 16, my father made me take off my cut-off shorts (that even I knew were too short), and he cut them up."
"My self-esteem is just fine, thank you very much."
"While you think you are teaching your daughter that 'anything goes' with her appearance, you are also teaching her that it is okay to throw away a long-term relationship because of one fairly simple disagreement."
"And you are teaching her not to get involved when someone she loves could be headed for trouble (you were a 16-year-old boy once; you know how they think and act)."
"Unless your ex was bullying your daughter in your absence, it sounds to me as if she had your daughter's best interests in mind." ~ Kathys_Clown
OP responded...
"Firstly I do know how she looks when she goes out."
"And trust me, clothing doesn't make you a single parent, poor choices do."
"I became a father at 17, and my then girlfriend was a typical tomboy."
"It wasn't her appearance that caused the pregnancy, it was my stupidity."
"And that's something that I am teaching my daughter, not that she can't wear skirts."
Well OP, this is quite a situation.
It seems like Reddit is with you.
But you're a good dad no matter what.
Good luck going forward with your daughter.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp