Parenting is no easy undertaking.
However, when parents divide and conquer, the load becomes a little lighter for each party.
Of course, that assumes both parents are on the "conquering" end of the deal.
A man on Reddit is furious after his wife played on her iPad and ignored their bleeding toddler's cries for help while he was in the shower, so he turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Independent_Fox4439 asked:
"I took a shower at midnight while my wife was watching TV. Who's the AH?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife was sitting in the recliner watching her iPad right outside the kid's bedrooms."
"I figure I'm in the clear to take a long shower."
"When I turn the shower off, I hear my 3-year-old crying and screaming for daddy."
"I hurry."
"As I'm going through the family room, I look at my wife (sitting watching her iPad) and say, 'You couldn't calm him down?'"
"She says, 'No, I tried three times.'"
"I go into his room and pick him up."
"He immediately stops crying and starts trying to catch his breath."
"I feel what I thought were tears dripping down my shoulder."
"I think: 'poor guy has been so upset for so long, long enough for my wife to come in three times.'"
"I lay him in bed and start tucking him in."
"He says, I have a mess."
"I figure tears and snot."
"I grab wipes and tissue, and turn the flashlight on my phone on."
"That's when I realized he was covered in blood."
"His first bloody nose, and it was bad: all over his face, arms, clothes, stuffy, blanket - and I'm covered."
"Those were not tears dripping down my shoulder."
"I get him cleaned up, and asked my wife to shout the bloody items while I get him cleaned up."
"I'm tucking him in, and I ask why he didn't let mommy help."
"He said, 'Mommy didn't check on me. Somebody never checked on me.'"
"Now my wife is pissed at me for me expecting her to help."
"I'm pissed at her for not taking care of our son while I'm in the shower, and she's watching her iPad, and I'm pissed that she's pissed I expected her to help."
"So, who's the AH??"
Redditors weighed in on the situation and overwhelmingly agreed that OP is not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. The biggest issue for me is the lying."
"At the very least, she could have been honest that she didn't go in."
"But it's also profoundly f**ked up to think that she didn't want to check on him."
"She's treating the idea of checking on her kid the same way a part-time cashier would treat having to mop a floor when it was (supposedly) their co-worker's 'turn' to do it."
"It isn't a job she gets to clock in and out of; she has to be present and show up at all times."
"And if you were in the shower and couldn't hear them crying, then it was definitely her chance to act." - the_poly_poet
"NTA. Your wife is TA."
"You are both parents."
"Even if she thought you should be checking on him when you didn't, she should have gone and checked."
"She should have wanted to."
"I can't imagine sitting and watching a movie while my child cried because that was not my problem."
"And the fact that she lies tells you she knows she should be ashamed of her behavior."
"And she's right."
"What she did was borderline abusive." - Turmeric_Ping
"Your wife lied to you about having checked on him."
"I think that this is a huge issue, and it needs to be confronted. NTA." - calacmack
"Your wife is undoubtedly, indisputably, undeniably, unmistakably the a**hole in this situation."
"You are undoubtedly, indisputably, undeniably, unmistakably NTA in this situation (and a great dad)."
"The fact that your kid called for you makes me wonder about the level of neglect your child must be feeling from your wife, and her lying to you makes me wonder what else is happening that you're taking at face value but is hiding information you need."
"But given you chose this partner to raise a child with...are these previously intermittent tendencies becoming more frequent and/or obvious, or does it feel like she is dissociating from her life?"
"There may be a medical angle to consider."
"Best of luck."
"ETA: a little clarification I didn't realize was necessary: the kid calling for Dad doesn't make Mom a terrible parent, and no one has said it's indicating 'what level of neglect has this mother done to this kid.'"
"Coupled with the instance that OP has written about (context), it could be an indication that the kid is feeling like certain needs aren't being met by Mom, and it could be escalating to feeling neglected."
"In this case, Mom not attending to her hysterically distressed child may not be a first experience."
"Hope that helps clarify that this is about what the child's perspective could be, since children communicate more with their behavior than words." - ItWouldntWorkAnyway
"NTA."
"I cannot imagine ignoring a screaming child and screaming cries of bloody nose fear are very very different from i dont wanna go to bed yes i want some attention cries."
"Any decent mother immediately knows the difference." - AnyBioMedGeek
"NTA."
"I don't understand why your wife thought attending to both your kids wasn't her job while you weren't available."
"That doesn't make sense to me." - HelloJunebug
"NTA, at all."
"Your wife, however, is a huge one."
"Who sits there casually while their child is screaming?"
"Poor baby."
"Totally understandable that you figured she would check on him while you showered."
"She sounds like a lazy parent. I get maybe she was tired, but damn."
"Didn't even check on him once?"
"Anyone saying this story is fake is weird."
"Sure it could be, but also.. terrible moms DO exist."
"People act like it's so unbelievable when the mom is the bad parent." - kaitrae
"NTA. Ya gotta wonder what was so damn important on that iPad!"
"To LIE about checking on a crying child?"
"That's pretty low." - 17jade
"NTA, but your wife sure is."
"She was lying, or she just leave him with a bloody nose and go back to her iPad?" - PearlyP2020
"This is a joke, right?"
"Your wife is sitting there glued to her iPad while your kid is screaming for help?"
"Your wife should have checked if there is something wrong with your child if he hadn't calmed down after three times, not continue watching on her iPad."
"And now she's mad at you for expecting her to be a parent?"
"It's absolutely ridiculous that she's shifting the blame onto you."
"NTA, your wife is the AH." - StarlitxFairy
"NTA."
"And I say this as a mom who is a wheelchair user, so getting up to check kids is a major pain in the a** sometimes."
"What she did was neglectful."
"Kids don't forget those kinds of experiences."
"Parenting is a full-time 24/7 gig."
"If your kid's crying you need to at least go find out why before deciding they need to cry it out or whatever."
"Like jeez what if he was crying because something was on fire or there was a life-threatening emergency?" - flippysquid
"NTA. I would've walked out of that room after I got him put back to bed and called her a f**king liar."
"And then I'd ask her what kind of mother just sits there and plays on a tablet while her child is screaming for her?"
"And then I tell her to sleep on the couch."
"And that we can discuss where our relationship is going in the morning." - Lostlucy2
"NTA, why is your wife pissed at you for expecting her to help parent her own child?"
"I also read your post about her frequently totaling cars (assuming this is the same wife). Is she even okay with being around the kids, taking care of them, or driving them around? Jesus Christ."
"You have bigger things to worry about than her not checking on your kid with a bloody nose; it's the fact that she likely lied to you about it, was dismissive of your child's suffering, and didn't give a f**k about helping you."
"*Short of her having a brain tumor or a legitimate medical condition contributing to her personality dysfunction, Why are you with this manipulative brat?" - videogamekat
"NTA."
"Your wife neglected your son for her iPad."
"How much time does she spend on it?"
"Perhaps she has an addiction and needs some help." - Negative_Ad3294
"NTA.Your wife's behaviour was neglectful."
"Who knows how long he was crying and bleeding waiting for someone to come."
"Your wife was lazy and a liar, she couldn't even be bothered to go check on him."
"That's just sh*tty parenting." - CrabbiestAsp
"You are NTA,but your wife sure us."
"She sounds lazy, or petty, whatever her reasoning was to not check on your son, it is not worth hearing."
"Red flags, man" - AppeltjeEitje1079
It sounds like OP and his wife need to have a serious talk about the situation as well as their expectations of each other.
Thanks to his fellow Redditors, though, OP shouldn't feel bad about his reaction.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp