There's nothing quite like the anticipatory betrayal of believing that your partner might be cheating on you.
And as much as we might like to give them the benefit of the doubt, sometimes there's too much evidence stacked against them to imagine any other explanation, agreed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Obvious_Waltz_2072 was going through a bit of a rough patch with their wife, and there were some things that their wife had done recently that gave them pause.
But when she got home late from night cycling and called a male friend of hers to check in, the Original Poster (OP) could not help but feel suspicious of what she might be checking in for.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for suspecting my wife after she got a shady 1:00 AM call from a 'guy friend' right after a late-night cycling trip?"
The OP was going through a rough patch with their wife.
"My wife (mid-30s) and I have been married for years, but we're going through a rocky patch right now."
"There have been lots of arguments, feeling distant, that kind of thing."
The OP's wife was doing some things she'd never done before.
"Last night, she went out cycling for about two hours, which is unusual because it was already dark out."
"She comes home, barely says anything, and jumps straight into the shower."
"A little while after she got in there (not literally right as she started), her phone rings at 1:00 AM from some guy she claims is an old friend from university."
"I only knew because her iPad (synced to her phone) started ringing in the other room, and the call got picked up almost instantly on her end, like she was expecting it or something."
The OP felt suspicious.
"When I asked about it later, she said who it was and that he was just calling to let her know he was visiting soon with his son."
"But she's never mentioned this guy before, and she didn't say anything about planning to meet up with anyone."
"Given our rough spot and the weird timing, this feels super suspicious to me."
"Am I overthinking all of this, or is this a red flag?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some validated the OP in their suspicions about their wife's recent behavior.
"You've been married for years, and she's never mentioned a guy friend who's on the 'cool to call at 1:00 AM for non-emergencies' list?"
"Nah, I'd be a lot more than suspicious." - Anxious_Picture_9278
"Cycling? She cycled to the dudes house. Got sweaty and sexed up. And then cycled back. I know a woman who did this. She got caught." - fearmebananaman
"He called to make sure she got home safe." - Snakend
"I got a text from a married guy friend asking if he could call at midnight once. I deeply trust this friend would never ever hit on me or cheat on his wife, but I'm also not a close enough friend that I would be the first call in an emergency."
"So I was really weirded out when I saw the text when I woke up in the morning. Turns out he was with some mutual friends and they were arguing over something that happened that I was there for, and he was hoping I was awake to settle the argument."
"But getting a call from a male friend at 1:00 AM is WEIRD. She should have thought this is WEIRD." - KaleidoscopeEvery343
"My dear Reddit compatriot, when the royal drums beat at 1:00 AM, they do not announce, 'Hello, I will be visiting with my son.' They announce secrets, expectations, or poor judgment."
"Let us review the sacred scrolls of Suspicion:Ā Late-night cycling quest (unusual hour), silent return and immediate purification shower, a previously unmentioned 'old university friend,' a call at 1:00 AM, the hour when only emergencies, lovers, or Nigerian princes with urgent wire transfers may call, and the call answered with the speed of light."
"My brother, this does not automatically mean treachery of the highest orderā¦ but it does mean your instincts are not hallucinating from bad palm wine."
"You are not wrong for feeling unsettled. Context matters, and right now the context is waving a small red flag, not a parade of them, but enough to say: 'Let us sit. Let us talk. Let us clarify before resentment poisons the well.'"
"Do not accuse. Do not interrogate.Ā Ask calmly, directly, and with curiosity: 'Help me understand why this felt secretive, because it made me uneasy, especially given where we are.'"
"If she responds with openness and empathy, the kingdom may yet prosper.Ā If she responds with deflection, minimization, or gaslightingā¦ then, my friend, the prince grows concerned."
"You are not the a**hole for noticing patterns. You would only become one if you ignore them, or explode without conversation.Ā May wisdom guide you.Ā May clarity arrive swiftly.Ā And may no one ever pretend a 1:00 AM call is 'casual.'" - _Nigerian_Prince_
"It's a huge red flag. Are you sure she was cycling? It sounds like she just cycled over to this guy's house, had a rendezvous, and then cycled back, jumping in the shower immediately to wash off the evidence. He probably called her to make sure she got home safely." - Crazy_Banshee_333
"Don't know what it says about me, but my first thought was that she cycled to a guy's house after he got off work, hence the late hour, and then he made she sure got home okay. Does she normally ride after midnight???? Sounds like strange behavior in itself..." - watchit007
"This is absolutely suspicious. NOR. Investigate her intentions. 1:00 AM is booty call hours, not 'hey, I'm visiting with my son who wants to see his favorite honorary auntie.' That could've been a text thread." - followmetomynow
"Nah, dude, you're not overreacting. Late night 'cycling,' a 1:00 AM call from a mystery uni friend she's never mentioned, answered instantly while she's in the shower, during a rough patch in your marriageā¦ that's sketchy as h**l."
"I'd treat it as a big yellow flag: not proof she's cheating, but absolutely enough to warrant a calm, serious talk about boundaries, transparency, and what the hell is actually going on." - Budget-Savings-7198
Others encouraged the OP to keep an eye on the iPad for now.
"Short thing: if the sync to the iPad will be disabled, you know. Might happen today or tomorrow. Most certainly today." - utzutzutzpro
"That's when I found out my wife was cheating. Sync to the iPad disappeared, and there was now a password on her phone. Back then, I found out by going through phone records. Good luck, my dude."
"This happened about seven years ago. I was p**sed for a few weeks because we had two small kids and a house in the equation. Then I just told myself okay, things don't work out."
"We had a serious chat. I forgave her. I wasn't putting energy into someone who didn't want to be with me. We vowed not f**k up our kids."
"She's now remarried, and we have a great, healthy coparenting situation. We still do family functions together. The kids don't know anything other than this arrangement. We also divorced without needing to go to court." - brucegoose44
"Call him and say, 'Hey, my wife said you're coming to town. I wanted to take all of us to dinner since it sounds like you're old friends, so let me know how many seats to book. That will let you know if there's really even a son or not'" - ExtensionSherbert562
"Time to look at the phone records."
"I'm guessing you'll see activity with that number right before her 'bike ride.'"
"There's also location services on her phone that can show a bike ride versus her going to a location and remaining there for the two hours."
"Good luck. I'm not optimistic." - Schalg96
"Dude, she's cheating on you. Just for safety's sake, I would hire a divorce attorney because you were headed that way anyway. Just keep copies of anything you can find on the iPad before she wipes it clean, just in case you need it." - ArmoredAvenger
The subReddit tried to give the benefit of the doubt, thinking that maybe the wife was focusing on her health and a sport that she enjoyed while her marriage was going through a rough patch, and maybe an old friend really was checking in about a visit, albeit at a weird time.
But it was the micro-details that kept the subReddit hung up on the suspicion that she was cheating on her partner instead of working on her marriage. Two hours cycling late at night is something few people do, and it's not safe for the average person. More importantly, the late-night phone call answered immediately from the bathroom, and then brushed off, seemed like anything but innocent behavior.
It seemed much more likely that she was giving up on her marriage and had been with someone during that two-hour cycling route, and he was calling to make sure she made it home safely.
That said, she still deserved a conversation with the OP to see what the true story was and whether they were both still committed to working on their long-term marriage.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadnāt interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why canāt she just admit it?"
"Iām so glad Iām long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; itās what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesnāt matter if itās two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesnāt respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Donāt waste another minute of your life on an angry man. Heāll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesnāt need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didnāt know that I could just leave places that I didnāt feel safe in because it wasnāt an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do whatās best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.