There's nothing quite like the anticipatory betrayal of believing that your partner might be cheating on you.
And as much as we might like to give them the benefit of the doubt, sometimes there's too much evidence stacked against them to imagine any other explanation, agreed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Obvious_Waltz_2072 was going through a bit of a rough patch with their wife, and there were some things that their wife had done recently that gave them pause.
But when she got home late from night cycling and called a male friend of hers to check in, the Original Poster (OP) could not help but feel suspicious of what she might be checking in for.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for suspecting my wife after she got a shady 1:00 AM call from a 'guy friend' right after a late-night cycling trip?"
The OP was going through a rough patch with their wife.
"My wife (mid-30s) and I have been married for years, but we're going through a rocky patch right now."
"There have been lots of arguments, feeling distant, that kind of thing."
The OP's wife was doing some things she'd never done before.
"Last night, she went out cycling for about two hours, which is unusual because it was already dark out."
"She comes home, barely says anything, and jumps straight into the shower."
"A little while after she got in there (not literally right as she started), her phone rings at 1:00 AM from some guy she claims is an old friend from university."
"I only knew because her iPad (synced to her phone) started ringing in the other room, and the call got picked up almost instantly on her end, like she was expecting it or something."
The OP felt suspicious.
"When I asked about it later, she said who it was and that he was just calling to let her know he was visiting soon with his son."
"But she's never mentioned this guy before, and she didn't say anything about planning to meet up with anyone."
"Given our rough spot and the weird timing, this feels super suspicious to me."
"Am I overthinking all of this, or is this a red flag?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some validated the OP in their suspicions about their wife's recent behavior.
"You've been married for years, and she's never mentioned a guy friend who's on the 'cool to call at 1:00 AM for non-emergencies' list?"
"Nah, I'd be a lot more than suspicious." - Anxious_Picture_9278
"Cycling? She cycled to the dudes house. Got sweaty and sexed up. And then cycled back. I know a woman who did this. She got caught." - fearmebananaman
"He called to make sure she got home safe." - Snakend
"I got a text from a married guy friend asking if he could call at midnight once. I deeply trust this friend would never ever hit on me or cheat on his wife, but I'm also not a close enough friend that I would be the first call in an emergency."
"So I was really weirded out when I saw the text when I woke up in the morning. Turns out he was with some mutual friends and they were arguing over something that happened that I was there for, and he was hoping I was awake to settle the argument."
"But getting a call from a male friend at 1:00 AM is WEIRD. She should have thought this is WEIRD." - KaleidoscopeEvery343
"My dear Reddit compatriot, when the royal drums beat at 1:00 AM, they do not announce, 'Hello, I will be visiting with my son.' They announce secrets, expectations, or poor judgment."
"Let us review the sacred scrolls of Suspicion: Late-night cycling quest (unusual hour), silent return and immediate purification shower, a previously unmentioned 'old university friend,' a call at 1:00 AM, the hour when only emergencies, lovers, or Nigerian princes with urgent wire transfers may call, and the call answered with the speed of light."
"My brother, this does not automatically mean treachery of the highest order… but it does mean your instincts are not hallucinating from bad palm wine."
"You are not wrong for feeling unsettled. Context matters, and right now the context is waving a small red flag, not a parade of them, but enough to say: 'Let us sit. Let us talk. Let us clarify before resentment poisons the well.'"
"Do not accuse. Do not interrogate. Ask calmly, directly, and with curiosity: 'Help me understand why this felt secretive, because it made me uneasy, especially given where we are.'"
"If she responds with openness and empathy, the kingdom may yet prosper. If she responds with deflection, minimization, or gaslighting… then, my friend, the prince grows concerned."
"You are not the a**hole for noticing patterns. You would only become one if you ignore them, or explode without conversation. May wisdom guide you. May clarity arrive swiftly. And may no one ever pretend a 1:00 AM call is 'casual.'" - _Nigerian_Prince_
"It's a huge red flag. Are you sure she was cycling? It sounds like she just cycled over to this guy's house, had a rendezvous, and then cycled back, jumping in the shower immediately to wash off the evidence. He probably called her to make sure she got home safely." - Crazy_Banshee_333
"Don't know what it says about me, but my first thought was that she cycled to a guy's house after he got off work, hence the late hour, and then he made she sure got home okay. Does she normally ride after midnight???? Sounds like strange behavior in itself..." - watchit007
"This is absolutely suspicious. NOR. Investigate her intentions. 1:00 AM is booty call hours, not 'hey, I'm visiting with my son who wants to see his favorite honorary auntie.' That could've been a text thread." - followmetomynow
"Nah, dude, you're not overreacting. Late night 'cycling,' a 1:00 AM call from a mystery uni friend she's never mentioned, answered instantly while she's in the shower, during a rough patch in your marriage… that's sketchy as h**l."
"I'd treat it as a big yellow flag: not proof she's cheating, but absolutely enough to warrant a calm, serious talk about boundaries, transparency, and what the hell is actually going on." - Budget-Savings-7198
Others encouraged the OP to keep an eye on the iPad for now.
"Short thing: if the sync to the iPad will be disabled, you know. Might happen today or tomorrow. Most certainly today." - utzutzutzpro
"That's when I found out my wife was cheating. Sync to the iPad disappeared, and there was now a password on her phone. Back then, I found out by going through phone records. Good luck, my dude."
"This happened about seven years ago. I was p**sed for a few weeks because we had two small kids and a house in the equation. Then I just told myself okay, things don't work out."
"We had a serious chat. I forgave her. I wasn't putting energy into someone who didn't want to be with me. We vowed not f**k up our kids."
"She's now remarried, and we have a great, healthy coparenting situation. We still do family functions together. The kids don't know anything other than this arrangement. We also divorced without needing to go to court." - brucegoose44
"Call him and say, 'Hey, my wife said you're coming to town. I wanted to take all of us to dinner since it sounds like you're old friends, so let me know how many seats to book. That will let you know if there's really even a son or not'" - ExtensionSherbert562
"Time to look at the phone records."
"I'm guessing you'll see activity with that number right before her 'bike ride.'"
"There's also location services on her phone that can show a bike ride versus her going to a location and remaining there for the two hours."
"Good luck. I'm not optimistic." - Schalg96
"Dude, she's cheating on you. Just for safety's sake, I would hire a divorce attorney because you were headed that way anyway. Just keep copies of anything you can find on the iPad before she wipes it clean, just in case you need it." - ArmoredAvenger
The subReddit tried to give the benefit of the doubt, thinking that maybe the wife was focusing on her health and a sport that she enjoyed while her marriage was going through a rough patch, and maybe an old friend really was checking in about a visit, albeit at a weird time.
But it was the micro-details that kept the subReddit hung up on the suspicion that she was cheating on her partner instead of working on her marriage. Two hours cycling late at night is something few people do, and it's not safe for the average person. More importantly, the late-night phone call answered immediately from the bathroom, and then brushed off, seemed like anything but innocent behavior.
It seemed much more likely that she was giving up on her marriage and had been with someone during that two-hour cycling route, and he was calling to make sure she made it home safely.
That said, she still deserved a conversation with the OP to see what the true story was and whether they were both still committed to working on their long-term marriage.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.