Parenting with a partner requires communication and compromise.
But what happens if one parent institutes a rule without any discussion? Is the other parent required to abide by it?
A mother who didn’t follow her husband’s new rule turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Left_butt_cheek asked:
“AITA for allowing my kids a snack after dinner?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (28, female) and my husband (32, male) have 3 beautiful boys together aged 8, 7, and 4. Almost every evening we sit together at the table as a family and enjoy dinner.”
“We have a strict rule that if you don’t finish your plate, you don’t get a snack later or dessert. If our kids are full before their plate is gone, we let them leave the table but save their plate in case they ask for a snack later.”
“This really hasn’t been an issue until recently and specifically tonight where my husband and I got into a fight in front of the kids disagreeing if they could have a snack or not after dinner.”
“For background purposes, financially I would say we are equals when it comes to income. My husband makes twice as much as me and pays most of the big bills except the mortgage.”
“I pay the mortgage, our youngest’s daycare, and I buy our groceries and any household necessities. We don’t fight about finances.”
“Recently my husband has been not allowing the kids to have a snack after dinner even if they finish their plate. I’ve been arguing back saying ‘they finished, they’re allowed a snack’.”
“Tonight our 7-year-old asked for a snack after dinner and my husband flipped saying ‘don’t ask again you’re not having any more food tonight’. I told him he was being unreasonable and snuck my 7-year-old down to have a clementine and a banana.”
“My husband thinks I’m the a**hole for undermining his decision that the kids won’t have snacks, but I think he’s being unreasonable and if we have the means to feed our kids dinner and snacks after why wouldn’t we?”
“So am I the a**hole?”
“My kids snack freely throughout the day. We give them small portions at dinner.”
“The reason we keep the plate if they don’t finish is because they will sometimes have a bite or two of dinner and say they’re full, then minutes later ask for dessert.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I should be judged over sneaking a snack to my son and I might be the a**hole for letting him have a snack when my husband said no.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The majority of Redditors thought everyone—at least the adults—sucked (ESH).
“Why did OP mention their income/finances? What does that have to do with the way they are treating their kids? ESH.” ~ wine_dude_52
“If you’re paying the mortgage (can’t be cheap), daycare (can’t be cheap), groceries (5 people, can’t be cheap) and house household necessities (can’t be cheap)—what in the world is he paying for if he makes twice your salary?”
“Aside from eating disorders, what does he bring to this family?” ~ SnooCupcakes7992
The OP explained:
“I offered the financial information to avoid comments saying ‘he’s being financially aware because inflation/food costs’. My VA benefits pay the mortgage and he pays the rest of the bills with his paycheck.”
“I was just explaining to make sure the audience knew finances didn’t have anything to do with the situation.”
Still, people thought the OP and her husband sucked.
“Wow. ESH, you as well as your husband for making dinner and food a battleground. Nothing good is going to come from you and your husband’s mentality about food when it comes to your children. It’s unhealthy.” ~ Peony-Pony
“Having to sneak food for a child at all is a huge red flag. If my husband insisted our kids couldn’t have a snack for no reason, I’d tell him to get over himself and I’d give them a snack.”
“There would be no sneaking anything. No one is telling me what I can and can not feed my kids in my own house without a good reason.”
“We’ve had similar situations, where my husband said no to a snack when I said yes, but he had a reason and we discussed it before telling the kids yes or no. That’s what happens in a healthy relationship. ESH.” ~ DistractedHouseWitch
“Thank God my parents didn’t force me to eat if I wasn’t hungry or truly didn’t like something (I’d have to try it and 99% of the time I’d like it), but if I really didn’t like it, mom would make me something else.”
“If I was full, sure save the plate in case I want more later, but if you’re full, you’re full. I wasn’t denied a snack/dessert because I didn’t finish my plate.”
“Now I can see if a kid would purposely not eat dinner and only want dessert or something like that, but this isn’t the case here. Plus, the snack was fruit FFS! ESH.” ~ korty24
“That is pretty much exactly how I was raised. No snacking, no special treats, starving all day, then served an enormous plate at dinner that HAD to be finished or you either had to sit there all night, or have it for breakfast.”
“As soon as I moved out, I went freaking HAM on buying whatever I wanted. I still have a bad ‘food hoarding’ problem that is seriously annoying.”
“I want it, I get it, and I could probably survive off my stores for at least several months. There’s no storage space left! ESH.” ~ ScumBunny
“Who the hell cares how much you or your spouse contribute to the family expenses? It has nothing to do with the controlling behavior of forcing them to finish their food or else no snacks.”
“And even worse to bring out the leftover dinner for them to eat later. It’s very controlling and is pointing your kids toward an eating disorder/unhealthy relationship with food.”
“It’s probably already too late to change their relationship to food. Also, your spouse is an a**hole. ESH.” ~ BabyBard93
“I love how parents will happily mentally damage their children so they don’t have fat kids. ESH.” ~ silvirgo
“Yep. Speaking as someone who has now successfully lost 100lbs but is still over 300, and was also raised in a ‘finish your plate’ house, this is how you breed binge eating disorder. ESH.” ~ marrell
“As soon as these boys get a car and their own money to go buy junk food they are going to go wild. Actually, I bet they already go wild on junk food at school and friends’ houses. ESH.”
“Allowing your kids to have treats in moderation is a good thing as it teaches self control. Making anything a forbidden fruit will make your kid speed run towards it at the first opportunity.” ~ PandaEnthusiast89
“My parents made me eat all my dinner and I have had issues with food since. I became overweight for a long time because of it.”
“I had to work really hard to relearn healthy eating habits including stopping when I was full. I am now at a good place and a good weight but you bet your ass that I was overweight for a long time.”
“With my kids, they eat however much or little they want and they do not have any issues with weight or eating past fullness like I did. I never reprimanded them for not eating all their dinner and they are happy and healthy. ESH.” ~ Bookworm8989
“ESH. You both are essentially labeling food ‘good and bad’ instead of, there is a food balance to each meal and snacks throughout the day. You also focus on volume.”
“‘Complete all of this now or later or you will not earn a reward’. Kids go through growth spurts and may eat two portions more, then three weeks later not.”
“One clementine or banana in the evening if their plate is ‘not cleaned’ is really not a big deal. This is the time to empower kids through food education.”
“Them applying this knowledge correctly is what builds healthy eating patterns and relationships with food.”
“Husband is an AH for not taking your private inquiries about this topic seriously. You are life partners and should be able to talk through tough topics.”
“He needs to evaluate what is behind his changed behavior. He sounds like an overbearing ‘Bear’ at the kitchen table who dictates what can and cannot be eaten.
“Also ESH for the food as punishment or reward setup you’ve been doing.” ~ DesertSong-LaLa
“Your and your husband’s behavior toward food is weird as hell. ESH. What you’re doing is forcing your kids to eat, perhaps past the point of satiety, if they want stuff like ice cream.”
“And everyone wants ice cream. The keeping the leftovers in the fridge in case the ‘offending’ child is hungry later is just, beyond.”
“What do you say? ‘Okay, you two kids finished your meal so for a snack you get two pieces of candy. You, third child, didn’t finish your meal, so you get cold broccoli.’?”
“Keep on this way if you want to give your kids an eating disorder.” ~ Active-Anteater1884
While the OP asked about not following her husband’s new rule, everyone focused on her attitude about food and her children.
Hopefully the OP gained some insights.