In the classic tale, "The Boy Who Cried Wolf", a mischievous young shepherd constantly tricks the villagers claiming a wolf has infiltrated his flock, and when a wolf actually does appear, everyone ignores his cries having been tricked one too many times.
We can all learn an important lesson from this story, as if we deceive or stretch the truth far too often, chances are we might eventually find ourselves calling on deaf ears.
Even when we truly need someone's help.
The fiancée of Redditor Few_Suspect7961 had a habit of being persistent when it came to calling people.
A habit the original poster (OP)'s parents grew increasingly tired of.
As a result, when the OP's fiancée tried calling her future in-laws in the midst of an actual emergency, the OP's parents acted in anything but a fast manner.
When the OP invited their parents over for dinner shortly after this episode, their presence was less than appreciated by the OP.
Wanting everyone could just move on and forgive one another, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA inviting my parents to my house after they didn't respond to my fiancee's medical emergency?"
The OP explained why their fiancée did not want her future in-laws anywhere near their home:
"My fiancée Allie(31 F[emale]) is the type of person that calls people 2 or 3 times in a row when she wants to get ahold of them for anything."
"The first time she did this to my parents we were driving to a concert and I asked her to call my folks from my phone."
"She called, they didn't pick up."
"She started calling my mom again right away and I asked what she was doing."
"My mom picked up right away worried."
"Allie asked our question, I told mom false alarm, hung up."
"She asked why my mom had been irritated and I explained to her in my family, we only call twice in a row if it's an emergency."
"Allie has never followed this and will always call them repeatedly for the most mundane stuff."
"If one doesn't answer she'll sometimes call my other parent."
"All that to say a couple of weeks ago she broke her leg while working around the house."
"I was in a workshop for work that day and could only check my phone on breaks."
"She called my parents since they live a couple streets over but neither answered their phones."
"She wound up having to call an ambulance."
"I got her message about 2 hours after she fell and went to the hospital."
"She was pretty mad at my parents when I got there."
"I let then know what happened and they also rushed to the hospital to apologize and check on her."
"She didn't want them coming in so they sat outside for a bit, got her flowers from the gift shop and eventually went home."
"I took some time off work to take care of her and my parents have been offering help as they could."
"Her sister drove in to help so I could go back to work."
"Last night I decided to make a nicer dinner than usual and wanted to invite my parents."
"I gave her a heads up I was inviting them and asked if she wanted me to rearrange some of the chairs and table so we can all eat together."
"She got mad I wanted to invite them and is of the mind I shouldn't be wanting to see/speak with them after they ignored her."
"Her sister agrees with her and feels I'm putting my parents over my soon to be wife."
"Up until this point I haven't said anything to her about the situation but I did then and told her it was a massive f**k-up in communication on everyone's part and time we all talk it out to put behind us."
"Neither she nor her sister think she should stop being mad at them."
"My parents were sitting outside for their quiet time when she called."
"It's not unusual for them to not answer calls/texts and wait to return them later when they do that."
"I myself had to do the two calls routine, so they knew it was urgent."
"Was I an a**hole to invite my parents over?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for inviting their parents over for dinner.
Almost everyone agreed that the OP's parents did nothing wrong, with some pointing out that regardless of Allie's habit of constantly making multiple calls, sometimes people just can't answer the phone or respond to a message immediately, and Allie needed to realize this.
"NTA."
"You explained the communication norms in your family after the first time she double-called."
"She didn't listen, and so your parents had no way of knowing it was an emergency instead of just another Tuesday."
"Your description of a massive miscommunication sounds accurate, and talking it through would be the next right move."
"Does she have an explanation for how they should have known, or is she assuming that when she wants to reach someone, they should drop everything and talk to her, whether or not it's urgent?"
"Because the latter isn't respecting other people's time and priorities."- MazikeenBronze
"NTA."
"Allie made the usual number of calls that she does for any occasion and didn't text to let them know this was actually an emergency."
"OP certainly does not need to cut his parents off over this."- InappropriateAccess
"NTA."
"You told your fiancée how multiple calls are used in your family."
"She chose to ignore that, effectively crying wolf until they just started treating her multiple calls as a normal phone call because that's what her actions repeatedly told them to do."
"You can't keep treating normal contacts like emergencies if you want people to respond to emergencies urgently."
"She created the mess herself because of her own insistence on being heard right away whenever she wanted."
"If she'd had a little patience with your family, she never would have been in that pickle, but she lacked consideration."
"Why didn't she text that it was an emergency when they treated it as a normal call?"
"That would have let your parents know this was different, even if she refused to stop treating every time she wanted to talk to someone as an emergency."- KaliTheBlaze
"NTA."
"Has she never heard the story of 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf'?"
"She intentionally chose a pattern of behavior that ensured they would not assume she was calling for emergency assistance."
"Now she is angry that they behaved as they did because of her past behavior."
"It is regrettable but it is her fault."
"She needs to accept responsibility for her own choices."- latents
"NTA, but maybe you need to consider that this is who she is, this isn't a phase."
"Maybe one day she'll grow out of it, but clearly she's more interested in trying to make herself a priority in people's lives, and then victimizing herself when her behavior came back to bite her."
"She's 31."
"Really observe her behavior for what it is, and that it could get worse."
"Not to mention the possibility of her holding this one instance over all of your heads to get her way, and justify her bad behavior."
"Now every time she spam calls, you all will jump to attention just in case - which is what she's always wanted."
"She doesn't care that it's annoying, she is demanding attention, and one time where she was denied, she actually did need, but her takeaway was 'I was right, you deserve to be shamed for ignoring me'."
"She thinks the world should revolve around her, and people's times and attention should always be available to her when she snaps her fingers."
"Again, watch for the behavior."- OffKira
"NTA."
"Dude, are you sure you want to marry this woman?"
"Calling multiple times is weird, but flipping out and wanting to cut out your parents is way out of line."
"She has self-control issues, and is expecting you to follow her, which is controlling."
"Given my experience with this sort of weird AF behavior from my ex, I'm suggesting you seriously reconsider this relationship."
"Til Death Do Us Part is a long time!"- CW-Eight
"NTA."
"Your wife is the AH."
"She has been disrespectful of your parents' time for years, refused to change when asked and then has the nerve to be pissed when the situation she created blew up in her face."
"Now she is trying to alienate you from your family?"
"WTF?"
"She sounds like a drama queen who thinks the world should stop and respond to her, on her timetable, time for her to grow up."- Laines_Ecossaises
Allie seems unable to learn that not everyone is able to answer the phone at any given moment.
And calling them back immediately over and over again is not going to change that.
If she's this unwilling to forgive her in-laws before she and the OP have even gotten married, they could both be heading for some, unfortunately, rough waters.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp