Relationships require people to make compromises. While it’s perhaps best not to keep super close track of it, each person will often have to give up something to make the other happy and make the relationship work.
Redditor I_miss_sleep_dearly is having an issue with the compromises she makes to help her significant other. But now the original poster (OP) isn’t sure if she reacted rationally to her boyfriend’s habits in bed.
Her snippy remarks aren’t helping, so she’s taken to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to find out.
“AITA for getting upset my boyfriend won’t let me sleep a full night?”
Here’s what’s happening in her relationship:
“I (37f[emale]) have some sleep problems when it comes to my boyfriend (33m[ale]) and I think I could be the a**hole for my reactions.”
“First problem has to deal with two cats that were thrown at us by force, compliments of his ex-wife. She told his kids that they’d be thrown away in the pound if we didn’t take them, so I of course said they could stay here.”
“His ex is another AITA post, but this one has to deal with sleep.”
“My boyfriend insists the cats sleep in the bed. This wouldn’t be a problem, except they jump all over me at night and one is prone to throwing up. In fact, last night he threw up on my pillow, which resulted in me finally putting my foot down and closing the bedroom door.”
“There was little sympathy for me and my barf covered pillow, but tons for the lonely, sad cats who only have billions of other places to rest their cute fuzzy heads.”
This issue with the cats sounds bad enough, but it gets worse.
“Sadly, cats are only part one of my sleepless nights. The second is my boyfriend’s habits. When we go to bed at night I’d love to just pass out on my pillow, but I can’t.”
“Unfortunately, my man likes to stay up an hour later reading reddit or whatever he does on his phone. His legs shake the entire time and he vapes, keeping me up along with him until I finally convince him sleeping would be awesome.”
“I have suggested on multiple occasions that he could read downstairs, but he refuses.”
“You’d think that’d be the end of the story, but he also apparently can’t sleep passed like 6 hours, resulting in him once again on the phone, vaping, waking me up early after going to bed late.”
“Now, the part where I might be the [a**hole]. I’ve been getting steadily more snippy about this lackluster night of sleep.”
“When he wakes me up I say things like ‘Why are you awake? It’s only been 6 hours. Go away.’ He’s noted very grumpily that that’s not a good way to say good morning, but it doesn’t feel like a very good morning at the time.”
“So, reddit, AITA for snapping at my boyfriend for his sleep torture?”
It looks like OP’s situation isn’t great, and there aren’t a lot of great answers. But is it okay that she got so snippy with her boyfriend?
To clarify, some commenters asked for a little more information.
“INFO: If you hate this man’s bedtime habits so much why do you continue to sleep next to him?” – greenseraphima
“We don’t have enough bedrooms for me to sleep anywhere else and the couch isn’t a great place either.” – I_miss_sleep_dearly (OP)
“Is the home a place you both pay for? Who was there first?” – greenseraphima
“The place is in both of our names. It’s rented and we’re both on the lease. We moved in together last year.” – I_miss_sleep_dearly (OP)
On the AITA board, people are judged for how they react in a given situation, whether it’s the OP’s fault, someone else’s fault, or no one’s at all. This is done with one of the following acronyms.
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
It was determined that OP was NTA.
“NTA. He needs to be willing to compromise on not being on his phone and vaping in bed. Or maybe just get him his own separate bed.”
“Either way, the fact that he won’t accept that this is a problem is bad.” – -Quaint-
“Seems like you get no say on what happens in your home and no respect either. Your boyfriend f**king vapes while you sleep next to him? And can’t be arsed to go vape somewhere else? Jesus.”
“NTA you are entitled to sleep well.” – RICHCISWHITEMALE
“Oh my goodness that would drive most people crazy. I’d be kicking him out lol.”
“If he refuses to be more considerate and leave the room and let you sleep, separate bedrooms if possible. Or just start waking him up when he’s sleeping…a little petty revenge might make him realize just how annoying and frustrating it can be.” – Kare6Bear6
“NTA. It seems to me like he wants to live like a single man. Why is he in a relationship if he is not going to respect his partner’s needs?”
“Show him the answers on here, maybe he can wake up to how abnormal and selfish he is acting towards you.”
“Of course you are going to get snappy if he is the reason why you can’t get sleep even though you have communicated this with him and it is something easily avoidable. Seems to me like he wants to have the privileges that come with having a partner but none of the duties like respecting their needs.” – massivemusicsucker
It sounds like OP’s boyfriend needs to learn the “give” side of “give and take.” OP has made compromises in the name of the relationship, including having to put up with cats in the bed for an extended period of time.
People have different nighttime habits, but if they interfere with your partner’s ability to get rest, it’s likely they’re going to be rude to you.
Should OP be polite? Maybe, but the boyfriend could do more to prevent it.