High school is a rough time for a lot of people and a series of years that some really do not like to look back on.
But there are some people at the other end of the spectrum who are the reason why high school was so horrible, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor RuleVirtual6303 was one of those people who actively bullied their peers in high school.
When one of their victims reappeared in their life in a surprising way, the Original Poster (OP) wanted to bury their past and have their bullying years not come up again.
They asked the sub:
"WIBTA (Would I Be the A**hole) for not wanting a woman I used to bully at my wedding?"
The OP had created a decent life for themselves after high school.
"I wasn't a great person in high school. My friends and I had our own little clique and we weren't nice to some of our classmates."
"I tried going to college but it wasn't for me. I got a job at a car dealership and eventually started selling cars. I'm pretty good at it so I make a good living."
Their younger brother had gone in a different direction.
"My younger brother did great in university and he has a pretty good future ahead of him."
"After he graduated, he started working in the city, and there is a club there for graduates from his university."
"He ran into a girl that I wasn't very nice to in high school. She is a couple of years older than him but they started dating. I don't think she realized he was my brother. He likes that they grew up in the same town."
"They are at the meeting the family stage, and he brought her home for Christmas. My parents had sold their home after we all moved out so they didn't live in the same town anymore."
There was an awkward moment between the girlfriend and the OP.
"She recognized me right away. I didn't recognize her. I guess she got past the ugly duckling part of growing up. She is very physically attractive. She is also doing well in life."
"She didn't say anything until I approached her after dinner."
"She asked if I honestly couldn't remember her. I didn't. Until she reminded me of the stuff I used to do to her. I felt sick to my stomach."
"I immediately apologized for everything and said that I had been an a**hole kid and that I had grown up since then."
"She said that she was glad and that she accepted my apology."
The OP didn't want to have to see her again at their wedding.
"I sent out my wedding invitations recently and my brother RSVPed with his plus one."
"I asked him who he was bringing."
"He said that he was bringing his girlfriend. The girl from Christmas. So I guess she never mentioned me."
"I kind of want to ask him not to bring her. A lot of my old friends will be at the wedding and I don't want anything to happen."
"She forgave me but I still think it is kind of shady that she never brought up our past with my brother."
"Would it be an a**hole move if I asked him not to bring her to my wedding?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP hadn't really grown up or changed at all.
"You haven't matured. You don't even feel remorse. If you did, you would've apologized instead of worrying about how your family will see you should your brother's girl come clean about your wrongdoings." - quinteroreyes
"Calling you 'the a**hole' is way too nice, in my opinion. You are a bad person who has convinced yourself you are good."
"Re-evaluate yourself. The only way to 'grow up' is to be honest about who you are and try and change it. Simply declaring you are better now than you used to be doesn't make it so." - habsmd
"Have you really changed all that much? If you've invited your mean girl clique, maybe tell them to grow up and not cause trouble."
"Clearly, your former victim didn't cause a scene. And you've no way of knowing what she said to your brother."
"Why don't YOU be the wonderful person you now think you are and talk to HIM first? Did it not occur to you that this intelligent, educated, beautiful woman is trying NOT to cause trouble? She had every right to confront you. Every right. You ruined a period of her life."
"If you are the better person that you think you are, you'd warn any of your 'clique' they'd better behave or don't bother showing up."
"But you'd rather exclude your victim. That says tons about you." - Sock-United
"Not recognizing a victim is common for bullies like you. Bullies don't recognize their victims because they don't care about the things they did. The axe forgets, but the tree remembers."
"Real change and remorse come when you recognize your own faults and not hide them."
"Also, you are still friends with your bully friends says a lot about you." - RandoPanchie
"I'm confused about why you had to ask your brother who he was bringing. He brought her to meet your family at Christmas. Who else would be his plus-one?"
"She's done you a solid by not telling your brother what you did to her (yet). I have a feeling it's going to come out sooner or later, so you should probably be prepared for that."
"YTA, obviously. You're not truly worried about possible wedding drama. You're trying to avoid being outed as a bully."
"Rather than asking your brother to come alone/bring someone else, your best bet is to own up to what you did and let them decide if they want to participate."
"You need to let her know you're inviting your old clique, too. Hopefully, they didn't all peak in high school and have actually matured, but she deserves to know that before facing you all at once." - MonOubliette
Others agreed and thought the woman was being the bigger person.
"Have you maybe considered the fact that she doesn't want your brother to know how much of a bully his sibling is?" - UselessInteresting
"Why should she be the one to break the news and look like she's still holding grudges? It could be she didn't tell him because she's trying to move on from it all and one of those ways is leaving the past in the past. She did forgive you after all."
"Be mature and tell him yourself then. Explain to him how you were mean at high school and one of the people you bullied was his girlfriend, but you two spoke about it on Christmas, you apologized, and she accepted your apology."
"Let your group of friends know about her as well to lower the chances of anything awkward happening, and I'd also let the girlfriend know about the people that are gonna attend so she could prepare herself."
"To own the things you regret, you need to show remorse and be mature about the situation, not hide or avoid it. If your brother ends up marrying her, you wouldn't be able to keep hiding her or from her forever."
"If you end up uninviting her to avoid conflict, YWBTA (You Would Be the A**hole) and might also lose your brother in the process. Be smart about this." - lunaokazul
"If you're worried about what your old friends will do at your wedding… how about this: Contact them, tell them who your brother is dating, tell them she's to be treated extremely well and apologized to, and then focus on actually being a better person."
"This girl is not shady. She's being CLASSY by not broadcasting the horrific things you'd done to her. What are you going to do if your brother marries her?"
"Be an ACTUAL better person. Try to be friendly with this woman. Try to actually make up for the wretched s**t you did to her."
"Being able to admit that you've been wrong is a strength." - emorrigan
"YTA and still trying to bully her now, I'm guessing because she's probably prettier and smarter than you since her 'ugly ducking phase' is over. Mean girls always wear their jealousy on their sleeves."
"Maybe she never brought it up to your brother because she LIKES YOUR BROTHER. Newsflash: not everything is about you. Maybe she didn't realize until she saw you and didn't know how to tell your brother, and after you apologized, she felt no need to tell him."
"The reason you think it's shady is that YOU ARE SHADY, so you think everyone thinks twisted and shady like you. They don't, invite her, warn your friends that their karma has returned. You all deserve every guilty feeling you get from seeing her." - Pretty_Reputation_73
"YTA. You bullied her, but she's the shady one?"
"I honestly would want her to go, so you and your friends feel uncomfortable all night, but in reality, if I were her, I wouldn't even want to be bothered with you."
"And honestly, for all you know, she did tell your brother what happened, but they both decided not to bring it up to you to see if you'd be the bigger person and apologize first. But you didn't." - WickedAngelLove
The subReddit was left shaking their heads at the OP's priorities for their upcoming wedding. They weren't convinced that this Redditor had actually grown or matured since high school at all, and rather than taking ownership of their past actions, they were considering hiding them by making sure there was no way for their past victim to attend their wedding.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp