Content Warning: Sex Life, Erectile Dysfunction (ED), Discussions of Cheating and STDs
There are many things that can wreck a relationship, but three issues that come up more than others are money issues, sex life incompatibilities, and understanding each other’s communication styles.
But at the end of the day, it all goes back to communication, argued the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Regular-Reporter1607 was at a loss for what to do or what to think when her sex life with her boyfriend dissolved to nothing after he began ill.
But when he got better and refused to talk about why they still weren’t having sex, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t feel like she could stay in the relationship without an explanation.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my boyfriend that if he doesn’t want to have sex with me, then we need to break up?”
The OP had a great relationship with her boyfriend in every way.
“My boyfriend (26 Male) and I (21 Female) have been dating for a year or so, just a bit more. Our entire relationship has been very good, and I love him so, so much.”
“This issue has started within the last four months. During the beginning of our relationship, our sex life was great. The sex was good, the amount we had it had was good, all that. I genuinely never foresaw this becoming a problem.”
But then her boyfriend got sick.
“However, around the beginning of February, my boyfriend got really, really sick with what I think was the pandemic virus, but he never tested for it.”
“He’s fine now, but at the time, he probably lost 10 pounds just from the amount he was throwing up. He was sick for weeks. Obviously, during that time we never had sex, but we’ve literally never had sex again since then.”
“Even on our one-year anniversary, which was in March, he was feeling better, but there was no sex. Amazing dinner, so much fun afterward, but literally zero sex. I was slightly confused but I let it go.”
“After that, every single time I tried to initiate with him, he rejected me. At first, it was a gentle rejection that didn’t hurt me too much, and then it just became, ‘Stop, not right now,’ with zero effort or communication as to why.”
The OP was deeply confused about what was going on.
“I haven’t physically changed since the beginning of our relationship. He always told me how attractive I am, and I never had issues before him.”
“I don’t think it’s me, but I don’t know. It’s hard not to think it’s me after literally months of rejection. He also doesn’t even try with me anymore.”
“He still kisses me, even makes out with me, but he will never ever go further. I’ve tried so hard to ask him why and ask him if he’s okay, but he won’t communicate.”
“I’ve tried to offer other kinds of things besides sex, but he doesn’t want that, either.”
Then the boyfriend went one rejection too far.
“Eventually last week after yet another rejection, I broke down crying. I asked him why he was being this way with me, I asked him if he wasn’t attracted to me anymore, or if he was getting it elsewhere.”
“He told me all of that was wrong, and he seemed very apologetic, but yet again, he gave me no explanation as to why he was being like this.”
“I told him I was so frustrated, with him, with the situation, sexually, like I just don’t get it.”
“He offered no insight, just a bunch of kisses and, ‘I’m sorry.'”
The OP gave her boyfriend an ultimatum.
“I told him the next morning that we needed to rethink our relationship if he can’t even tell me why he won’t have sex with me.”
“I told him that if he doesn’t want me anymore, then he needed to break up with me and stop playing the long game and making me break up with him.”
“He was so, so, offended and honestly angry with me. He ended up calling me unfair and immature and slammed the door on his way out.”
“We haven’t talked much since then, but he’s apologized and been adamant that he doesn’t want to break up. I just don’t know what to do.”
“Am I the a**hole for giving him that ultimatum? Would you be able to do this?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some found the OP to be NTA and felt the true issue was communication.
“I’d end it if I were you.”
“The problem here is like many others have stated, he refuses to communicate why he won’t be intimate with you.”
“Granted, when you said he was sick for weeks throughout February, I doubt he was fully recovered in March so I probably wouldn’t be too keen for sex either. However, he absolutely refuses to discuss anything with you regarding his health or what he’s feeling.”
“He has no right to call you unfair or immature when he himself is not communicating like a child.”
“NTA. Ask him to get a full blood panel workup done. If he refuses, you have an answer: likely an STD that’s transmittable.” – Quiet-Hamster6609
“No, if he won’t communicate with you what the problem is and just offers a ‘sorry,’ then just leave, take it from someone that knows.”
“Illness, injury, antidepressants, how the results from the pandemic… Each of these can have an effect on libido. Sometimes it never comes back, but most times things can be done about it, but that person has to want to do something about it.”
“If he doesn’t want to address the problem with you, his partner, or a health professional, for the sake of his relationship, then he doesn’t value you over his own pride. Let him have his pride and be alone with it and hope it keeps him warm at night.” – Existing_Ad_2075
“If he won’t tell you what the problem is, there isn’t really much you can do other than break up and find someone more compatible. NTA.” – SuccessfulSeaweed385
“NTA. You don’t have a sex problem, you have a communication problem.”
“He might have ED. He might be having an affair. He might have a health problem affecting his libido.”
“All of that is irrelevant, because he won’t tell you. That’s your problem. He’s not talking to you, and without communication, there can be no trust and no relationship.”
“Either he gets over whatever is causing him to literally refuse to communicate, or your relationship cannot function and needs to end, for at least your sake, or really for both of you.”
“Because whatever it is he’s also unhappy if he can’t even talk to you.”
“At the end of the day, do you really see a future with a person who can unilaterally decide at any moment to make a decision that negatively affects both of you, and refuse to tell you why?” – savinathewhite
“I’ve been in a similar spot, except I’m the one who’s libido dropped. Life stress and depression have been extremely high.”
“But my boyfriend and I talked about it. I explained to him that I still love him, that I’m still attracted to him, but that my drive is in the toilet, probably because life is kicking our a$$es. He chose to stay, but I would have understood if he left because, for most people, sex is a very important part of a relationship.”
“Tell him he needs to talk to you about what’s going on or you’re gone. He’s either hiding something or is afraid to admit that he might have ED.”
“The lack of communication here is very telling of what your communication will be like in the future.”
“NTA, obviously, but your boyfriend is.” – brandedbypulse
Others had suspicions that the OP’s boyfriend knew exactly what was wrong.
“Young lady, I don’t know what it is exactly, but he DEFINITELY knows and is unwilling to share for whatever reason.”
“I feel for you and wish you nothing but the best. Hopefully, he mans up and shares what the issue(s) is so you might understand or free you to move on.” – Left-Art-1045
“Umm, I don’t know if anyone has said this already, but y’all need to be tested before you have sex again.” – wopwopwopwopwop5
“Sick for weeks (including vomiting, which is not a common/prominent symptom of the pandemic virus) but never tested for the virus, then suddenly won’t have sex even after feeling better for a long while?”
“This all could have definitely been due to the onset of HIV (which also unfortunately indicates cheating, or drug use/sharing needles, either way a breach of trust).”
“OP should definitely get tested!” – cozy-existentialist
“D**n. Maybe alter the ultimatum slightly? It seems that you’re at least equally as bothered by his utter lack of communication regarding this.”
“Be like, ‘Hey, I want to stay with you and I want us to be happy, and if that’s gonna happen I need to understand why our sex life has changed so much. Your refusal to talk about it is really hurting me and I don’t know how much longer I can handle this lack of communication.'” – browzinbrowzin
“You’re not breaking up due to lack of sex. You’re breaking up because he won’t talk to you about it.”
“It seems something medical/psychological which hopefully can be addressed but if he is denying doing anything to fix it or talk to you about it there isn’t anything else you can do.”
“The pandemic virus can have long-lasting consequences… Maybe it’s left him impotent, or he’s afraid it has, so he won’t even try.”
“Before you give up, ask him to see a doctor. If he won’t, try counseling. If he doesn’t even try that, I’m not sure what else you can do.”
“Ask him if he’s incapable or just doesn’t want it with you. Ask the hard questions and then you’ll know what to do. It’s hard to get past the changes if he won’t even talk to you.”
“NTA.” – OrdinaryMango4008
The subReddit was deeply concerned about what was going on with the OP’s boyfriend and what he was potentially hiding from her. It was clear to them that she needed to get tested, just in case, and also demand that her boyfriend communicate with her, or else it was time for her to go.
Whether or not sex is an issue, communication has to be in place for any relationship to work, period.