We’ve all heard about the closer-than-usual opposite-sex best friends.
You know the ones: they’re like brother and sister, they’ve stuck together through thick and thin, and they could never look at each other “like that.”
You might even say it’s a tale as old as time, but it’s an absolute deal breaker for some people, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor LavenderPonies had been dating a guy she really liked for about a year, but as much as she liked him, she could not shake the feeling she had when she saw her boyfriend and his best female friend together.
After overhearing her boyfriend compliment his best friend, the Original Poster (OP) decided to confront him about his friendship right in the middle of her big birthday dinner, in front of everyone. Oops.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for exposing my boyfriend’s ‘girl best friend’ at my birthday dinner?”
The OP was uncomfortable with her boyfriend’s female best friend.
“I (20 Female) have been dating my boyfriend (22 Male) for about a year now. He has this ‘girl best friend,’ Emily (21 Female), who has been a constant presence in his life.”
“She’s always texting him, calling him, and hanging out with him alone, which I’ve voiced my discomfort about several times.”
“He insists that they’re just friends, but I’ve always felt a bit off about their closeness, especially since he always makes excuses to hang out with her rather than spend time with me.”
But then the OP’s boyfriend said something that took the OP’s discomfort too far.
“A few weeks ago, I overheard a conversation between him and Emily, where he was talking about how ‘lucky’ he was to have her in his life and how she was ‘the one person who truly understands him.'”
“I don’t know, something about it felt… not just friendly. I didn’t confront him about it right away because I wanted to gather my thoughts.”
It all came out during the OP’s big birthday dinner.
“Fast forward to my birthday dinner with both of our families. We’re all sitting around, having a great time, and I’m already feeling a little off since I knew Emily was going to be there.”
“At some point during dinner, Emily made a comment about how ‘he’s the best boyfriend ever,’ and I, out of nowhere, blurted out, ‘He sure is, but he’s also the best at lying to me.'”
“The entire table went silent. I then went on to explain everything I’d overheard, the countless times he prioritized her over me and how uncomfortable it made me.”
“My boyfriend was stunned, and honestly, so was I. I didn’t mean to blow up like that, but it felt like the right moment to confront it all.”
“His family was super awkward and didn’t know how to react. His mom started comforting him, saying I shouldn’t have aired that out in front of everyone.”
“Emily started crying, and my boyfriend just kept apologizing, saying it wasn’t what I thought. But honestly, I didn’t believe him anymore.”
The OP wasn’t sure what to do next.
“After dinner, we barely spoke. I’ve been getting texts from him, apologizing and asking for us to talk, but I feel like he’s been gaslighting me the whole time.”
“So now, I’m stuck wondering if I really overreacted or if I was right to call him out in front of everyone.”
“AITAH for exposing his relationship with Emily at my birthday dinner?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she had every right to call the situation what it was.
“Honestly, NTA. If they were ‘just friends,’ he should’ve been more respectful of your boundaries from the start. You didn’t plan the dinner drama, but you had every right to call out the weirdness. Your birthday shouldn’t feel like third-wheeling in your own relationship.” – NaughyBabePrincess
“Your boyfriend clearly isn’t respecting your boundaries or your feelings. You’ve expressed your discomfort multiple times, and he’s still making excuses for this girl being in his life in such an intimate way.”
“Honestly, why was she even invited to your birthday if it was bothering you so much? Stop wasting your time on someone who’s not giving you the respect you deserve OP. NTA.” – xSparkleNights
“NTA. Stop wasting your energy on your boyfriend. He’s shown you he doesn’t respect you. You have told him how uncomfortable you are with this girl.”
“Why was she at your birthday? That’s a time for people you love, not for who your boyfriend loves.” – Adoremenow
Others also thought that the boyfriend’s mom had behaved oddly.
“I find his mom’s reaction to be a bit strange. Saying you should not have aired that out in front of everyone?” – Comfortable-Focus123
“Mom probably really likes Emily and wishes the OP’s boyfriend would dump the OP and get with Emily. While Emily is probably the one with feelings, and he’s probably denying feelings or just really dumb about picking up the signs.” – Confident-Nav6767
“‘The one person who truly understands him…’Â So what’s OP, chopped liver? Couples are supposed to be PARTNERS, and he’s seeking emotional support elsewhere.”
“And it doesn’t seem like OP was emotionally absent or pushing him away. He chooses his best friend over OP on a regular basis.”
“I’d dip out. No point being a third wheel in THEIR relationship. Especially with a mom clapping in the background, cheering for the wrong relationship.”
“NTA.” – Nearby-Elevator-3825
But some felt the OP shouldn’t date a guy with a female friend if she couldn’t handle it.
“Boundaries are for yourself. Not to be placed on others. If she had an issue with her boyfriend having a girl best friend, then she needs to remove herself from the relationship.” – Some-Show9144
“I think I’m in the minority here, but I truly think it’s possible to have a best friend of the opposite sex without anything going on. I was Emily when I was in my teens and 20s. My friend and I stayed over at one another’s place, and slept in the same bed almost every weekend. It was 100% platonic. We cared for one another just like any pair of really close friends would, but there was nothing physical happening.”
“I will say when he’d get a girlfriend, I would do my best to kind of step back a bit because I didn’t expect the girlfriend to understand. Relationships usually ended with his girlfriends insisting something was going on. The people I dated never seemed to question it, and I always appreciated that trust.”
“If you can’t trust that nothing is going on then find a new boyfriend. Either there is something going on, and him and Emily are complete a**holes, or nothing is going on and you’re asking him to stop being friends with someone he considers a really close friend.” – Antique-Change2347
“When people have friendships of the opposite sex, it can bring out massive insecurities in partners. It shows that they still subscribe to the ‘men and women can’t ever just be friends’ belief. Which is ridiculous.”
“You have every right to break up with someone for any reason, and if you feel uncomfortable at their closeness, then go for it. Airing your insecurities in front of everybody just shows that you don’t trust him. It’s not worth being with someone who doesn’t trust you.” – deklawwed
Others also thought that the birthday party was not the time to have that conversation.
“That was a confrontation that should have happened privately. Doing it in front of both your families was messy and immature.” – litgeek70
“NTA. It sounds like your birthday dinner turned into an episode of ‘Drama at the Dinner Table’ without you intending it. While it’s generally better to handle these kinds of sensitive issues privately, sometimes emotions can get the best of us, especially when feelings of being sidelined are bottled up for too long.”
“If your boyfriend’s behavior with Emily was making you feel like a third wheel in your own relationship, you had a right to express that.”
“However, public confrontations can escalate tensions and make resolutions harder. It might be beneficial to have a calm, private conversation about boundaries and expectations with your boyfriend to see if the relationship can be salvaged or if it’s time to move on.” – softtladysZ3
“As a 28-year-old female with a male best friend, there’s a level of maturity on everyone’s part that’s required here. SHE is not always texting him, calling him, and hanging out with him. THEY are texting each other, calling each other, and hanging out with each other.”
“I’m going to get downvoted to all h**l, but sometimes friendships really are just friendships. There are definitely way too many situations where one or both members of the friendship cross boundaries and that needs to be addressed as the breaking of trust that it is, but with close friendships in general, sometimes there is a dynamic there that you’re not a part of that you need to accept.”
“It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend has actually lied to you, but if there’s anything that’s happened that you’re uncomfortable with, it’s your responsibility to confront him and ask him to set the boundaries between him and his friend.”
“Depending on a lot of factors, you need to be prepared for him to pick her over you, or you need to be prepared to walk away if he isn’t willing to compromise on his friendship for you.”
“I’m obviously a lot older than you and am in a long-term relationship with my best friend’s long-term male friend (we were all friends before my boyfriend and I got together), so I recognize that my situation is a lot different than yours, but you and your boyfriend both need to evaluate where your priorities in your lives and relationships are.”
“These situations take a lot of trust, effort, and transparency to work, and it’s not your responsibility or your boyfriend’s to compromise on the relationships in your lives to a point that either of you is uncomfortable with. Good luck, these things are tough.” – newdawndesign
While the subReddit could empathize with the OP that this was a lot to process and that her emotions had likely gotten away from her, most reminded her that there would have been a better time to have that conversation than in front of a dinner party.
If the OP wanted to resolve the relationship or at least end things on good terms, she’d need to have another conversation with her boyfriend about her feelings and see what could be resolved and what was set in stone.