Transparency is important in a relationship.
Keeping something hidden from your partner, no matter the reason, has the potential to put a strain on your relationship should said secret be discovered.
Redditor y was not at all pleased to learn that her fiancé kept what she felt was a fairly significant piece of information from her, believing it deeply affected their impending marriage.
But concerned that she overreacted, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for calling my fiancé a jerk?”
The OP first shared how she and her fiancé both have children from previous relationships, and noticed something rather unusual regarding the sleeping arrangements in her fiancé’s house.
“My (28 F[emale]) fiancé (38 M[ale]) proposed to me last week.”
“We’ve been dating for 2 years.”
“He has a 15-year-old daughter from a previous marriage, her mom passed away 5 years ago, and I have a 6-year-old son.”
“When my fiancé and I started to date, I noticed that his daughter had the master bedroom.”
“I found it weird because I’ve never seen a child taking over the master bedroom before, but he brushed it off saying that the house was ”hers” so it was normal she slept there, with no further explanation.”
“I thought he meant as in inheritance from when he passed away, which still was weird because he was alive, but either way, I didn’t say anything because we were only beginning and I knew it wasn’t my business.”
But as they began to plan their life together as husband and wife, it eventually became clearer to the OP what her fiancé meant by saying his house belonged to his daughter, and his answer did not please her one bit.
“Now that we’re engaged, I said that I wanted to move here to live together for a while before we decided the wedding date.”
“He said that we could do it or we could get our own house now, because we will have to do it regardless.”
“I asked what was wrong with this one and he said nothing, but that it was his daughter’s.”
“To be honest now I did get a little mad, I said it wasn’t fair he called it his daughter’s when we were about to get married and he was supposed to adopt my son, so now the house should be theirs and not only hers.”
“I also said I wanted his daughter out of the master because it was ours.”
“He got a little nervous and said that the house really belonged to his late wife and when she passed, the house became his daughter’s.”
“He has enough money for maybe 60% of a house, but that we will have to pay off the rest together.”
“I was shocked and said that he could ask his daughter for the house because she’s only 15 and he is her dad but he said no, that it was his daughter’s.”
“I got angry and called him a jerk because he should’ve told me the truth before, and he said that it’s not like we will be homeless or anything.”
“We still have 3 years, and maybe 4 after that because his daughter will leave for college.”
“He said he has always known he has to move out and that’s why he saved.”
“I asked what else belonged to his daughter that I didn’t know of and he said that his car, a 2020 KIA, the car that I always use will be hers when she leaves for college.”
“I called him a jerk again and left with my son to my parent’s house.”
“When I told my family my brother laughed because I talked and acted like a gold digger and called me an AH.”
“I felt betrayed and lied to, am I really the a**hole?”
“I think I’m justified.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community did not sympathize with the OP, agreeing she was the a**hole for the way she behaved towards her fiancé.
Many felt that this was something the OP should have addressed with her fiancé much sooner, and a free house shouldn’t be the be all and end all of their relationship.
“Have you never talked about your financial future/house plans before getting engaged?”
“It seems very strange to me that this has never come up in more detail than the initial thing about the daughter’s bedroom.”-Left-Car6520.
I don’t understand how it’s lies and betrayal?”
“He did tell you, you just thought it meant something different.”
“You didn’t ask for clarification, he didn’t offer it, probably a mistake on both sides as you should have had that talk before getting engaged.”
“It’s a weird situation for sure, but you can’t just take his daughter’s house from her so YTA for that.”
“Sure you aren’t getting what you thought you were getting in terms of living space after marriage but it’s that the only reason you were with him?”
“If so then, yeah you do sound like a gold digger.”
“If not then talk to him.”
“There’s a lot of talking it seems like you are missing before you get married so may as well start now.”-Aenthralled.
“Let me count the ways.”
“1. You should have clarified what he meant when he said the house was his daughter’s inheritance.”
“2. You don’t respect your fiancé’s role as father and steward of her property.”
“3. You think you are entitled to this child’s property and to displace her.”
“4. Same w/the car.”
“5. You obviously don’t care about having a good relationship with your soon to be stepdaughter.”
“6. The name calling was mild, but really doesn’t bode well for your relationship.”- flaky-burnt.
“I’m gonna say YTA.”
“What exactly didn’t he tell you?”
“He said it was her house which you interpreted as inheritance which was correct.”
“You were just wrong in who she’d inherited the house from.”
“Granted he could’ve been more specific but he was not wrong in saying it’s her house when it is.”
“I do think it’s kinda shitty of you to ask him to go to her and ask if he can have the house to move in his new wife to be and her son.”
“Also to give up the master bedroom in a house she’d now be the master of.”
“You’re mad because a car you use all the time isn’t his?”
“Why is that a problem for you?”
“Don’t you have a vehicle?”
“I don’t think he’s being a jerk I think he’s respecting his late wife’s will and her wishes which have nothing to do with you.”
“It is weird you got mad about being told that stuff that’s not yours not being yours just cause you were going to be married.”
“It does come across as a bit gold diggery to me.”-LazyManGames1992.
While others felt that it was truly generous for the late wife of the OP’s fiancé to leave the house to her daughter and the OP was not entitled to an opinion on the matter.
“Bless the late wife’s choice to leave the house in her daughter’s name.”
“Although I might find the bedroom allocation a little funny, it’s up to them.”
“OP is not entitled to push the daughter out.”
“Expecting fiancé to take the car and the house back because she’s just a kid is a recipe to remain a single mother and makes OP the AH.”- This_Grab_452.
“It sounds like his wife did the right thing to insure that her daughter always has a home – considering you’re now trying to push her out of it.”
“My parents are split, and I’m the youngest.”
“both parents agreed that the house goes to me and since the divorce the house has been put under my name.”
“Not my dads, why?”
“Because it insured that I will have a home to live in if anything happens to them, and my father always said that if he ever dates or remarries – his future partner will NOT be pushing me out because I was here first.”
“This is MY home that I grew up in.”
“Obviously it will be mine and no one else’s.”
“Sounds like your fiancés wife did the same thing, but since she’s deceased – she won’t be able to make sure her child will be okay.”
“So she did the one thing that she could to make sure that her daughter WILL be okay.”
“And she did a great job.”- dinkydish
“You are not entitled to his house or his car and the fact that they are actually his daughter’s means you are even less entitled to them.”
“Your brother has the correct assessment.”
“Don’t marry this man, he and his daughter deserve better than you.”- MotherOfCrotchFruit.
“YTA, your brother is right, you sound like a gold digger.”- SeaGlass-76.
“Yes, you are YTA.”
“Why do you feel entitled to your fiancé’s late wife’s house?”
“It now belongs to their daughter.”
“Grow up and start sharing financial responsibility with your fiancé.”- nothingclever4now
“YTA. If I left my things to my daughters when I pass, and my husband bullied them into giving it to his new girlfriend, I’d be livid.”
“How entitled can you be. Were you planning to alienate the daughter right away?” – CaulkRamwell
“My whole life, my mom told me and my sister that when she died, the house that she had built when we were kids, was to be ours and no one else’s. It was common knowledge, we were very open about it being ‘our house’ (we didn’t live in it, it was rented out at the time.)”
“When my mom died, my stepdad sold it to buy himself a Harley so he could impress his new girlfriend. He was about 70 at the time.”
“YTA for wanting to essentially do the same. We were devastated.”
“It’s not your house.” – jezebel829
“YTA. You sound like a very selfish person who loves assuming everything is about her and will be hers. Your fiancé is making the right choice; he sounds like a great father.”
“Also, his late wife was an amazing person who knew people like you would try to take advantage of her daughter and her husband.”
“In the future, instead of making assumptions, make sure you communicate better, ask questions, ask for clarifications.” – FlowerNo4588
“YTA and this entire post makes me want to call a lawyer and draft a will to leave everything to my kids in case my husband isn’t smart enough to avoid gold diggers like you.”
“I’ll probably do that today.”
“I cannot believe the sheer audacity and cruelty of someone who would so willingly try to coerce a teenager’s inheritance from her. Yikes.” – jbeex5
“YTA. Are you even hearing yourself? The sheer audacity to even complain or throw a fit is insane.”
“Sounds like a classic case of an entitled brat.”
“The girl has already lost her mother and she’s probably dealing with a lot. Get over yourself.” – Unlucky_Wrongdoer_34
“He’s probably moving out by his choice. I doubt his daughter is telling him that he has to leave.”
“He’s probably told her that she deserves the things that his wife left her and it sounds like he’s done a decent job of preparing for it.”
“I don’t know why you think he owed you more than what he gave you.”
“He didn’t know you were planning to marry him so you’d get his house and his car. YTA.” – TheShawnWray
“YTA… you sound really malicious. She’s already lost enough yet you want more.”
“If anything you sound like you want him for money.”
“He’s not a jerk for honouring his late wife’s wishes.” – TobyADev
“YTA. What kind of cruel person becomes a potential stepmother and immediately throws a tantrum because her own child can’t have some of the house that the new stepchild inherited from their late mother?!”
“It’s not like you were becoming homeless. He told you it was a temporary living situation but he had some money saved and obviously intended to save more in the coming time until you had to move out.”
“Also, why does he have to be the one providing you with everything?”
“Why don’t you have your own car?”
“Definitely giving gold digger vibes. Maybe get your own things in order before throwing a fit about others.” – IrkedCupcake
The OP later returned to disclose her fiancé caught wind of her post, which not surprisingly affected their relationship.
“He saw the post and asked for his ring back.”
“I guess this isn’t a problem anymore.”
“He’ll come tomorrow to get his ring and his car, things are over.”
A sad conclusion to what likely could have been resolved with some empathy from the OP toward her fiancé’s child.