As relationships progress, a natural next step when things get serious is to move in together.
No matter how much you might love your partner, doing so is nonetheless a big adjustment.
As you might quickly realize that your habits and views of hyegiene and cleanliness, or tastes in music or television shows.
Then too, some people just enjoy living on their own and want that to stay the same.
The girlfriend of Redditor fireworksatlakemich suddenly found herself in need of accommodation.
She thought she had a good idea for a temporary place to live until she landed on something more permanent.
Much to her surprise, however, the original poster nixed this idea.
Potentially putting their relationship in jeopardy by doing so.
Wondering if they were out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not letting my girlfriend crash at my place while she finds a new apartment?"
The OP explained why they didn't think their girlfriend's solution to temporary accommodation was a good idea:
"My girlfriend and I have been together for a little under two years now."
"Things have been going well I think."
"Her roommate has moved out of state and now my girlfriend needs a place to stay temporarily (we both work and live in a fairly large city - i.e. not easy to find affordable arrangements)."
"My place is pretty spacious, yes."
"However it's just not suitable for anything more than 1 person."
"My uncle gave me this loft (and the 50% of assets he didn't donate to charity) and was a bachelor all his life, which is definitely how the space is intended to be used."
"If I had to pay for a similar space in this part of the city, it would be $5-6k+ rent, i.e. 30-35% of my pre tax pay, so I definitely don't want to move anytime soon."
"If you don't know what a loft is, my bedroom is on another floor from the living room/kitchen area, but there's no physical wall between them."
"This means you can literally hear everything."
"Great for living by myself, not tolerable with anyone else long term."
"That would mean I can't play on my pc in the bedroom late at night or watch tv in the living room."
"If you wake up in the middle of the night and want a quesadilla, you can definitely smell what's being cooked in the kitchen and hear the blower."
"There's also very little privacy anywhere besides the bathroom."
"I'm sure there are some entire families living in arrangements like this, but there are also families living in huts or closet apartments in Hong Kong."
"My girlfriend would have to commute 70-80 minutes to get here from her parents house."
"However she assured me she would only need 3 months to find a place so it's not as if that'd be a long term situation."
"There's plenty of people who commute everyday, it's no big deal."
"I really don't think she has any reason to be so upset with me about not wanting to do this."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who all but unanimously agreed that the was, indeed the a**hole for not letting their girlfriend stay with them as she looked for a new place.
Not only did everyone find the OP's decision selfish, but many questioned why the OP even wanted to stay in this relationship if they were so set in their ways and didn't think they could share their loft space.
"YTA."
"And you think she'll be wanting to spend over an hour one way to drop by your place for bootycalls now that you've made clear it's all you see her as?"
"LOL."- Basic-Regret-6263
"YTA."
"Do you love this person and see a future with them someday or is she just a f*ck buddy to you?"
"If you love her I can't imagine how you'd think it's ok to be so callous in her moment of need."
"If you don't love her or see a real future with her, maybe it's time to sit down and have a talk so she can decide if she's cool with that or can move on to someone who does."
"The inconveniences you list pale in comparison to that long of a commute."
"You think it's reasonable for her to spend over two hours a day a day driving so you don't have maybe get some headphones to watch TV at night?"
"You might smell and hear cooking noises."
"Oh the humanity."
"Are you gonna be the type to get mad that she never has time to see you/f*ck you anymore now that she spends all her waking hours working or driving?"
"Then dump her for not being available."
"Everything you list is something you could work around for 3 months."
"I shared a loft with a bf in college and it's not the end of the world."- UrbanDryad
"Imagine being with someone for 2 years and they rather play video games then give you a place to stay?"- Comfortable-Chef-829
"And if you continue this behaviour, I am pretty sure you will be like your uncle and be a bachelor for the rest of your life."
"Your post sounds a lot like 'my effing buddy who thinks that she is my girlfriend wants to live with me for a short while, but I rather let her commute 70 to 80 minutes anytime I feel the need to f*ck her than to actually live in a relationship'."
"YTA."- blueeyed94
"YTA."
"We get it - you aren't really into your gf and don't care if she has to commute over an hour every morning and evening, so long as you can play games at night."
"Why haven't you broken up with her already?"
"You clearly have no intentions of ever marrying her or moving in with her, you're just stringing her along."- Ornery-Wasabi-473
"So... you're unwilling to inconvenience yourself for just a few months so your girlfriend doesn't have to commute for hours every day?"
"I assume you'll still expect her to come by for sex?"
"After you're finished gaming, of course."
"If she were just a friend or a f*ck buddy, my vote would be NTA."
"As she's your girlfriend of two years, I think she should dump your selfish ass."
"YTA."- HoshiJones
"YTA."
"It's a couple months of living together in a studio."
"It's not ideal but sometimes you deal with less than ideal for your SO, especially if it's someone you're in a long term relationship with."
"You could at least offer a month or two to see how it goes."
"Plus, you've been dating your gf for almost 2 years and it sounds like she's trying to sign another year long lease."
"If this isn't a place you can move your GF into, shouldn't you be thinking about how to rent it out so you can actually live with your GF?"- dobbysreward
"YTA."
"And from the comments, just be single."
"You very very obviously don't give a flying fig about your gf."- affablysynchronized
"I don't know if you realize this, but you have zero desire to live with her."
"All of your concerns are about video games and cooking in the middle of the night."
"Have you even told her about these and gotten her feedback?"
"Also, at 2 years, has there been any discussion about finding something together?"
"YTA for making this about your desire to game and cook during the night than seeing your girlfriend."
"A 70-80 minute commute is a huge pain in the a** and you'll probably only see her on weekends."
"Maybe less, if you'll have these same issues with her staying for the whole weekend."- Malibu921
"I'm probably gonna be in the minority, but YTA for a specific reason."
"The fact that you care more about not being able to play video games at night than the fact that your girlfriend has to find a place to live temporarily says everything I need to know."-littlestchamomile
"YTA, do you see yourself in a long term possibly marry to your girlfriend down the line?"
"If so, I see no problem with letting her stay with you until she finds her own place no matter how long it'll take her because in the end you guys will be living together when you guys are marry right."
"Unless you plan on living in 2 separate place as well."
"Base on your reasons as to why you don't want her to move in, it seem as though you want to follow in your uncle footstep and stay a bachelor."- BS_Detector2023
When living alone, it's certainly easy to find yourself in a routine, which you don't like straying from.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
Unless, of course, you one day want to share your life with someone else, in which case compromises and sacrifices will have to be made.
Something the OP will hopefully realize if they want to stay in this relationship.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.