My house, my rules.
That is a home tagline many people know well.
Usually it's parents saying it to their kids.
But who knew adults tend to have to say it to other adults?
Case in point...
Redditor Username_alt354 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my sister to stop leaving her room when she's wearing her nightgown?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My 26, female, sister moved in with me 29, female, and my husband 32, male, days ago after her divorce was finalized."
"Then she lost her job and was no longer able to pay rent for her apartment."
"We're mostly in agreement about everything except, I've been kind of having an issue with what she wears, especially at nighttime when she unwinds and tends to relax a bit as she says."
"I think that what she wears is inappropriate."
"She usually wear silky nightwear (nightgowns mostly)."
"She says that's just 'her style' and is what she's been wearing for years."
"Not just that, but she'd come out of her room dressing like that to grab water or use the bathroom."
"While yes, it was just me who saw her dressed like that I honestly could not risk having an argument with my husband over it."
"I suggested she buys some pjs but she said that she doesn't 'feel comfortable' in them."
"Last night, I saw her in the kitchen grabbing something from the fridge and was dressed in a purple, strapped, knee length nightgown."
"I tried to speak to her about it but it didn't go well."
"We started arguing and I ended up telling her to stop leaving her room when she's wearing stuff like that and she argued that there was nothing wrong with what she was wearing."
"That it wasn't like she was walking around naked or anything of the sort."
"I told her it's my home and she's a guest and should just respect my request but she responded saying that just because she lives in my house does not mean that I have the right to control what she wears then stormed off to her room."
"We haven't talked since then and she is refusing to talk about it."
"I wanna post a pic of the nightgown but don't know how."
"I'll see what I can do."
"Edit: here's the dress. It's not identical but close to what she was wearing, very close."
"Look at it and give your judgement."
"Let me know if the link is not working."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"YTA. She's wearing a knee-length night gown."
"What next? She can't show her shoulders?"
"A little bit of cleavage? Her ankles?" ~ DogsReadingBooks
"Nah, not wearing shoes in the house is a matter of hygiene and not creating more housework for yourself."
"OPs sister's knee length nightgown isn't tracking in dirt from outside or creating an environment that requires OP to clean more - it's simply a matter of her not liking it."
"It's not reasonable to ask someone to alter their clothing just because you don't like it."
"I wouldn't be able to ban anyone from wearing a denim maxi skirt in my home just because I think they're ugly."
"YTA, OP." ~ cmelissa27
"She's wearing a knee length nightgown to get a drink or go to the bathroom."
"OP's husband didn't even see her in it so the argument isn't even over something that's happened."
"It's unhinged to expect people to buy clothes they wouldn't feel comfortable in when there's nothing wrong with what she's actually wearing, which she's mostly only wearing in her bedroom anyway."
"If OP's husband is a cheater or a pervert then that's between OP and her husband and not the fault of the sister in any way." ~ infieldcookie
"OP is being overly controlling and has deep insecurities."
"OP has issues that she needs to address."
"But it's also a d**k move to move in, presumably not pay rent or pay a minor amount (no job, couldn't afford own place), presumably eat someone's food and then button press your sibling who is paying for all of the above."
"If sister knows OP has insecurity issues, that's double AH move."
"I'm sure sister will be shocked when/if she is told she's going to have to find another place. Which would have been the more mature thing."
"'Oy, can you please wear less revealing clothing because it's a bit awkward in a shared home.'"
"'No. - Okey dokey, I respect your decision, you are an adult that can wear whatever you want, you do you.'"
"'Please move out in 30 days. Our lifestyles as roommates aren't compatible.'" ~ ExcitingTabletop
"It's knee length... strappy means equivalent to a tank top/camisole which are often worn on their own on the top half of the body anyway."
"It's not revealing and OP needs to sort out her own issues instead of whining because her sister wants to be comfortable after having 3 of the scientifically most stressful life events happen in quick succession."
"Yes OP is doing her sister a favor by letting her live there but it's not like the woman is walking around in lingerie sets with everything on show." ~ Corpsegoth
"Purple, strapped, and knee length?"
"What is wrong with that?! Are you a nun?"
"Is it sheer/see through?"
"Can you see her t*ts and her a**? No? YTA." ~TheLovelyMadamToh
"YTA. What are you worried about?"
"Does your husband have a history of cheating?" ~ Pepper-90210
"I have to agree with this, the only description we got is she wore a strapped shoulder knee length gown."
"That's akin to a spaghetti tank top and a skirt."
"I was expecting her to say she wore a** showing baby doll dresses or something but seems more like she's afraid of shoulders and silk material?"
"Bit weird. If she bought a silky half height silk robe would that also be too sexy to grab water?" ~ Commonpixels
"YTA. If you are insecure about your husband then say it."
"If you are insecure your sister might seduce your husband then say it."
"But to try and control what another woman is wearing is absurd."
"You are projecting your fears." ~ laylay1287
"YTA. She's wearing a nightgown that's knee length or longer to walk around the house and you admit your husband hasn't seen or said anything about it."
"How is that inappropriate?"
"Do you have a body image issue?"
"Does your husband have a wondering eye?"
"If so, you two would need to deal with that on your own."
"I don't see the issue." ~ YouThinkImHilarious
"If it's down to the knees and not showing off anything other than shoulders, then I fail to see why it's a big deal."
"If it was actual lingerie, then yes, I'd understand you getting upset, but it's just a nightgown. YTA." ~ Dr4k3L0rd
"YTA. I don't know if you're aware but your husband can open his phone and look at as many naked women as he want."
"if you're worried about your husband seeing your sister in a night gown that literally covers up a lot of her body and is knee length."
"I think your husband is the problem and not your sister." ~zoealice_
Now there were a few Redditors who felt differently...
"NTA, while it can certainly be argued that you are being overly sensitive, that is subjective and hard to measure."
"What is easy to measure and clear is that you're doing her a favor by giving her somewhere to stay when she needs it."
"And I do not think it is unreasonable that you ask her to respect this simple request for how to behave in your home."
"Whether one thinks the request is a bit silly or not doesn't change that it is a simple request, and you are doing her a good favor in turn." ~ ipofex
"Yeah I'm not getting all these 'YTA' and jumping to the idea that her husbands got wandering eyes and she's insecure."
"People have different standards of modesty and considering she's letting her sister live under her roof and eat her food for free I think op's well within her right to tell the sister to wear something less revealing." ~1x1W
"NTA. It really doesn't matter the reason why you're uncomfortable with it."
"The fact is it's your home and you don't have to feel uncomfortable in your home because you were trying to be nice and help some one out while they're getting on their feet."
"If they don't like your boundaries in your own home they should probably leave."
"Your sister sounds entitled and ungrateful that you even let her stay there."
"No good deed goes un punished." ~ Quick-Store2989
"I absolutely cannot fathom all the YTA votes."
"Of course you're NTA!"
"It's your house - you and your husband get to determine what you are comfortable with."
"She can wear whatever she wants in the privacy of her own room, but she should respect your wishes in common areas - all she needs to do is throw on a robe."
"If she can't be a good guest, then perhaps she shouldn't be a guest at all."
"The nerve of some people!" ~ jmccorky
Well OP, Reddit has a lot of thoughts here.
Hopefully you and your sister can come to an understanding.
And a peaceful living arrangement can commence.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp