Wanting time to yourself when you're married can be controversial in some relationships. And when you even want to be alone on your birthday? It can easily stir up some drama.
That's what happened to a woman on Reddit who was tired of her husband never doing anything for her birthday. But when she booked a getaway by herself instead, her husband got upset.
She wasn't sure about how she'd handled things, so she went to the AITA subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by the name Throwrabdaytrips on the site,asked:
"AITA for going on a birthday trip alone without my husband?"
She explained:
"The last few years on my birthday, I was pretty sad because my husband didn't show me affection on my birthday at all."
"I would ask him the day before to initiate cuddling or give me a hug at least but all he would do is say happy birthday as if we were just friends."
"I didn't feel loved, and he normally never initiates affection either verbal or physical. But it is always harder on my birthday."
"This year I didn't want to be sad and reminded that my husband just sees me as a friend so my birthday weekend, I booked 2 nights at a hot springs hotel."
"I told him I was going and it turns out he assumed he was coming but I left right after work on Friday and that night he blew up my phone saying I'm selfish and only care about myself."
"I explained why I had wanted some time to myself, that I didn't want to feel rejected and that I needed some time where I could forget about being sad but he still said that husbands and wives are supposed to do things together and that I'm not a team player."
"I want to know if I really was wrong and selfish or if it's understandable that I didn't invite him."
People on Reddit were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Responses varied, but for the most part Redditors were on the same page that while OP did nothing wrong, her marriage definitely has some very bright red flags.
"NTA, you're looking after yourself because he won't. He might be mad about not going with you, but I don't think he would have cuddled you if he was there."
"From what you've said, he doesn't really want to be affectionate like that, so it really feels like he's mad that he doesn't get to go on holiday more than anything."
"The angry phone call also feels like him venting frustration and blaming you when he's made this bed and is annoyed to lay in it."
"You've already asked him to do something small - embracing your spouse shouldn't be a chore. I'm sorry he's not doing this."
"I wish I knew why he didn't, but you're not to blame for being good to yourself and putting yourself first on your own birthday."
"Definitely keep doing this the rest of the year, too. You deserve to be treasured." --avanthusiast
"OP 'felt bad' so she booked him a trip to the same place for the weekend 'by himself'."
"IMHO that makes this whole situation ESH. She's literally enabling and catering to him and then has the gall to complain he's acting like a brat? Gee I'm shocked that he throws tantrums to get what he wants."
"I'm sorry but I just don't have endless sympathy and understanding for people who play such a major part in their own misery, refuse to do anything about it then have the nerve to whine about it."
"You're not innocent OP. You want a change in your life then do. the. work.. Stop enabling him ffs. Stop giving him what he wants."
"You literally stood up for yourself just to fold in the end so what exactly was the point?" --FoxUniCarKilo
"If she has to ask for it and even so he doesn't even do this small affectionate gesture for her, he'll never change nor does he want to because he feels comfortable getting all the advantages of being married without having to contribute with the bare minimum." --AnniaT
"NTA, you're perfectly allowed to get some time for yourself birthdays or not. I'm sorry to say this but your marriage doesn't sound healthy, maybe try couples counseling?" --yweeb
"Why couples counseling with someone she's already tried to communicate with and he didn't care?"
"I bet she's probably already suggested it but he doesn't care to even cuddle his wife at her request, so I'm not believing he'd do the necessary work to properly do couples therapy and he'd probably resent her for making him do the work (after years used to just riding along with minimal effort)."
"Couples' therapy is for partners who care about the relationship and each other, not for when one partner doesn't even respect nor cares for the other." --AnniaT
"I mean your not the a**hole but is this anyway to live?"
"Your in a relationship where you don't want to spend your birthday with your significant other, is it even worth still being in a relationship?"
"I'm guessing you didn't properly communicate that he wasn't coming either."
"You both either need therapy or a divorce."
"I just feel so sad for you, I hope your able to both get to a better place ❤️"
"Happy birthday too ❤️" --Kebar8
"Holy SH*T! NTA"
"After you go to the hot springs, get your butt to a good divorce lawyer. Then go and find someone to fu*king celebrate your godd*m birthday with you!"
"Since you don't preface your story with 'my husband is usually awesome/good in bed/has a wonderful sense of humor/writes terribly romantic sonnets to my eyebrows…'"
"I am led to conclude that your everyday life sucks, but you cope and suck it up until it's your birthday and it really hits home how much your marriage is a joyless, soul-sucking, vanilla existence!"
"You have set the bar waaaaaayyyy too low with this guy! Not even some hot 70's girl in roller skates could limbo under it! He wants some hot springs but not a hug ON YOUR BIRTHDAY? The gall!"
"You don't say you have kids, or a dog or even a vintage set of matching toasting cups that just can't be separated. Just get out and then go and live your best life!" --Optimal-Beautiful399
"🎵It's beginning to look a lot like LEAVE HIM 🎵"
"NTA, get rid of this man, he doesn't love or respect you. It's not worth it."
"A loving partner would try to speak your love language back to you and he clearly doesn't care to try. He's neglecting you, it's abuse, leave him." --StickyStickyJabJab
"NTA"
"It rly doesn't matter what y'all's relationship is or isn't like in this scenario in regards to me judging whose the a**hole."
"It's healthy to have boundaries and be allowed to do separate things. It's literally your birthday and you should be able to do anything you want with whoever you want on that day (excluding an affair lol)."
"I feel if he was a better husband he'd have respected if you wanted alone time for your birthday or even if you had wanted to go with other people without him. I feel that's the true definition of being a team with your partner."
"I think the miscommunication should have been avoided by you telling him your plans ahead of time, but a mistake isn't being an a**hole."
"If I was in your husband's shoes I would have said I felt sad about the miscommunication and would have asked you to inform me better next time on your plans bc I was looking forward to going and I feel bummed I didn't."
"I would have ended with but it's ultimately your bday to spend as you wish, and I hope you have fun! I feel a quality partner would have had a response similar to that about the miscommunication."
"I expect that sort of response from my partner if some scenario like this happened to us."
"I would strongly reconsider my marriage with my own spouse if she called me selfish for not spending MY birthday the way SHE wanted me to."
"Even if I failed to tell her my plans, like that's my mistake but it's still my birthday plans that need to be respected."
"Your husband's problem wasnt even about that. It looks like it was about not being with you because he thinks being glued to your side against your will is "being on a team"."
"He would have been mad if you had told him then, right? So the issue was he was mad he didn't get what he wanted on a day not about him."
"I encourage my wife to have fun without me/by herself whenever she wants unless we had preexisting plans she broke. She does the same for me. I haven't met a couple in a healthy relationship that wasn't like that."
"TLDR: He was dismissing your birthday wishes for his own desires, and daring to call you the selfish one."
"And he blew up your phone yelling at you and you admitted in response to someone else you had a bad birthday trip bc of that :( ."
"Also he was mad about you going without him, not the miscommunication. So I don't know what you could have done to avoid him being mad. He just doesn't respect what you want. NTA." --pythoidaae
Hopefully OP's future birthdays can go a bit better.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp