A blended family can be tough to make happen.
When you're a step parent or step child, there are a ton on minefields to navigate.
So you have to choose your words carefully.
Case in point...
Redditor ReasonableWait3977 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my fiancé to apologize to my son after he 'disrespected' her?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So my long-term fiancé (together 5 years) recently moved in."
"We held off moving in together because I have two kids (13 F[emale], 15 M[ale])."
"And we wanted to give them time to get to know her before she became part of the household."
"And both my kids love her and were thankful for the time we gave them and are fine with her moving in."
"Now my fiancé completely understands that while she cares about them and they respect her, she isn't their mother and doesn't try to parent them."
"She has introduced a few extra rules in the house."
"But they are mainly to do with not disturbing her or being super noisy when she's working because she works from home."
"Now a few issues have cropped up since I proposed and we and we announced my fiancé is pregnant."
"These are mainly to do with my son, the way he dressed and the music and other things he likes aren't really my sort of thing."
"But he likes it and it makes him happy and I'm all for self-expression so I don't mind, but my fiancé does."
"One of his favorite songs is like one of that cliché angsty 'I hate my dad' songs."
"But it's about hating your mom."
"And I know these are directed towards his bio mom and I don't blame him."
"There are reasons why we aren't together and why I have custody of both of our kids with no visitations."
"However, my fiancé sees it as being directed towards her, no matter how many times I explain."
"She feels like it means he thinks she will be a shi**y mother and he will never accept his half-sibling."
"I've explained and explained and tried to console her but she doesn't listen."
"Today while I was at work my son had been listening to that song again, through his headphones."
"But loud enough so you can slightly make out the tune."
"He was in his room most of the day but when he came down for some lunch she heard it and went off on him."
"Saying that he's being really disrespectful and inconsiderate and that he needs to turn it off or get out."
"They argued and he left to stay at a friend's place."
"When I got home she told me what had happened and started apologizing profusely."
"She said she knew what she said was wrong and it was just her hormones because she's pregnant."
"I told her that talking to him that way was not ok and she needed to apologize."
"She said she didn't want to apologize since it wasn't really her fault."
'I said she's still responsible for her actions and she told me I don't understand because I'm not a woman."
"I still think she should apologize, but she is right that I don't really understand what she's going through.''
"I'm very protective over my children so maybe that is another factor."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA - You are awful to someone you apologize."
"It doesn't matter the circumstance. Always apologise."
"And I'm a woman, so I do understand what it's like to be a woman." ~ Sloppypoopypoppy
"Being pregnant is not a get out of jail free card for acting like an AH."
"Speaking as a formerly pregnant woman, your fiancé is using hormones as an excuse to not apologize to your son because she does not want to."
"Make me wonder how she treats your other son daughter, because she's been picking a fight over a song." ~ RndmIntrntStranger
"I am a women who has children and has been pregnant."
"It is true that being pregnant can make you hormonal and over emotional."
"Being emotional can sometimes lead people to do things they regret."
"Just like when you are really angry or really sad etc..."
"You don't always make your best decisions and make say something you wouldn't have meant at a more stable time."
"However, that dosen't mean she shouldn't apologize."
"If you realize something you did was wrong, whatever the reason, you apologize."
"Even if it wasn't her fault at all, like if she accidentally elbowed someone in the face and gave them a black eye, you'd apologize right?"
"Talk to your fiancé."
"Tell her that part of being a good role model and building a good relationship with her step-children is showing she owns up to her own mistakes and cares when she hurts the kids."
"It's good she apologized to you, but that does nothing to help her relationship with your son."
"If she wants to have a good bond with him, and him to respect her, she has to show she recognizes when she made a mistake."
"She may not have grown up in a family where adults apologized to children."
"She may have been raised to think it undermines adult's authority."
"She may already be insecure about her authority with your son because she tried to tell him what to do and he made it very clear he doesn't think he has to what she says."
"She may have not meant for him to get out."
'But thought the threat would get him to cooperate."
"And it failed and she has no idea how she can handle things next time and thinks this will make it worse and she'll feel even more 'weak' as one of the household adults."
"Talk to your wife and ask her, how would apologizing to son make her feel?"
"What message does she think it would send your son?"
"How does she think he will feel? Did her parents ever apologize to her?"
"Listen and empathize without judgment, validating her feelings so she feels heard/understand before you then explain your side of things."
"Personally, I don't think I'd be comfy marrying into a household where I would be helping raise children without parental authority."
"And also there would be biological children I was the authority to mixed in as well."
"Now, this is complicated by the fact that your wife's expectations don't seem reasonable and she isn't listening to reason."
"I don't think she should be able to ban him from listening to that song."
"But I also wouldn't be happy in the role you've created for her and feel very helpless trying to parent or supervise kids with no authority." ~ TheHatOnTheCat
"NTA - I'm currently a pregnant woman (8months) - my hormones are all over the place and sometimes I snap and over-react to things in the moment."
"But after it's happened - it's not like you forget."
"I'm clearly aware when I've been a bit of a d*ck."
"And when I act unreasonably I apologize."
"Pregnancy isn't a get out of jail free card and people who try use it as one, are actually just showing you their true colors." ~ Advanced_Race4071
"NTA. Agree hormones or no hormones, if you treat someone like crap you apologize." ~ Major-Organization31
OP came back with some deets....
"UPDATE: Ok so I've had a long talk with my fiancé and we have kinda sorted somethings out."
"She completely understands that she was in the wrong and that what she did is completely unacceptable."
"I asked her why she didn't want to apologize to him."
"And she said that they had had a great relationship up until now and if she apologizes she has to face that she's messed up big time and has possibly screwed up their relationship."
"And also that she meant get out of the room (we have an open plan Livingroom and kitchen) not get out the house."
"After some more talking and her breaking down a little she apologized to him."
"I made it clear to him that what she did was wrong and he is not obligated to accept the apology."
"He talked with her, explaining what this song means to him and how its helped him process his trauma with his bio mom."
"And that literally none of the song even relates to her."
"That she has been a great addition to the family and that he thinks she will be a great mom to his new half-sibling."
"She broke down again and said she knows that she can never make this right but wants to do something to make it right."
"So now they are going shopping together."
"My fiancé has said that if this becomes a problem, either its hurt relationships or she has any problem controlling her emotions or outbursts again that she is fully open to counselling as she loves me and our family."
"Many of you have said this is a red flag."
"But this was just one event that needed some talking and open communication."
"My son knows that if he has any problems or issues with anyone, including her, he can come to me and will never be in trouble for it."
Well OP... you done good.
Reddit was on your side.
But is sounds like all is going to be well.
Good luck.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.