A blended family can be tough to make happen.
When you're a step parent or step child, there are a ton on minefields to navigate.
So you have to choose your words carefully.
Case in point...
Redditor ReasonableWait3977 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my fiancé to apologize to my son after he 'disrespected' her?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So my long-term fiancé (together 5 years) recently moved in."
"We held off moving in together because I have two kids (13 F[emale], 15 M[ale])."
"And we wanted to give them time to get to know her before she became part of the household."
"And both my kids love her and were thankful for the time we gave them and are fine with her moving in."
"Now my fiancé completely understands that while she cares about them and they respect her, she isn't their mother and doesn't try to parent them."
"She has introduced a few extra rules in the house."
"But they are mainly to do with not disturbing her or being super noisy when she's working because she works from home."
"Now a few issues have cropped up since I proposed and we and we announced my fiancé is pregnant."
"These are mainly to do with my son, the way he dressed and the music and other things he likes aren't really my sort of thing."
"But he likes it and it makes him happy and I'm all for self-expression so I don't mind, but my fiancé does."
"One of his favorite songs is like one of that cliché angsty 'I hate my dad' songs."
"But it's about hating your mom."
"And I know these are directed towards his bio mom and I don't blame him."
"There are reasons why we aren't together and why I have custody of both of our kids with no visitations."
"However, my fiancé sees it as being directed towards her, no matter how many times I explain."
"She feels like it means he thinks she will be a shi**y mother and he will never accept his half-sibling."
"I've explained and explained and tried to console her but she doesn't listen."
"Today while I was at work my son had been listening to that song again, through his headphones."
"But loud enough so you can slightly make out the tune."
"He was in his room most of the day but when he came down for some lunch she heard it and went off on him."
"Saying that he's being really disrespectful and inconsiderate and that he needs to turn it off or get out."
"They argued and he left to stay at a friend's place."
"When I got home she told me what had happened and started apologizing profusely."
"She said she knew what she said was wrong and it was just her hormones because she's pregnant."
"I told her that talking to him that way was not ok and she needed to apologize."
"She said she didn't want to apologize since it wasn't really her fault."
'I said she's still responsible for her actions and she told me I don't understand because I'm not a woman."
"I still think she should apologize, but she is right that I don't really understand what she's going through.''
"I'm very protective over my children so maybe that is another factor."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA - You are awful to someone you apologize."
"It doesn't matter the circumstance. Always apologise."
"And I'm a woman, so I do understand what it's like to be a woman." ~ Sloppypoopypoppy
"Being pregnant is not a get out of jail free card for acting like an AH."
"Speaking as a formerly pregnant woman, your fiancé is using hormones as an excuse to not apologize to your son because she does not want to."
"Make me wonder how she treats your other son daughter, because she's been picking a fight over a song." ~ RndmIntrntStranger
"I am a women who has children and has been pregnant."
"It is true that being pregnant can make you hormonal and over emotional."
"Being emotional can sometimes lead people to do things they regret."
"Just like when you are really angry or really sad etc..."
"You don't always make your best decisions and make say something you wouldn't have meant at a more stable time."
"However, that dosen't mean she shouldn't apologize."
"If you realize something you did was wrong, whatever the reason, you apologize."
"Even if it wasn't her fault at all, like if she accidentally elbowed someone in the face and gave them a black eye, you'd apologize right?"
"Talk to your fiancé."
"Tell her that part of being a good role model and building a good relationship with her step-children is showing she owns up to her own mistakes and cares when she hurts the kids."
"It's good she apologized to you, but that does nothing to help her relationship with your son."
"If she wants to have a good bond with him, and him to respect her, she has to show she recognizes when she made a mistake."
"She may not have grown up in a family where adults apologized to children."
"She may have been raised to think it undermines adult's authority."
"She may already be insecure about her authority with your son because she tried to tell him what to do and he made it very clear he doesn't think he has to what she says."
"She may have not meant for him to get out."
'But thought the threat would get him to cooperate."
"And it failed and she has no idea how she can handle things next time and thinks this will make it worse and she'll feel even more 'weak' as one of the household adults."
"Talk to your wife and ask her, how would apologizing to son make her feel?"
"What message does she think it would send your son?"
"How does she think he will feel? Did her parents ever apologize to her?"
"Listen and empathize without judgment, validating her feelings so she feels heard/understand before you then explain your side of things."
"Personally, I don't think I'd be comfy marrying into a household where I would be helping raise children without parental authority."
"And also there would be biological children I was the authority to mixed in as well."
"Now, this is complicated by the fact that your wife's expectations don't seem reasonable and she isn't listening to reason."
"I don't think she should be able to ban him from listening to that song."
"But I also wouldn't be happy in the role you've created for her and feel very helpless trying to parent or supervise kids with no authority." ~ TheHatOnTheCat
"NTA - I'm currently a pregnant woman (8months) - my hormones are all over the place and sometimes I snap and over-react to things in the moment."
"But after it's happened - it's not like you forget."
"I'm clearly aware when I've been a bit of a d*ck."
"And when I act unreasonably I apologize."
"Pregnancy isn't a get out of jail free card and people who try use it as one, are actually just showing you their true colors." ~ Advanced_Race4071
"NTA. Agree hormones or no hormones, if you treat someone like crap you apologize." ~ Major-Organization31
OP came back with some deets....
"UPDATE: Ok so I've had a long talk with my fiancé and we have kinda sorted somethings out."
"She completely understands that she was in the wrong and that what she did is completely unacceptable."
"I asked her why she didn't want to apologize to him."
"And she said that they had had a great relationship up until now and if she apologizes she has to face that she's messed up big time and has possibly screwed up their relationship."
"And also that she meant get out of the room (we have an open plan Livingroom and kitchen) not get out the house."
"After some more talking and her breaking down a little she apologized to him."
"I made it clear to him that what she did was wrong and he is not obligated to accept the apology."
"He talked with her, explaining what this song means to him and how its helped him process his trauma with his bio mom."
"And that literally none of the song even relates to her."
"That she has been a great addition to the family and that he thinks she will be a great mom to his new half-sibling."
"She broke down again and said she knows that she can never make this right but wants to do something to make it right."
"So now they are going shopping together."
"My fiancé has said that if this becomes a problem, either its hurt relationships or she has any problem controlling her emotions or outbursts again that she is fully open to counselling as she loves me and our family."
"Many of you have said this is a red flag."
"But this was just one event that needed some talking and open communication."
"My son knows that if he has any problems or issues with anyone, including her, he can come to me and will never be in trouble for it."
Well OP... you done good.
Reddit was on your side.
But is sounds like all is going to be well.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp