A blended family can be tough to make happen.
When you’re a step parent or step child, there are a ton on minefields to navigate.
So you have to choose your words carefully.
Case in point…
Redditor ReasonableWait3977 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my fiancé to apologize to my son after he ‘disrespected’ her?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So my long-term fiancé (together 5 years) recently moved in.”
“We held off moving in together because I have two kids (13 F[emale], 15 M[ale]).”
“And we wanted to give them time to get to know her before she became part of the household.”
“And both my kids love her and were thankful for the time we gave them and are fine with her moving in.”
“Now my fiancé completely understands that while she cares about them and they respect her, she isn’t their mother and doesn’t try to parent them.”
“She has introduced a few extra rules in the house.”
“But they are mainly to do with not disturbing her or being super noisy when she’s working because she works from home.”
“Now a few issues have cropped up since I proposed and we and we announced my fiancé is pregnant.”
“These are mainly to do with my son, the way he dressed and the music and other things he likes aren’t really my sort of thing.”
“But he likes it and it makes him happy and I’m all for self-expression so I don’t mind, but my fiancé does.”
“One of his favorite songs is like one of that cliché angsty ‘I hate my dad’ songs.”
“But it’s about hating your mom.”
“And I know these are directed towards his bio mom and I don’t blame him.”
“There are reasons why we aren’t together and why I have custody of both of our kids with no visitations.”
“However, my fiancé sees it as being directed towards her, no matter how many times I explain.”
“She feels like it means he thinks she will be a shi**y mother and he will never accept his half-sibling.”
“I’ve explained and explained and tried to console her but she doesn’t listen.”
“Today while I was at work my son had been listening to that song again, through his headphones.”
“But loud enough so you can slightly make out the tune.”
“He was in his room most of the day but when he came down for some lunch she heard it and went off on him.”
“Saying that he’s being really disrespectful and inconsiderate and that he needs to turn it off or get out.”
“They argued and he left to stay at a friend’s place.”
“When I got home she told me what had happened and started apologizing profusely.”
“She said she knew what she said was wrong and it was just her hormones because she’s pregnant.”
“I told her that talking to him that way was not ok and she needed to apologize.”
“She said she didn’t want to apologize since it wasn’t really her fault.”
‘I said she’s still responsible for her actions and she told me I don’t understand because I’m not a woman.”
“I still think she should apologize, but she is right that I don’t really understand what she’s going through.”
“I’m very protective over my children so maybe that is another factor.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“NTA – You are awful to someone you apologize.”
“It doesn’t matter the circumstance. Always apologise.”
“And I’m a woman, so I do understand what it’s like to be a woman.” ~ Sloppypoopypoppy
“Being pregnant is not a get out of jail free card for acting like an AH.”
“Speaking as a formerly pregnant woman, your fiancé is using hormones as an excuse to not apologize to your son because she does not want to.”
“Make me wonder how she treats your other son daughter, because she’s been picking a fight over a song.” ~ RndmIntrntStranger
“I am a women who has children and has been pregnant.”
“It is true that being pregnant can make you hormonal and over emotional.”
“Being emotional can sometimes lead people to do things they regret.”
“Just like when you are really angry or really sad etc…”
“You don’t always make your best decisions and make say something you wouldn’t have meant at a more stable time.”
“However, that dosen’t mean she shouldn’t apologize.”
“If you realize something you did was wrong, whatever the reason, you apologize.”
“Even if it wasn’t her fault at all, like if she accidentally elbowed someone in the face and gave them a black eye, you’d apologize right?”
“Talk to your fiancé.”
“Tell her that part of being a good role model and building a good relationship with her step-children is showing she owns up to her own mistakes and cares when she hurts the kids.”
“It’s good she apologized to you, but that does nothing to help her relationship with your son.”
“If she wants to have a good bond with him, and him to respect her, she has to show she recognizes when she made a mistake.”
“She may not have grown up in a family where adults apologized to children.”
“She may have been raised to think it undermines adult’s authority.”
“She may already be insecure about her authority with your son because she tried to tell him what to do and he made it very clear he doesn’t think he has to what she says.”
“She may have not meant for him to get out.”
‘But thought the threat would get him to cooperate.”
“And it failed and she has no idea how she can handle things next time and thinks this will make it worse and she’ll feel even more ‘weak’ as one of the household adults.”
“Talk to your wife and ask her, how would apologizing to son make her feel?”
“What message does she think it would send your son?”
“How does she think he will feel? Did her parents ever apologize to her?”
“Listen and empathize without judgment, validating her feelings so she feels heard/understand before you then explain your side of things.”
“Personally, I don’t think I’d be comfy marrying into a household where I would be helping raise children without parental authority.”
“And also there would be biological children I was the authority to mixed in as well.”
“Now, this is complicated by the fact that your wife’s expectations don’t seem reasonable and she isn’t listening to reason.”
“I don’t think she should be able to ban him from listening to that song.”
“But I also wouldn’t be happy in the role you’ve created for her and feel very helpless trying to parent or supervise kids with no authority.” ~ TheHatOnTheCat
“NTA – I’m currently a pregnant woman (8months) – my hormones are all over the place and sometimes I snap and over-react to things in the moment.”
“But after it’s happened – it’s not like you forget.”
“I’m clearly aware when I’ve been a bit of a d*ck.”
“And when I act unreasonably I apologize.”
“Pregnancy isn’t a get out of jail free card and people who try use it as one, are actually just showing you their true colors.” ~ Advanced_Race4071
“NTA. Agree hormones or no hormones, if you treat someone like crap you apologize.” ~ Major-Organization31
OP came back with some deets….
“UPDATE: Ok so I’ve had a long talk with my fiancé and we have kinda sorted somethings out.”
“She completely understands that she was in the wrong and that what she did is completely unacceptable.”
“I asked her why she didn’t want to apologize to him.”
“And she said that they had had a great relationship up until now and if she apologizes she has to face that she’s messed up big time and has possibly screwed up their relationship.”
“And also that she meant get out of the room (we have an open plan Livingroom and kitchen) not get out the house.”
“After some more talking and her breaking down a little she apologized to him.”
“I made it clear to him that what she did was wrong and he is not obligated to accept the apology.”
“He talked with her, explaining what this song means to him and how its helped him process his trauma with his bio mom.”
“And that literally none of the song even relates to her.”
“That she has been a great addition to the family and that he thinks she will be a great mom to his new half-sibling.”
“She broke down again and said she knows that she can never make this right but wants to do something to make it right.”
“So now they are going shopping together.”
“My fiancé has said that if this becomes a problem, either its hurt relationships or she has any problem controlling her emotions or outbursts again that she is fully open to counselling as she loves me and our family.”
“Many of you have said this is a red flag.”
“But this was just one event that needed some talking and open communication.”
“My son knows that if he has any problems or issues with anyone, including her, he can come to me and will never be in trouble for it.”
Well OP… you done good.
Reddit was on your side.
But is sounds like all is going to be well.
Good luck.