An invitation to be in a friend's wedding party is often met with an even amount of joy and dread.
Many folks are thrilled at the prospect of standing with their closest friends or family members as they enter a very important new chapter in their lives.
Others know that being in a wedding party isn't purely ceremonial, and comes with a lot of duties and obligations that take up more of their time than they would like.
Then, of course, is the issue of what they might have to wear.
Redditor Adventurous-Lemon197 was at first touched by the invitation of a longstanding friend to be one of her bridesmaids.
The original poster (OP)'s excitement quickly sank, however, upon learning what she would be wearing.
When the OP approached her friend about possibly wearing an alternative dress, the bride was less than lenient about finding an alternative dress, even going so far as to give the OP an ultimatum.
Wondering if she had caused more trouble than was necessary, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling the bride I don't want to wear the bridesmaid dress chosen for me?"
The OP explained why she felt the need to speak up when presented with her prospective bridesmaid dress:
"I (40 F[emale]) was invited to be a bridesmaid for my good friend who I'll call Beth (32 F)."
"We've been friends for almost 8 years after we met at a support group."
"I happily agreed to be Beth's bridesmaid & assumed I'd be one of many."
"However Beth told me her friend just had a baby and her other friend will be having gallbladder surgery at that time."
"So it will only be me, her 3 younger sisters, & her SIL."
"I was okay with this at first until I actually saw them."
"They look very, very young."
"They're all between 19-28 & they're extremely slim."
"I look much older than all of them."
"That made me feel pretty uncomfortable."
"On top of that she allowed her sisters to choose the dress because I was not able to go with them to the appt as it was too early for me."
"The girls chose this sexy, silky satin dress that looks very very tight on their bodies."
"Which on them looks fantastic as they are young with younger bodies but on me, it will look terrible."
"I just know it will."
"I was very nice and told my friend that I'd like to choose a dress that would be more flattering to my body type as I'm older and bigger than her sisters."
"It'll be the same color and fabric, just something I want."
"My friend was annoyed and said her sisters chose the dress themselves and already purchased it."
"It's done."
"We went back and forth for several hours, I was trying to make her understand my point."
"I will be the oldest one there, everyone's going to be looking at me and comparing me to her younger, slimmer sisters, I don't want that kind of attention."
"My friend was irritated and said that her fiancé is also in his 40s and his 5 groomsmen are between 40-50 years of age."
"On top of that, her SIL is actually 48 she just looks good for her age."
"That made me feel even worse!"
"'She goes, "everyone is different ages and sizes & I need to "let it go'."
"I thought we were making some headway & she was gonna let me choose a different dress until she left a nasty voicemail early this morning."
"She told me to get the dress or I can't be part of it anymore."
"I'm adding too much stress to her wedding over 'stupid insecurities' and that her family isn't there to see me or to see what I'm wearing or how I fit into a dress."
"They are there for her and her husband."
"So either I show up as a bridesmaid in the dress or I show up as a guest."
"And if I don't get with the program, she'll have her cousin take my place."
"I feel she could've said it nicer than she did, she was very nasty towards me."
"I also feel she's not being sensitive."
"I decided to remove myself as a bridesmaid since she won't be flexible but my husband said I was very rude."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for asking to wear a different bridesmaid's dress.
Some felt that the OP was, indeed, out of line, feeling that she was, intentionally or not, making the wedding all about her, and felt the OP shouldn't have been so judgmental about the dress before even apparently trying it on:
"Stop this."
"Stop this right now."
"The notion that you get to wear a different bridesmaid dress than all the other bridesmaids isn't how bridesmaid dresses work unless there's an issue of religious coverage or disability, and I'm sure you realize this."
"Here what you do."
"You order this slinky dress two sizes too big for you and you get it delivered in enough time to take it to your tailor and have it altered to fit your body in the most flattering possible way."
"You don't trust the bridal shop with this; your tailor, your instructions."
"You also either buy a slip or have one made to fit under the dress to skim your body and smooth out all your curves."
"Then you buy yourself a gorgeous little wrap so that apart from when you're walking down the aisle or in formal photos, you have this gorgeous little shawl, or balero jacket, or whatever."
"Because you're chilly."
"The next thing you do is book an appointment with a therapist who specifically deals with women's body image issues."
"You're in your 40's."
"You're convinced that people are comparing your body to 18 year olds."
"You feel self conscious and judged."
"You don't like the way you look."
"I think you'll be so much happier if you can unpack some of this and start to accept yourself and feel better about the body you're in."
"Now apologize to your friend and get that dress altered so it looks smashing."
"YTA, but you can fix this."- Nester1953
"Your husband is right. its a bridesmaid dress, chill out."
"You haven't even tried it on and you're already making assumptions."
"You are adding stress onto her plate, and you didnt remove yourself, she gave you 2 options and you chose one."
"She shouldn't have to adjust and coordinate with you on a whole new dress cause of your insecurities."
"You could have suggested a shawl or some other accessory to cover the parts you feel insecure about, but instead you wanted to stress her out instead of helping her."
"YTA."
"Also the 'I thought we were making headway' bit screams that in life, you think compromise is you getting your way."- ExpertPaint430
"You have two options - either wear the dress and shut up or tell your friend that you can't be her bridesmaid."
"Your chosen option of arguing after she said no to your dress change is not your call, so for pointlessly arguing and not being able just to say to her that you either wear what you want or you can not be bridesmaid."
"YTA."- forgeris
"Soft YTA."
"'everyone's going to be looking at me'."
"They really won't be."
"People will be focusing on the bride and groom first and second on themselves."
"Bite the bullet for your friend."- C1rs
"YTA."
"It's the brides wedding she's doesn't want to have anymore stress on her plate and she even gave you the option to go to dress appointment and you said because the appointment was too early."
"How early was the appointment?"
"Even if you did go to the appointment you, the bride, and her other brides made could of agreed on the style of dress you guys liked oooor you could of even found a style that you liked and other brides maids could of worn the silk dress."
"The bride could of change her mind about the dress you want because you guys were already at the dress shop."
"Did you ask the SIL how she felt in the dress?"
"Maybe she has the same opinion as you but she's not being vocal about it."
"It was rude what your friend said on the voicemail but if you don't really want to wear the dress than don't be her bridesmaid."
"Again you're put stress on the bride and she already has too many things on her mind."
"YTA."- LavenderHazeHippo
Anyone who ever planned a wedding will tell you that when those not getting married throw any sort of opinion about what should or shouldn't be done at a wedding, it is generally not well received.
In addition, many former bridesmaids might agree that part of the job is wearing a dress you wouldn't normally choose yourself.
Had the OP been a bit more diplomatic, the bride might have been a bit more amenable to figuring out a solution that would make her more comfortable.
Instead, it seems the OP will have to settle for just being a guest.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.