An invitation to be in a friend’s wedding party is often met with an even amount of joy and dread.
Many folks are thrilled at the prospect of standing with their closest friends or family members as they enter a very important new chapter in their lives.
Others know that being in a wedding party isn’t purely ceremonial, and comes with a lot of duties and obligations that take up more of their time than they would like.
Then, of course, is the issue of what they might have to wear.
Redditor Adventurous-Lemon197 was at first touched by the invitation of a longstanding friend to be one of her bridesmaids.
The original poster (OP)’s excitement quickly sank, however, upon learning what she would be wearing.
When the OP approached her friend about possibly wearing an alternative dress, the bride was less than lenient about finding an alternative dress, even going so far as to give the OP an ultimatum.
Wondering if she had caused more trouble than was necessary, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling the bride I don’t want to wear the bridesmaid dress chosen for me?”
The OP explained why she felt the need to speak up when presented with her prospective bridesmaid dress:
“I (40 F[emale]) was invited to be a bridesmaid for my good friend who I’ll call Beth (32 F).”
“We’ve been friends for almost 8 years after we met at a support group.”
“I happily agreed to be Beth’s bridesmaid & assumed I’d be one of many.”
“However Beth told me her friend just had a baby and her other friend will be having gallbladder surgery at that time.”
“So it will only be me, her 3 younger sisters, & her SIL.”
“I was okay with this at first until I actually saw them.”
“They look very, very young.”
“They’re all between 19-28 & they’re extremely slim.”
“I look much older than all of them.”
“That made me feel pretty uncomfortable.”
“On top of that she allowed her sisters to choose the dress because I was not able to go with them to the appt as it was too early for me.”
“The girls chose this sexy, silky satin dress that looks very very tight on their bodies.”
“Which on them looks fantastic as they are young with younger bodies but on me, it will look terrible.”
“I just know it will.”
“I was very nice and told my friend that I’d like to choose a dress that would be more flattering to my body type as I’m older and bigger than her sisters.”
“It’ll be the same color and fabric, just something I want.”
“My friend was annoyed and said her sisters chose the dress themselves and already purchased it.”
“It’s done.”
“We went back and forth for several hours, I was trying to make her understand my point.”
“I will be the oldest one there, everyone’s going to be looking at me and comparing me to her younger, slimmer sisters, I don’t want that kind of attention.”
“My friend was irritated and said that her fiancé is also in his 40s and his 5 groomsmen are between 40-50 years of age.”
“On top of that, her SIL is actually 48 she just looks good for her age.”
“That made me feel even worse!”
“‘She goes, “everyone is different ages and sizes & I need to “let it go’.”
“I thought we were making some headway & she was gonna let me choose a different dress until she left a nasty voicemail early this morning.”
“She told me to get the dress or I can’t be part of it anymore.”
“I’m adding too much stress to her wedding over ‘stupid insecurities’ and that her family isn’t there to see me or to see what I’m wearing or how I fit into a dress.”
“They are there for her and her husband.”
“So either I show up as a bridesmaid in the dress or I show up as a guest.”
“And if I don’t get with the program, she’ll have her cousin take my place.”
“I feel she could’ve said it nicer than she did, she was very nasty towards me.”
“I also feel she’s not being sensitive.”
“I decided to remove myself as a bridesmaid since she won’t be flexible but my husband said I was very rude.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for asking to wear a different bridesmaid’s dress.
Some felt that the OP was, indeed, out of line, feeling that she was, intentionally or not, making the wedding all about her, and felt the OP shouldn’t have been so judgmental about the dress before even apparently trying it on:
“Stop this.”
“Stop this right now.”
“The notion that you get to wear a different bridesmaid dress than all the other bridesmaids isn’t how bridesmaid dresses work unless there’s an issue of religious coverage or disability, and I’m sure you realize this.”
“Here what you do.”
“You order this slinky dress two sizes too big for you and you get it delivered in enough time to take it to your tailor and have it altered to fit your body in the most flattering possible way.”
“You don’t trust the bridal shop with this; your tailor, your instructions.”
“You also either buy a slip or have one made to fit under the dress to skim your body and smooth out all your curves.”
“Then you buy yourself a gorgeous little wrap so that apart from when you’re walking down the aisle or in formal photos, you have this gorgeous little shawl, or balero jacket, or whatever.”
“Because you’re chilly.”
“The next thing you do is book an appointment with a therapist who specifically deals with women’s body image issues.”
“You’re in your 40’s.”
“You’re convinced that people are comparing your body to 18 year olds.”
“You feel self conscious and judged.”
“You don’t like the way you look.”
“I think you’ll be so much happier if you can unpack some of this and start to accept yourself and feel better about the body you’re in.”
“Now apologize to your friend and get that dress altered so it looks smashing.”
“YTA, but you can fix this.”- Nester1953
“Your husband is right. its a bridesmaid dress, chill out.”
“You haven’t even tried it on and you’re already making assumptions.”
“You are adding stress onto her plate, and you didnt remove yourself, she gave you 2 options and you chose one.”
“She shouldn’t have to adjust and coordinate with you on a whole new dress cause of your insecurities.”
“You could have suggested a shawl or some other accessory to cover the parts you feel insecure about, but instead you wanted to stress her out instead of helping her.”
“YTA.”
“Also the ‘I thought we were making headway’ bit screams that in life, you think compromise is you getting your way.”- ExpertPaint430
“You have two options – either wear the dress and shut up or tell your friend that you can’t be her bridesmaid.”
“Your chosen option of arguing after she said no to your dress change is not your call, so for pointlessly arguing and not being able just to say to her that you either wear what you want or you can not be bridesmaid.”
“YTA.”- forgeris
“Soft YTA.”
“‘everyone’s going to be looking at me’.”
“They really won’t be.”
“People will be focusing on the bride and groom first and second on themselves.”
“Bite the bullet for your friend.”- C1rs
“YTA.”
“It’s the brides wedding she’s doesn’t want to have anymore stress on her plate and she even gave you the option to go to dress appointment and you said because the appointment was too early.”
“How early was the appointment?”
“Even if you did go to the appointment you, the bride, and her other brides made could of agreed on the style of dress you guys liked oooor you could of even found a style that you liked and other brides maids could of worn the silk dress.”
“The bride could of change her mind about the dress you want because you guys were already at the dress shop.”
“Did you ask the SIL how she felt in the dress?”
“Maybe she has the same opinion as you but she’s not being vocal about it.”
“It was rude what your friend said on the voicemail but if you don’t really want to wear the dress than don’t be her bridesmaid.”
“Again you’re put stress on the bride and she already has too many things on her mind.”
“YTA.”- LavenderHazeHippo
Anyone who ever planned a wedding will tell you that when those not getting married throw any sort of opinion about what should or shouldn’t be done at a wedding, it is generally not well received.
In addition, many former bridesmaids might agree that part of the job is wearing a dress you wouldn’t normally choose yourself.
Had the OP been a bit more diplomatic, the bride might have been a bit more amenable to figuring out a solution that would make her more comfortable.
Instead, it seems the OP will have to settle for just being a guest.