An invitation to be in a friend's wedding party is often met with an even amount of joy and dread.
Many folks are thrilled at the prospect of standing with their closest friends or family members as they enter a very important new chapter in their lives.
Others know that being in a wedding party isn't purely ceremonial, and comes with a lot of duties and obligations that take up more of their time than they would like.
Then, of course, is the issue of what they might have to wear.
Redditor Adventurous-Lemon197 was at first touched by the invitation of a longstanding friend to be one of her bridesmaids.
The original poster (OP)'s excitement quickly sank, however, upon learning what she would be wearing.
When the OP approached her friend about possibly wearing an alternative dress, the bride was less than lenient about finding an alternative dress, even going so far as to give the OP an ultimatum.
Wondering if she had caused more trouble than was necessary, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling the bride I don't want to wear the bridesmaid dress chosen for me?"
The OP explained why she felt the need to speak up when presented with her prospective bridesmaid dress:
"I (40 F[emale]) was invited to be a bridesmaid for my good friend who I'll call Beth (32 F)."
"We've been friends for almost 8 years after we met at a support group."
"I happily agreed to be Beth's bridesmaid & assumed I'd be one of many."
"However Beth told me her friend just had a baby and her other friend will be having gallbladder surgery at that time."
"So it will only be me, her 3 younger sisters, & her SIL."
"I was okay with this at first until I actually saw them."
"They look very, very young."
"They're all between 19-28 & they're extremely slim."
"I look much older than all of them."
"That made me feel pretty uncomfortable."
"On top of that she allowed her sisters to choose the dress because I was not able to go with them to the appt as it was too early for me."
"The girls chose this sexy, silky satin dress that looks very very tight on their bodies."
"Which on them looks fantastic as they are young with younger bodies but on me, it will look terrible."
"I just know it will."
"I was very nice and told my friend that I'd like to choose a dress that would be more flattering to my body type as I'm older and bigger than her sisters."
"It'll be the same color and fabric, just something I want."
"My friend was annoyed and said her sisters chose the dress themselves and already purchased it."
"It's done."
"We went back and forth for several hours, I was trying to make her understand my point."
"I will be the oldest one there, everyone's going to be looking at me and comparing me to her younger, slimmer sisters, I don't want that kind of attention."
"My friend was irritated and said that her fiancé is also in his 40s and his 5 groomsmen are between 40-50 years of age."
"On top of that, her SIL is actually 48 she just looks good for her age."
"That made me feel even worse!"
"'She goes, "everyone is different ages and sizes & I need to "let it go'."
"I thought we were making some headway & she was gonna let me choose a different dress until she left a nasty voicemail early this morning."
"She told me to get the dress or I can't be part of it anymore."
"I'm adding too much stress to her wedding over 'stupid insecurities' and that her family isn't there to see me or to see what I'm wearing or how I fit into a dress."
"They are there for her and her husband."
"So either I show up as a bridesmaid in the dress or I show up as a guest."
"And if I don't get with the program, she'll have her cousin take my place."
"I feel she could've said it nicer than she did, she was very nasty towards me."
"I also feel she's not being sensitive."
"I decided to remove myself as a bridesmaid since she won't be flexible but my husband said I was very rude."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for asking to wear a different bridesmaid's dress.
Some felt that the OP was, indeed, out of line, feeling that she was, intentionally or not, making the wedding all about her, and felt the OP shouldn't have been so judgmental about the dress before even apparently trying it on:
"Stop this."
"Stop this right now."
"The notion that you get to wear a different bridesmaid dress than all the other bridesmaids isn't how bridesmaid dresses work unless there's an issue of religious coverage or disability, and I'm sure you realize this."
"Here what you do."
"You order this slinky dress two sizes too big for you and you get it delivered in enough time to take it to your tailor and have it altered to fit your body in the most flattering possible way."
"You don't trust the bridal shop with this; your tailor, your instructions."
"You also either buy a slip or have one made to fit under the dress to skim your body and smooth out all your curves."
"Then you buy yourself a gorgeous little wrap so that apart from when you're walking down the aisle or in formal photos, you have this gorgeous little shawl, or balero jacket, or whatever."
"Because you're chilly."
"The next thing you do is book an appointment with a therapist who specifically deals with women's body image issues."
"You're in your 40's."
"You're convinced that people are comparing your body to 18 year olds."
"You feel self conscious and judged."
"You don't like the way you look."
"I think you'll be so much happier if you can unpack some of this and start to accept yourself and feel better about the body you're in."
"Now apologize to your friend and get that dress altered so it looks smashing."
"YTA, but you can fix this."- Nester1953
"Your husband is right. its a bridesmaid dress, chill out."
"You haven't even tried it on and you're already making assumptions."
"You are adding stress onto her plate, and you didnt remove yourself, she gave you 2 options and you chose one."
"She shouldn't have to adjust and coordinate with you on a whole new dress cause of your insecurities."
"You could have suggested a shawl or some other accessory to cover the parts you feel insecure about, but instead you wanted to stress her out instead of helping her."
"YTA."
"Also the 'I thought we were making headway' bit screams that in life, you think compromise is you getting your way."- ExpertPaint430
"You have two options - either wear the dress and shut up or tell your friend that you can't be her bridesmaid."
"Your chosen option of arguing after she said no to your dress change is not your call, so for pointlessly arguing and not being able just to say to her that you either wear what you want or you can not be bridesmaid."
"YTA."- forgeris
"Soft YTA."
"'everyone's going to be looking at me'."
"They really won't be."
"People will be focusing on the bride and groom first and second on themselves."
"Bite the bullet for your friend."- C1rs
"YTA."
"It's the brides wedding she's doesn't want to have anymore stress on her plate and she even gave you the option to go to dress appointment and you said because the appointment was too early."
"How early was the appointment?"
"Even if you did go to the appointment you, the bride, and her other brides made could of agreed on the style of dress you guys liked oooor you could of even found a style that you liked and other brides maids could of worn the silk dress."
"The bride could of change her mind about the dress you want because you guys were already at the dress shop."
"Did you ask the SIL how she felt in the dress?"
"Maybe she has the same opinion as you but she's not being vocal about it."
"It was rude what your friend said on the voicemail but if you don't really want to wear the dress than don't be her bridesmaid."
"Again you're put stress on the bride and she already has too many things on her mind."
"YTA."- LavenderHazeHippo
Anyone who ever planned a wedding will tell you that when those not getting married throw any sort of opinion about what should or shouldn't be done at a wedding, it is generally not well received.
In addition, many former bridesmaids might agree that part of the job is wearing a dress you wouldn't normally choose yourself.
Had the OP been a bit more diplomatic, the bride might have been a bit more amenable to figuring out a solution that would make her more comfortable.
Instead, it seems the OP will have to settle for just being a guest.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp