We've all done something behind someone's back once or twice in our lives.
Even if the nature of doing so isn't always duplicitous or spiteful, we do so in the hopes that someone, or sometimes many people don't catch wind of what we're doing.
As a result, when these people find out through a third or fourth party, their feelings tend to be more than a little hurt, no matter the circumstance.
In extreme cases, they might even feel the need to retaliate.
The sister-in-law (SIL) of Redditor aitanannyraise was quite jealous of someone they had as an employee.
So jealous, in fact, that the original poster (OP)'s SIL went behind their back in hopes of poaching this employee.
Upon learning this, the OP did what they felt was the only fair solution to keep their employee working for her.
An action which the OP's husband felt was "petty".
Worried that this might have been the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for offering my kids nanny more money/hours so she won't work for my SIL?"
The OP explained why they found themself going "an eye for an eye" with her SIL:
"My husband and I have 3 kids (10 months F[emale], 4 M[ale], 10 F[emale])."
"We currently have a nanny, Isabelle (22 F) 3 days a week."
"I have to say, Isabelle is f*cking amazing."
"She drives on field trips, she does homework with the kids, she handles play dates, she's the one adult my 10 year old likes, she's not dependent on screens, does art projects with the kids, she speaks 10 year old, and she's even teaching them how to cook and bake."
"They made mini quiches a few weeks ago."
"My oldest is doing state testing right now and wanted a fun activity with her friends."
"Isabelle suggested a spa day, and my daughter loved it."
"I set up a day for my 4-year-old to go home with his grandparents and let Isabelle turn our living room into a spa."
"She picked up my daughter, my niece, and 2 friends, brought them to our house, and did their hair and nails while they laid back and did face masks."
"I guess my niece was telling her mom how cool Isabelle is because my SIL texted Isabelle offering her a nanny position 4 days a week, matching whatever I pay her but for only 1 kid."
"Isabelle showed me the text and told me that she will have to think about it because the extra money would be nice."
"I told her if she promised to stay, next year I'd have her at 5 days a week with a $5 per hour raise."
"Isabelle turned my SIL down saying she had received a better offer and now she's telling my husband's family that I stole a nanny from her."
"They're upset that I outbid my SIL and gave Isabelle extra money and hours just so my SIL wouldn't get her."
"My husband said it was petty."
"AITA for offering Isabelle a raise and more hours so she doesn't work for my SIL?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for giving Isabelle a raise so she wouldn't leave them to work for their SIL.
Everyone agreed that if anyone was being petty, it was the OP's SIL who went behind their back to try to steal Isabelle away from their family. They were simply thinking of their family by giving Isabelle the raise she clearly deserved.
"No, what's petty about that?"
"Your SIL tried to steal your nanny out from under you, which was sneaky, and you outbid here in order to retain your nanny's services."
"It was up to your nanny, which was the better deal."
"You like your nanny and are willing to pay for her services."
"That's just good sense, as long as you can afford it."
"NTA."- Regular_Boot_3540
"NTA."
"Every parent knows that a good babysitter or nanny is worth their weight in gold."
"Your SIL is the AH for trying to poach your nanny, and you fighting to keep her should be expected."
"It's rich that your SIL is accusing you of stealing a nanny when she tried to do the exact same thing."
"Just make sure you follow through with the promised raise etc."
"And if your husband has such an issue with it tell him he's responsible next time you need a new nanny/sitter."
"He can do all the interviewing and contacting references and background checks and negotiations for pay."
"It's not so easy as 'find a new nanny': your SIL knows this and tried to circumvent the process."-LaurelCrash
"NTA."
"But make sure you're paying her what she's worth without her getting another offer, she should be given raises yearly and bonuses for going above and beyond."
"She wasn't wrong to consider a better offer, although it's really sh*tty of SIL to try and poach your Nanny so she's TA."- Unique-Assumption619
"NTA."
"Your SIL tried to steal your nanny!"
"Your SIL could have come to you and the two of you could have approached Isabelle about caring for all four kids with you and SIL splitting Isabelle's pay."
"However, your SIL chose to attempt to poach your nanny, which is borderline unforgivable and now has the nerve to play the victim."
"Your SIL is the petty one!"
"She can pound sand!"- Consistent-Leopard71
"What - your SiL is mad at you because you 'stole' your nanny back?!"
"She's got some nerve that one."
"NTA but your SIL is a piece of work."- Conscious-Bar-1655
"NTA."
"So, your SIL tried to steal your nanny, unsuccessfully, and is now claiming you stole your own nanny?"
"The logic isn't logicing, and anyone should be able to see through her story."
"Curious why you want to wait to give her a raise though?"
"She's clearly worth it, and she has said she can use the money."- Level-Tangerine-8172
"NTA."
"If she's that good though, pay her what she's worth now."- 81optimus
"NTA."
"Pretty sure SIL tried to steal YOUR nanny."- LowBalance4404
"'She's telling my husband's family I stole a nanny from her'."
"You mean YOUR NANNY?"
"The one she was actively trying to steal from you?"
"NTA."- Prize_Mode2709
"NTA."
"Your SIL sounds insufferable."- MerryCatFancyThat
"NTA."
"This is pretty common tactic used by both an employee and employer when a good employee might go elsewhere."
"She could've denied your counteroffer and went to work with your SIL."
"Instead, she took you up on your counteroffer and decided to stick with you."
"This is how it's done in most of the corporate world, and how you get your desired pay increase."
"This is how you get that bag!"- jammiesonmyhammies
"NTA."
"I am not understanding others issues."
"She tried to steal you nanny."
"So you improved your nanny's current situation."- KittyC217
"Wait. So no one in your family is outraged that your SIL tried to steal your nanny, you know the one who has been working for you apparently quite some time?"
"Tell them to all go pound sand."- Tinkerpro
"I was going to say, maybe offer to have your niece come over a few afternoons and let Isabelle make some extra money and your kid would probably enjoy having a friend to play with."
"But your rat of a SIL went behind your back to try to steal your Nanny?"
"This is a mommy on mommy crime of the highest order, and from your own SIL?"
"What a horrid person."
"Trying to find someone to watch and trust with your kids is hard enough."
"Finding someone you trust who your kids and you adore is like the ultimate mommy prize."
"No one gets to steal her!"- th987
"She tried to poach your nanny not the other way around and now she's bitter that it didn't work."
"She tried to put you in a bad situation of having to look for and interview new people while also wondering if they would get on with your kids instead of finding her own nanny."
"She has cost you more money to retain the help you ALREADY HAVE."
"She's a sneaky a**hole and anyone who doesn't see that is an a**hole too."
"Complaining to others that her plans were thwarted makes her a prolapsed a**hole."- Choice-Intention-926
It is a bit strange that the OP's husband felt the need to call her "petty", when it was their SIL who went behind their back to try to take Isabelle away from them.
Nor does the OP's husband seem to realize how rare a find Isabelle is, who was probably due for a raise even if she wasn't approached by the OP's SIL.
Luckily, the OP's husband won't have to realize what loss Isabelle leaving them would have been, all thanks to their spouse, the OP, who did exactly what they had to to keep her.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.