Timing, as they say, is everything.
Sometimes, when we get wonderful news or hear the funniest story that we just can't wait to share with our friends and family, we find out they will not revel in this anecdote as we did.
Owing to the fact that they were just given much less celebratory news themselves.
Sometimes, we might learn earlier that our friends and family are going through a hard time and might consciously choose to wait to share our happier developments.
But sometimes our happy news is just too exciting to hold onto, resulting in our sharing it, knowing not everyone will be thrilled at what we have to say.
The sister-in-law (SIL) of Redditor EscapeTraditional598 was going through a hard time.
Leading the original poster (OP) and her husband to try and be there for her as best they could, even if it meant putting a hold on some of their important life plans. Eventually, the OP and her husband decided to proceed with these goals, which, to their delight, turned out exactly as they hoped they would.
Sadly, the OP's sister was anything but excited at this news, even going so far as to say that the OP was being insensitive towards her.
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for announcing my pregnancy to my family?"
The OP explained why her good news felt like a knife to the heart for her SIL:
"My sister-in-law (37 f[emale]) has been trying to get pregnant for almost three years now and has had a very rough and tough time trying to conceive."
"It has always been a sensitive subject around the family, and my husband (29 M[ale]) and I (29 F) have held back from having our second child due to this reason."
"We wanted to give her the chance to have a child before we tried for another one."
"We always wanted to have our first child to be closer in age with their next sibling."
"Our little one is turning 4 next year, and we said now is the time."
"We tried and had a miscarriage."
"A month after that, we are all happy to know we are pregnant again!"
"Overjoyed by news, I shared the news with the family."
"SIL was upset about how I shared the news, and family was pretty in the middle."
"Ultimately, I can't share my pregnancy with anyone until after my first trimester so I don't hurt SIL feelings."
"A week after that happened, I shared a story on my social media of a funny skit of a pregnant woman wanting to eat healthy, but her pregnancy cravings are telling her to eat chocolate instead."
"SIL was so upset and told everyone."
"And that I wasn't understanding her and how hard it has been for her."
"At this point, I just don't even want to be pregnant… so people could stop making me feel bad for even expressing any small thing about pregnancy."
"I shared my good news through our family group chat that we use to communicate with each other."
"And I also shared it with my overseas friends on my social media when the baby was due."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for sharing news of her pregnancy.
While everyone sympathized with the situation of the OP's SIL, and some felt the OP maybe could have given her a small "heads up", they otherwise agreed that that still didn't mean the OP couldn't celebrate her good news. Many agreed that if the OP did anything wrong, it was putting off trying to get pregnant herself till her SIL became pregnant:
"NTA."
"SIL is being unreasonable."
"While I understand why she is upset about her situation, she doesn't get to declare a baby moratorium on everyone she is in contact with because of it."
"Any third-party family members making OP feel upset about a planned pregnancy can go fudge themselves."- ABeerAndABook
"NTA."
"but you are TA to yourself for postponing a kid you wanted to have closer to the sibling."
"I get that SIL's situation is awful, and I know what it feels like to be jealous of something others have and you don't."
"However, as sad as it is, it shouldn't be YOUR problem."
"You are not pregnant AT her, and unless you gloat about it, you are doing nothing wrong."
"It is up to your SIL to manage her feelings, she absolutely shouldn't shift this responsibility onto you."- Prangelina
"NTA."
"Your sister's loss and hardship are not the eggshells for you to walk on."- AnonAnontheAnony
"Based on what you've shared NTA."
"But holding back from your own family planning is weird."
"It sounds like everyone is on pins and needles catering to SIL."
"The fact that everyone is on the fence with you being an AH is also weird."
"Congratulations on the new baby."- houseonpost
"NTA."
"As a woman who is infertile, I say this wholeheartedly."
"Your pregnancy deserves to be celebrated."
"Your pregnancy and baby don't mean that she will never get a baby of her own."
"You did it very respectfully in a text so that she could have her own feelings privately and not have to put on a show for everyone."
"I won't lie."
"It hurts when other people would announce their pregnancies, but I can be thrilled for them and sad for me without being an a**hole."
"Celebrate your baby everyday."
"You deserve a joyful pregnancy."
"Congratulations!"- dietcoke_slut
"NTA."
"I wonder if you would have offended her no matter what you did regarding sharing your news."
"She cannot expect people to run everything pregnancy related by her to ensure that she is ok with it because she really isn't."- MotherOfLochs
"NTA."
"You aren't responsible for her feelings. Honestly, you should have had kids in your timeframe, not worrying about her."
"You are doing nothing wrong, and people need to stop tiptoeing around her."
"Life goes on for others; is she like that with friends.'
"Congratulations, and now go and spread your news and be happy for your next bundle of joy to arrive and anyone who makes you feel like you are wrong, tell them then they have no place in your life until they can see they are wrong."- Lunar-Eclipse0204
"NTA."
"And actually, this opinion might make ME the AH, but I am so freaking tired of these stories about infertile women sucking the joy out of anyone else's pregnancy."
"The fact that you felt you had to put off a second kid when you wanted them to be close in age is ridiculous."
"Yes being infertile when you wanted a kid really sucks & I feel for them but I feel like the lengths people go to appease them or allowing them to act like this because 'well it's hard for her' has gone way too far."
"Totally valid for them to be sad hearing of another pregnancy, but it's inexcusable to make someone feel like they don't even wanna be pregnant anymore because of the drama."
"OP I'm really sorry you feel that way."
"Ignore her & the rest of your family & focus on having a happy healthy pregnancy."- Thick_Secretary3701
"NTA for announcing your pregnancy."
"But maybe it could have helped to give SIL private heads up first?"
Not because you 'have' to, but perhaps being able to privately process might have lessened the…I don't know, blow?"
"She could have been upset about that, too!"
"Just an idea, even I'm not 100% sure it would have helped."
"You didn't do anything wrong by sharing your good news or posting what you did."
"She is obviously struggling, and of course, it is kind to be sensitive to that.'
"But her feelings of grief and loss (etc) don't mean that no one else is ever allowed to feel joy and excitement about their own pregnancy."
"Hopefully, she can learn to separate her pain from others' life experiences because they just aren't connected in a way that justifies her anger at you."
"In a not-b*tchy way, maybe she shouldn't be on social media if people mentioning pregnancy feels like a personal attack to her."
"Like she can protect herself from those potential consequences feelings by not using SM right now."
"Her pain is separate from your joy."
"You didn't cause what she is going through."
"Sounds like she is deep in her grief (fair) and not able to see 'reason'."
"Also fair but not in the way that excuses crapping on your joy. I'm just saying I get that it hurts for her."
"Hopefully she will see things differently once she has time to process all this."
"Congratulations to you, though!"- StrategyDouble4177
It would be one thing if the OP deliberately got pregnant just to hurt her SIL.
However, it would take a very special kind of person indeed to bring a child into this world expressly to cause harm to another.
And seeing as the OP actually waited to have a second child in consideration of her SIL, it is abundantly clear that she is not that type of person.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp