First dates can be tricky.
No one really knows each other yet.
So, people will often set up certain personal boundaries.
This way, everyone can be comfortable.
However, some boundaries will rub the other person the wrong way.
Redditor Adventurous-Swan-171 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA because I didn’t tell my date we were going Dutch?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I recently went on a date with a guy that ended really oddly, so I need some outside eyes on the whole thing.”
“I (27 F[emale]) went on a date with a friend of a friend, Jake, (31 M[ale]).”
“I had suggested coffee but when he mentioned the restaurant he wanted to go to I agreed.”
“It is a nice place and I have been meaning to go there.”
“I figured worst-case scenario I would get a chance to check out the food.”
“We actually had a nice time.”
“I ordered drinks, appetizers, my main, and dessert.”
“He only had water and his main.”
“He tried a bit of my appetizers but said they weren’t his thing.”
“When the bill came, I made sure to tell the waitress that we had separate checks as this was our FIRST date, and I always pay for myself on a first date.”
“I emphasize first because I thought it went well.”
“He seemed like a genuine and pleasant guy.”
“I was looking forward to seeing him again.”
“I heard from my friend that set it up that Jake thought I was kind of a d**k for not telling him I was paying for my own meal.”
“The reason he only had water and a main was because he thought he was going to be paying a bunch of money for my food and drinks.”
“I guess he was upset because he would have liked to order more, but our bill together was over $200.”
“With tip, I paid $145.”
“I can understand why he would be upset, but I don’t think that’s on me.”
“I always pay for myself on the first date, like I said.”
“Unless it’s coffee.”
“Guys get pissy sometimes if I don’t let them buy me a coffee.”
“I cannot be the only woman who pays for themselves, can I?”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Would it have been better to specify in advance who was paying? Sure.”
“Would it have been awkward to bring that up before a first date? Sure.”
“So it’s completely normal at the end of a first date to suddenly realize you had different expectations about who would pay.”
“There is nothing at all wrong in your assumption that you’d split the cost.”
“For him to think you were ‘kind of a d**k’ for splitting the cost is absurd.”
“It strongly suggests to me that there should not be a second date, given the disrespect he’s shown toward you.” ~ cascadia1979
“As a man, I always offered to pay unless the date was truly awful.”
“Dating men, women, or N[on]-B[inary] folks.”
As a woman, I always offer to pay unless the date was truly awful.”
“Dating men, women, or NB folks.”
“In my particular circumstance, I’m mid-30s, transgender professional, who mostly dates other queers, and they do tend to be poorer than me to various degrees, and so I like to offer, but it carries no expectation with me, and I’d never insist.”
“One of the lessons I always keep in mind is that letting someone carry a burden you could carry easier is sometimes a matter of respecting that person’s dignity and agency.”
“If this guy is upset, she wanted to carry her own weight through this dinner out of respect for herself and her date, as peers, that’s her right and easily should be the default assumption on a first date.”
“Anyone who goes on a first date without an explicit offer to pay for them, expecting that the other person will pay – or, on the other hand, assuming they will pay no matter what because of their pride – is sorta gross.”
“To me, anyway.” ~ Mantisfactory
“I like to tell the waitstaff as I’m ordering drinks that my check will be separate.”
“In this case, her date would have known he didn’t have to budget her meal into his bill.”
“No discussion necessary.”
“Though the way he described her to their mutual friend is a red flag to me, so it may be for the best OP didn’t get more involved.”
“OP is NTA.” ~ Owl_button
“I bet TA in this story is your friend.”
“Your date might have just expressed that it was too bad he didn’t know you were going to pay for yourself, because if he knew, he would have ordered more for himself.”
“Notice that he didn’t tell you this – he told the friend.”
“Then your friend spread the info to you, maybe with some exaggeration, misinterpretation, or just badly phrased.”
“If that’s what happened, the guy did nothing wrong.”
“If you liked him, ask for a second date, and then if you want to, you can ask about the situation.”
“NTA.” ~ Citrongrot
“This is a good comment; speak to the guy directly & if he doubles down, then screw the second date.”
“NTA. OP and I hope the food was yummy.” ~ TapEntire
“To me, the fact that OP ordered almost $150 worth of food and the date just reigned in his own order to accommodate without saying a word when he intended to pay for everything seems kind of sweet.”
“Maybe I’m just biased because I’m poor, but that’s a lot of money to spend on a first date, and it sounds like he was fully prepared to make that investment.”
“OP is obviously NTA either way, but I can see where the date might feel a little off about the miscommunication between them. I wouldn’t take the mutual friend’s words as a direct quote, so much as an expression of disappointment.” ~ alicesartandmore
“NTA. He’s not mad that you paid for yourself; he’s mad that you didn’t tell him ahead of time so he could have afforded to order himself more items.”
“Bro shouldn’t have chosen a restaurant outside of his budget.” ~ Jazzlike_Property692
“To be fair, it’s really sad that men are so used to being expected to pay for a complete stranger’s lavish meal that they often have to pick the cheapest options or go hungry in order not to go broke.”
“Kudos to this girl for breaking the convention and being a responsible, functional adult instead of just another leech.”
“But I wouldn’t be mad at the guy either, especially if he only allegedly (we all know how a slight remark can get blown out of proportion when retold) said a mildly mean comment in a private conversation.”
“I’d say NAH.” ~ FranXXis
“NAH. You’re definitely not the AH for wanting to pay your own way on a first date.”
“It’s sensible, and if I’m the guy, I appreciate it.”
“He’s not the AH either, though.”
“First because he didn’t say anything or react badly at the time.”
“You only have third-party reference to what he said.”
“You don’t know what his actual words/tone were.”
“I can definitely see myself making a joke about this to a friend.”
“If anything the friend broke confidence by telling you.”
“Secondly, I get where he’s coming from.”
“Most hetero (initially at least) are still paid 100% by the man.”
“If he knew he didn’t have enough money to get what he wanted and pay for you, I think he made a really sweet choice to let you get what you wanted and go without himself.”
“It sounds like you both had a good time.”
“I hope there’s a second date.” ~ ResolveResident118
“NTA. It’s not your fault.”
“It probably would have been best if he had accepted your offer of a coffee date.”
“That way you guys could have talked about dating strategies and stuff like paying for yourself.”
“He would have been better prepared.”
“But that’s on him, not you.” ~ No_Lavishness_3206
“NAH. I think we are in a strange transitional period where sometimes the man pays/is expected to pay, and sometimes it’s Dutch.”
“It has left a situation where no one really knows what to expect, but because it is about money, no one feels comfortable talking about it upfront, resulting in awkward situations like this.” ~ DreamsofHistory
“NAH. Paying for yourself is the mature thing to do.”
“He just vented to a friend because he felt annoyed that his sacrifice on food was pointless.”
“Honestly, your friend is the only dick here for betraying his confidence.” ~ Kobhji475
“NTA. I think you dodged a bullet. This is a WEIRD thing to be pissy about.”
“If he wanted to pay for you that badly, he could’ve said ‘let’s get dinner, my treat’ anytime before y’all even sat down at the restaurant.”
“Also, it sounds like he couldn’t really afford to pay for two meals at that place anyway.”
“And I think it’s weird to pick a place you can’t really afford, then get pissy about going Dutch when you haven’t even outwardly offered to treat.”
“In my experience, guys that get disjointed about these things have control issues.” ~ Illustrious_Cut_4837
“NTA. He’s the one who suggested going to this restaurant even though it seems the restaurant was probably not within his budget.” ~ Even-Stuff4297
“NAH. If this is all he said.”
“He apparently didn’t treat you badly or call you names.”
“He told his friend about his date and expressed frustrations about one aspect.”
“He may have said nice things too.”
“Usually when placing an order I (and whoever I’m dining with) state who’s on what check.”
“Imagine it from his side.”
“He’s probably on a budget as most people are. No shame.”
“You ordered a LOT of food/drinks.”
“He was probably feeling a little stress adding up the bill in his head.”
“It’s totally true he would’ve enjoyed himself more had he known the arrangement.”
“I applaud you for paying for yourself!”
“But you cannot be unaware of the fact many women expect this out of men.” ~ Big_Mastodon2772
“NTA. If he only ordered water cause he thought he was paying for your meal as well, then this isn’t a restaurant that he should have chosen.”
“It’s outside of his budget.” ~ curlyg1rl
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
There are no rules on who should pay or how to pay the bill on a first date.
If it makes you comfortable to pay for yourself, then you should.
If it’s that important, maybe start telling people at the start of the meal.
But their reactions are on them.
Good luck.