Having children is a huge decision that couples need to decide upon together.
It’s one of those issues that if you’re not on the same page, the future may be a little bleak.
It’s especially troublesome when people aren’t honest about their feelings on the matter.
Case in point…
Redditor idkhtcad wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for leaving my BF at his family party?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I 23 F[emale] have been dating my fiancée, 35, for 2 years.”
“We recently got engaged.”
“We both agreed to be child-free.”
“I haven’t met much of his family.”
“He claimed he didn’t want to introduce me until we were serious.”
“This weekend he invited me to his sister’s baby welcome party.”
“She had the baby a few weeks ago and this is a party for everyone to meet the baby.”
“Everything was going fine and I was getting along well with his family.”
“All the women in the family were taking turns dealing with the baby when he cried.”
“I didn’t because I have never so much as held a baby and would have no idea how to calm one down.”
“The men went outside to have cigars and one of his cousins asked me why I wasn’t helping with the baby and I was honest that I had no baby experience.”
“His mom laughed and said that I should learn now because she expected a lot of grandbabies.”
“And she knows how badly my fiancée wants a big family.”
“I was surprised.”
“I told her we plan on being child-free.”
“His mom kind of rolled her eyes and changed the subject.”
“I pulled my fiancée aside and asked him what that was about.”
“He said we would talk about it later, but I pressed and he admitted I was young and he figured I would grow out of not wanting children.”
“I was PISSED but didn’t want to make a scene at his sister’s party so I told him I was going to the bathroom to cool down.”
“But instead I walked a few blocks away got an Uber and went home.”
“He blew up my phone for being rude and leaving.”
“Saying how I need to come back and apologize he took a serious step introducing me to his family and I blew it.”
“I felt terrible so I sent his sister a Facebook message because I don’t have her number saying I was sorry for leaving abruptly but I felt sick and went home.”
“She answered a few hours later saying it was no problem and she was happy to have met me and can’t wait to get to know me better.”
“This was yesterday.
“I texted my fiancée this morning saying that I wanted to talk about the children issue.”
“But he sent me one text calling me immature and I haven’t heard from him since.”
“Now I feel like I should have just stayed and held my tongue until we left especially since his sister was so nice.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“OP, there is a reason he is dating someone over a decade younger than him.”
“He is looking for someone young that he can manipulate and control.”
“Get out now, before there is an ‘accident’ with your birth control or a condom and you get pregnant. NTA.” ~ Teevell
“How am I not surprised a man dating a woman 12 years younger than him also sounds like he’s roughly 12 years younger emotionally? NTA.” ~ _thundercracker_
“Because men who date younger women are emotionally stunted and unable to have real relationships.”
“Honestly, I have no tolerance for these dudes.”
“OP… Run.”
“Run fast and far and do not even have break-up sex with this man.”
“He will try to baby-trap you immediately.”
“Especially if you are in the US and can’t get an abortion.” ~ alicesheadband
“Completely agree with this!!”
“With the recent loss of reproductive rights in the US, these types of ‘men’ have more ability to trap and abuse than ever.”
“His behavior is abysmal and genuinely frightening.”
“Please seek ongoing guidance on the cycle of abuse and how it presents before marriage.”
“This is not an issue that can be fixed.” ~ Ihavenoidea357
“He probably also went for someone much younger specifically because he wants lots of kids.”
“If he dated a woman his own age, it might be difficult to have even one, and would be increasingly unsafe for mom and baby as time went on to have more.”
“If he’s 35 and hasn’t had kids yet, I’m going to go out on a limb and say he tried dating and has probably been left for his lying, manipulative ways over and over.”
“And now needs to be with someone a decade younger to have any hope for a large family.”
“I’m sure it’s also because younger women are easier to manipulate with their inexperience.”
“But this feels like it has an added new factor considering he needs her fertile years to make his desires come true.”
“Like she’s just a box he needs to tick off.” ~ macaroniandmilk
“Not to mention that his family barely knows her because he wants to ‘wait until they are serious’ before introducing her and it’s been checks notes TWO YEARS and they are engaged???”
“And the age difference at this age is also questionable.”
“But my word.”
“NTA but girl, big marinara flag being waved here.” ~ Unimaginativename9
“He was 33 and dating a 21-year-old.”
“If they were both ten years older, I’d see no problem with it.”
“However, at 21, most young adults are still figuring themselves out and in a different stage of life than a 33-year-old.”
“Everything you’ve listed demonstrates he is manipulative and emotionally abusive.”
“He feels he has more ability to control someone significantly younger.” ~ MzQueen
“Especially because he kept bringing up her age.”
“He said he figured she’d change her mind because she was still young.”
“Then he called her immature.”
“It’s starting to sound like he specifically picked a much younger girl so he could impose more control in the relationship and so she’d be young enough to bare him all the children he wants.”
“Even him agreeing to be child-free seems less like a lie than a patronizing acquiescence.”
“Like ‘sure, sure, sweetie, no kids, uh huh, whatever you say’ while thinking he knows better that she’ll eventually want them. Soooo gross!” ~ fzyflwrchld
“Can we also add into the clusterf**k that he comes from a family where it seems the attitude is to leave the women to take care of the baby when it’s crying?”
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but the only mention of the men are they were out back puffing on cigars.”
“Give back the ring and run far and fast, OP.”
“He clearly wanted a woman your age because he not only felt that he could mold you into the woman he wants.”
“But you’re young enough to birth all the babies he wants.” ~ QuickgetintheTARDIS
“Piggybacking off this to also say that you’ve been with this man since you were 21, and he was 33 – OF COURSE he thought he could get you to change your mind about kids!”
“You’re young and ‘fertile,’ so he could have the giant family he’s always wanted.”
“There’s a REASON he wasn’t dating in his age group – not that 30 is old, but women in their 30s can have a harder time conceiving, and as they get older, giving birth comes with risks.”
“RUN from this man! Do NOT take him back!”
“And most importantly, don’t sleep with him because there’s always the risk of stealthing.” ~ Xray_Plant_Lover_32
“This! OP you are very young but not to decide whether you want to be child-free or not.”
“You seem very naive because you are still thinking this is your fiancée and future family and you should mold to their will and life choices (else why would it matter if you were an a h or not?).”
“Love yourself and wait for something way better. This is not it.” ~ FinishEvery6002
“NTA. Let me get this straight.”
“When you were 21, you started dating a 33-year-old man.”
“You told him you were child-free and he lied to you, planning to get you to change your mind.”
“When you discovered this lie you left his family event rather than cause a scene.”
“His response to your mature decision was to berate and belittle you, and then give you the silent treatment.”
“Leave this man, now. He is highly manipulative and cannot be trusted.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if he sabotaged your birth control to try to trap you with an unwanted pregnancy.” ~ Sweet_Baby_Grogu
“NTA, but you should take some time to examine the fact that your fiancé, who is 12 years older than you, doesn’t take you seriously.”
“He told you that he believes you are too young to know what you want and make decisions that affect your life, so I gotta question why he feels like you can/should consent to marriage.”
“You can either feel like people who are over a decade younger than you are immature, or you can marry people who are over a decade younger than you.”
“You can’t do both.” ~ thatvolleyballsetter
Well OP, Reddit is not only with you but concerned for you.
It may be time for some serious self-reflection.
Is this the type of behavior you’re willing to tolerate again?