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Mother Loses It On 25-Year-Old Daughter For Going To An OBGYN Without Her ‘Permission’


Every person deserves to have the medical care that they need, but unfortunately, it’s not always that easy to acquire it.

It can be paperwork-related, but it could also be because of a loved one withholding access, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.

Redditor throwaway00155 took matters into her own hands once she was financially independent enough to acquire her own medical insurance.

When her mother started prodding for information, the Original Poster (OP) refused to share.

She asked the sub:

“AITA for telling my mom that she absolutely has no right telling me what medical procedures I need?”

The OP’s mother provided questionable medical care.

“I (25 female) finally got my own health insurance this year.”

“Technically I was uninsured before this year because my mom still claimed me as a dependent and refused to get health insurance.”

“She’s also an abusive narcissist. All three of us kids actually need therapy because of her.”

“She also does not believe in: pap smears, annual physical/wellness exams, birth control (even though she married my dad after getting knocked up with 2 kids and stayed in the marriage after getting knocked up with 3rd), and breast cancer screenings.”

“There’s a lot more, too, such as telling me that I don’t ‘need’ a surgery or taking me to a Chinese herbal doctor for my really bad cough when I was a minor.”

The OP took care of herself when she got her own health insurance.

“Now that I have my own health insurance and can actually afford it, I started getting checkups and stuff.”

“I recently went to an OBGYN for abnormal bleeding, and she recommended switching birth control.”

“I also officially got diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). I had suspicions and wondered why I couldn’t lose weight.”

The OP’s mother wanted all the details.

“Since I don’t trust my mom and I actually don’t need her permission, I didn’t tell my mom before I went to the appointment.”

“After, she asked me where I went, so I just said, ‘A doctor’s appointment. That’s all you need to know.'”

“She got upset and started screaming at me about ‘not getting her permission.'”

“I reminded her that 1) I’m 25 and not a minor, 2) it’s still none of her business, and 3) I thought she wanted me to lose weight, so she should be happy I’m actually seeing a doctor who can help me.”

“She was still throwing a tantrum about it and demanded that I give her the contact info for the office.”

“I responded with, ‘Well, good f**king luck with that because of the privacy laws, and I signed the forms saying I don’t want my info released. Not to mention I told the doctor about you and she thought you were ridiculous for not believing in medicine.'”

“She’s giving me a silent treatment because she’s upset.”

“AITA for pretty much telling her to f**k off?”

“For those who are asking, I’m currently staying with friends for some personal reasons. I plan on going back to save some money and then hopefully moving out in 6 months.”

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

  • NTA: Not the A**hole
  • YTA: You’re the A**hole
  • ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
  • NAH: No A**holes Here

Some were proud of the OP for standing up for herself.

“It’s all about control… and you just took yours back. Well done! NTA.” – Poesoe

“When a narcissist sees their control slipping, they get WEIRD. Like desperate ‘I never thought they were capable of this’ weird.”

“Expect sabotage. I suggest a P.O. Box for your mail until you can move out.” – firstonesecond

“NTA. Chinese herbal medicine can work for some things, but it should be used in tandem with regular doctor’s appointments and modern medicine.”

“Your mother does not make good medical procedures and is quite ignorant of how the procedures she was against are vital to your health. She’s trying to bully you into making detrimental decisions about your health, and you should not let her have her way.” – TinyRascalSaurus

“NTA. I work in Gynecology. Please get screenings. I cannot explain the number of times we have people who didn’t believe in the screenings finally come in and it is too late.”

“You are your best advocate. You are right, she does not have a say. Stand your ground.” – Wickedlove7

“You’re not the a**hole at all. You are an adult. All of those medical needs are exactly that: NEEDS.”

“We as women need pap smears and breast cancer screening and so on.”

“She has no right to tell you what to do with your health and it sounds like she’s caused you a lot of trauma and treated your health poorly in the past when you were a child.”

“She’s firm in her own beliefs that completely contradict western medicine. Sure, western medicine is flawed in many ways and there’s a lot we can take from eastern medicine, but herbal remedies don’t cut it 99% of the time.”

“She also has made it clear she ‘wants you to lose weight?’ How dare she impose that on you? You should want to lose weight if YOU want to for yourself, not because she wants you to. I have a strong belief that no one else’s opinion on your weight will change how someone goes about gaining/losing weight.”

“Take care of your health as suggested by the many doctors and scientists in America and as you are doing.” – pseudorem

Others agreed and offered advice to further secure her medical information.

“You may want to contact your doctor’s office and put a password on your account. A lot of times meddling relatives will call and impersonate you or find a sympathetic employee to give out their child’s information.”

“Same with your health insurance company – call them a put a restriction on your account.” – Chickenfightyourmom

“She will 100% open those bills from the doctor’s office and EOBs (Explanation of Benefits) from the insurance company in an attempt to see what was done.”

“Granted, they usually don’t contain much info, but don’t give her any more ammo.” – KtP_911

“NTA. Your mom is a real piece of work. Make sure she is not your emergency contact and that you have someone else listed as being able to have the Power of Attorney if something was to happen to you.” – Popular_Bumblebee255

“I used to think my mom was trying her best. I think maybe she thought she was too. I didn’t think she was sabotaging me.”

“And then right around your age, I started to get a little more independent. I found myself in a position to buy a house, move out of her friend’s house, the market was right.”

“And she very actively started sabotaging me.”

“Lock your accounts up tight. Freeze your credit. Keep your important documents somewhere, not her house.”

“Your mom knows everything she needs to impersonate you – social security, date of birth, mother’s maiden name, childhood best friend, the name of the doctor who delivered you. Every security question? She knows the answer.”

“Your mom thinks she means well. She genuinely believes the only thing protecting you from the world and ne’er-do-wells like medical professionals is her.”

“While I don’t recommend cutting your mom out completely as your first reaction, because it sucks to mourn the loss of someone who’s still alive and orbiting around your life, I will say that’s where I had to land with my mom because that’s where I could hold the line.”

“A few of my family argued with me over it, but everyone adapted, and my life really took off when there wasn’t someone who based her entire value on how much her adult children needed her.” – No_Hospital7649

“Legally you need to fill out a form, where I live it’s called an advanced health care directive, from your medical providers/medical group or the state, and either get it signed by two witnesses, who aren’t the people on the form, or notarized (depending on the state if you’re in the US) and then send a copy to all your doctors and the people you listed on the form.”

“There’s usually a small card that comes with the form that you can carry around with you in your wallet in case of emergencies with names and phone numbers.”

“I asked my cousin and my sister if they would be willing to make decisions for me and also you need to discuss what your wishes are.”

“It’s a bit depressing to think of what you would do if you were in a coma or something, but it’s important to do now so you have legal protection as you won’t be able to advocate for yourself in that situation and your mom will no doubt refuse to let the doctors treat you.”

“And I suggest you gray rock her to the max. You’ll feel so much better after you do. Like a huge weight has been lifted off.”

“I had to demand mine take me to a real doctor when I was in high school because they kept taking me to a homeopathy quack. By the time I got diagnosed with my rare chronic illness, I was almost in organ failure.”

“I didn’t learn how to properly draw my boundaries until 25 years later, because another health crisis came up and I forgot how bad they were.”

“Do it now. The guilt will quickly be replaced by peace and lack of stress.” – Liverne_And_Shirley

A few recommended moving out as soon as possible.

“NTA, but if you still live with her, it’s likely going to get worse.”

“Consider moving out (only you know what your dynamic is really like) or getting a PO Box (or your country’s equivalent) in case she decides to go through your mail.” – ImALittleThorny

“Is your Mom the type to sabotage you when she doesn’t get her way? Maybe start grey rocking her until you’ve moved out and are 100% independent.”

“Just act like an uninteresting rock and don’t give any information that you know will make her angry. She asks where you went? Tell her you went for a walk in the park to lose weight.” – Pleasant_Elevator779

“NTA. Your mother is ridiculous. You are a grown woman taking care of your health. You don’t need her permission. She doesn’t need to know what is going on at your visits, where you go, etc. I hope you can get out of this abusive situation soon.” – Silent_Caramel7261

Though the OP thought she might have been a tad harsh with her mom, the subReddit insisted there was no such thing where health matters are concerned. Rather, the OP was doing the right thing by being responsible and taking charge of her own health insurance and medical diagnosis.

Leaving those concerns up in the air would be far worse than preventing her mother’s access to her new medical information.

Written by McKenzie Lynn Tozan

McKenzie Lynn Tozan lives in North Chicago, where she works as a poet, freelance writer, and editor. She received her MFA in Creative Writing from Western Michigan University, and her BA in English from Indiana University South Bend. Her poems have appeared in Rogue Agent, Whale Road Review, the James Franco Review, Thank You for Swallowing, and elsewhere; and her essays and book reviews have appeared with Memoir Mixtapes, The Rumpus, BookPage, and Motherly, among others. When she's not reading and writing, she's in her garden or spending time with her family. For more, visit