Romantic or sexual relationships can take a lot of forms. Not everyone adheres to a model of monogamy between just two people.
But as long as everyone in the relationship is open, honest, and consents to whatever configuration it takes, there’s no shame in polyamory or sex with other people. Issues arise when one person is adhering to sexual fidelity while their partner(s) aren’t.
When children result from such infidelity, things become even more complicated.
A wife who just learned her husband had a child with another woman—after the births of their own two children—turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
BeneficialCricket417 asked:
“AITA for moving all my daughter’s belongings to my parents house and leaving nothing for my husband’s affair kid?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“AITA for this? My husband told me Saturday that he’d had an affair and had a kid from it. Our kids are 14, male and 10, female and this child is 9, female.”
“Something happened to her mother in the last couple weeks—I was a little too busy screaming at him to listen to the details—and he was leaving to go get her. My daughter came to me crying saying that he told her she had to share her room and her stuff with this girl for now.”
“I called my parents and they agreed to her staying in their guest room—2 bedroom condo so my son and I are staying at the house.”
“We packed her stuff, and Monday, my parents, sister, BIL, and nephews helped us move ALL her stuff to my parents’ place. They also helped put locks on my bedroom and my son’s bedroom.”
“We moved all my husband’s stuff from my bedroom to the 4th bedroom that he used as a home office.”
“Yesterday evening, my husband got home with his affair kid. He got mad about all the stuff being gone and nothing being left for her.”
“She’s from a much warmer area and doesn’t have clothes for the cold here—we live in the northern part of the US. This morning he caught me in the kitchen to complain to me about it again and said I was being cruel by not making my daughter share with her.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I may be the a**hole because I didn’t make my daughter share her belongings and that leaves this kid with no clothes for this weather.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“I mean, definitely NTA for refusing to make your daughter share her belongings with your husband’s affair child. But also, like what is your ultimate game plan here?”
“From the post, it sounds like you have completely relocated your daughter to her grandparents’ house. Even if she gets to keep all her stuff with her, it’s not fair to move her out of the home just to safeguard her belongings.”
“Honestly, it sounds like you need to kick husband to the curb & let him figure out how he needs to care for his affair child.”
“If you intend to stay with husband for some reason, then you need to seriously work through those logistics to ensure your daughter can come home, & figure out how your husband’s affair child factors into that equation.” ~ SunnyBunnyHopHop
“NTA. Dude will have to support this child, AND will have to be paying child support for your son and daughter if you go the divorce route.”
“You owe nothing to this child. Your daughter can make her choice with time, but since it took your husband 9 years to tell your daughter, your son and yourself, it’s a lame and sad effort by your husband.”
“He obviously is dealing with the sh*t hitting the fan, but it is his sh*t and his fan, so his panic is his own doing.” ~ catskilkid
“NTA. His plan was to make your daughter share? Not go out and buy her some essentials to get by while assessing what else is going to be needed?”
“Make both girls share a room with a stranger out of the blue? And not as a question of a couple of weeks, but permanently? Not give up HIS home office to create a bedroom for her?”
“Everything he was planning on was guaranteed to undermine your daughter’s sense of security, safety, and sense of her place within your family.”
“Yeah, the affair daughter is here and needs to be taken care of. But not by undermining your other children, unless it is the absolutely last and therefore necessary option.”
“Plus, the sheer audacity to expect that he just got to unilaterally dictate that to your daughter, NOT discuss with you and agree together on what would happen.” ~ animaniactoo
“NTA. This man has some audacity to be angry with YOU. Why the f*ck is he not concerned with the absence of his 1st daughter?”
“He planned to just dump this kid into his daughter’s room with all her stuff and this stranger would just use her stuff!! What a jerk.”
“How about making appropriate accommodations for this poor girl that may have just lost her mother‽‽”
“Commendable, I guess, to go get the girl, but typical man to just expect his wife & daughter to care for her every need. He better be taking his a** to the damn store to get her some weather appropriate clothing stat.” ~ jleek9
“NTA, but file for divorce ASAP. He clearly knew about this child. It was not a surprise to him.”
“He’s been lying to you for almost a decade, longer than that if you count the time he was having the affair. You and your children deserve so much better—file for full custody and child support and he can figure out everything he needs for his affair child.”
“It’s not the child’s fault but it is 1000% and it is also 1000% not your responsibility to make his life any easier when he blew up, your life, but your kids life and your family.” ~ United-Manner20
“It sucks for the 9-year-old, who had nothing to do with it and now is cold and with a man who (maybe?) ignored her for 9 years, but it’s not your responsibility.”
“It’s not something that needs to be put on your daughter, definitely something your (soon-to-be-ex?) husband needs to figure out himself.”
“So, NTA. But what’s your plan? Your daughter is watching you stick up for her, but make sure you stick up for yourself, too. That’s the most important thing you can do for your children now.” ~ herefortheshirts
“NTA. Does this 9-year-old girl even know your husband? Has he been a dad to her all these years? You need a divorce. Sorry this is happening to you and your kids.” ~ Ok_Illustrator_7445
“An affair he apparently had while OP was pregnant, judging by the ages.” ~ MyWar-YoureOneOfThem
“NTA. It isn’t your fault that your husband committed your daughter’s belongings and bedroom to this girl without even consulting you first.”
“Husband has broken and trampled over trust—several times over it would appear—and having your daughter stay with your parents for the time being sounds both like a better alternative to her space being suddenly shared/invaded, and kind to this girl to not share the bedroom she has to stay in.”
“I really feel for this kid, she’s nine years old; just lost her mum; and is whipped up in all kinds of turmoil. None of this is her fault.”
“However, it isn’t your fault she doesn’t have weather-appropriate clothes right now. Husband is taking care of her, and should be responsible for meeting her needs as best he can—clothes and outerwear included.”
“There is no realm where your daughter is obligated to share her belongings with a Sudden Half-Sister because their shared dad isn’t making it a priority to get his kids what they need.”
“Please hold him accountable for this.”
“Amidst the hurt of this situation, I can understand being guarded and resentful towards him. I just want to gently emphasize to be mindful of yourself around this girl; please do your best (or continue to do so) to help her feel secure.”
“Have all the problems in the world with her dad, while making sure not to address these problems with the kid around to witness. She’s in such a precarious position as it is.”
“All the best to you and your family, OP. Good luck.” ~ Harvist
The OP provided an update.
“I’m going to file for divorce. My plan right now is for my daughter to stay with my parents until he moves out or I move out.”
“My daughter is doing OK. She’s 15 minutes from our house. I saw her yesterday after work and will be going there every day to see her.”
“My mom is a better cook than I am so when I called her this morning she was bragging about the French toast she had for breakfast.”
“I’ll take my son to my parents’ house to see my daughter every day and I’m only going to cook for me and my son.”
“I couldn’t see a lawyer yesterday—it’s going to be at least a week before I can get in with the one that was recommended to me.”
“Both of us own the house, so I can’t kick him out right now. I’ll try to get it in the divorce, but we may end up selling.”
Betrayal is a bitter pill to swallow.
OP’s marriage may be over, but it sounds likecthey have a plan for their future.